Still down but different

I'm still down but this is different.

Not a question I usually speak in ways that make me seem arrogant. Really, it's my tendency to focus on positives. Things go poorly in some ways, I focus on where they are going well so I don't get depressed or anxious over real issues. With UC, that does not come out well. Last year I was making good money at my job but was not doing well physically because of depression over being distant from my daughter. Just by example.

Got a letter of rejection from the job I interviewed for last week. Not complete rejection. They chose someone else and said they will keep my application. 

I applied for a couple more jobs yesterday. Have to follow up on one application today. 

I suspect I am having some difficulty because of scheduling issues. Though no question there is some racism and possibly sexism involved. I get the feeling nurses in AL are still seen in a subservient role, not professional. I am a white male nurse with 23 years of varied experience including no shortage of critical care. And a veteran. Not so subservient. Much easier to keep a back female in a subservient role. Nurses here are expected to simply follow orders. 

Now at the point where I am getting a little nervous financially. 

Reached the point at the gym where I have to use lower weight levels for a while. Over weeks of gains, I finally hit the point of muscle breakdown on all major muscle groups. Cannot lift the same maximum weight I could last week. That's not bad. It's to be expected. I even pushed to get to this point. Just crap timing emotionally. You do get fixated on numbers and I was making huge gains on how much I could lift in rapid succession, almost daily. Though I know that this is the point where I will gain the most muscle mass and extend my endurance. Muscle breakdown in weight lifting is not what it sounds like. You have to break muscle down to build new muscle. I expect this to last maybe a week or two, then I'll be able to make gains again but more slowly. Focus now needs to be lower weights, more repetitions. Once this period is over, I will make gains in maybe 10 lb increments instead of 30-40 lb increments (which was mostly regaining abilities I had before). Then at some less predictable time I'll go through this again and make even slower gains. 

I'm not going to become some muscle head. Just focusing on that because it's a positive. But at a frustrating point. I just want to get in good condition because of my age. If I don't do it now, it will never happen and I'll be in worse shape as I get older. I've gone through muscle loss because of my UC before, so it helps if I gain mass and endurance while I can. 

Happy my UC seems to be well under control for the moment. 

My YouTube channel has been well met by a very limited number of people. So has my writing on Steemit. But it does not look like it will ever make money. I've slowed down on both right now. Not emotionally up to it for the moment. I am going to get some things out which I already wrote or planned. 

My gf came over last night and we spent a few hours eating and watching shows. I always enjoy her presence. I love her very much. Want to do everything with her. But I am not even going to discuss spending longer periods at a time together any more. Or BDSM. Or our ceremony. Seems like she is happy with an occasional vanilla quickie, eating together and watching TV. And me waiting for her to get here, if or when she gets here. She skipped her yoga class to spend time with me last night but best she did. Her shoulders were in pain. Which is strange because she had not been doing anything which should have caused that. Nothing I know of, any way. 

So yes, I am fighting depression. For real reasons, not body chemistry. I've been through far worse. Just trying to avoid winding up back in that worse. 

Holding pattern

No call about the job yesterday. Have to get more applications out today. Biggest problem is that many of the full time jobs here require every weekend or every other weekend. Or it is all evenings. Funny, most of my life I wanted all evenings or nights and did not care about weekends. So I am looking mostly for PRN work. Not a lot of that available here. They want total control. Guess that's part of what it means to live in a red state.

My gf came over a little after 4 yesterday. The talk had been of spending all day together. Along with other plans. She had to leave around 8. Her explanation was plausible. Not going to say anything against that. She has other things going on today and tomorrow but plans to come by for shorter times. Maybe a longer period on Thur or Fri. 

I realize much of my writing on this has turned largely negative. I still love her and that's why it matters. If not, I would have ended it or changed the arrangement already. I have no desire to hurt her. Once you change something like that, it's difficult or impossible to regain what was lost. Because then trust is damaged. Unfortunately, some of my own trust is in question now. It can be regained but at this point I'm not even counting on it. That's the saddest part.

I'm no longer anxious or hurt. I can only allow myself to be in that state for a limited period of time. 

I still love spending time with her in all ways. Including talking online. But all of that has decreased. I love making love to her but certain things we talked about show no signs of happening. So where I could make love 3 times or more, now it's only once. I please her but for me it's once. The anticipation and excitement are less. Many things I have come to accept as just fantasies in my own head. We talk about things but it's only talk. Fantasy. Illusion. 

So, I am in a holding pattern on all things for the moment. Suspended animation. Cannot go forward, cannot go back. And I have nothing to say about it without making changes I am apprehensive to make. 

