Christmas 2018

I haven't written for a while, so figured I should. All my writing efforts have gone into politics.

Honestly. I have not written because not much at all has changed since I last wrote.

Thanksgiving was calm. I worked, so daughter and I celebrated that weekend. Ham and turkey. GF came over for a short while. 

GF has met with daughter and I a couple of times now. Daughter accepts her a lot more.

For Christmas, daughter gave me a new wallet, pocket knife and matching pocket watch which are beautiful. I have her a moon shaped light, some games, a game gift card and some PJ's. She was happy with all of it.

She has a BF now. I saw that coming when I met the boy. They want to go bowling today, so I'm taking her there. He seems like a nice kid. Better not prove me wrong. 

I finally made the leap yesterday and transferred my primary work site to Staton officially. That breaks any committed ties to Kilby. I haven't worked at Kilby since TG weekend and a training class just afterward. Just could not handle the apathy and diva behavior any more. It was becoming dangerous with the treatment of the inmates. 

GF has been giving me more and more material gifts. Guess it doesn't get through that I'm not a material person. Meanwhile, we've had sex an average of once a month, if that. 

I've pretty much accepted that the future we discussed is not going to happen and she doesn't plan on it happening. Over Christmas, her brother stayed with her. He does a lot of work on their house, which they pay him for. Thing is, she had him doing things like installing a bidet which was a long, involved task. Not something temporary by any means. It's quite permanent and required special plumbing for the task. 

When we're together, I barely get to speak. When she has met with my daughter, daughter barely got to speak. Everything revolves around her. 

So, I need to focus on myself. If she ever comes around to another mindset, great. Otherwise I will just consider the way we began nothing but a show. 

As the new year comes in, I am going to focus on promoting my writing and putting money together for a house. 

Considering

Been working so much I've been exhausted. Trying to slow down a bit now and reach a happy medium.

Daughter's birthday was this weekend. She was happy with everything I gave her. Her first smart phone, which she was immediately obsessed with. Especially that she now has unlimited texting. I did install a parental monitoring program, though I told her about it. The program will also alert me if she turns the program off or uninstalls it. Gave her some jewelry. Nothing expensive but a moon charm, couple of chokers and (her favorite) a charm with the Fairy Tail anime emblem on it. That one was nice, from a good company in a gift box. Plus I gave her some money. Her first thought was buying presents for her friends, one whose birthday was yesterday. 

Things about the same with gf. I still love her but I understand this is not going to go as promised. No reason to think it will. Been seeing each other for a year and some things we discussed have never happened. Not going to happen while she has an injured shoulder and knee. But did not happen before than, either. 

So, I am seriously considering sleeping with someone else. Finding an intermittent submissive lover. I've had a few offers. It does make it an emotional challenge when it seems like a possible reality. I don't like the idea of cheating. Then again, she would not accept an open relationship. 

However, time is also an issue. Working, spending time with daughter, spending time with her (which is still my preference after daughter), writing, etc. Have to sleep and been needing that sleep a lot lately. 

I have not even had time for laundry this week. One problem is just getting change to do it with. The car wash coin changer is broken and the bank doesn't open until 9. By then I'm ready to crash. If I get change at the bank, I'll be up until noon doing laundry. 

Right now I need to get to bed. 

Going to have to really think about this. 

Feeling flat

I've been feeling flat lately. Some things have changed but mostly I am in a cycle I've been through many times in my life. 

The relationship is back to everything being about her. I admit she has a lot going on. Multiple health issues. She is back in PT plus a back and knee brace. Then she got an abscess on her nose which she's very unhappy about. Because of the location, size and because she's diabetic, the doctor has her on antibiotics for a long time. I care about all that, I truly do. It's just that it all comes after so many other things with no break in between. So I have to be understanding and supportive. Which I enjoy being for her. I'd just like some time where none of that is going on. 

Oh, well.

I finally got oriented to another prison and am picking up hours there. So much that I would have had a full paycheck if not for having to call of sick one night. Next week and the following week I am scheduled into OT. Good timing, just before the holidays. It also comes when daughter has plans for those Fri nights, so I would not be picking her up until Sat any way. 

My writing has picked up a bit. I've been on the front page for politics on Medium a couple of times. I'm sure it had more to do with specific key words I used than anything else. Still makes me feel good. 

Facebook has increased censorship against leftist anti-establishment pages. Hundreds of pages were taken down. Nearly all were Progressive. I warned in my own writing about this to people who supported the censoring of Alex Jones. They could not grasp the concept that he was only the beginning and the left was going to be the real target. So it happens just before the midterms and just as the push to multiple wars ramp up.

So far, my pages have not been taken down. Yet. Maybe just because I have too few followers. Then again, this may be an opportunity for me to build a larger following. Progressives who want something to read may be more likely to follow me now that they don't have the other sources. I have more computer access at work, where I am writing from right now. Can't write a whole lot at work but I have increased the number of articles I am putting out lately. Going to buy a new domain name this week and get a web page running for my writing. That may also help. 

Biggest problem I have is time right now. Can't get a lot of writing done off work or get mundane things done without losing sleep. I have to get to the doctor and fill a couple of prescriptions but can't do it without losing sleep. Going to have to talk with gf and set a more solid schedule where we see each other. To include which days we will not see each other, which allows me to get some things done. Only been to the gym once in a month. 

The good part is, of course, that my finances are improving again. If I can maintain FT work for a while with occasional OT, I will be back where I can lay aside over $1000 a month. Long as I don't work myself into illness. UC has been giving me hell for several straight weeks. Cannot afford to make myself sick. If that happens, I have nowhere to turn. I'm on my own. 

Closer?

She and I appear to be getting closer. Last week she showed more submission than she had for quite some time. Been talking about it since then. 

Did not get to see much of her last week because one of her friends was in the hospital and another died unexpectedly and suddenly. I feel badly for her and what she is going through emotionally.

At the same time maybe I should question whether karma is sending me a message?

Yesterday I gave her the key to my place. Maybe I should have made the presentation more dramatic. She accepted it but it seemed like it held no importance. Or at least not much. It was a big thing to me. I am very private. I have not given out a key to my house since I broke up with the ex. It is something I have done very few times in my life at all. Only 5 times before this and only once to someone not living with me when I did. So in 4 cases, it was a key to their own home. 

