Piercings and more piercings

So, the other day daughter wanted to get both ears pierced with a second lobe piercing plus a top cartilage ear piercing on one side. I have wanted to get my ear re-pierced. So we went to Claire's and both of us got pierced. I paid for all of them. 

She was really happy with hers! 

Today, I went and got one of the body piercings I was considering. Just went with one so far. The piercing artist had never done the other kind but read up on it and is experienced with other piercings. He was quick and caused virtually no pain at all. Quite a feat, considering it had to be one of the largest gauges for an initial piercing. 14 gauge. Basically a sharpened metal pipe thrust through part of your body. Any way, he was so good I think I will go back in a week or two to get the other piercing. He needs someone to practice on for future customers, right? I like the way this one looks. 

My gf is accepting my decision fairly gracefully. I told her I will remain friends with her and I mean it. She is still invited to TG dinner with daughter and myself. I think I fully explained it in a manner that was not TOO accusatory. Told her how I feel and why. It is consistent with previous discussions we have had and that was one of the biggest reasons for the decision, that we have talked about it multiple times. She can tell this time is different. I did not throw it at her that we have had several discussions and it keeps coming back to the same thing. She knows, I did not have to say it. I'm not trying to be mean. She has made some hints at trying to change my mind but not much because my tone of address by text is clear. 

I do love her but I have to love me as well. 

Right now I need some sleep. 

The end

Well, today was the end. I reached my emotional limit and broke it off with my gf.

She had said she was going to come over this morning. Then texted me around 8:30 or later, telling me she overslept. Then she had to take her meds, feed all her animals, etc. If I saw her, it would be around 11. Maybe. 

I know, it sounds like I am being less than understanding. I'm tired of being understanding. I'm tired of my understanding meaning I am always alone, yet still in an exclusive relationship. I'm tired of always listening, never listened to. I'm tired of forced celibacy. I'm tired of being a nurse, caregiver, therapist and nothing else over 99% of the time. I'm tired of having expectations and plans only to have them canceled at the last minute. I'm tired of hiding the relationship, being in the shadows, hiding myself inside myself.

I told her I cannot do this any more. That she cancels more often than she shows up. That I have seen her only 3 times in the last month. 3 times last month. 3 times the month before that. That we have had sex once a month or less for over a year. I told her I will remain her friend, that I still love her but I can no longer say I love us. 

Honestly, I would not have held on this long if not for my own fear of abandonment. Yet I am being systematically abandoned over time, any way. Hell, I would not have stayed in my past relationships as long as I did if not for the same reason. The difference is that I have learned from past mistakes and do not want to repeat them. 

I really don't expect to meet anyone that I truly get along with as well as we did in the beginning. Not here in Montgomery. So I am sentencing myself to years, maybe the rest of my life alone. Still, it's better than being forced to be alone and continuously feel unimportant to the person who claims I am important to them. 

Even if I meet anyone soon I won't be having sex for at least a week or two. I am going to get a new genital piercing today. Well, assuming I can get one done today, of course. I may go with two. 

No changes

I was correct in my last post. Another crisis. GF hurt her back. As a result, I have not seen her at all for 2 weeks. That means I have seen her only 2 times in a month. Well, 3 times but once was for less than 5 minutes to give her some documents I had printed out for her. Some issue with her printer.

So, at this point I am actively seeking another lover. It's not right for me to be alone this much and yet be considered in a relationship. Nor is it right that we have had sex an average of once a month for over a year now. 

This has caused me no small amount of emotional turmoil. That would be true even if I did not have fear of abandonment. 

I don't feel any guilt for looking for something else. I don't see why I should. This is not what I signed up for. 

It would take some radical changes for me to change my mind. Not counting on those changes occurring. 

I do question whether I have once again been literally too nice. Maybe she would show more dedication to me if I were less attentive, rougher physically and emotionally, more demanding. I can always give that a try and see what the response is. Maybe her history in abusive relationships is not all about the partners she has been with. Maybe she actively seeks it out. I have been with women before who thought they wanted someone nicer but were not happy in such circumstances. Maybe I need to find a dividing line. 

Or maybe I need to give up. 

Until things change, I will keep trying to find at least one other lover. Maybe more. 

If this relationship ends, I'm not looking for another singular relationship unless it involves extreme intensity sensually and emotionally. Maybe a live in 24/7 submissive. The 24/7 thing is something I have debated in recent months, after talking with a women who was seeking that. That's something I have typically steered away from. I like women who think for themselves. Maybe if they work and are independent in that respect, it would work out better with someone who was happier as a complete submissive in a relationship. That seems to be the norm. Once again, I am the odd one out.