Awake again

It's after 3 AM and I am awake. I got tired, laid down. Not sure if I fell asleep and woke up or just never fell asleep.

Sore muscles and had to use the bathroom. Vagal reaction. After using the bathroom, took some Tylenol and some Epsom salt. See if that helps.

That does not explain Fri night or being completely awake and lucid for 41 hours. Even if awake for long hours, I'm usually really tired after maybe 30 hours. This has gotten strange. Can my bipolar issue be getting worse at this age? I'd think it should be slowing down. 

Oh, I took more Valerian root also, Maybe that will help me fall asleep. I hope.

Kind of wondering if doing the pelvic/gluteal exercises could be causing constipation/bowel habit problems. 

I need more sex. Can no longer deny it. I need it both emotionally and physically. It helps keep me in balance. 

Exercise alone is not doing it. Probably could to some point if I could go to the gym twice a day some days. But I've done that before and know it kicks off a cycle where it send me into a manic state plus wears me out for a while, then increases my endurance and wakes me up even more, so insomnia gets even worse. That cycle would continue until I burned up all my body's resources. Then I start losing weight including muscle. 

I'm not really sure why sex helps me but it does. It changes my brain chemistry and keeps it more stable. It calms my nerves. Definitely helps me sleep, if I get enough sex. (Which can be difficult for me at times.) I know I am not alone in this by any stretch of the imagination. It is not all psychological. It's odd that many people with manic conditions often have sexual addictions and may engage in risky behaviors because of it. Why? Because it helps offset that condition and calm down.

People with organic depressive disorders desire less sex, even though it would probably cheer them up. So the question becomes why? 

Ugh. Rationalizing. Not a question it's a cycle which I had broken for over 8 years. Now I am back in that cycle. Then again I have no garden, no job, nothing else to use to wear me out at the moment. I need sex AND a job AND exercise AND studies or intellectual diversions. And sleep. Going to try again.

Exercise

Just sticking to more mundane stuff here.

Been making some good gains at the gym. Though for some things I am now reaching a plateau where gains will slow down a lot. Once I get to a point where I am doing a high number of reps at my highest weight levels, then I'll have to move to other machines or free weights for some of them. 

Started doing standing squats this week. Got slightly sore but not much. That still was not doing much for my gluteal muscles. I'm up to 200 lbs on that. Not bad but used to do more than twice that much years ago.

Any way, had to start adding other muscles for my glutes. I do these at home. Hip raises/thrusts. That did make me slightly sore for a day or two. That wore off, so I added 40 lbs of weight. Really feeling that. Has several good benefits. First, it is already having a visible effect on my sagging butt. I think there should be no more sagging present within a week. Yes, I'm impatient. Between these and other exercises, I am actually gaining muscle there. I may wind up with a butt for the first time in my life. Happily, all muscle. Secondly, it has some specific practical applications I was not expecting at first. It builds certain muscles used during sex. It will make my hip thrusts a lot stronger. I like that idea! Over time, it should also increase my endurance better in the bedroom. 

It also seems like it may wind up making my orgasms more intense. No complaints there!

Kind of hoping it helps me better control my orgasm control better, too. 

Aside from that, started doing other exercises to get rid of my very stubborn love handles. Went from crossover crunches to lateral crunches. Low tolerance for those but increasing rapidly. I think that should help very soon. 

Setting the seat higher while doing pec flies. That targets my lower chest more and is having a visible effect. My chest is gaining size rapidly. My gf noticed, so that's a good thing. 

I would love to be able to do multiple sets of some exercises at the gym. Unfortunately, much of the time there are some people, usually the same people, taking up the machines. They go from one machine to another, over and over. The frustrating part is that these people are ALL underdeveloped for anyone who spend that much time at a gym. More than one but especially one Asian guy, continually starts working on a machine near me, whatever machine I am on. These people are unquestionably gay gym sluts. I would think they should just hook up with each other but they are probably all looking for guys who are in better shape than they are. I would also think they would get the damn message that I am NOT interested and leave me the hell alone. I have nothing against gays but try to start a conversation, make a move besides hanging out nearby or walk away. Stop taking up machines other people are paying to use. 

Well, guess my body is moving out of the depressive cycle. Now if my brain chemistry will follow soon, I'll be happy. I was awake for 41 hours straight Fri morning to Sat night. Hope to hell I don't go right from depressive cycle to manic. I think my brain will explode if that happens. At any rate, my mental clarity and libido are returning to normal. Exercise and UC control are increasing my energy. Happy for all of that. 