Maybe I let my own fear talk too much. 

Last night was my first time orienting at night at the second prison. It went well with no problems. I think I will like this job. Only time will tell for sure. 

Good news

Good news. I called the other prison to see if they have any PRN night shifts available and they said yes. Sounded rather happy to hear from me. 

Since I am already in the system, they did not delay, asked when I can orient. I said Tue and they said okay. I'll be there at 7 AM Tue. They said it is the largest prison in AL and have multiple medical units, including an ER. There is an "ER" at Kilby but it is literally a room. Which is locked when not in use. This prison (Staton) made it sound like they actually staff their ER. I'll have to ask more about that. 

I know it will not be a true ER. Unlikely they do ACLS there. No lab, no radiologist at all times, no ability to do a heart cath. I know they will not be setting broken bones. So it's really more like an urgent care clinic, if anything. 

So, if I get more hours there and a consistently decent number of hours between both facilities, I'll be happy. Been spinning my wheels for a while now. Kilby is playing favorites and seem to be trying to manipulate me into working shifts I do not care to work. Second shift is always short of staff and for good reason. The ones who remain on that shift are loud, obnoxious, unprofessional and spend more time laughing and flirting than working. The day shift is full of drama queens that play petty power games. No intervention to control it. I have no stomach for it. Besides, bouncing between shifts takes time from daughter and gf, aside from taking a toll on my health. Physically and emotionally. 

If I am ever going to buy a house here, I have to increase my income. 

My first video to raise money sucked. It had lag, audio problems and my mind was not focused. It showed. So I need to redo that. 

Alone

A couple of days ago, I finally got things moving to increase my efforts to get some kind of income going from my writing. Started a GoFundMe page, updated my Patreon page. 

I wrote a post and then made a new video, first one in months. 

I was not really organized and the video did not come out well. Going to redo it. But I showed it to my gf. In it, I state that I am single. The context is that I have things that require time, such as mundane tasks. I also mentioned work and my daughter. It's obvious in the video that I was not well focused. 

Because I did not mention having a gf, she got upset. From there, seemed like she did not hear anything else in the video. The only comments she made were about me not mentioning her and that the video was too long. Each one multiple times.

I explained the rationale and it does remain valid. I have nobody helping with cooking, cleaning, housework, etc. Sure as hell nobody paying my bills but I did not mention that. I just now thought of that. 

She said she did not sleep all night because of that. Really? For that?

This upsets me for something on a very different level. This is an effort I have been building to for several years. I have put many, many hours, a lot of work and a lot of emotion into. I have hopes for my writing, not only for an income but for positive changes I hope to make in the way people think. To improve this country and the world. Yet she took that effort and turned the entire subject into something about her. 

Nothing else has been about me. Not in the ways I have said I want. Lately she has been saying things about how I will be better off materially with her. That would be nice but I'm not materialistic. What does matter to me just gets delayed or completely ignored. For coming onto a year now. 

She also still keeps interrupting me when I speak a lot. By contrast, I already speak only a fraction of how much she does. I'm usually listening. So when she does that it just seems to indicate that she doesn't care much what I have to say.

So, at this point I feel very much emotionally alone. I don't ask anyone to help me with anything. 

Starting to think I need some time to myself. 

Actions speak louder than words

Daughter had a lot of homework this weekend. So we stayed home, she worked on that and we watched videos, listened to music. I wrote the first part of an article but couldn't focus all that well. Get more writing done at work tonight if I have time. 

Haven't gotten started on getting funding going. Second attempt. I may have more success now that I have a LOT of writing already done to use as examples of my work. No small number of videos. 

Heard Jimmy Dore say to get his channel off the ground took $60,000. I'm not going for anything quite so elaborate. If I get there, I get there. I do hope to get there but not hoping for that much of a starting point by any means. 

My gf started talking about things we had discussed before. For the most part, I could not bring myself to go into the discussion very far. At this point, I'm emotionally locked on that. The discussion has taken place too many times but then ends with discussion. Nothing results from the discussion.

I know she loves me or believes she does. I know there are many limits on us and that she has multiple health issues. But when is there a singular day that becomes about my wishes? She asks me what I want to watch on Netflix but I don't really care much about that. I don't think she gets the point and I had figured she of all people would understand me in that respect. 

Maybe I am too dramatic and demanding. Too selfish. 

Back to the same place

Well, back full circle. She doesn't seem to notice that our relationship has largely gone directly back where it was. All about her.

Few weeks ago I made some statements of things I'd like to happen. They haven't. She hasn't noticed that I have not mentioned them again. She did give me a massage one night. Once. In almost a year. 

I'm not angry. Not depressed. More apathetic about it now. I see no point in putting my emotional energy into the thought. Definitely see no benefit in making an effort. 

She's noticed I've stopped singing to her. Maybe she's noticed I rarely cook for her any more. Don't massage her half as often. 

If we talk online I can say something because I'm typing. In person, she is oblivious to the fact that she interrupts me when I try to speak. Sometimes even when I am answering a question of hers. She has not noticed that I simply stop speaking. 

So, that idea of an equal relationship, a passionate relationship was once again a fantasy in my own head. 

Oh, well. Not really sure what I will do from here right now. Because I'm not bringing the subject up again. If she cannot see it, there's really no point in discussing it. I don't want any more promises. 

I am going to keep trying to get my writing seen by more people. It is happening slowly. Need to try again for more funding. GoFundMe, Kickstarter, Patreon. Try and get some articles published in online journals. Plus start working on putting some writing together into a book. 

At this moment I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. Not horribly so. Probably feel better after some sleep. 

Improvements

I definitely had some bed bugs again. They came out last night and this morning. Many were so tiny I could barely see them. Like microscopic. Obviously they had recently hatched. So I tore the bed apart, turned the box springs upside down and sprayed poison heavily. That was a few hours ago. I've been turning the sheets and pillows down repeatedly and have not seen a single one since this morning. Doesn't seem like any of them bit me. They were too small. Just dealing with them makes my skin crawl and itch. 

