Take a breath

I am taking time to take a breath.
My intuition is on extreme alert. Not in a bad way.
I have felt forces building around me for some time now. Did not know what it was until the last couple of days. Now I know.
This coming year is going to be a major transition for me. Not a negative transition, just a transition.
Most of what I feel is more positive than I can believe for my own life. Like nothing I have felt before. 
However, transition is change. Things to rejoice and things to grieve. 
While I still need to finish both books I am working on and work more on the websites, I'm not really expecting massive response from them immediately. So I really don't know what changes/transitions may be coming. 
I would say I hope any positive change means an immediate positive change for many. Though this feels like something more personal. 
Or maybe it's all wishful thinking.
In any case, this is one of my favorite songs in life. One of the best transition songs (New year's Eve songs) you will ever hear in your life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0YwbAmCwz8

Yeah, forget that

On really thinking about it further, I decided I will not become celibate voluntarily. Not for now. It makes no sense at all to do so. It would be ridiculous to respond to being denied what I find an important part of human existence by then denying myself the same part of my existence. 

Things haven't hanged and are not going to change. I no longer speak with her about anything at all which isn't focused entirely on her. Even that would not be so bad but all of it seems to be depressing and hypochondriac. It is all about her consecutive illnesses and injuries, how her husband mistreats her, one crisis after another and how depressed she is. Always. She doesn't want to feel better, it appears. At least not emotionally. 

I can't do it any more. 

Add to it that work has been horrible. Power games and workplace politics. Past couple of weeks I have barely left work a single morning without feeling like I have been physically assaulted. 

I don't feel much like Christmas this year for obvious reasons. Couldn't afford all that much for Christmas this year, thanks to my hours being reduced for a while some weeks back, just in time to impact my Christmas finances. I did not go into debt but spent more than I intended to. Not sorry for what I did spend but mentally had no imagination or focus for people outside my immediate family and friends. 

Back to celibacy

I have decided to go back to celibacy. At this point I find it to be the best choice for me, at least for a while.

The years I spent being celibate were the most emotionally stable years of my adult life. No drama being introduced externally. Besides, if you have no expectations, you are less likely to be disappointed. 

This would be the best route to reclaiming control over my emotions and my sex life. Yes, having no sex by choice is control. Much more so than not having sex by someone else's choice. 

My gf did come over Fri morning. I got virtually no affection, absolutely no intimacy. Unless you count her feet pointed toward me as intimacy, which I don't. She talked, I basically listened. If I tried to talk, she interrupted. I told her I've had a bad week at work. She never asked for specifics or gave me a chance to elaborate. 

Today was the last day I will see her until after Christmas. Maybe until after New years. You would think that would spark some kind of emotional response from her but it didn't. Only thing that mattered was me listening to her. 

Fine, I will listen. That's where it stops. I can no longer allow myself any emotional or sensual dependency or reliance on her. Two years is enough. 

Same stuff, different day, different week, different year

No changes since last writing. Things have gone right back to exactly where they were. GF came by on Monday. She was upset because her daughter's marriage is having problems. 

The result? We had no intimacy that day. Once I said I understood her feelings, she started looking at pictures of houses. At least I got a kiss before she left. Nothing until just before she left. How ironic. 

On Wednesday, she didn't come over. She said she told me she would not be here that day. I'm pretty damn sure she said the opposite. Her daughter and her brother are coming into town and she was not sure when they will arrive. She says she will be here Fri morning.

Here's what I expect. I expect her to say she cannot make it because at least one of the relatives arrived or will arrive tonight or tomorrow morning. Once they get into town, I don't expect to see her until after the start of the new year. If I do see her, it will probably be like Monday was. 

Needless to say I am lonely and horny. If I get the chance to sleep with another woman (attractive, clean, submissive) I will definitely take it. I've had women express interest but I have declined. 

Work sucks. Politics and power games. And religion. WHY did one of them have to throw in religion? 

Been trying to pick up pace on writing again but keep getting blocked by events. Because work sucks. 

Daughter and I got the Christmas tree up this weekend. A few outside lights. I have been trying to get more done but too busy, too tired, too anxious, too depressed. I am not feeling Christmas this year. 

Got all my shopping done. Just need to wrap things and clean up now. Happy to have the shopping finished.

Top piercing seems fully healed. Lower piercing is healing well using the advised salt water treatments. I think this one may take longer because it has to form scar tissue around it because the skin there is fair thin and the area is mobile. I've tugged it more than a few times changing positions in a chair or driving. Nothing extreme but sure aware it's there at the time!

Time for some sleep. 

Here we go again

Well, since getting back with my gf, we have been intimate twice.. I think. Maybe it was only once.

Other than that, she has been sick or busy. She was going to come over this morning but had to change appointments, so it will be tomorrow instead. 

About the only subject we've talked about is her illness. Not that I don't care but at some point it gets old. 

I went last week and got the second piercing. This one is a little bit more uncomfortable because it's in a location that is prone to more friction and tension from sitting positions. It got inflamed and itching for a while. I was afraid that maybe it had become infected but there was no sign of drainage. Instead, I think it was a matter of using a cleaning solution that irritated it plus tension from sitting incorrectly. It is taking a slight adjustment. In the long run, I think I will have to use a larger gauge of jewelry than I have there at the moment. That's okay, means it will have more of an effect sensually. 

The piercings do seem to have the effect of increasing blood flow to the area. That's not a bad thing. 

My writing has slowed down a lot recently. Mostly because of continuous interruptions. Can't seem to do anything, any time, anywhere that I am not interrupted. That is all aside from the emotional disruptions I went through and the people that react emotionally without thinking critically. It becomes frustrating, angering and depressing. 