Hoping to get a call that I am hired at the prison tomorrow. If not, I will submit an application for the jail. Less desirable but it's a job. Or I will apply for the women's prison. My gf will not like it but will have to deal with it. Not like I would have any interest in female felons. Seriously. It's with the same company that does medical for Kilby, so I may be able to float to different prisons or transfer at some later date. 

I see the Genesis facility I applied with has had no luck hiring anyone. So they are having a job fair, where they resort to paying for dinner. Unwisely they chose a fish place. Really? How dumb can you be? Fish will attract the least number of potential applicants of ANY kind of restaurant. That tells me that the DON or administrator is using this as a write-off for a free meal. The lack of qualified applicants should  be telling them that their scheduling and maybe their pay rate is insufficient to get anybody in the door. It should signal to the corporation that the management is ineffective at their jobs. 

Why the fuck am I more competent at management than alleged managerial "professionals"? 

Is change coming?

First, have to say that my daughter applied to a magnet school this week. Had to go to an audition yesterday. She did well. I am not surprised at all.

The school itself is focused mostly on art and literature. Hmm. My kid is mostly liberal arts. That surprised me slightly. Though she has always had a huge heart and loved art. She is also in the honors biology program. 

She had to spend all last week after school writing stories and doing artwork. She loves doing those things but not on a deadline. She managed it. I read one of her stories and it is really good.

What rather pisses me off is that her name now goes into a lottery. I think they do that to avoid charges of racism. There can be no racism if it is all random. Makes sense but punishes high achievers. 

So, gf and I were chatting online last night. It was more indication that she may be reading my blog. Honestly, I have felt less of a pyschic connection to her for a few weeks than I did before. That could be my own depressive cycle or could be part of the cause of it. Though it does not feel like it is coming from me.

She said she will spend more time with me this week, that we need it. I know I do but question if it will be one week and then months of decrease again. Or if it will happen at all. I'm not holding my breath at this point.

This will be slightly more graphic. 

We have discussed many things which have not happened. Our ceremony. Supposed to have happened two months ago. BDSM on several levels. Just barely. Lots of talk, toys still packed away. I don't think she even realizes I have chains on the head of the bed. They've been there for weeks. Her kissing me all over. Her performing oral sex on me to completion. Her giving me a massage. Her dominating me, which I have never even offered anyone in my life. None have happened.

If she does not want to do these things, that's fine. I'd rather have the truth in the open than discuss them and then nothing happens. It has become a situation where it seems intentional to make me hopeful and interested and then disappointed. That definitely does depress me. Not anger. Disappointment. 

So I guess I will wait and see what happens. I'm still giving it until Fri. Then I can no longer place myself in the situation of staying where I only expect to be disappointed. It sets a precedent which would only extend to all areas of life. I know this. Been there before and not going back. 

Insomnia again

Having insomnia again. Wish the gym was open so I could go work out until exhausted. 

Of course I am not sure if my gf reads my blog. She may well do so. If she does, she has hidden it well. I may have seen some minor indications she has but nothing definitive. Doesn't matter. Not like anyone else reads it.

This is all about how I feel, what is on my own mind. If she reads it, then she should know I love her but I do have emotional needs of my own. I don't think my needs are unreasonable. 

This past week I was down. During that time, she was offline and unavailable more than usual. Then she asked if I felt better many times over. In the end, she just wanted me to say yes. I did say yes, even when I did not. Then again, I try and tell myself I feel better when I do not. I do that emotionally and physically with my UC. 

Though worse than that, it then turned into her telling me how depressed she is. So it seemed like I was expected to put my feelings aside for her. I could only manage to do that just so much. Usually I can put my feelings aside and have much of my life for the people around me. Too much.

I did that continuously for 10 years with my ex. It resulted in primary social isolation and porn addiction. Which I no longer have. But I still feel it was a better option than chronic antidepressant use or self harm. Then again, I guess that was a form of self harm, wasn't it? If I tried expressing my feelings, she was the victim. I even expressed that and again, it made her the victim. It was all about her fears, her self esteem, her needs. Mine just got buried. 

I can't do that again. That was what made me spend so many years alone. I'm tired of being alone but will only pay so much of a price. I'm not into being a womanizer but I can be. Longest I've ever done that was a few months at a time. But then fell into another harmful relationship. I want to be more careful and avoid that. I would indeed rather be alone, a workaholic, than be in a harmful relationship. 

Right now, I am still in depressive mode. Yes, it does affect my emotions strongly. Sometimes in odd ways. I have several articles I have written but have not published. So I can write and express myself but then I keep much of it inside. 