Called this morning to see about getting some shifts at the other prison. The company said yes and the prison is supposed to call me back to interview and/or schedule. They haven't called yet but no surprise. Fri before a holiday weekend. The supervisor may not have even been there today. 

Then I got a call from the prison I am working at, asking if I can work Monday night. I said yes. I'm already working Sun night. Wondering why they need someone now. Maybe the nurse who is quitting said she can't work that night. Technically, if she submitted her resignation on a Mon, then Sun is 14 days. That's okay. Gives me a little extra pay until I find out about the other prison. 

My sleep has been crap last couple of days for multiple reasons, including finding bed bugs again. I wanted to find out where they were coming from so I did not spread them. Looks like I found their hiding spot. Hate those little bastards!

Changes all around

Been seeing changes everywhere. At work they started using a computer system. Badly designed and implemented. Only training we had were videos and watching someone doing a presentation. No live practice until it went live on Monday. So this week has been pretty bad at work. 

Not to mention we have been short of staff every night. One night another nurse was several hours late, so I had to do the job of three nurses for those hours. Then the charge nurse did not know how to enter information in the computer, so I had to do part of her job, also. 

One night nurse turned in her resignation last week yet remains on the next schedule. Nurses have walked out on shifts, not shown up for work and that one resigning. Yet they cut my hours to only 8 shifts in all of Sept. I show up for work on time, do my job and rarely complain about anything. Aside from doing 3 1/2 nurses jobs. I was not happy about that. Calling to see about picking up shifts at another prison. If I like it there I may just transfer if they have enough work open. 

Less work will mean more time to write and I plan on putting some of my writing together into a book soon. Though I still have to pay the bills until that happens. Of course, cannot be sure it will even sell. So I have to pay the bills any way. 

Got rid of nearly all the bed bugs. I have seen a very small few but they were in the process of dying when I saw them, thanks to the poison I applied. Always when the bed has been empty for a long time. Not having any bites from them, either. I wound up replacing all my pillows because I now suspect they came from some pillows I bought at a clearance store a few weeks ago. They looked brand new and did not say refurbished but maybe a warehouse along the way had a problem? No matter where they came from, happy to be getting rid of them. From all I've read, they are hell to eliminate.

Things have been pretty good with my gf lately except for one thing. Sex is not bad but not what we had discussed. Maybe I should be more aggressive on the subject but that doesn't seem appropriate when she often complains of health issues. Still, I am disappointed because I am not expecting anything we had not discussed on numerous occasions over a long time. Including before we ever met. I'm not being impatient because in a few days I'll have been in AL for a full year. We will have been seeing each other for a year not too long after that. So I have waited a year for something that was supposed to have occurred from the beginning. 

I still give her a massage probably 40 times to 1 for me. Maybe more. I should be used to that. Story of all my past relationships in that respect. So is the sexual activity. I do what they want, don't get the same consideration in return. So it remains talking, eating and Netflix 90% of the time. So I wind up pleasing myself. I should be used to that too. Maybe I really should consider looking for an outside sensual partner. I love my gf but this is leaving me feeling unfulfilled on multiple levels. I did get used to that throughout multiple past relationships but that was why I wound up not dating for numerous years. I don't care to leave myself in that position again. I also don't want to keep having that conversation over and over with nothing changing. 

Bed bugs

Had an experience I have never had before. I had bed bugs.

For a few weeks, I was having itching, mostly my hands and wrists but it spread to my left tricep area, seeming to skip my forearms. I had tiny bumps and slight redness which came and went. I thought I was having a fungal problem caused by my UC. It would make sense. 

Recently, my gf started saying she had a lot of bug bites, which cause an allergic reaction for her. But she had recently been to the coast, then it started raining a lot and the mosquito count went WAY up. So I did not think much of it related to her being here. Besides, she actually saw a mosquito a couple of times bite her while she wasn't here.

Today the picture changed. I started thinking and noticed my itching was only on exposed areas of skin. I was wondering if maybe it was a heat rash but that usually happens on covered skin that is moist from sweat frequently. So not a heat rash. Then the gf texted that she had new bites on her leg which were not there yesterday. We had laid in bed for a while and talked yesterday.

I went and checked. Pulled back the mattress and sure enough, saw things scurry. Pulled up the mattress cover and saw more. Sure enough, bed bugs. Until today, I had never seen one in real life, only pictures. 

It puzzled me where they came from. Another apartment? The one above me has been empty for months. I have not traveled anywhere in a year almost. Then it hit me. This was a going away present from my drug dealing next door neighbors as they moved out. They had parked trailers and trucks right in front of my apartment while they loaded their shit. Obviously bugs shook loose, made their way inside and infested my bed. 

Within minutes of finding them, I told gf about it. She took it well. I'm glad. I was worried about that. I stripped the bed, packed the bedding in plastic bags. Went and got special poison for bed bugs. Got change. Tossed bedding in the wash. Came back and sprayed poison. 

Then gf came over for a few hours. We stayed in the living room and watched TV. After she left, I set off bug bombs in my bedroom and daughter's room. I checked and saw no sign in her room but treated any way. I have one more bug bomb left and that one will be used in the living room when I go to work tomorrow night. 

I intend to be thorough and get rid of these bastards all in one shot. It may be easy because they have not been here long. There did not seem to be too many of them. I do know they lay eggs and multiply quickly. 

That led me to question how I had been treating my skin. I'd been using salt or Epsom salt and vinegar, which is appropriate for a fungal issue. (And highly effective.) It would ease for a short while and come back worse. Bug bites that raise welts or bumps are either alkaline or acidic, so you neutralize them with the opposite. I decided to try baking soda. It worked. The bites shrank rapidly. Still some itching but not all the poison from them is gone yet. I am hoping it's completely cured by morning now. 

Sleeping on the futon while I allow the bug bomb to do its job and then air the rooms out tomorrow. 

Work slowed down how many hours I am getting. Then tonight I get a text asking if I can work tonight. I could use the money but did not feel great and figured this may change their mindset. This is twice this week the night shift was short. One night a nurse left because she could not force the night nurses to giver her her way. Another diva. 

Didn't happen

Well, Tuesday was the specific day I had mentioned in my last writing. Tues I did not see her at all. Wed she came over fairly early but did not feel well. 

