Specificity

I am finding it obvious that I have to start demanding far more specificity on things with the people in my life now.

The ex uses terms like, "same as usual". Then ensues the drama of Friday. 

The gf says she will be here "earlier" today, references an 11 AM doctor appointment. Talked on the phone a while ago, she makes a vague statement about seeing me after a memorial for a friend, which takes place this evening. Apparently we have different definitions of early or earlier. 

So in each case, I am going to have to demand actual time schedules. I have other things to do and I put things off or arrange my schedule to accommodate theirs. 

Apparently, I have to be more dominating because other people will not respect my life if I do not. I do not appreciate it. I should not have to take control that much. However, I will since I have to. I'm left with no choice.  

Hired

Got a call from the prison contractor this morning and they made an offer for the PRN position. Only $23.50 an hour but that's good for this area. 

It is also considerably more than the plasma center. I basically had no hopes of getting 40 hours a week there. If I had, I would still make less money working 40 hours there than if I work 32 hours a week at the new job. If I work 40 hours a week, it would be $800 a month more than the same number of hours at the plasma center. So the pay difference has the potential to be enormous. Plus I may (not sure yet) have more control over my schedule. 

This job has better benefits, also. More time off, better insurance, etc. 

In any case, they have not given me a start date. Background check not completed yet. The office called and told them my application is a priority because I submitted for so many facilities and show flexibility. It always helps to be flexible.

Still kills me I can buy a deadly weapon and get a background check in roughly 10 minutes. To enter lockdown facilities unarmed and provide medical care takes days. WTF? They're probably checking my social media. lol! They better get ready to get a headache. As far as safety, I'm no threat at all. As far as corporate propaganda, they will hate me.

I put a rotation of pictures on the TV from when Emily was younger. I am in some of those pictures. Been looking and realized how bad I looked at the time. Fatigue from working so much. Too much alcohol. Stress from the relationship with the ex. Illness which I did not completely know I had. I did have a small idea because I kept having pain similar to chronic or recurrent appendicitis but my WBC was fine. That was what turned out to be UC.

In all, I wonder what condition I would be in now if I had remained in that relationship. The honest truth is that I may not have been alive now. Because I was literally killing myself and didn't know it. My body was falling apart. I would have been in much worse emotional condition then if not for my daughter. Still, there is definite emotional scarring from that time in my life. 

Much better off in many respects now. Especially with my health. Also far more emotionally stable. lol! may not seem that way at times. But I do have emotions and cannot deny they are there. 

Revisions

Well, guess my libido is not so much reduced after all. Just strangely variable. Body chemistry?

What ever.

One thing I have decided to do is start sewing. Prices of men's shirts in general have gone up a lot in a short time. It's annoying. Been climbing for a while but then suddenly shot upward. Plus my favorite type is much harder to find, with Henley collars. So those are even more expensive. I tend to think collars look stupid and serve no purpose. So fine, fuck you. Want me to pay more money for something that takes less sewing and less cloth? Not happening. 

Two approaches here. One is that I ordered a pattern. I can design and sew my own shirts. Probably come out with something better than what is available without spending a fortune on it. 

Second, I can buy some inexpensive T-shirts and modify them by sewing buttons onto them. 

No need to stop there. Time to drag out the air brush and start playing around with painting my own designs on shirts. Been meaning to do that for a while. Now is the time for it. 

Never know. Maybe it can result in a side business for me to make extra money. 

I need to start doing something with my spare time. Something productive. Hopefully something that either makes money or at least saves me money. 

Daughter did not want to go skating yesterday. Then did not want to go to the gym today. All while I have been in manic cycle. I understand, she's coming to the end of the school year. Probably mentally worn out. 

That left me feeling restless. Besides, I am getting more motivated to get in even better shape, since I can see the results. Next stage I am heading into is going to be building my arms a lot more and continue working on my abdomen. And my legs. That one is painful. Most weight lifters say that, so I'm not alone. (Makes sense. Largest muscles in the body, they lift the most weight.) I've gotten through the primary health part and feel good about it. Now I want to work on appearance more. Nothing wrong with it. Just for my own self image. 