One more try

So, gf came over on Fri and convinced me that she cares about me and is sorry for how she has treated me. I agreed to give it one more try. I made it absolutely clear this is the final attempt. If it goes back to the same cycle, it's done.

I am not going to say that I am all in emotionally at this point. I have become cautious and seriously rather expecting things to change for a short while and then go right back where they were. I will be happy if things actually change for the better for good. That said, I do love her or I would not be giving this another shot. 

I am not going to be an asshole or try and sabotage anything. I am still who I am. However, this time around I am likely to be more demanding, more controlling. I honestly think she has the emotional need for that from a male partner. It's actually not uncommon and it is something I have probably just not done right in my own life, so that is my own flaw. I'm not exactly submissive but not as aggressive as maybe I should be. 

In a way, I think it sucks that this is something people focus on so much and define masculinity in that way. I am more of a cerebral person than anything else. I hate power games in general. Guess I just have to accept it and incorporate it into my behavior. Blech. 

Any way, she has promised to not cancel coming over at the last minute. To be more understanding of my schedule. The thing of swinging my sleep schedule all around the clock was genuinely making me extremely ill. I can do that in the short term but when it keeps up for months it's too much and would be for anyone. That's bad in your 20's but by late 50's it is much worse, even in top condition. 

She also promised more affection and intimacy. Those are things I actually need. She does not have the time, energy or health to be cooking and cleaning for me. Even if she did, I do those things for myself and that's not what I need from a relationship. Shared, yes but I don't need a mother figure or a maid. The idea of a woman being a servant/slave/object is only attractive to me in the short term and only when incorporated into a much larger context. It is not necessary to my self-esteem. 

So, going to see how this goes. Hopefully well and in the direction it was supposed to go in the first place. 

Piercings and more piercings

So, the other day daughter wanted to get both ears pierced with a second lobe piercing plus a top cartilage ear piercing on one side. I have wanted to get my ear re-pierced. So we went to Claire's and both of us got pierced. I paid for all of them. 

She was really happy with hers! 

Today, I went and got one of the body piercings I was considering. Just went with one so far. The piercing artist had never done the other kind but read up on it and is experienced with other piercings. He was quick and caused virtually no pain at all. Quite a feat, considering it had to be one of the largest gauges for an initial piercing. 14 gauge. Basically a sharpened metal pipe thrust through part of your body. Any way, he was so good I think I will go back in a week or two to get the other piercing. He needs someone to practice on for future customers, right? I like the way this one looks. 

My gf is accepting my decision fairly gracefully. I told her I will remain friends with her and I mean it. She is still invited to TG dinner with daughter and myself. I think I fully explained it in a manner that was not TOO accusatory. Told her how I feel and why. It is consistent with previous discussions we have had and that was one of the biggest reasons for the decision, that we have talked about it multiple times. She can tell this time is different. I did not throw it at her that we have had several discussions and it keeps coming back to the same thing. She knows, I did not have to say it. I'm not trying to be mean. She has made some hints at trying to change my mind but not much because my tone of address by text is clear. 

I do love her but I have to love me as well. 

Right now I need some sleep. 

The end

Well, today was the end. I reached my emotional limit and broke it off with my gf.

She had said she was going to come over this morning. Then texted me around 8:30 or later, telling me she overslept. Then she had to take her meds, feed all her animals, etc. If I saw her, it would be around 11. Maybe. 

I know, it sounds like I am being less than understanding. I'm tired of being understanding. I'm tired of my understanding meaning I am always alone, yet still in an exclusive relationship. I'm tired of always listening, never listened to. I'm tired of forced celibacy. I'm tired of being a nurse, caregiver, therapist and nothing else over 99% of the time. I'm tired of having expectations and plans only to have them canceled at the last minute. I'm tired of hiding the relationship, being in the shadows, hiding myself inside myself.

I told her I cannot do this any more. That she cancels more often than she shows up. That I have seen her only 3 times in the last month. 3 times last month. 3 times the month before that. That we have had sex once a month or less for over a year. I told her I will remain her friend, that I still love her but I can no longer say I love us. 

Honestly, I would not have held on this long if not for my own fear of abandonment. Yet I am being systematically abandoned over time, any way. Hell, I would not have stayed in my past relationships as long as I did if not for the same reason. The difference is that I have learned from past mistakes and do not want to repeat them. 

I really don't expect to meet anyone that I truly get along with as well as we did in the beginning. Not here in Montgomery. So I am sentencing myself to years, maybe the rest of my life alone. Still, it's better than being forced to be alone and continuously feel unimportant to the person who claims I am important to them. 

Even if I meet anyone soon I won't be having sex for at least a week or two. I am going to get a new genital piercing today. Well, assuming I can get one done today, of course. I may go with two. 

No changes

I was correct in my last post. Another crisis. GF hurt her back. As a result, I have not seen her at all for 2 weeks. That means I have seen her only 2 times in a month. Well, 3 times but once was for less than 5 minutes to give her some documents I had printed out for her. Some issue with her printer.

So, at this point I am actively seeking another lover. It's not right for me to be alone this much and yet be considered in a relationship. Nor is it right that we have had sex an average of once a month for over a year now. 

This has caused me no small amount of emotional turmoil. That would be true even if I did not have fear of abandonment. 

I don't feel any guilt for looking for something else. I don't see why I should. This is not what I signed up for. 

It would take some radical changes for me to change my mind. Not counting on those changes occurring. 

