Not much different

Since last writing, did not see gf again until today. 

I understand to a good degree in this case. One of her dogs she's had for many years got sick, went to pet ICU and died. The circumstances are highly questionable, along with the care he had gotten before then, which should have shown the problem which led to his death. So she has been very upset and broken up about it. 

Still, I have to say it is another in a non-ending series of events. I expect another disaster this week or early next week. There will never be a time that anything is about me. 

Oh, well. I've written about all that.

Have not gotten the new channel off the ground yet. I set a name for it but haven't had time to record a video to kick it off. Not a problem because the video where I announced it got zero views. Seriously, zero views. So, I'm going to try and record a video this morning. 

I also need to get to the gym to work out. Been having neck and back pain for over a week. Not like that matters to anyone on the planet but me. 

Spinning my wheels

Had a good morning with my gf on Fri morning. Though that was the only time I saw her all week after Sun.

Then, true to established pattern and what I expected, something happened over the weekend. One of her dogs got seriously ill. So, I won't see her on Mon. 

While I have no reason to doubt what she says is happening, I have to say it gets old. Every single week there is something. She gets sick, a friend out of town gets sick, her pets get sick. Meetings, appointments on days we usually see each other, vehicle problems. 

I had to be honest with myself a few days ago. As much as my writing my mention sex, what I want most is affection. From listening to physical contact. It's just easier emotionally to focus on sex. It's more depressing to focus on deeper things. Physical affection may lead to intimacy but even without the intimacy I am happy. I'm not happy with going abruptly from talking about dogs and spiders to the bedroom. It lacks something important to me emotionally. 

I have used sex as a substitute many, many times in my life. Like basically all ten years with the ex. Can't blame anyone else for it, I accepted it, so it's my own fault. 

Guess I am doomed to maintain that pattern. 

Bad enough that I am feeling desperately isolated on my social and political views. People turn their views into a religion. 

The YouTube channel reboot is not going as well as hoped. Basically because I refuse to pander to the religious cults. Think I am going to start another YT channel, which will be a video diary on the more human side of me.