I'm not expecting any part of it to happen today. Or tomorrow. I've stopped expecting it any more. In about 2 weeks I'll have been in AL for a strangely short year. She and I did not meet for a few weeks after I got here but we have been together for at least 10 months. I'd say I've been relatively patient. 

Guess it will always be put aside because of illness, injury, emotion, schedule or something. 

I can really only blame myself. 

Nurses at work keep getting worse. I think one night nurse is going to quit. She shows all the classic signs. Though if she does, it will give me more hours and will probably be an improvement in some ways. Of course, depends on who they replace her with and when. Have to wait and see.

Two weeks?

Can't believe it's been two weeks since I posted anything here. 

One thing is that I have been working more. Plus been writing politically a lot. Mostly regarding censorship this past week.

Daughter started back to school this past week. She seems to like her school. I'm happy about that. The school is multiracial, multicultural and is a place where gay or bisexual teens feel comfortable saying so openly. It is largely focused on academic achievement as well. So she feels comfortable being who she is there. I am happier about that than anything. She sounds like she is opening up socially in this environment, so seriously glad of that.

Have not seen a lot of gf last few weeks. Illness, injury and her children and grandchildren came to visit. Plus she had a political event this past week, which she largely organizes. I understand all of that, so it has not upset me. 

Of course, I do get lonely but all the writing has helped. Besides, my UC was giving me hell this past week. Probably because of stress about the censorship issue. That one really does anger and scare me. 

She has said she misses me and it has made her depressed. We have discussed going deeper into things we have discussed before. I finally said I wanted to plan ahead for certain on one specific day. She agreed. So, have to wait and see if that happens. 

I still love her more than any woman I have ever known. No question about that. I wasn't pushing any issues. Had reached the point on some things that I was giving up on it. Not angry or depressed. Though it was highly disappointing and left me feeling like it just didn't matter to her. She started talking about it when I did not. Maybe the fact that I did stop talking about it got through. Maybe she realizes that if I stop talking about something, it does mean I have given up but that doesn't mean it's no longer a part of me. She says she gets worried someone else may approach me. I have not been going anywhere or doing anything. Nobody at work is attractive. Not talking to anyone online. have not been looking. All that said, there are times I cannot say if someone approached me that I would not be tempted for some things. What with part of me being kept oppressed, ignored, etc while being a definite part of me. Doubt I would act on it but the thought could potentially be there. I am human, after all. I love her but must of necessity love myself. 

Something that seems to make her nervous is that my writing seems to be gaining attention. I'm not sorry for that. It's a goal for that to happen! But not for any women to be attracted to me. I want my ideas to spread. I want my writing propagated. I'd love to be able to make enough money from writing to make a living. I am thinking of gathering/editing some of my writing into a book and publishing electronically. Later go to print if it's popular enough or it gets an offer. But if that makes her take my feelings more into consideration, I'm okay with it. I always care how she feels. I just need my feelings validated too. Nothing wrong with that. 

One change back

Changed one thing back. I started back on Trazodone. Not taking it was disrupting my sleep and making my anxiety worse. I had thought of getting treatment a few years back for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's intermittent but definitely there. Really felt it at the gym today. 


Any way, I may cut the dose in half again, so I would be taking only 1/4 tablet. See how that does. 


May not be the medication messing with my motivation, any way. May just be a pulled ligament and my schedule. Plus my finances. I've been writing a lot while on Trazodone, so seems unlikely it's doing that. 


Daughter chose to go back to her mother's today instead of tomorrow. That made me sad. I didn't show it. This was the last week she could stay over until Monday afternoon. She's back in school next Monday. 


Make the most of it. Need a haircut pretty badly. Do that in the morning. Have lots of studying and writing to finish. Need to renew my CPR but that can happen next week. 


I need to do the CD for GF which is several weeks late. Was sick for a while, depressed for a while and schedule has been difficult to get that done. 


Finally made some homemade yeast doughnuts this weekend. Daughter loved them! I have dough in the fridge to make more tomorrow and take to work tomorrow night. I promised I would do so. 


GF has been busy today doing a newsletter. So I'm expecting if I see her tomorrow it will be late. Then I have to work tomorrow night. Would not be a surprise. For some time, still been more of a surprise when she does come over than when she doesn't. If she gets here before 5 (and doesn't have to leave) it's an actual shock. 


Yes, I love her very much. I have seen positive changes since we talked. But still being patient, cautious. Careful with my heart. 

Some changes

Since gf and I talked last week, I have been seeing some difference and effort on her part. I do sense some level of emotional restraint or insecurity on her part. That's to be expected for a short while. It's only a problem if it continues because that would be an indication that what we discussed isn't really what she wanted. It would mean she wanted things the way they had been going. However, she seems entirely sincere. 


Did not see each other very much this week because she was not feeling so well. I still am understanding of that and all else. I know this is not easy for her. Just being able to find a way to spend time with me is difficult. I'm not blind to any of that. 


This past week I stopped taking Trazodone. Seeing if that brings back my motivation a bit. Though my schedule has not helped in that regard much. I am sleeping less since I stopped taking it. That's not such a great thing. Though emotionally I am being slightly less reclusive. More jovial. Okay, a little. May be a good thing for me to stop it. It can reduce hemoglobin levels. Oddly, my leg pain has reduced since stopping it. Not sure if that's related or coincidence. 


Been checking my blood sugar more frequently lately. Turned out I was taking too much Creatine and it was driving my sugar too high for me, since I'm normally hypoglycemic. Even into a low diabetic range at some times. That probably reduced my appetite a lot. So I reduced the Creatine and sugar fell into a more normal range. 


Still, my UC has been giving me hell this week. Bowel habits changing. To some degree for the better but any change in that respect is an adjustment for the whole body. 


Daughter has to start back to school 8/6/18. I hate it. They keep cutting school vacations shorter for kids. Went to the orientation for her school last weekend. This school sounds harsh. Daughter sounded okay with it. Need to talk with her and tell her she can always talk with me about anything. Plus I want to review some self defense with her before school starts. 

The talk

GF came over last night and we talked. It was a difficult talk to have but it had to happen.

She asked if I had unfollowed her page and I said yes. She asked why and I told her. Then the discussion turned to the widening gap between us and I spoke honestly. Told her she was correct. Then explained why. That our relationship had become all about her. 