I do question whether I have once again been literally too nice. Maybe she would show more dedication to me if I were less attentive, rougher physically and emotionally, more demanding. I can always give that a try and see what the response is. Maybe her history in abusive relationships is not all about the partners she has been with. Maybe she actively seeks it out. I have been with women before who thought they wanted someone nicer but were not happy in such circumstances. Maybe I need to find a dividing line. 

Or maybe I need to give up. 

Until things change, I will keep trying to find at least one other lover. Maybe more. 

If this relationship ends, I'm not looking for another singular relationship unless it involves extreme intensity sensually and emotionally. Maybe a live in 24/7 submissive. The 24/7 thing is something I have debated in recent months, after talking with a women who was seeking that. That's something I have typically steered away from. I like women who think for themselves. Maybe if they work and are independent in that respect, it would work out better with someone who was happier as a complete submissive in a relationship. That seems to be the norm. Once again, I am the odd one out. 

Not much different

Since last writing, did not see gf again until today. 

I understand to a good degree in this case. One of her dogs she's had for many years got sick, went to pet ICU and died. The circumstances are highly questionable, along with the care he had gotten before then, which should have shown the problem which led to his death. So she has been very upset and broken up about it. 

Still, I have to say it is another in a non-ending series of events. I expect another disaster this week or early next week. There will never be a time that anything is about me. 

Oh, well. I've written about all that.

Have not gotten the new channel off the ground yet. I set a name for it but haven't had time to record a video to kick it off. Not a problem because the video where I announced it got zero views. Seriously, zero views. So, I'm going to try and record a video this morning. 

I also need to get to the gym to work out. Been having neck and back pain for over a week. Not like that matters to anyone on the planet but me. 

Spinning my wheels

Had a good morning with my gf on Fri morning. Though that was the only time I saw her all week after Sun.

Then, true to established pattern and what I expected, something happened over the weekend. One of her dogs got seriously ill. So, I won't see her on Mon. 

While I have no reason to doubt what she says is happening, I have to say it gets old. Every single week there is something. She gets sick, a friend out of town gets sick, her pets get sick. Meetings, appointments on days we usually see each other, vehicle problems. 

I had to be honest with myself a few days ago. As much as my writing my mention sex, what I want most is affection. From listening to physical contact. It's just easier emotionally to focus on sex. It's more depressing to focus on deeper things. Physical affection may lead to intimacy but even without the intimacy I am happy. I'm not happy with going abruptly from talking about dogs and spiders to the bedroom. It lacks something important to me emotionally. 

I have used sex as a substitute many, many times in my life. Like basically all ten years with the ex. Can't blame anyone else for it, I accepted it, so it's my own fault. 

Guess I am doomed to maintain that pattern. 

Bad enough that I am feeling desperately isolated on my social and political views. People turn their views into a religion. 

The YouTube channel reboot is not going as well as hoped. Basically because I refuse to pander to the religious cults. Think I am going to start another YT channel, which will be a video diary on the more human side of me. 

Down again

So, the date was okay but in all, no chemistry. Not sure if that would change if we tried again but I don't have the time in my schedule. She was tired and I didn't feel well, though didn't say so. Wound up with diarrhea that night and the next morning. Explained why I felt shaky even before eating. Thought maybe my blood sugar was low until I drank a soda but that and food didn't change it. Not sure what that was. 

Honestly, we're too different. 

Yet I am down. Not from that but it didn't help. I'm just tired of not really having anyone to rely on but myself. No affection. I tend to focus more on sex when everything else is lacking and I know it. I think that's not too uncommon. 

GF came by yesterday to drop off things she took out of storage because of conflict with her husband, so they're not paying for the storage. I offered to let her keep her stuff here. I have room, it's no problem. However, almost the first thing she did when she got here was ask me to take her blood pressure. It was fine. That would not have bothered me except I already feel like a nurse/caregiver more than a partner and lover. 

Nobody I can talk to about my feelings. I go to work and listen to the charge nurse talk. I get ignored. Can't talk to my daughter about it. Can't find any friends I have anything in common with. It's Alabama. 

Oh, well. Been getting my energy back. I was emptying out boxes, hanging pictures and such before gf came by. Now the room where the boxes were is more cluttered than before. I'll have to keep working on it. 

Got the new microphone arm and video camera. The arm is great. The camera has such a data rate that I need a higher end video card for it to use it as a web cam. I may try using it by itself, upload the video and edit from there. Not sure how good the sound is because playing back on camera it sounded very muted but that may be because the speaker sucks. Have to record and download to computer to get an accurate idea. If the sound really does suck I may have to record audio on computer and edit that in. Or return the camera for another one. 

And here come the holidays. yay.

Interesting trend

My gf came over this morning. It was a good morning, though at one point we had been kissing when she started talking about her dogs. I just backed away and let her talk. After some minutes she realized I was not going to make any forward moves, so she did. 

So, the interesting trend. The woman I have a date with on Fri night has a heart cath today. Seems each woman I start seeing has to have a heart cath right around the time I start seeing them. Some strange karma, with all the years I spent in cardiac nursing? 

Any way, that means Fri will definitely be a platonic situation. I'm fine with that. Little bit of a bummer, to have the option removed rather than by choice. Not like I'm going to cancel, though possible she may because she may still have pain at that time. 

Over the next few days I'm going to get the YouTube channel up and running again. I need to adjust lighting, create a new digital backdrop to use with the green screen, make an intro thumbnail. Need to make a test video to check how all of it comes together. 

I also need to clean house, cut grass in the back yard and start decorating for Halloween. 