Even when not going to the gym, I have been doing some exercise at home. Especially stretching exercises. Trying to regain more flexibility. My current flexibility isn't bad for 56 years old. I just know it can be a lot better. Rather ashamed of how much less flexible I am now compared to how I used to be. May be a big problem why I have difficulty with aerobics, aside from burning too many calories. No matter what, adding flexibility is good. Already regained a lot but want to try and get back where I was in my late 20's, if possible. Or as close as I can get. Been doing additional crunches, leg raises and hip raises at home. Some deltoid exercises. Forearms. Nothing major.  

I think once I do start working, I want to invest some money into some weight lifter's mass gaining supplements. It would be a good thing for me to buy, any way. Amino acids and over 1000 cals per serving. Still less expensive than the nutrition drinks. 

Out of manic?

Is my manic cycle already over? 

If so, kind of a relief, kind of a bummer. No sign I am rebounding into a depressive cycle. I don't go that direction unless I have burned off all my resources. Usually after an extended manic cycle where I work myself into absolute exhaustion.

I slept last night for a full 8 hours. My libido seems to be going back to baseline. 

However, not like the libido can be used to full extent. Bummer. And I mixed up my meds last night, so think I may have taken two melatonin instead of one. Then woke up with really bad allergies and a slight bronchitis attack. It resolved quickly. 

At least my motivation for writing and work are still at baseline. I'm better able to focus.

That's good. Weather is supposed to be decent this week, so I can get the brakes done and tighten belts on the van. No sign the timing belt is going to give out in the very near future. Possible I just need to adjust my driving habits, which may have throw it off slightly. No check engine light or lack of power. I know it will have to be done at some point but I'd rather wait until I'm working, get a second vehicle first and then do it. Get the full kit with a water pump, new idlers and all new belts, do another oil change at the same time. Do it right all the way around. Costs more, takes longer, a bit more work but worth it in the long run. 

Still hoping to hear something back about the job tomorrow or Tue. 

Just playing it all by ear for now. 

Ex hasn't changed

The ex has not changed at all. Now almost 43 years old and still an overly aggressive drama queen. 

I texted yesterday to ask when to pick daughter up, she replied "no change". 

So, a few weeks ago I got an email from her which said, "She's working with her on Friday, and Heather's bringing her back here by no later than 7. hope that's ok. did you still want her Friday, or would you rather wait until Saturday morning? Let me know. Ohh, and she's busted her butt the first week and this week in order to have all her schoolwork done by Fridays." Notice the multiple at the end? Then, when I asked daughter if it was going to be every Friday, I got no clear answer. She told me how she wants to earn money for college and for spending money. Which I praised highly. 

So that weekend I picked daughter up at 7:30. Next weekend, I did not see daughter because of work. Last weekend the ex dropped daughter off on Sat because of a book fair. 

I thought daughter was going to be working every Fri until summer, then it would become every Sat. 

Sitting here with gf yesterday, relaxed, getting ready to go pick daughter up, thinking at 7:30. Knock on the door. The ex confronting me that I was supposed to be there at 6. I tried to explain but that (as usual) did no good. 

In addition, she brought her husband, who is much larger than I, apparently to intimidate me? What it looked like. That didn't work out so well if that was the intent. He didn't even look at me. It looked like he was trying not to laugh at her. 

Did they bring daughter with them? No. She claimed they were afraid something happened to me. No relief shown that I was okay. Instead, after they left, I had to go pick daughter up from their house. That was a clear power play.

I suspect they are still in certain social arrangements they had previously. Obviously me being "late" interfered with their weekend plans for 90 minutes. I know they're not going to karaoke and have not been able to advise on any other social opportunities locally. No chance they'd be seeing me at any of those gatherings. Not judging but have some priorities.

It should have been evident that there was a misunderstanding on my part in this situation. I'm extremely consistent and reliable. Boringly so. Not prone to neglect or abuse. I should not be treated as if I am. If I am going to be even 5 minutes late, I call ahead. This was ridiculous. But I refused to let it escalate any further than it did. There would be no benefit to anyone. However, I don't expect this to be the end of the matter on her part. 