It became rather tense for me and she was in tears. It took several attempts to get her to listen to what I was saying and that I was not throwing her away, I was telling her how I felt. I illustrated by the fact that early in the discussion I was talking about inviting her over for lunch with daughter and I. She interrupted mid-sentence to talk about her blood sugar and blood pressure. I think that was when she got it. I explained that I spend all my time alone and then seem to be a servant of some kind when she's here. More than bf, any way. That I don't mind being her nurse, confidante, therapist, masseur, cook, etc but there has to be something in it for me.

I finally got through with all of that. Though she was so resistant to listening I had to fight the urge to tell her to go several times. If she had not listened at that point, I would have. Not to where she could not come back but to give her time to think about it.

After that, things changed radically. She promises to change things as much as she can. Of course, I have to wait and see if that happens. Words are easy. 

I still love her intensely. Otherwise I would not continue putting in the effort. I know only a certain amount can change for the time being. I accept that. I have always accepted certain limits. I just cannot accept a growing number of limits and no room for growth in our relationship. There is very little I have the ability to ask for realistically. 

Have to get to bed. Fell asleep sitting here. 

It's all clear

GF texted me today to say she understand how I have felt for weeks. Because she is depressed and lonely.

Basically, if I am depressed, she is more depressed. 

She said something sexually suggestive and then said she's a bad girl. I said "Maybe someday bad enough for chains." She replied "lol good". Then changed the subject immediately to her blood sugar.

It's unquestionable. I have become a nurse, a cook, a masseur and a Netflix buddy. There's nothing that tilts the balance in the direction of my wants and needs. 

So I care about her and she cares about her. This is familiar territory because I've been here several times. 

If I am going to be left as the only one that thinks about my concerns, then that is exactly what I am going to do. Not trying to do anything else any more. 

Disappointed

Never made it to the gym. I started writing instead.

Laid down for a while this afternoon. May have fallen asleep for a short while but don't think I did.

GF came over. We checked her blood sugar, ate, watched Netflix, I massaged her leg. Nothing else. Wish I could say I was surprised. I wasn't. 

Yep, decision made. Going to start checking out the 24 hours places next week after work in the mornings. Can go to the gym and then there. 

My depressive cycle is still ongoing but at this point it's less physical and more emotional. Not sure any of it is chemistry any more. Oh, well. I'll still deal with it and forge ahead. What else can I do?

Have to work tonight. Hope I have energy for the gym in the morning. I did start trying much harder to build triceps the other day. Been feeling it but not horribly. Bad thing is that I can't push to maximum limit of triceps and chest on the same day. Unless I switch my pattern, which I will try in the morning. Working my chest requires triceps use. If I exhaust those, can't do as much on chest press. Maybe if I do chest first I'll be able to do more. Worth a shot. In any case, if I want to build my arms up further, need to build triceps, not just biceps. In the long run, perhaps doing that will allow me to build chest faster? Wait and see. Could be that has held me back. 

Improving

Depressive cycle is improving. Coming out of it slowly. 

GF came over last night. I was happy about it and still am. Though she had said she was going to be here around 3. Then it became 4:30. She got here after 6. Stayed until 9, so I was happy of that. 

Today she says she will be here after she gets her hair done. Appointment is at 11. No idea how long it will take or what she will do after that and before coming over. Not expecting before 5. Been many months now that I've seen her before 5 unless she had to leave early. 

I love her. I'm just not happy with this situation. I really want to throw myself into this relationship again entirely with only as much reserve as the situation dictates. 

Had the urge last night after she left to go to karaoke at the place I checked out the other night. Decided against it. Though if something different doesn't happen today I am going to check out the 24 hours places tomorrow morning.

Yes, it has become difficult to write about how much I love her. Too much doubt and isolation now for me. It can turn around but not by anything I have control over. 

I can really only control what I do other than inside the relationship. So that appears at the moment to spend huge amounts of time alone and celibate. Leaving me prone to isolation and depression. No, I do not think my depressive cycle was solely chemical by any means. Or get involved in other endeavors, of which there seem to be few options available here. Or try and expand my social circle by some means. If by necessity that includes physical contact, I've been averse to that but becoming less so. For good reason. 

In the meantime, going to start getting back to the gym more. I've adjusted to my work schedule and managed to go to the gym after work yesterday morning. I just have to adjust my sleep schedule to compensate, so I'm not exhausted after work. Pisses me off they have the ab room closed and not opening for some time. I'd reduce my membership to the cheaper one if not for the tanning bed part. I may drive out to Prattville sometime and see what that club looks like. Have not yet been out to Prattville. 

I am doing slowly better on some things at the gym. Finally managed to get where my chest is larger than my abdomen. Not an easy thing to do at 56 years old. I slowed down on my progress on purpose since I am working and had reached a level where I was stressing bone and ligament to the danger point. Better to take it slower. I can build muscle mass at lower weight levels. Just focus more on endurance. I still push up to near my previous limits. With no ab room, I am focusing on building chest, biceps and triceps. I've gained a lot of muscle to my legs. Or should say REgained. My legs had gotten too skinny. Now I'm happy with them again. Lats are back as they were in my early 30's. Maybe larger. Working on shoulders at home and slowly to prevent impingement. No desire to be in that much pain. 

Happy to say my weight stabilized. Staying around 165. Learned I do not trust the scale at work. 

So, speaking of which, I am going to the gym in a few minutes. Come back and take a bath and a nap. Hopefully see gf later. Hopefully. 

The difference

Haven't heard from her since she said she was lying down. Maybe she went to urgent care. Or not.

She may be reading this and, instead of understanding my feelings or talking about it, holds it against me. If so, okay. Nothing I can do about that. Spend more time alone? Suppress my emotions more?

I've said I spent years alone, not dating, celibate. That was a choice. It was not imposed on me. I had no expectations but if I chose to date, I could have at least tried. I also had things to spend my time on. 

Thing is, there is a huge difference between making a pass at someone you barely know or have not made emotional promises to as opposed to someone you have allegedly formed an emotional bond with. In one case, you can just accept it and continue on. In the other, it causes feelings of rejection, pain, loneliness. In one case you have an interest, possibly a hope but no expectations. In the other, you have expectations based on promises made. Promises that you will be there for each other emotionally, physically and intimately. In one case, no is simply no. It changes nothing. In the other, no changes everything. 