Making changes

So, the narcissist at work is gone. Two days after starting on anxiety medication, he and I had a confrontation which he started and resulted in his forced departure. During all of this, he truly displayed exactly how unstable and far over the edge he really is. It's really funny, all I had to do was point one finger at him from a distance and say, "You don't tell me what to do. You're not my supervisor." (He was not my supervisor.) I barely raised my voice at all. Numerous witnesses. Later, he claimed that I made him fear for his life. 

Damn, I need to use that finger more often!

The environment at work has slowly calmed down again. Took a few days for people to work through the tension. 

I am moving ahead with getting my YouTube channel back online. I got a new microphone, which looks better and more professional, whether it sounds better or not. I think it's about the same because the old one was good, just looked less impressive. I also bough a studio lighting set which came with 3 backdrops- white, black and green screen. Been playing around a little to learn how to use the green screen to insert the backgrounds I like. Going to design a few just for the purpose. It can come in handy for Christmas pictures, also.

I am working on getting some advertisers on the channel and website. Not really sponsors but affiliate programs. They will all fit in with the content that I produce. 

This Friday, I am off work, daughter staying at her mother's because she has a craft show she is selling her handmade plastic flowers at. They're very impressive and i think she will be able to sell some of them. 

So, that night I have a date. Not with my gf. With the woman I mentioned previously. She sounds interesting and she has been progressing in her sensual suggestions. Even said she is leaving work early that day and she will come down here to Montgomery. Obviously, there are no guarantees but if it works out right she may be staying the night. Imagine that. Actually being able to spend the night with someone. When we talk, I can get a word in here and there too. I have made it clear I am not seeking anything serious and she's okay with that. If it results in nothing but a friend I can literally talk with in two way conversation, I'm fine with that.

For so long, in spite of anything I have written, I have felt guilty for even thinking about such things. That's why I have not acted on any of it. Not feeling much guilt any more. I'm tired of being less important than dogs and spiders. 

Anxiety medication

Yesterday I went to a new doctor and, for the first time in my life, requested medication specifically for anxiety. He started me on Buspar. Only had one dose so far, so it remains to be seen how well it will work for me.

My anxiety had gotten bad enough that my writing slowed to a trickle. I am just having a really hard time fighting back against the people who are blind and apathetic to the murderous policies of the US against other countries, placing us at risk of war with other nuclear powers. Long as those voters think they may get universal healthcare, they are fine with the decimation of countries, slaughter of children and risk of war which would annihilate everything on the planet. 

To add to it, there is a nurse on the night shift who is a textbook narcissist and the most obnoxious, incompetent person I have ever met in my life. For the first time ever, I called in sick to work on Fri night to avoid working with one person. They had me scheduled to work with him in the ER. I could not do it. I have been keeping my distance from him, knowing that eventually a confrontation is coming. He has already had confrontations with others but I won't back down like they do. I'll have to be smart about it, control myself enough to force him to confront me with witnesses present. However, he has already gained a reputation. I will not instigate anything, just bide my time. He actually said he thinks I am intimidated by him. Meanwhile any confrontation with other people he has made certain happens out of my earshot. So there's no question who is intimidated. 

I'm still going weeks at a time celibate, barely heard, more of a caregiver than partner and lover. Since I said I am having a massive problem with anxiety, I have seen her less in the last 2-3 weeks than I had for months. Leaves me feeling alone. Truly alone. 

The other day, I started talking to another woman online. She is beautiful, sexy, intelligent.. and submissive. Down sides- My own emotional conflict, of course. She lives out of town but travels here on occasion. She appears at some level to be either vain or insecure. She's nice, so I am guessing the latter but could be wrong. And she is a capitalist. Not sure that one can be overcome but maybe I can radicalize her. If nothing else, at least it seems like I have made another friend. I have not delved into deep subjects much with her yet. I am going to keep talking with her and see what the future brings.

Return of bed bugs

I've been invaded by bed bugs again. As a result, daughter wants to spend less time over here and did not want to come over this weekend. I understand that. Makes me sad, of course. It may be best this weekend. She starts school this coming Tue. 

I got quotes from exterminator services. The lowest quote for bed bug elimination was $750, a price I cannot afford for an exterminator. One night this week I set off 8 bug bombs through the house. That seems to have done to trick but I am going to repeat that process on Mon night. I don't want to do it when gf may be here the following morning. The ones I found don't cause a lot of respiratory problems and she didn't notice it in spite of her respiratory condition. 

Modern treatment for bed bugs include heat treatment. I tried using multiple space heaters. They reached a good temperature which should have worked but still maybe not enough. So I ordered a special heater which allegedly reaches temperatures up to 210 degrees. It's actually designed for greenhouses. Tried finding one to rent but could not find it. I'll use that one room at a time, seal off the room and place towels under the door to prevent migration while the room is heating up. 

I know my daughter is irate that I won't hire an exterminator, rent a hotel room for several days while they treat the house but I simply cannot afford that. 

Since she's not coming over, I'm going to work on my writing this weekend. I have ten or more articles I haven't finished. Plus I need to work on the book and the website. Plus a lot of mundane stuff to work on around the house. Last load from storage is still in the van, so have to unload that. Wash sheets and blankets. 

My finances fell behind a bit because of time I took off to spend with daughter and money I spent during that time, though it was no outrageous amount. I'll catch up this coming month through a couple of shifts of OT and that I get three checks this month. 

Depression

I am in a depression. Not a biological cycle. A depression.

Maybe it's been the same for years and across different places. However, here in AL since I got here I feel like my voice on a personal level doesn't matter to anyone. The only time anyone cares is to the extent that I am there for them. 

Not just my voice. I don't matter. 

Oh, well. I guess it doesn't matter. 