Now, I admit I did not realize I had the ringer turned off to my phone. It happens. But all of this happened at 7 PM. Between 6 and 7, she texted me once, called SIX times and drove over here in Fri evening traffic. WTF?!!! This could have gone so much differently. 

So, my only option now is to text and confirm the correct time each day I am supposed to pick daughter up. If there will be any changes to when I drop daughter off, then I will start confirming that also. For any problems, I tend to come up with solutions. 

Guess I should accept this as a reminder of how much more emotionally stable my life is now. Any problems with my gf are really petty at times on my part and I need to see it that way. Most issues we've had are due to my own insecurities and impatience. She is so much more emotionally mature, reasonable and giving. I'm really lucky now. Just need to rein myself in. 

Less manic

So, gf came over last night. I'm just going to say certain things have taken a much better turn. I feel a lot better, physically and emotionally. Less manic today. 

It made me feel good that she fell asleep on the sofa for a short while early in the evening. I know how she is and she would not have fallen asleep here if she were not emotionally at ease with me. That's important to me. 

The fact is, I have a need to be trusted and needed on multiple levels. It's when those things exist that I live up to them. It's when they lack that I lose the motivation to try. Been through it more than once where I put out the effort and it was moot. I can't put my emotions in and feel like I have never proven myself. It takes too much out of me. 

Yes, I need to be needed sexually, too. Without it, a relationship lacks. I still find it an outward expression of internal emotions. 

So, I feel more like that is much better. Maybe go the direction we had originally discussed. 

Still waiting to hear back about the job offer. They said they're busy, probably overwhelmed because of the change from one company to this one. I have little doubt the old company suspended hiring for a while, so the new company is racing to catch up. Along with a lot of other things.

Oh, crap. I won't hear anything until next week, any way! Medical administrators from all the local prisons had to go out of town this week! I forgot about that. Oh, well. At least the background check can continue and I am guessing should be complete by now. Maybe I'll get word on Monday or Tuesday. 

I want to get started working so I can save money to put a down payment on a house. I do want her to live with me. Someplace outside of town with some land for gardening, space and privacy, not to mention her animals. No idea what animals she may adopt after that! lol! I'm quite alright with that.

Signed up for several other groups on Meetup.com, mostly for bloggers and networking. I'll try that and see how it goes. The political groups aren't doing anything at all, even with midterms this year. Not sure AL has midterms but I think they do. I have to check further into that soon. If they are not doing anything, I will have to. Fucking sucks to move from another state and have to organize things. I wanted to sit back for a while and get involved more gradually. I suck at fundraising, good at organizing. In any case, I still want to expand my social reach a little. Hope to make some actual friends. Platonic, intelligent, rational friends. 

I know. Good luck with that.

Oh, my little experiment does seem to be doing some good. Have not been having the same problems I had before. At least not for two days. Pelvic pain in the morning is decreased as well. Of course, two days is not long enough to tell for sure. The process is still painful but if it reduces pain and other problems, it's worth it. 

More mentally focused

Still manic, did not sleep much last night. However, more mentally focused and emotionally stable this morning. 

Waiting to hear back from the company that they received my background check paperwork and whether there's anything else I need to do.

This next part gets a little bit graphic, though it's primarily medical.

I have been having an increasing problem with lower digestive issues. To put it nicely. In the morning, I deal with pain until my bowel is empty. At other times during the day, I can experience nausea and extreme fatigue if there is even a small amount of feces in my lower intestine. To the degree of becoming extremely sleepy, possibly dizzy.

This all has to do with the vagal nerve. It's not really uncommon. Pressure on the vagal nerve can cause a lot of problems, including cardiac arrhythmia. The majority of heart attacks occur in the morning, in the bathroom (like Elvis). This is due to vagal stimulation.

I have never heard any medical discussion on how to avoid this problem, aside from more fiber in the diet or laxatives. However, I have my own theory on the issue and bringing it under more control. Possibly preventing greater problems at some point.