Told my gf specific things which would help me purge this. Nothing I can do myself. Nothing I would trust anyone else with. Those things went unheeded. So here I remain. Physical pain helps me get over this. Guess that helps at the gym and why I wish the gym were open now. I won't do self harm. Not into cutting or anything like that. Maybe I need to seek other options. 

In any case, I am going to give this until next Fri. If nothing changes, then I will tell her I am going to start seeing other women. Not going to shut her out unless that's what she chooses. But will not keep it exclusive any more. 

Emotional preparation

Well, I'm not going to start seeing other women yet. But I am emotionally preparing myself to do so at this point.

She got here around 5:30. That was after she said she would leave home around 2. I understand her husband asked her to do some things. Then she went shopping. 

When she got here, I fed her the dinner I made. She enjoyed that. Then she wanted to watch TV together. Eventually we did become intimate but it seemed like she was basically in a hurry to get it over with. I complied. My libido is not that high. Mostly, it seemed like she put it off, then was in a hurry. It really felt like "just sex" on her side to me.

She still tells me she wants to spend more time with me and promises we will. I'm not holding my breath. 

So, it is as it sounds. My feelings are fading. Not to where they cannot be recovered but not the way things are going. 

I cannot go into another relationship where I am there for them and alone when I feel down. Once in a while I need someone else to take charge when I am in down mode. If that cannot happen, what is the point in not being.. alone? Being in a relationship should not mean I expend my energy for them and myself. 

Maybe I'm not being fair but this is how I am feeling right now. One reason I am not acting on it is because I do know when I am in depressed mode, I may see things more clearly or less. I have to wait and see what happens from here. But I am not going to put a whole lot of effort out. I cannot do much under the circumstances. Can't go over there. I've been available day and night. Sat waiting time after time. Been told she would be here at a certain time and waited hours after that time. Turned down several jobs because it would conflict with the time I can spend with her. 

And I still know she could be spending time with other men. She says she's not and I want to believe it but know that is a possibility. 

So I am trying to think objectively. Seem to be failing. There are times emotion takes over when it is emotion that is at stake. I don't want to make a bad decision for the wrong reasons. 

I've said it before. Maybe just suggesting that I may see other women may change things. If I matter that much to her, she may put more thought into how I feel. Or she may walk away if I do not matter that much. In any case, all I can do is be patient for now and honest if I make that ultimate decision. I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror. 

Hell, I may not even see other women. I may just get into some social groups or take some classes, get a job and work extra hours or something like that. The point is not sex. It's not sitting around waiting and feeling.. alone. 

More time alone

Nothing here invalidates my last post. In fact, it rather confirms the whole concept of abandonment.

Yesterday, she was supposed to come over. Said we would have a lot of time together. In the afternoon, she laid down and fell asleep at home. She had a headache and had hit her head the night before. She's on blood thinners, so it worried me. She had other neurological symptoms, so when she woke up I told her to go get an MRI. Some time later, she said she ate something and the symptoms went away. (She is diabetic.) Never came over.

Today she said she would come over early. This morning she said she would leave home around 2. It's after 3 and she has not left home. 

Basically, I am sitting around alone, waiting.. to sit around alone. 

Yeah, I think I am going to start seeing other women. No question I am going to expand my social life. I can't keep doing this. 

Because it's one of her favorite meals, I even made turkey, dressing, corn, biscuits and gravy today. It's all sitting in the kitchen. 

Self realization

She came over tonight and we talked.

When we had chatted earlier, some of the things she said made me wonder at the moment if she was saying she wanted to break up with me. It wasn't what she meant. I'm glad. 

Here's the part that sounds bad. There was part of me that wanted her to say yes. Not because I want to break up with her, though. That's where the self realization came in. 

I was really shocked at my own thought that part of me hoped she would say yes. I had to examine myself and figure out why. 

That's when it hit home. The reason for my emotional swings. I admitted to it when I first realized I loved her. Thought I had left it behind but really I just stopped thinking about it consciously. It's still my fear of abandonment haunting me. If not outright abandonment, emotional abandonment. I've been through that too many times in my life. A person saying they love me but emotionally absent. 

That kind of thing leaves you feeling alone in a relationship. So you're not free because of your own sense of commitment, yet not really in a relationship. 

She did not want me to go to the discussion group because she has her own fears. Both of us have had past partners who cheated on us. Not to mention partners that were emotionally and/or physically abusive. In her case, she has been through worse than I did. Plus she is currently in an emotionally abusive marriage, where I have been alone for years. So the fear is more acute for her. 

She is afraid I will cheat on her or meet someone else. I have no intention of cheating on her. I will admit I have considered it. Not to be deceptive. As an emotional buffer. Though I realized just thinking about it that I would not be able to do so. I'd feel too guilty and think of her the whole time, so may not even be able to get excited. So, she has no reason to fear that I would cheat. Not going to fall for anyone else because I won't be spending time with anyone else. 