New ideas

Not sure I mentioned it in my personal blog before now but I bought two web domains and have built a website called Rally and Protest. The idea is a central website where any protest or political rally can list their events for a reasonable price. Events will be listed by city and state. The only exceptions are that it will not host anything by hate groups or anyone affiliated with hate groups. 

So far I have not gotten any listings. Can't afford advertising yet. 

At the same time, two new nurses have been hired at work and are coming to the night shift. That may well cut into my hours. 

A little apprehensive but at the same time I can take it as an opportunity. Do more work on my book, which I have not had time to finish. Plus work on the new website. 

I've had the website for a few weeks now. Been bummed it hasn't done anything but I need to put more effort into it. That comes with the contradiction of not having time to put into it. 

The concept is that there is currently no central website which lists political events regardless of party or organization. I have seen many political events I would have taken part in through the years but did not know about them until they were over. I think many people have had similar experiences. With one website, more people would become more politically involved. Right now you have to subscribe to specific candidates, parties and organizational newsletters to know if or when an event will happen. 

The website will be for a fee. That helps maintain the website, in addition to allowing me have the time to work on it, money to promote it, etc. If it becomes large enough, I will cut my hours nursing or quit nursing.

Only last night I suddenly had the realization that this is something for which I could apply for grants. That would definitely help. Some people may not like it but I intend to talk to the Soros organization and a few others. However, if any funding comes with changing the intended purpose or goals, I will refuse the funding. I also only want the funding to be short term, until it gets off the ground. 

Some organizations may not like the fact that the site is non-partisan or that I am pretty far left and a Social Democrat. No question that will reduce my options.

Applying for nonprofit status and grants is something I've never done. Need to read up on it. Mentioned it to my gf, who has done those things. She just kept talking about something else. Not even sure she heard me or if it matters. No offer of help. 

So, as usual, I am on my own. Nothing new about that. That's my whole life. 

PTSD getting worse

My PTSD is getting worse. Much worse. It strikes most often in crowded, chaotic situations. This happens frequently at work at change of shift and anytime I am not in control in those crowded conditions. 

Lately, I have been less and less equipped to handle those conditions. Luckily, it's not every day.

I think some of this is awareness. I spent years working from home. I was off from work for over a year. It resensitized me to it. 

It can even hit me walking through Walmart.

It's no surprise I should have PTSD, after all the experiences in my life. Think maybe the last time I was robbed and assaulted made it a lot worse. 

Not a matter of being aware of my mortality. I've been intensely aware of that most of my life. Tried suicide 3 times. Stabbed, shot at, robbed. Among other dangerous situations which were not related to violence or human control. 

Last night was even worse. I woke up with a nightmare for the first time in decades. Though I'm not really sure it was a nightmare. It was more realistic than past nightmares. I think it could have been an intuitive link to someone else who actually experienced it. Though usually that only happens to me with someone I know very closely. Thing is, my mind tried to translate it into personal environment. People I know were in the dream, though in different positions and did not act the same. The environment was different, yet we addressed it as my workplace by name. It felt like I was someone else. It was early morning and in the dream I saw a man assaulted badly by a group of men. Then one of them sliced his throat, very slowly. 

I witnessed this and tried to hide, so the group would not come after me for seeing it. That's when I woke up.

This is something about my dreams. I never hide in my dreams, unless tactically. 

That dream will stick with me for a while. Hope to hell it doesn't recur. 

Gradual change

Since my last post, I did not have that conversation. It's difficult because I do love her. 

Though some of that plays right back into what I was saying in that post.

She has been changing somewhat gradually. Some things (BDSM) she has been suggesting and submitting to. That's a good thing. 

Still, where communication and affection are concerned, there has been no change. She doesn't seem to notice that she interrupts or keeps right on speaking while I am silent 95% of the time. I'm still a nurse and caregiver more often than anything else. I don't mind the caring role at all, it's who I am. I just mind when it takes precedence over all else and I'm barely noticed. Affection? No, the phone gets more attention. 

I've become emotionally frozen, flat. Waiting to see what else happens from here. 

She has noticed I may not look at her while she is speaking. Rather than asking about it, she gestures with her hands in front of my face, which sets off my PTSD. I told her to stop doing it and she made excuses. Then continued doing it. I had to raise my hand to keep her hand away. 

As far as the sensual part, she has become somewhat better but that's something which both of us enjoy, so it's not really anything about me. 

I'll have to give it time. 

Lonely by nature

I have a long history of being lonely by nature. Maybe a result of the fear of abandonment or along with it. No matter what, it has led to me making decisions in my life which were better not made or not allowed to continue as long as I let them go on. I've forgiven many things in my life which I maybe should not have. 

None of that is claiming complete innocence on my part. I've done things I regret, though I can say it was never with the intent to harm or hurt. I did make things worse at times by being dishonest with the desire to not cause pain. Ironically, the dishonesty was the worst offense in most of those cases. 

Any way, I have spent years alone trying to purge myself of that lonely nature but seems like that effort failed. The one thing I have taught myself is to place more value on my own emotions. 

For an extraordinary part of my life, I have put myself aside for the sake of others. From taking over the house at 9 years old, even before that not playing with my friends because I had to watch over my younger brother. I rarely spoke out or held a grudge. Started working at 12 to help buy food and pay bills while even my brothers were playing. Dropped out of school and took care of my mother when she was sick. (Full disclosure, I hated school because of the politics, violence and being ahead of my classmates.) Then through multiple relationships where my I worked multiple jobs or a lot of overtime while my partners sat on their asses too much and spent too much money. Only to be considered "not enough" by them, accused of things I was usually innocent of (or did not warrant the level of animosity), emotionally and physically attacked. On up to nursing and being a father. Even my writing generally focuses more on others than myself. All of these are means of placing others before myself.