I suspect that as we age, we develop what amounts to anal stenosis. This is especially true with a condition such as ulcerative colitis. I won't go into much detail on that point. Stenosis is narrowing and hardening of tissue, resulting in decreased ability for passage of a substance or nerve to move through a lumen. Such as arterial stenosis.

I completely believe that many forms of stenosis are reversible. I have already battled off urethral stenosis and stenosis of the nerve channels in my shoulders. So I know it's possible. Not comfortable by any means. In fact, the process in each case can be quite painful. You are breaking up tissue, sometimes scar tissue, which leads to that stenosis. It has to be dilated by force.

As such, I am taking steps to dilate.. my rectum. There is NO pleasure in this. I only began last night. Nor do I have the items needed to do it properly but I have ordered one item. May order more. Simply put, butt plugs. Most of which available on the market now are..decorative? Um, guess I'll just have to deal with that aspect. I don't plan on anyone seeing this. 

Like former issues with stenosis, my first effort was painful. This morning, having cramps as a result. Not horrible cramps but they're there. 

One thing is that I want to avoid surgery. That would be more painful, more risky, more embarrassing. Yet I want to decrease the pressure on the vagal nerve. There are only certain ways of doing so. Dilation is one, surgery is the only other option. Besides, surgery could lead to more scarring and would entail not being able to eat for at least several days. Possibly a temporary colostomy. Hell NO!

I do find it odd that this is not discussed in medicine more. I've even worked in cardiac and gastric medicine and never heard it mentioned. Yet I know it is not a new issue, not unknown and it has occurred in my family. I ran across a set of rectal dilators (butt plugs) which belonged to my great grandfather because of the same problem. They were definitely medical, in a case labeled for the purpose. Happy to say what is available now is a lot nicer than those, which were completely solid. Now they are made of silicone. 

So, this will not be solved quickly. Will not lead to anything pleasurable for me. I just want to correct this before it gets any worse. 

Full manic

I know why I am in the mood I am in. I am now in full manic mode. In Montgomery. Alone. No friends. Nothing to do. No garden. No wood shop. No place with karaoke tonight.

This just became very not fun.

Nearing confirmation

Got the forms for the background check and filled them out. First time I recall ever having to get authorization for a background check notarized. Came home, scanned and emailed them.

This morning I ordered some items. Small spending spree, about $100. Mostly dietary supplements. Though I also ordered some more sex toys.

Not that I'm truly expecting to use them any time soon. She has been saying she is sleepy a lot. Think she got a minor concussion. In any case, that doesn't matter. We never have sex for 2 hours in a row. Or 2 days in a row. 2 times in a week hasn't happened for months. 2 consecutive weeks has become questionable. 

I love her more than anything. I love sex with her more than anyone I have ever been with. 

Am I selfish? Maybe. Am I demanding? Definitely. Am I obsessive? Yes. But none of that changes my desires, even needs. And the scarcity of sex has become an issue for me. Because I no longer believe it's going to change. It will continue the same cycle. Once every few weeks to keep me from seeking someone else. Then nothing for weeks again. The bag of toys in the closet will remain a bag of toys in the closet. I'll never see the leather mini skirt. The chains belong in storage. The only way I could change it would be if I made myself the bad guy, forced the issue, demanded more, was less understanding, caused a direct rift. 

There are definite reasons I stayed celibate for so many years. Part of it is that I know myself. When I become sexually active, I am sexually active. Maybe it's an addiction. But it's one I either revel in and give myself over to or do without completely. There is no middle ground for me on this. 

Oh, well.

Bought a couple of shirts. Just T-shirt type. My favorite style of shirt with Henley collars seem to have gone out of style. I don't GAF, I still like them. I think collars look stupid. They're useless. So I guess I'll have to learn how to sew more. Get some patterns and make my own shirts. Be a good skill, any way. Should be a fairly simple design to start off with. 