Funny. I went to where the discussion group was supposed to meet tonight. At Starbucks. I was the only one that showed up. Obviously, people in Montgomery are complete flakes. That's three times since I've been here. The first meeting I set up. The Net Neutrality protest. Now this. For the first meeting, the only one that showed up was my gf. For the rest, I've been the only one to be present. 

Oh, well. Back to the subject. I am not going to cheat on her and she is not going to abandon me. We are bound to each other. That's apparent.

None of that means I would not like more time occasionally or that I do not want to hold our ceremony. But it does not seem like either is going to happen soon. So I'm just going to stop mentioning it. But when I stop talking about something it means I have surrendered that point. I no longer believe it will happen at all. Not until it does. But those are things I hoped for. 

Guess I better find things to do with my time. 

Just rambling

Went to the interview yesterday and it seemed to have gone well. After the interview, the lead nurse showed me around, which seems like something she does not always do. She said they had more interviews but basically welcomed me on board. So it's sounding rather hopeful.

I'm coming out of depressive mode slowly. The job interview helped a little. 

Also helped some that my gf came over last night for a while.

On the other hand, that is causing some levels of anxiety and depression in itself. I've said how I get little of her time. That hasn't changed and will become less and less in coming weeks. She is starting more classes and I will have to start working. 

Going to be honest. Sensually, I prefer having occasional times that encounters last for numerous hours. Especially when BDSM is involved. We've discussed that and she has brought things over related to it but none have been used. They're just toys in the closet. Never enough time to play with them. 

Maybe I'm being selfish but between depressive mode and failed expectations, my libido is dropping. Physically. Emotionally, I still have an urge for more consistent company and sensuality. 

Oh, well. It will be good if I start working and get the hell out of the apartment more. Only things I've been leaving here for is taking daughter skating, going to the gym and shopping. 

Later- Was just chatting with her and told her about the discussion group I am going to tonight. Montgomery Freethinkers. She became upset and seemed like she does not want me to go. I went through a 10 year relationship where I could have no friends. I cannot do that again. I don't know anyone here. I have not been working outside of the house. I am isolated more than I have ever been. 

Oh, well. On to other subjects.

Been making really good progress at the gym. More than I had thought. Put on my baseball jersey and the biceps are snug, which they were not before. Doing maximum weight on the bicep machine several times a week. 

Doing max on pec fly several times a week. Can see results in the mirror. 

Started doing standing squats to build up my gluteal muscles. Looked in the mirror not long ago and saw my butt is sagging. I don't have a butt! I am famous for not having a butt! How can my butt be sagging when I don't have one?!!! Guess it's time to develop a butt so it doesn't sag. But the standing squats are doing wonders for core stability, too. 

My "love handles" are almost gone. I doubt I will ever have a six pack but abs are visibly stronger. Not sure I want a six pack because that entails low body fat and sometimes a level of dehydration. No thanks!

In any case, I will have to start buying some new clothes if the near future. Old clothes are pretty worn out, so it's good timing. Other clothes are not well suited to the weather here. Buy a few new shirts once I know I have a job. 

Interview in the morning

Ready for my interview in the morning at the prison. Luckily, it's pretty close by, less than 10 miles. So I can be there in only a few minutes. I'll get there early because I have no idea how long it will take to get through gates and security.

I'm still fighting depression off. Of course, some of that has ties to real world events. Like feeling like I got screwed on the so-called "job" I just quit. 

Keep looking for some up sides. At the gym, I'm maintaining the max weights on several machines and extending hold times on some weights (at partial flex). Started adding some different exercises I need to do. Like standing squats and hip abductions. Try and build up my glutes. 

GF came over tonight. We watched TV, cuddled and kissed. She said she is depressed too. She has been depressed several times since I've been here. I have gone through it this once. Thought I had found someone with whom my feelings could take more precedence once in a while, like now. Guess it was wishful thinking. 

No sex. Then again, even though I know that would help improve my emotional situation, my libido is down and I was not assertive on the subject. 

Looks like I will be getting even less time with her from now on. At least shorter time spans. Maybe fewer days as well. There's no longer even any talk of more hours in a row or our ceremony. The ceremony was important to me. As far as any sensual plans we had discussed, more hours in a row would be necessary, so I guess those are out of the picture too. 

So, while it may just be my depression speaking, sometimes depression makes me see things which are truly there. The rest of the time I try and be more optimistic and understanding. I may ask questions, have some doubts but make excuses for the other person to myself. Which has been a mistake too many times. 