Then into my current relationship. I can clearly state that I still love her very much and likely always will. However, I have spent untold hours and days alone. Altered my sleep schedule, lost many, many hours of sleep. Gave up on the gym months ago. Counted on her being there and wound up by myself for various reasons. Been celibate for weeks at a time. Not gotten what I want in bed. Been affectionate while her return affection stopped many months ago. Been months since she laid her head on my shoulder after intimacy. Maybe as long as a year, maybe longer. Instead, she picks up the cell phone. I've massaged her when she hurt many times, while having that returned only once. Most of all, the frequency with which she interrupts me when speaking has increased more and more over time until it just appears what I have to say doesn't matter at all. I listen over 90% of the time and can speak only on things which don't have to do with my feelings unless they pertain to her. 

Still, I'm not holding a grudge. Not angry. Just lonely and hurt. 

When this has been a repeated pattern in my life, I cannot fault others. If I am so willing to put myself aside as much as I have, it's my own fault. If I set such a standard, then others are just following those standards. Only I can change it.

So I must. Been wanting to have this discussion with my gf for a week or more. To tell her I am going to start seeing other women. Not a rejection of her. Just that I need to think about myself, since it seems nobody else is going to think of me. We had this discussion a few months ago and obviously it wasn't taken seriously. It changed for maybe two weeks and then went back to the same thing and advanced from there until I have felt like my entire being has shrunken to near non-existence. I'm just "someone there". I could be a mannequin. 

I'll give her the option whether she wants to still see me romantically or not. I still will be her friend no matter the decision, if she wants to remain friends. I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me. The one thing I will not do is change my mind at this point. 

Whether I see other women or not doesn't matter. I may spend more time alone for my writing, the gym, putting the house in order, woodworking, whatever. I just need to think about myself more with the intention of doing so. Not as a secondary decision when I wind up alone unexpectedly. No matter what, the potential is there for something better. Or maybe she will take what I have to say more seriously and things can change in the future. Once I become convinced. Not until. 

So, that discussion needs to happen later this morning. I've wanted to voice these things for a while but not in a rush, not while I was so tired I could barely think straight. I do not want to be mean or make it seem like a string of accusations. It's not meant that way. I believe she loves me but maybe not in the way she thinks she does. 

I hate the idea of hurting her but it's obvious this will not change. 

Even good stress is stress

Getting ready to move this week. Have to get some packing done today. Unfortunately my stomach is giving me hell. Have to push past it.

At work, I will be the charge nurse tonight. Nothing special about that. Each nurse on my shift has been the charge at some point. I'd rather be doing one of the camps because it means more movement. Oh, well.

I have all the services scheduled to be started at the new address. Internet, electricity, water, gas, mail. 

Truck reserved for Thur, same day I sign the lease and get the keys. 

Ordered a new sofa I wanted to be delivered. Most I've ever spent on a sofa but faux leather and two built in recliners. I was debating getting a matching loveseat, also with two recliners but decided to wait on spending the money. Plus I want to assess how well constructed the sofa is first. In any case, that gives me more furniture so the second living area won't be bare. 

I think I will refinish the top on my desk or make a whole new top after I get the wood shop set up. 

Hoping I can get the truck loaded with major items on Thur. Maybe even get them moved the same day. If not, early Fri morning. Truck is scheduled to be returned by 10 AM Fri. 

I need to get a battery for the van. Once the major items are all moved, I can get any remaining items with the van. Have to move the van, any way. Best bet for that will be taking an Uber from the house and driving the van. 

Oops! Have to restart insurance on the van for this month to do that. Not taking chances if I don't have to. 

Looks like I may have faster internet at the new place. For an extra $5 a month but up to 4x faster. 

Daughter seems to be looking forward to the move. Or at least not voicing any negative feelings. 

GF came over on Fri. Some things have been slightly better than a while. Though she is still interrupting, paying more attention to her phone than me when nothing intimate is happening. I know she likes to share her interests with me and talk about her life. Though I'm part of her life and still seem to have a low level of concern. 

Been talking with another woman. She is also intelligent, attractive and submissive. There is an attraction there. Nothing has occurred but talking. Think we make good friends, no matter what. Neither of us are the cheating type, so nothing physical is likely. 

So, all the above is positive yet stressful. I'm looking forward to the move and any other changes happening. However they play out I'll make the best of them. 

Not sure

I'm not all that sure what my body or emotions are doing right now.

Really irritable. Physical sensations are heightened to the tolerance of what I can bear. Just the sounds in a mostly quiet room put my nerves on edge. Things I should be able to ignore but can't. 

I have a feeling I may be swinging into a manic state but could just as well be sinking into a deeper depressive state, which has never gone away since I last wrote about it. 

I know I feel lonely. Yet annoyed by people at work. Then again, they all seem to be attention seeking in a passive-aggressive way. Walking around being overly inquisitive about the actions of others. As usual, few can hold a lucid conversation about anything more complex than food. 

I still think my gf is reading this blog at times. She started wanting to see me in the morning some days. Though that is still unreliable. Times change, days change. Her cell phone still has more attention than I do. I'm still rarely anything but a nurse and caregiver. 

She had a spinal block yesterday. Supposed to help her pain but she has complained of more pain since it was done. Not sure when I will see her. 

I have also had poor mental focus for a few days. Guess that's been true for a few weeks but now it's worse. Not going to finish the book any time soon. Slowed down on my regular writing.

With the heightened physical sensations, sex would be great right now. Oh, well. 