Been changing routine again at the gym. Better to make occasional changes. Each muscle group reaches a plateau and the ones I've been stressing the most have done that. So I am changing the methods on some things. I can still reach gains with the different routine. Started doing more resistance with abs and that was a good choice. I'm actually seeing more definition. My chest, I change for a few weeks at a time building upper for weeks, lower for weeks. Seems to be working. Biceps have reached the point where I cannot even make myself sore there. I just reach muscle failure. Working on my legs more. Have to take that a bit gradually because I used to have knee problems on the right side. Need to work on my deltoids more. 

Weather has been unpredictable. Can't get work done on the van because of it. May have to try tomorrow, any way. 

New job

So, called to check with potential employer. Seems there is no night shift open at Kilby. Obviously the prisons do not keep their records updated as they should. However, the PRN position for multiple facilities is open and they are making an offer for that. That's good. I get to check out the different facilities and can decide which one would be best to work at. Can put my name down for preferred location if it comes open and be more likely to get it. Plus I think the PRN, especially multiple facility, pays more. 

Probably good for my ADD. I have more freedom to set my schedule. Can somewhat avoid the places that suck. 

Tax refund made it to the bank. So my finances are stable for the moment. Happy about that! Have a few things I need or just want to order. Not going on any massive shopping spree. Once I do start working, I intend to buy a second vehicle. Smaller, that burns less gas. 

I wrote about gf coming over Mon evening. Then yesterday she had a doctor's appointment she had forgotten. Got here after 5. Did not feel well. Not enough sleep. 

Today she has her classes this evening. 

So, back to the same pattern. I'm just keeping the singles ads up, specifying for platonic friends. Expand my social circle. Need to find other ways to do that. Tried politics and people flake out too much. Obviously not into church or sports. 

Maybe look for other places to go to karaoke. Place I went to last week was too redneck. Not bad, just redneck. In other words, I'm running into the problems I expected to encounter here. At least it's on a peaceful level. So far. I really wonder how many people wind up having Conservative views based entirely on social needs? Probably more common than is thought. 

Different week, different karma

So, it's a different week and my karma seems to have done a 180. Okay, maybe just a 90 because it wasn't bad, just not going the direction I wanted.

Interviewed at one prison yesterday. Was told I was interviewing for morning shift. Got there and was told there was no morning shift available. Interview almost ended there. Then we started talking about PRN for multiple facilities. The interview was really good from there. 

As of this morning I am being considered for that position and they were ready to make an offer. However, I asked to also be considered for the night shift position at Kilby. I may interview by phone as soon as later today for that one. 

In any case, looks like I will have a job with the prison medical system. I'm okay with that. Prisoners are human beings and deserve medical care. The tragedy is that they have better medical care than most civilians in this country do.

Tax refund has been received by the bank. Federal refund, that is. Pending deposit. Maybe they're making sure the federal government check doesn't bounce? 

GF came over yesterday. Things seems to be taking a positive turn. We wore each other out last night. I'm still taking it easy on her physically because she said she doesn't want me to leave her too sore. Um, define too sore. Still no chains. Yet. I am going to be pushing that issue more aggressively in the near future. 

So, I took down the ads. Suspended them, actually. I am going to wait and see how this plays out. Last night was one day. If that leads to 3-4 weeks of celibacy, I will activate them again and we will have that discussion.

I can still say I love her more than any woman I have ever known. I say that without reservation. The issue is not whether I love her because that cannot be denied. The issue is how much I love myself and how much I am willing to deny myself because of that love.

One thing is certain. I do still need to expand my social circle. Obviously that will be difficult here, just as in NM. People don't seem to want to socialize unless there is some form of sexual, monetary or religious profit for them. They won't socialize for the actual purpose of socialization. WTF? I keep trying to rethink my tactics but so far coming up short. 

So, I have love, affection, sex, money and employment. Only thing I need to work on for the moment is socialization, which I've always sucked at. 

Going manic

Part of my behavior makes sense now.

I think I am heading into a manic state. Not completely sure but will know in a day or two. Explains why my writing has been speeding up again. (It slowed to a near halt for a while, then accelerated rapidly.) Why I have felt horny so much. Somewhat anxious, at least to the degree that I start demanding results. Increased strength and endurance at the gym. 