In this case, I rather feel like she is trying to sabotage the relationship. I think that is what I have been feeling empathically from her. Why would she? The answer is- It doesn't matter why. Because if it's true at any level, there is nothing I can do to change it. 

Think I'll get drunk tomorrow night. Planned to a few nights ago but didn't. 

Bad one

This depressive state is the worst I've had in many years. 

I did go through depression after daughter left NM but that was not biological. 

Having a hard time fighting this but not falling into outright depression. Mostly feeling passive, almost defeated on some levels though objectively I know I am far from that. 

Hell, my investments have gained money in the last couple of weeks and I expect they will gain more very quickly. I was almost offered a job before an interview but turned it down because of the mandatory schedule. Have an interview for another job on Tue. Getting in better shape and losing my love handles. Sore there right now, so inflammation present. I expect they should be completely gone in a couple of weeks. 

My gf is being very supportive of me in the depressive state. She knows what it's like. I explained it to daughter and she is being nice about it too. I let everyone know exactly where I am at emotionally and that I do not need kid gloves. But seeing beyond myself is difficult at the moment. I do not like being passive, I do not like not seeing beyond myself. It's not who I am. 

Yes, I know. My blog can sometimes sound otherwise but it's a journal about my own life. Of course it's going to sound that way sometimes. The only things I can honestly write about are things that I think, feel, believe, heard, read, etc. It's something I do as a release mechanism. It relieves pressure, gives me objectivity and the strength to keep going. Been many thousands of times I was writing and changed my perspective on something. Or it solidifies my conviction as I examine details more closely. 

Any way, hope this passes soon.

Depressive state

I guess I am in a depressive state. Makes sense. I've barely been writing (by my standards for quite some time). Quit my job this week. Questioning my gf. 

None of the above is without good reason. The job doesn't pay. I need something where I can earn a living. Good part is I feel far more equipped to do something outside the house than I did when I got here. 

Writing seems hopeless. Period. I still do some writing and videos but slowed down a lot. 

My gf still seems distant and her patterns have changed. Used to text with her all day and night on and off. Now I send her a text and it takes a long time to get a reply. Schedule has changed. Later and later again. My suspicion has gotten so bad that I had knots in my stomach tonight. Actual pain.

Part of that is also sheer intuition. My intuition is never wrong. She may not be seeing someone else. Says she's not. I brought it up in a nice way. But something is definitely going on and it's not good. Maybe she's not seeing someone else yet but spending a lot of time talking to them online. 

Or maybe I am just being needful. Wanted more time with her before I start working more and it's obvious that's not going to happen. Maybe never going to happen. Just going to fade to fewer days, further apart, fewer hours each time. Never going to have our ceremony which was supposed to happen six weeks ago. If it has come up, it has been because I mentioned it. Not even tentative plans offered or suggested. Never going to have enough time for certain sensual experiences we have discussed which are time consuming.

Then again, maybe it's not me. Maybe she is consciously or subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. Would not be the first time I've seen that happen. Sometimes passively, sometimes more overtly. In that case it starts being that I could do nothing right. 

No matter the case, I'm not going to keep asking for more. Just going to wait and see what happens. I'm going to be more passive. I hate being passive but it's not like I have any way to be more assertive, any way. No part of our schedule to this point has been up to me. Maybe I have been too available, too flexible, too accepting. 

I need to get off the computer and phone, get some work done on the van. Get serious about finding a job. If I get the job on Tue, start working as soon as possible. Get some money back in the bank. Try and get enough together for a down payment on a house. Hopefully a new motorbike. Vacation with daughter this summer. If on the computer, need to focus more on my writing. 

Once I start working, if we set a schedule and it gets broken so I wind up sitting and waiting for her to come over and then it does not happen, that will upset me. It would probably mean I turned down a shift and lost money because of it. 

But part of it is sex. I am a highly sexual person in a relationship and will admit I'm not getting enough or long enough. Should I be ashamed of that? Maybe but I'm not. 

Maybe I'm just not made for this kind of arrangement. It's something I do keep questioning. 

Fitness

Been going to the gym several times a week. Glad I have been. It will probably be more difficult if I get a job and start working.

Then again, if I work any evening shifts, I can go after work sometimes, since Planet Fitness is open 24 hours Mon-Thur. 

Not taking anything 5 days where I have to work evenings. Or anything where I have to work more than 1 of 3 weekends. Preferably no more than one weekend a month, if at all.

Getting back in decent shape. For the most part, I am back to reaching the maximum on the pectoral fly and bicep curl machines. Not for many reps on either one yet. That's okay. 