If I am heading into a manic state, it comes with good timing. Going to move next week. Got the house I wanted to rent. Much larger than the apartment and has a workshop and storage shed plus a covered deck. All appliances including washer and dryer. 

Being manic will also help with my writing, once it stabilizes. 

Still down

Still in down mode. Been over a month now. 

Not much has changed. One thing has improved. My readership has increased to over 3700 views a month on my writing.

Haven't gotten far on the book. Struggling with motivation. Kind of have been for weeks. Not like anyone cares. 

Getting ready to move in a few weeks. Not keeping this crappy apartment. Looked at a house I hope to rent but applied too soon. If approved, I'd have to pay rent on the house and apartment for all of April and part of March. That would be a waste of money. Just hope it's available in a couple more weeks. Been on the market for a while. Maybe I'll be lucky and rent will decrease by then. It has some flaws which I would not mind fixing but most renters would be driven off by. They're minor and take more labor than money to fix. Some insulation, some hot glue and some wiring. 

Been in forced celibacy since before my last post, so that has also been over a month. I understand about her pain but this began before she hurt her shoulder. For a long time it was every two weeks. Then it became every 2-3 weeks. Then 3-4 weeks. Now every 4-? weeks. 

I can't keep doing it. She doesn't seem to be aware I have been in a depressive cycle for this long. If she does, she hasn't said a word. I feel unwanted, not cared about, unattractive and just barely there. There for what? I'm not really sure any more. 

To be clear, I still love her. I just feel like I am in a place I am no stranger to. Where I love her and she loves her. I feel like a nurse and caretaker, not a boyfriend and lover. It feels lonely and dark. 

Down mode with assistance

Been in a down cycle for a couple of weeks. Haven't gotten that much writing done on the book. Been busy at work. Have two chapters written, though intend to add to each. 

Making it all better was getting screwed on my taxes. Paid a fine for not having health insurance. Something which was not supposed to be happening any more but conveniently goes into effect in 2020. Just in time for the next presidential race. Funny how that works.

Also not helping is forced celibacy. Even that would not be so bad but she doesn't notice I barely talk about myself on personal matters any more. Tried talking last Sunday about how I feel about writing the book, which is personal. She interrupted me to tell me her cousin has an art show. While it is a big art show in Venice, Italy, it also showed she was surfing her phone and what I had to say didn't matter. She never noticed the look in my eyes or that I simply did not bring the subject up again. Was talking about daughter one day on the phone. She interrupted to say she was walking in some place to shop. The conversation about daughter ended there and did not resume. 

The book is the most major thing I have going on. Though I have increased visibility on Medium to roughly 1600 views a month. (Per day would be much better but that's a big increase.) Yet it feels like if I am in pain, I just have to deal with it. If I am down, she's more down. If I am horny or lacking affection, too bad. 

I need more than this. Or less. 

Started my book

I started working on my book this week. Haven't gotten far, been a busy week at work. Trying to maintain my regular writing schedule in addition to writing the book. Haven't even been able to do my regular writing this week, so just finished my second article this week as of tonight. 

I think if I write a page or 2 a day, I can finish the book in as little as 2 months. Shooting for maybe 150 pages. The exact organization and format are still developing as I write but mainly focusing on rather abstract concepts that have a broad application. Then using concrete examples. 

Small example, one of the first chapters will be about indoctrination. Such as how military contractors donate money (obtained through taxpayer funded contracts) to politicians and advertise on corporate media. The media reports stories to make people afraid, feeling unsafe. People feeling afraid want to be protected, so they vote for the candidate that promises to spend more on "defense" than their opponent or predecessor. They do this by awarding contracts to military contractors and the cycle continues. 

Also, been in a down cycle. Not depressed but not happy. Hits my motivation pretty hard. That was also made better by daughter saying she did not want to come over this weekend. (We had talked about why and I understand.) Plus gf had her eye surgery this week and hasn't been able to drive. 

Oh, well. We went back into the cycle that everything is about her. She hasn't even noticed that I've basically stopped talking about myself. I just listen. Sex? Twice a month at most. for the next couple of weeks even if that happens, it has to be low intensity. 

That's okay. My libido is low. Can't really decide if my emotions are causing that or the other way around. In any case, I have found my libido is more tied to my sense of well being than I thought. The higher my libido goes, the healthier I feel in general, physically and emotionally. Doesn't matter at all if I act on it.

So, tried an experiment tonight. Tried some Muira Puama bark powder. It increased my libido, so I felt better. Still tired but swinging my schedule around after working last night. And it got cold again. But it worked well enough that I ordered a pound of it from Amazon. Maybe it will help improve my mood. I have a feeling this down cycle may last a while.

No point talking about it, though.

More changes, all good

Last Friday, gf and I had our very first night where she did not have to leave. Her husband had a sleep study. It was wonderful. We got to be intimate, talk, have dinner and stay up really late together. Unfortunately we had to sleep at some point. Though I slept more than she did.

I wish we had many more such nights together. We are supposed to have another such night in the future because he has a follow up sleep study. He has sleep apnea. 

Since being named a top contributor on economics on Medium, it has had two effects. One is that it has seriously increased my readership. Like at least quadruple. The other is that it has motivated me more. 

Still, that doesn't make money. So I began migrating articles over to Patreon this week. Hoping to gain subscribers. To do that more effectively means I will have to write some exclusive content for Patreon and nowhere else. That's okay. 

I am also compiling a list of Progressive media sites to investigate and see if I can submit articles for payment. Getting published on more sites like that can make a big difference. 

My work schedule has slowed down slightly, which helps on that. Not so much on my finances but I'm stable enough for the moment and I have enough work to make a living. 