And simply not being there or talking about it leaves emotions in limbo. I can take any answer which is an answer. What's been happening are questions with no answers. Denial that there is a question. 

Alone again

As expected, GF texted and said she is sleepy and dizzy. 

So, she won't be coming over. 

She thinks she may have taken a night time medication during the day. Plus her blood sugar is 175, which makes her sleepy. Been trying to get her to bring her new insulin over since prescribed a week ago. She hasn't brought it.

So, I am going to take a nap before work. 

In the morning after work, I'll go to the gym. Then go check out a couple of 24 hour places. See if anyone is there that I can get in a decent conversation with. Or any attractive women. (I seriously doubt either will be true.) Then come home, make a couple of work phone calls and do more writing. 

As of right now, no work tomorrow night. Maybe that will change. Who knows?

Forcing myself out of it

Been forcing myself out of my depressive cycle to a degree. It's still there but I am making myself focus and function in spite of it.

Made myself start writing yesterday. Managed to finish an article. Today I did the same thing. Honestly, I think the article I wrote yesterday was really informative and gives ammunition to fellow Democratic Socialists to use in the battle. The one I wrote today was more abstract but explains how and why DS is a system which improves economics, education and decreases crime while advancing social evolution at all levels.

I linked back to previous articles about establishing a maximum income and casino economics. So I have reached a point where I can tie my ideas together comprehensively. 

So, I am still largely in a classification of writing all by myself, it seems. I'm sure there are some writers who advance ideas like pure Socialism. Many of whom are trying to sell books, not ideas. How ironic is that? Yet even they use it as a platform to rage against certain people. For myself, I am promoting ideas, concepts, understanding. Sure, I would LOVE to make money off of this and still hope to do so someday. Gain a following of people with similar ideas. My own groupies. lol! I think I should try and compile my writing into books soon and see if I am able to publish them by some means. Once again, ironically, I may try and publish electronically on Amazon. That would be awesome! Take the giant down from the inside!


GF came over yesterday. We ate and watched Netflix. I did feel better. Her leg is still hurt. Said she will come over later today. I slept late but think I will try and sleep more before she comes over. 

She brought me a fish and everything to go with it. A Betta. It's cute. Red, to remind me of her red hair. Like I need reminding? lol!

Yes, I am still horny but not quite as much. Thanks to the depressive cycle. In the long run, kind of doesn't matter. Same with being lonely much of the time. Oh, well. If I wind up alone and celibate what's the difference? 

Have not heard back from the other prison. If nothing today, will call back tomorrow and see what happens. If that doesn't pan out, I will see about one more prison and then check into the local jail as a second job. I'm making enough to live on but not much more than that. That needs to change. I'll push harder on it once this cycle breaks. Until then I'm a bit passive about it. 

Isolation

Today has been really bad emotionally for me.

I feel more isolated than I have in years. 

GF said her leg is getting better. However, she plans on going to urgent care tomorrow. Would not go Fri or Sat. So I expect she will go late in the day. 

I unfollowed her page for the time being. Too much of a separation for me from her views, which reflect the views of those who promote war. She says she is against war but refuses to listen. She continually posts things about Russiagate, Mueller and not trusting NK. Each of which will lead eventually to war. As long as anyone, any source is saying something against Trump, she will post it. 

This evening we had a discussion about Winner, who was arrested for "leaking" classified information. I explained in detail why that person's claims were discredited. She posted it, any way. She was supposed to be looking up claims on RT or Sputnik with Russia bragging about interfering in the election. (She never found it.) 

She says she loves my writing. That I have changed her mind on some issues. Yet it has changed nothing about her behavior. She doesn't discuss anything I write. There's no indication she has truly read it. I've gone into deep detail how Russia had nothing to gain by screwing with our election. Yet, long as it claims to implicate Trump, she believes it, no matter the cost. 

I could, would and did rather ignore that to a degree but when added to feeling distanced physically and emotionally, it leaves me feeling more isolated. More alone. 

I am going to be so happy when my neighbors move. At this point, I can NEVER walk out of my door, day or night, without someone being there. Usually walking in or out to buy pot. All I go out for is to smoke. No such thing as conversations with these people. So I wind up feeling like I am on stage on my own patio. 

I have to TRY and break my writer's block tomorrow. That is making things worse. I have ideas and notes for articles. Two started. I have not been able to finish anything. Cannot focus well enough. My writing does take a lot of emotion and emotional effort. Whether it sounds like it or not. 

Ongoing

So, I have mentioned that I am in a depressive cycle. What I have not mentioned (I think) is that this is the worst depressive cycle I have had in nearly 30 years. Longest in length, worse in depth.

To top it off, the past few days I have had a UC flare. Thought it was simply something I ate but apparently not because that would end as soon as it cleared my system. Instead, it's still happening. Yesterday I was only able to eat some rice. Managed to force myself to eat a couple of cupcakes last night at work. Just for calories.

My depressive cycles can be different from many people. I can laugh, joke, think clearly for the most part. My motivation takes a dive. I've had a writer's block for weeks. I have a libido but less likely to be assertive about it. 

The description by Sylvia Plath fits well. A Bell Jar. It is like being in a glass dome looking out. Separated, isolated. You see all that happens around you but it's not directly connected to you. You wait for someone to list the jar and interact, maybe join you for a time. Not to share misery, just to share. Once in a while for your benefit. It usually seems like anyone that lifts my jar will reach in enough to take something, then leave. They may want me to leave the jar but at the time I'm not ready. My body and brain chemistry is not ready. 

So the worst part is loneliness. Though I realize I can actually see things more clearly when in this state. My emotions move to the center. I still care about others around me. Still willing to do and listen. Less likely to seek out things, people, conditions, situations to care about. I become more technical than emotional. That's when I see that most people are always only interacting for themselves. What they can get from me. What I want doesn't matter. 

So nothing about them or their interactions with me changes. I wind up dealing with it alone. Nobody is going to ask what my needs are. They'll make their own assumptions and dictate what they think I want. Based on some little amount they are willing to give with no cost, no risk. Heaven forbid I want something like time, attention, affection. 