Lastly, why I barely slept, if at all last night. I laid down several times but don't think I slept at all. 

So, I'm not expecting to get much sleep this week. Guess it's good timing that I quit my last job. I'll probably get a lot of writing done.

I've noticed something strange. Just before I go into a manic state, I think I tend to get a lot of muscle spasms. Then they disappear once I go into it. 

Does this explain the rapid weight loss not long ago? I went up to 175.6, then back down to 169.2 lbs. Can it be that being manic is my natural state but I'm held back by weight loss? Once I gain weight, does that spark the inception of a manic state? It's very much worth experimenting in trying to maintain a higher weight. 

Just checked and my income tax refund comes in this week. Between 4/25 and 4/30. So, it should be credited 4/25 or 4/26. 

Bad news but good timing. I think the timing belt is getting ready to go out on the van. Glad it's happening while I'm not working and the taxes should be coming in. I do think I will check on how much it would cost to have someone else do it. If too expensive, I'll do it myself. I checked and there's enough clearance to not have to pull the engine. Take a full day or two. Happily, there's a Pep Boys not far away. Walking distance. They're more expensive than Auto Zone but if I need any additional parts or supplies while doing it, that's an option. So I think I will buy the parts at least. Then get the brakes done while I have it taken apart, all in one shot. New belts. Get a kit that includes a new water pump and idlers maybe. 

Got a text via FB from gf a few minutes ago. Seems she forgot that today is my bd. FB tells you. I'm guessing I should forget about getting what I wanted for my bd. 

Awake

I'm awake. Shouldn't be but I am. 

Happy birthday to me. 

I've come to the absolute decision that things change or I start seeing other women. I fully expect that this afternoon I will wind up being expected to calm her emotions. On my bd. I expect that sex will be more inhibited, not less. I expect if I allow it, I would spend most of my time alone until I find another job. 

Not going to allow it. 

Celibacy was a personal choice I made for years. I will not have that choice imposed on me. 

Being alone was a choice I made for years. I will not have that choice imposed on me. 

If she wants to sit in a room with him in another room, celibate, no affection, afraid to venture out, afraid to say she is seeing someone that offers something more, that is a choice she makes. I am not going to have the same choices imposed on me. I will not simply sit alone, isolated, celibate, not allowed to see someone else. My finances and possessions are not tied up in this. 

Maybe I am still suffering the emotional fallout from Fri. However, she "could not" make it out to see me under any circumstances on Fri or Sat or Sun. Barely talking. I do expect she has been reading this blog. Okay. Then she should understand my emotions are not happening in a vacuum. They are extremely founded in reality. No matter how much I love her, my first duty has to be to myself. It's obvious her primary duty is to herself, so why would it be wrong for me to make the same choice for me? 

So changes have to happen. I do not have her company. Nobody to sleep in the same room with. No option of affection most of the time. No option to have sex more than once every few weeks. (Which winds up being too vanilla and far too short for my preferences.) I have no option to do things together in public. No option of showing affection in front of other people. No option of shared efforts. Being in a relationship is supposed to free you emotionally. I am more emotionally bound now than I was a year ago. 

Expectations

I was thinking, beginning from my last comment about my bd. 

We only get disappointed when we have expectations. Most of my life my bd didn't matter to me. Mostly because it didn't matter to anyone else. (Meaning MY bd didn't matter to them. Theirs most certainly did.) It's been a pet peeve of mine most of my life that people place so much importance on certain days. Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's, Mother's Day, Father's Day.. Honestly, if a person or their role in your life, their happiness, does not matter to you all year long, then why should it matter on one specific day?

My hope was for decent sex for my bd. (I know, of course it was.) Then again, when is that not a hope? Why on one day? I hate quickies. Ugh. Not going to get started.

I know I am going to wind up paying attention to someone else's feelings tomorrow. What I want doesn't matter. Even one day where I'm asked what I want and get it? 

Whatever. 

My best bet is to simply not have any expectations. Not even those that have been discussed. Face the fact that words are words to most people and nothing more. It is my karma that I will be alone in all respects unless I am giving. No use asking. No use hoping. All expectations will do is leave me wishing. So I'll stop wishing. 