I started alternating the type of workout I am doing. One workout is mostly for strength. The other is shorter but mostly for pure muscle mass. It sounds like they would be the same but they're not. 

Going for bulk is using lower weights, more reps and holding the last one for a fairly long period. Reps pump the blood into the muscle. Holding it physically forces the muscle to expand further. It does build more tolerance to sustained exertion, also. 

Exercises for strength mean using higher weights, fewer reps. But you hold the reps less time. In that routine I work until I reach muscle failure at the highest level. Then drop the weight about 30 lbs at a time and keep going to muscle failure at each level. It does build bulk but because you hold it less time, not as much. Mostly that routine is good for bursts of strength. 

In each case right now I am mostly building mass in my arms, shoulders and chest. Also trying to build up my gluteal muscles, thighs and calves but not pushing those as much yet. Sticking to mostly upper body. 

Also trying to tone my middle. Not doing badly but noted what I am doing is not thinning my love handles very well. So tonight I started doing some exercises I used to to for that at home. It was really effective before, no reason to think it would not be now. 

Have to go slowly on lats and shoulders, so as not to send myself back into extreme pain. But I am seeing progress there too. 

At first I was reaching for fitness alone. Still including that but focusing on body shaping to specific areas right now. I am building muscle again. Added some mass to my chest. My gf noticed tonight and remarked on it. That made me happy! That makes the point of the body shaping more rewarding, because it is for self esteem and emotional well-being. Just want to feel attractive to her and myself. Still going to stick to loose clothing in public. I may get a six pack back if it doesn't require being dehydrated. If it takes that (which it often does), forget it. I'll just go with having a toned abdomen. 

I was feeling really good about myself a couple years ago until I had to stop working out because of excessive weight loss. Now my weight is stable or gaining muscle weight. Back up to 162 for now. Shooting for 170. 

Have to get some sleep. Meds are kicking in, in addition to being very relaxed.

Back to normal

Took the ad down. Could see from the look in her eyes as soon as I saw her today that things were back where they were.

She's not seeing anyone else. I hate sounding like a drama queen. Just more fearful of losing this than any relationship in my life. If anyone else walked away from me, it would have hurt, especially in the last 30 years but I could handle it. This time is far different. I genuinely scares me how much I feel. 

Definitely not going to sabotage it, consciously or subconsciously. 

I think what happened was that she felt less attractive or like she was letting me down because she did not feel well. But seriously, it does not have to lead to the bedroom. I love the affection and I was missing that most of all. I felt for a while like she was here but not here.

Any way, tonight was wonderful. Lots of affection. Lots of talking. I needed that. Not the least bit ashamed of saying it. 

I can take on the whole world in many ways. With her I feel different and need something else. I let the parts of me out that I always hid or that went unsatisfied. I do mean always. Once it is set free, then it becomes frightening to seal it back up. Not sure now how I could. 

Wait and see

She is supposed to be here in a little while. After getting her hair and maybe her nails done. Not sure of the nails.

Going to be patient and see how this is going. My stomach has been in knots, actual pain. Rumbling continuously. Emotional stress and UC do not go together well.

To be honest, I have put out an ad for a bed partner. Something I don;t have to follow up on, of course. But if this goes some direction where I'm just part of a crowd or it's not heading the way we have discussed, then I am going to take other lovers. Yes, I do mean multiple. I'll use precautions, of course. It's a lot easier to tell a stranger you've never met that you've changed your mind than the other options available. 

That's just an emotional buffer, a distraction, a pain killer. Because if I set my heart going this direction so seriously and it doesn't work for reasons I cannot accept, it will tear me to shreds.

If it goes another direction, I'm not sure I would even be able to keep seeing her as a lover. She's really the best lover I've ever had but so much of that is based on emotion for me that it would be extremely painful. I'm fine if that is the kind of arrangement from the beginning but once my feelings go a certain direction, I cannot just back away. Never could do that. I've tried before and know it won't work for me. 

My first clue is going to be if and how she looks at me today. Because that really does seem to have changed. 

Still off

Quit ny current job today. Finished up the last of my documentation and then called to resign. I considered giving notice but decided against it. They wanted me to stay until the end of the month but I declined. I had started to resign several weeks ago but had already stayed to give it more chance to pick up more clients, That never happened. I also suspect they will try and find a way to not pay me the small amount I did earn with them.

My gf came over again this evening after her yoga class. Yes, something is most definitely off with her. I really do suspect she is seeing someone else. Not nearly as close as she was before. Not even kissing as much. Bruises in strange places. Could be what she says, aerial yoga and dogs but I'm not fully convinced, obviously. 