I doubt this will continue much longer. I'm less likely to make harsh decisions when in this state like I did when I was younger and did not know I was bipolar. But when I come out of it, I see things differently. I realize who is here and how much. 

A bit better

Not feeling so hot. Think I ate something yesterday that did not sit well. Woke with minor stomach pain but general discomfort. That's okay. Better I get sleep at a later hour so I won't be tired at work tonight.

I went out to have a beer last night. Just one beer. Got home and texted gf. She did what I expected to that and the fact I may occasionally work at the women's prison. She turned it into me pulling away from her and/or making her afraid. 

That was when I finally told her this is not fair to me. I have sat for hours, days waiting to spend time with her. Always in touch. Not out drinking or whoring around. That I have been understanding of all that keeps us apart in her life, tried to compensate for it where I can. I told her it hurts me when she does not trust me. 

No, I did not say I make decisions which stand to compensate for that pain. Yes, I can say I have some guilt over that. But does one stand without defense when faced with a threat? If pain seems likely or eminent, isn't it natural to try and minimize it? Fact is, I have not acted on it. I'd call it more research on options. By appearance, it would look bad. By actuality, it's not because there is a difference between words and actions. 

Any way, it sounded like I may have gotten through. I hope. Only way to really know is by what happens from here. Once again, words versus actions. 

If her words don't match her actions or her words indicate concern for her feelings while discounting mine, I guess my actions will have to change. 

If her words, feelings and actions are motivated by fear, that tends to vindicate me having fears of my own which are well justified. So this will lead to us becoming closer or further apart. Most of that is up to her. I've been reasonable. I'm still being reasonable. What's not reasonable is to place my life and heart on hold, sitting alone, waiting for things that rarely or never come. I'm not even being fair to myself. 

I've done this before. If I don't respect my own wishes, why should I expect someone else to do so? I'm patient but only to a point. I did learn from my past. 

10 minutes or less

Have to leave for a morning shift in a few minutes, so keeping this one short.

I mentioned that my gf made the assumption the other day that I did not want to have sex. At least, she pushed it off on me. This being allegedly because I am in a depressive cycle. No, that does not mean I am not interested. In fact, it helps my depression. The only difference is that I am less assertive. It was during my last down cycle that I allowed my more submissive side to come out, which is something I have never before done in my life. 

None of that apparently matters. Obviously I am not allowed to have a down cycle. Obviously she wants to avoid intimacy and put it off on me. 

Yes, it angers me. It hurts me.

I have genuinely gotten tired of being understanding. I understand her knee injury and bumping her head currently. I have been understanding through schedule problems, family illnesses and deaths, UTI, pneumonia, shoulder injury, leg injury, wrist injury, previous head injury, her depressive cycles (which has seemed to be continuous since Dec or Jan) and on and on. Not a week passes that I do not have to be understanding about something. 

It's old now. 

I'll write more after work. This was just on my mind. 

Still down

I'm still in a depressive cycle. This is the worst one I've had in many years. This one includes physical pain, which has happened no small number of times in the distant past. Really hard to get motivated. 

GF came by Mon and Tue. For various reasons, no sex. I could have been more assertive but tend not to be when in a down cycle. But she did not ask, basically told me on Mon. Tue she injured herself. 

I work tomorrow morning at a different facility. The women's prison psych unit. Hmm. Not sure how to feel about the psych unit yet. In any case, I have more shifts coming up than I have had this past month at my base facility. Because they're losing people right and left. Including the ADON. But between that and orienting to other facilities, I will be getting more hours, it would appear. My income will increase and stabilize. 

On the other hand, it will mean less time open for gf and I. Plus she is taking more classes. Not much free time together any more. Not like it was utilized much any way. Except to watch Netflix or Hulu. Seriously, it's not seeming like she minds. Maybe she doesn't. She definitely doesn't mind lack of sex. 

So, mind is made up. I am going to check out the 24 hour places in town. Of course, it's most likely I'll run into nothing but barflies. Unlikely to find much lucid conversation. Just something to pass time until I find or create something more to my liking. Like maybe a Progressive conversation group. Maybe. Or maybe start taking some classes or something. Not sure. 

Down and up

Still in a depressive cycle. This one is getting bad at times. Worst part is feeling like things are useless. 

That's not me. I keep fighting. It's my nature.

On the up side, called a few minutes ago and I will orient to another facility Thur morning. That will increase my income stability. GF may not like it that it will be at a women's prison but she will have to deal with it. That comes down to whether she trusts me or not.

Where gf is concerned, I know she has been sick a lot lately. However, it's not like I am present when she is. That leaves me feeling alone and lonely. Everything I go through, illness, pain, anxiety, depression, I go through alone. There is no place I can truly turn. Affection tends to be by text. Promises go unfulfilled. 

But to be honest, this is nothing new. That has been true at some level with EVERY relationship I have had in my life. At least in this case she does not try and insult me for having my own emotions. She accepts them. However, hers take precedence. Always. Especially depression or anxiety. If I express those, hers are worse. It becomes a competition. To which I concede because I'm just used to going through those things on my own. Guess it's just my karma. 

That doesn't make it easy but at least I am strong enough to handle those things on my own. But if I am to be alone emotionally, what is the point? To forever be there for the other person? 

If that is going to be the case, this is where I have ultimately defined past behavior. If I get nothing else out of it, then sensually I will seek out someone who at least gives me pleasure in that respect. If she is not going to be submissive, I may start seeking someone that is submissive sexually. Not doing so as yet but I may. 

Learned there are a couple of bars in town that are open 24/7. They probably don't sell alcohol all hours but they are open. So I can go after work in the mornings. If nothing else, maybe some social contact? Someone to talk to once in a while? That would help. Feeling isolated is the worst part. Sex is not what I want, really. It just tends to be what is available. Not counting on much intellectual conversation. Not much interested in drinking, either. I may have one beer and then switch to soda if I get into a conversation with someone with half a brain once in a while. 

Even many of my friends online are migrating toward "Blew No Matter Who". Meaning voting for corporate Demoncraps to fight Repugnicans. Both parties are nothing but corporate whores who fight against the people and in favor of war. So I am dumping them. They know better. Educating them does no good. 