More Improvement

Something that has been making me happy lately is that my daughter has been paying more attention to me. Usually playfully, she grabs my hand as I walk past and doesn't let go. Though I have noticed she also hugs me closer than she used to. Plays with my hair and compliments me. 

Not completely sure what it's all about but we've had various conversations. One where she said her mother said she'll throw her out when she's 18. She said she knows her mother is joking but her eyes said otherwise. I told her that she will always have a place with me. That I understand the economics of today and it's frightening. I did not point out that her mother has never once had to rely only on herself. I've made clear I am always proud of her. Then there is the fact that she has her first bf and I have a gf whom I love. So some changes are happening and she's growing up. She has expressed the fact many times that she is in no hurry to grow up. Even though she is more mature than most kids her age. 

Got more good news about my writing today. I usually make only a few $ for my writing each month, if anything at all. For December, I got nearly 5 times the amount I usually get. It's still not much. Less than a tank of gas. The good part is the indication, that my writing is being seen. I gain a few more subscribers each week. No big numbers just yet. I often pick up followers because of comments on various stories. 

I really need to work on my website and start submitting stories for consideration to Progressive outlets. My only NY resolution is to reach the point where I am making a living from writing before the end of this year. May sound a bit ambitious but putting a time frame on it gets me working harder in that direction.

My gf's husband is continuing his head games. Made a pass at her today after them not having sex (thanks to him) for 4 years now. Also after picking multiple fights since he came back on Sunday, including insulting her sexually. He has insulted her mental stability numerous times, while she is stable and he is not. Any number of insults he has inflicted on her could easily be grounds for divorce but this last one was the last straw for her. No way she would ever sleep with him again after that and I don't blame her. Up to now I knew that was always a possibility and I just had to deal with it. Now she says she has no more guilt about sleeping with me. 

I hope so. At the same time, I know she is now in a painful emotional state. Not really sure where this will go. It's possible she could want time to herself. That would not even make me angry. None of this really has. I knew what I was walking into, somewhat. Though I have not waited a year to wait longer all by myself. If she decides she wants freedom, that's fine but it means I have the same freedom. I'm hoping it doesn't go that direction. 

Of course, it may craw her closer to me. That's what I hope for. 

More questions

Yesterday I took daughter to meet her bf for lunch. Then went to the mall across the street. 

The boy's father and I sat and talked while they had their date. His father is nice. I think he fears me a little because I'm a Progressive. Though the more we talk, he slowly agrees with me more and more. So what I'm seeing in microcosm is how so many people here actually have Progressive viewpoints but are bound by identity politics. They define themselves as Conservatives and as such often wait for their views to be detailed for them. Problem is, neither Democrats or Republicans are offering details on much. He has worked for a company for many years that has union and labor power, promotes from within, so employees are treated well. So that alone makes his view rather Progressive in a Conservative state. If daughter keeps dating this boy, the father and I may become friends.

Problem is, when we left the mall, daughter was rather quiet and withdrawn. I'm not sure what that was about because she would not say. I have a feeling something was said that affected her. She also texted with him a lot less over the evening than she has been doing. I told her she can talk to me but did not force anything.

My gf came over last night. I had doubted she was going to. She said she would around 6 but came a lot later. 

The conflict continues between her and her husband. I'm not sure where that is going to go and how it will affect us or her feelings about me. She now started questioning me even to the point where I texted on NYE at 11:38, "Only 22 minutes. It's a short drive to my place." I thought the meaning was obvious. Yet she asked if that text was meant for her. I'm here with my daughter who has met her and I would be texting that to someone else? 

I try and be a stable influence for the people in my life. It causes problems for me emotionally when I am accused in some way of being anything else. Even if I think of seeking another lover, it's not likely to happen and I know it. My emotions and sex drive are too entwined. I'd be more likely to be celibate for a while if not in one relationship. Most likely. No matter what, if I'm not attracted to a person on other levels, I'm not attracted physically and I have not spent any time with anyone else. 

She has mentioned her husband insulting her sexually several times. So, I expect this will affect us in some way. Either she will doubt me and we have sex even less or she will want to have sex more as confirmation. I'm fine with the latter. Not so fine with the former. I would hope it would lead to her being less inhibited with me. Somehow, I doubt that's how it will go. 

Happy 2019!!

So begins a new year.

As far as my one resolution, I got one hell of a boost last night. Right after midnight I opened my email and found I was named one of the top writers in Economics for Medium! That's no small feat, seeing that they publish articles from Fortune and Washington Post. That should lend more credibility to my writing and bring more subscribers. Hopefully a bit more money, too. 

So my writing is off to a good start for the year.

Daughter has her bf. Yet seems more clingy to me lately. Holding my hand playfully and not letting go. I think she sees changes between her having a bf and she has seen my gf more now. I like it. She has even been more huggy. Something I have missed for a while.

I already said I moved my primary work site and they are happy with me, so employment is going well. 

For my gf, her husband came back from out of town and immediately started a conflict. Most was the same as it has been but he also insulted her sexually, which he had not done directly before. This coming from a guy who can't get it up. She told him she wants a divorce. Since then, he has tried on and off to play nice and made a lame attempt to ask her to bed once. She declined.

What does that mean between she and I? Not sure yet. I expect it means it will be more about her than it has been. Nothing about me. That's predictable. Sex? Our relationship? Who knows? She said the other day that she is unhappy begging me for attention. Really? After all the times I have sat alone, dealt with canceled plans and unfulfilled promises? Our ceremony was supposed to happen a year ago now. Never has. 

All I can do is what I always do. Deal with it as it comes.