Plans for the week

Since I'm not working, have some plans for the week.

I have the interview tomorrow. Fingers crossed on that one. I have all the requested documents printed out and ready to go.

Need to get to storage. The succulents gf gave me and dill are getting too large for the small containers I have them in now. 

Plan on spending a lot of time at the gym. Make up for not getting there much in the last few weeks. I'm on a push now to see how well I can develop a six pack. Doesn't hurt to try. I was pleasantly surprised at the fact that I can now do repetitions at the highest weight level on the medial bicep isolation machine. When I started going, I could do one rep. Then two. That was my limit. Now I am doing at least two sets of 5 reps. May not sound like a lot but that's 170 lbs for each arm. I think. I have heard before that on machines the weight is split, so more likely 85 lbs each arm. That sounds more realistic. I'm still happy. Not a bad weight level for isolation exercises. 

Need to work on the van. Have to get the front brakes done. Need to go to Auto Zone and get the check engine code checked and maybe cleared.  The sending unit is not working properly. Now it turns out it may be a known issue with Samsung phones. So I need to charge the old phone and see if I can get that to work on it. Now if I can remember which phone.. 


Not sure what else I'll be doing. Not much of a birthday. Oh, well. Same old shit.

Resigned

So, Fri morning I resigned from my job. It was a difficult decision. But when I looked at all the complications involved, the pay, the schedule, not knowing if I would be signed off to work independently for another month, I found it the best choice to make. 

I felt it was better to make the decision now rather than wait. It is better not only for me but for the company.

Of course, the down side is that I am counting on my tax refund. Though if not contested by federal or state tax agencies, both will arrive in less than 3 weeks. Crossing my fingers. 

One thing that prompted the decision was that I got a call offering an interview at the prison on Monday. I was scheduled to work on Monday. After that, I would be unable to interview until the next week. So if they do not hire me at Tutwiler, I will interview for the night shift position at Kilby. I would prefer the morning shift position but I've spent most of my life on the night shift, so it would not pose a challenge. All depends mostly on the weekend issue. Though that is not so much of a problem since daughter will be out of school and working Saturdays soon.

This is getting complicated.

GF and I got into a bit of a dispute Fri. Almost broke up. Mostly because when I told her I may well be working at the women's prison, it caused her to basically say she does not trust me. I've done nothing to earn that. I've made myself available any time I could see her. Offered to give her a key to my place. Told her she can come over any time she wants. If I'm not with her, I'm usually talking to her online when we're both awake. The ONLY reason I have said for her to text me before coming over was to be sure I was home. Though I typically let her know when I will not be home. 

I've turned down multiple jobs at a decent wage because of the schedules. Not only about weekends but because they were evening shifts and I would never see her. Only to be told now that she does not trust me enough for me to take a job at a women's prison. 

Eventually she recanted. I did not want to break up over that. But I would rather be alone and free to do as I wish than put my emotions and efforts into the limitations necessary to earn her trust and not have it. I've been through that and the distrust never ends. 

On the other hand, I'm horny as hell. Yes, I want a truly active sex life. Which is not happening. She is making promises again but those promises have been spoken before and never went anywhere. Honestly, by the time she recanted her distrust, I had reactivated and edited my singles ads. Not for friendship, definitely not for romance. Just for sex. I'm not taking them down yet. Not until I see some kind of difference happening. I'd rather have some kind of potential contact started and be able to back out than keep being celibate. I don't like sex without emotional connection but if she and I break up, I'm sure as hell not going to look for any other emotional connection. I'd rather fuck anything attractive that moves. Once again, I will not cheat behind her back. But not going to keep going this direction. 

Thinking

So, my gf got here around 5:30. 

She's been sick again this week. Tried to get her to go to the doctor all week. She chose today, the one day I could see her, after her hair appointment. 

I understand illness. I'm a nurse. But it seems she doesn't miss me quite the way she claims. Nor does she want me the way she claims.