Better night at work

Had a good night at work last night. Second time I worked the front pill room. First time sucked hard. I was not prepared because the training was inadequate, so I was playing it completely by ear. Using what little knowledge I had to merely survive the night. Last night was far different. I used what I learned from the first night and blasted through all that had to be done. People were quire surprised I finished everything as rapidly as I did and then I went out for a cigarette. 

I love shocked expressions when I get organized.


On the other hand, I get home and still in a depressive cycle. Think I'll just wallow in it. Why not? Not like anyone is here to drag me out of it. 

GF says she will come by this evening after her class and before I go to work. Honestly, I'm not holding my breath for it to happen right now. If she does, great, if not.. Basically, I'm tired of getting my hopes up. 


Guess I have mentioned I am tired of spending this much time alone. Really considering what I need to do, how I can take control of my own circumstances to stop spending so much time alone. I was going to go to the gym this morning. Then the maintenance men said they would be here before 8:30 this morning. It's 10 and they have not been here. So I guess that and the doctor is what I will do tomorrow or Fri morning. 


Have to find something to do with my time. 

Alone again, naturally

So, gf texted and said her blood sugar was over 300, which is bad for her. Been trying to get her to get insulin as a backup to her oral meds for some time. She keeps avoiding it.

So, she had to go to urgent care. They gave her insulin and an IV to flush ketones. 

She won't be over this evening as planned. That's okay. I haven't taken a nap yet. Tried to but it didn't work. Try again shortly.

I'm used to being alone in relationships. Last relationship I was alone for all ten years. Just not so much physically. I convinced myself at times I was not alone. That was all. Part of me always knew it. 

Haven't heard anything back from the company yet. I'll call tomorrow morning if I don't hear from them by then. 

Depressive cycle?

I think I'm sinking into a depressive cycle. All the evidence is there.

Not like suicidal or anything like that. Been having less interest and more easily annoyed. 

I feel basically involuntarily isolated to a large degree. Not enough work this week. Which slightly dims finances in the near future. Making enough to live on but cuts that thinner than I like and not moving forward at all. 

Glad I finally got hold of the company yesterday, as not reaching them last week made things worse. Hope to hear something back from them today or tomorrow, get some orientation done at other places next week. 

Lack of sex and my desires ignored/discounted/whatever laves me feeling like I am merely here for my gf. Nothing about me really matters much. Feeling unattractive. Not much motivation to do anything about it at the moment. Tired of mentioning it. 

Maybe my disrupted sleep schedule sparked this. I should be happy that I have a second vehicle but having an additional payment is a stress. Plus it costs more for insurance. 

Still thinking of signing on for a second job. Just because it would be more secure. If I don't get enough hours at this job, can pick up more at the other. Though PRN work here works strangely. They think it comes with a commitment on your part but not on theirs. 

I guess that defines everything. Seems like all the commitments I have entered into are asking of me but my needs are invalidated. Story of modern life. Story of my life. 

Not much to do here. Not that I know of. I do need to get out more and explore. 

Maybe doing more political writing would help but not even feeling like doing that lately. The news cycle seems dynamic to some people but honestly it's static. Stuck on the same thing day after day and that's mostly sensationalism. The real stories like the fall of the economy go suppressed, downplayed. 

Oh, well. Try and get more sleep later. Maybe get to the doctor. 

Update 6-25-18

GF came over this afternoon. Said she was going to get here early. Got here after 5. With food. Said she had a sexy surprise for me. She ate. We watched Netflix. She had to leave.

Oh, well. My libido is at ebb tide lately. I understand her health, her life position and all of that. I just don't want to be a caregiver all the time. I don't want to be understanding all the time. Once in a while, I want to be the one getting a massage, being served, being pleased. Nothing unfair or unreasonable about that. 

Finally got hold of the corporate office. They are checking into me orienting at other facilities, probably next week. This paycheck will be a little short but enough to live on. I'll be happy to get oriented to other facilities, make my income more secure. Especially now that I have the second vehicle. 

I still need to set an appointment or do a walk-in to see my doc for a refill prescription before my anti-spasmodic runs out. I take so little of the sleeping med that I have numerous refills left. 

My new piercing tapers came in. Got a set of like 50 of them but most are WAY too big for me. I really only need the smallest ones, to dilate my ear piercing so it doesn't close up within a few days if I don't have a stud in place. The large set was just the best value and contained the sizes I wanted. 

The stock market dropped by over 300 points by the end of the day again today. Better than it could have been because it dropped nearly 500 points earlier in the day. I was watching the swing up and down all day long. The stair step phenomenon I had written about before. Caused by stocks dropping in price, being bought and then sold again. Soon the buying will stop. I really expected this to take place over days or weeks, not hours. This indicates the bottom is going to drop out soon. People are squeezing that last pennies out of those stocks before cashing out completely. So the real crash may come as soon as this week. Next week at the latest. 

Just as I predicted, in the heat of summer. This has been my most accurate prediction to date. I outlined the exact steps which would occur. Some things I did not see coming and I did not expect certain things to happen in such close succession. I understand why they did. Just to push back the crash because those steps are integral. It really is being manipulated at the very top. 

Several top economists and financial experts are admitting a crash is going to occur. They are NOT honest about when. They claim it will happen late this year or later. They KNOW it's happening now. Of course, they are admitting it to blame Trump. Trump is making it worse but is not the sole cause. 

In my writing it can sometimes sound like I am joyous about the fall of the US Empire. Not entirely true but not untrue. The US Empire must fall if the world has any chance at anything resembling peace. It also MUST happen for many, if not most Americans to wake up and see just how much damage we have caused and continue to cause globally. Small examples will not get through to them. NK and SK holding peace talks, the EU getting ready to eject the US on many levels, people blind to rising censorship, the situation in Venezuela, the EU refusing to enforce further US-devised sanctions on Russia and Iran, ISIS being defeated in Syria against the efforts of the US but with help from Russia. So much more. People who watch corporate media have no idea and don't want to. It will not be until it blindsides them that it will hit home. Even then they think we will wage war, when we will not have the resources to do even that this time. So this is mandatory. It is the only way things will change for the better.