I have somewhat jokingly said both online and in person that she must be spending time with her other bf. Each time she has skipped over that and not responded at all. 

She's supposed to come over tomorrow and has said she wants to sleep with me. I did tell her that's not something that can be forced if she doesn't feel like it. Honestly, right now I'm not sure I feel like it. So no, it's not all about sex for me. We sat and watched Hulu together again tonight. I'm not against that but we can watch TV/Hulu/Netflix/etc while each of us are at home, separately. We get very little time together. That's how she wants to spend it? 

She said she did not feel attractive because she was not wearing makeup and was sweaty from yoga. I had no complaints about any of that. 

Above all, something in her eyes has changed. Not looking at me directly. Like something she is trying to hide. But I don't need to even see that. I can feel it from a distance.

More secure financially

Little more secure financially. Crypto investments had dropped for a while but coming back up now. 

One of the things I like about crypto is that I can cash in any amount at any time. Not like stock market investment accounts, where you have to get approval, pay fees, then probably wait for at least a week. Usually the money is in my bank account the following day with crypto. Yes, there are fees involved but they are lower and I know they go to the miners who invest time, money and effort into mining. I have friends who mine crypto. 

I'm still not sure what's going on with my gf. 11 AM and she still doesn't seem to be awake. Maybe sick or maybe she is seeing someone else. 

She said I would see her tonight after her class. And tomorrow but at this point I'm not holding my breath. My faith is fading here. 

I am again considering seeing other women. If nothing else, maybe it would get her attention. (Best case.) Or I protect myself emotionally. (Worst case.)

In any case, I need to start focusing on other things. Need a job. Have an interview next week for a prison nurse job. Pay is close to what I was making in NM, better than I actually expected to make in AL. Benefits are good. Stable. It would be PRN at first, so schedule would be somewhat flexible. Can get my foot in the door and then see what I can negotiate for full time later. I estimate my finances now will last until May. Then I hit critical. 

Besides, I do want to buy a house here. Have to get busy on that because of my age. 

Something is off

My gf came over today. 

I have to note here it gets old not using people's names in my blogs for various reasons. I never view anyone as a possession. My daughter. My gf. Doing this is not my own choice.

Any way, we spent a few hours together and I always feel better when I have time with her.

However, something definitely feels off. I'm not sure what it is. Yes, she has been sick. She had a scratchy throat when she got here. She was sweating slightly. Oh, well. That should make it better when she gets home and her husband thought she was at aerial yoga.

On that, I should feel guilty. She skipped her class to be with me and it's not the first time.

But it still feels off in some way. I cannot avoid that feeling. My intuition is never wrong. Never. Though I also know trying to force it will not work. All I can do is be patient and wait for whatever it is to pass or reveal itself. Trying to force it makes it worse or results in temporary deception. 

I am wondering if she is seeing someone else. Perhaps not sleeping with them. Yet. But I am wondering if that is the case. I definitely feel like there is some other energy involved here that I am unaware of. 

Hope to hell I'm not being a fool again. Guess I should be used to it by now. 

Job hunt

Well, I am back on the hunt for a job. Had one interview and that one decided not to hire me before I even got home. I suspect there was a strange element of racism there. The woman that interviewed me was white but all the employees were black. Seemed like she wants everyone under her to be black. May have also been an element of fear because I have managerial and a lot of medical experience. She may have been in fear I would wind up replacing her. (Which likely means she will be replaced in the near future.)

Had an interview with Genesis lined up for this morning but canceled it. They only have evening shift, full time, 5 days a week available and require every other weekend. None of that works out with my daughter or gf. 

Checked back with the other plasma place this morning to make sure they received my resume. They had but had not reviewed it. Supposedly reviewing it today but have heard nothing back yet.

Going to check back on the prison job. 

Not that many LPN positions including agency here. Plus pay is lower than NM. That's okay, for the most part cost of living is actually lower. 

Not sure what is going on with the gf. She has been sick But that's not all that's happening and I know it. I get very little time with her. Not much sex. Lots of talk but even talk has slowed down. A lot. She says she can't manage to get out of the house much without arousing suspicion. The ultimate result is that I am alone and mostly celibate. We never did have our ceremony. 

Honestly, I cannot be sure she is not talking to or sleeping with other men. 

So I reserve time to be with her which doesn't happen. I spend all my time alone. Can't be in public with her. Not much sex. Hell, I cannot even give her any overtly romantic gifts. Can rarely speak on the phone. So I am questioning this arrangement. I love her very much, more than anyone I have ever known. That hasn't changed. I'm just not feeling very secure here again. Nothing abnormal about that.