So, my best bet is to start seeing other women. Not going to actively seek anyone out but at this point, if someone I am attracted to physically offers me their number I will not refuse. 

Said it before, I'll say it again. I have no urge to be in a committed, allegedly monogamous relationship which is really just platonic. I love her very much but that's not fair to me. I'm not even being fair to myself this way. I just wind up feeling unattractive and largely unwanted. 

Not sure what I am doing to myself here. 

Oh, to be clear, none of that means I would go behind her back and cheat. 

So many things have been interfering with me getting to the gym. I finally decided to start doing some exercises at home when I cannot get to the gym. If nothing else, I can do crunches for my abdomen. Not as many strength training exercises. I'm rather happy with how many crunches I can do, when not doing them with legs raised or on an incline. I am going to try and develop more of a six pack, since I have the faint outline of one. Doesn't hurt anything to try. In any case, it would mean I'd strengthen my core muscles. Good for preventing back injuries and carrying heavy loads. 

Updates all around

So, finally got a call from work. The doctor would get there around 2 PM. I said I have other plans. I was ready to go in at 10 (when he should have arrived), 11, maybe 12. By 2 PM, I have other things to do. Not giving up my entire day off for that. No way to know how long it would take. It depends on whether there were even any new or renew donors that needed physicals at all and/or when they came in. 

I pointed out that there is an assistant physician who should be able to sign off. Unless no doctor at all will be available for the next month!

Got a call back after two messages about the interview. The background check system to approve me to merely enter the facility has been down. Obviously no backup system. Just great for a prison system. Told them I can interview tomorrow morning if necessary. I don't go to work until 1. 

Apparently gf finished getting her hair done. She posted a picture online but I haven't heard from her. 

So this is what my life has turned into here. Waiting around for people to call me when they don't even have any respect for my time or other things I may want to do. 

No notice

Well, I was waiting to hear something about an interview this morning and have not yet heard anything. 

I told the company yesterday I would also be willing to work the night shift if available. There is a night shift open at Kilby. The night shift would work. Would not interfere with the schedule for daughter or gf. 

Yesterday, almost walked out of work. They want me to come in to work today, my one day off, to be signed off by the doctor on physicals. Got followed by Quality Control yesterday. Of course, that was when a valid question arose. Donor had very low BP, for which there is no protocol. Got followed again for a second physical and passed. This morning, they are supposed to call me and tell me when to go in. As yet, no call.

There was something I realized as well. I consider myself a Democratic Socialist. Yet there is little more capitalist than people selling their bodily fluids for money, most often out of necessity. Though I still believe in this model. If no money were involved, the amount of plasma donated would slow to a trickle. Plasma is truly needed for life saving medications and treatments. If anything, I think the payments should be much higher to the donors. (Though testing, storage and processing is VERY expensive.) So for this one thing I still support it. 

Oh, well. No call from the interview. No call from work. My gf stayed awake all night, apparently painting. I can't go anywhere because I'm waiting on those calls. I need to work on the van and go to storage but both are really dirty and the van means taking it apart. 

This whole week has been shit. 

Interview change

So, the interview at Kilby isn't going to happen. They only have evening shift open. They do have mornings open at Tutwiler, so I asked to have my information submitted for that one. 

My gf does not like the idea of me working at Tutwiler because it's a female prison. I understand she has been cheated on before but I sure as hell would not be messing around with any inmates. Or letting them have personal information to contact me after release. I really don't GAF if inmates are male or female. Women may be more manipulative but males are more violent. Not sure I've ever seen a major uprising at a female prison. And I'm one of the most difficult people on the planet to manipulate. I'm sure as hell not led around by my dick. 

Several issues at play here: 

Stability of my schedule. If I take evening shift, we'll never see each other. My current schedule is schizo. Worked until 8 last night, back at work at 9 this morning. Just a short example.

Coworker told me last night what I had already surmised. I will never get 40 hours at this job.

Pay at the prison is 30-50% higher. If I am going to buy a house (mandatory if she and I will ever live together), I need better pay than the job I have. Besides, it's kind of a blow to my financial stability and merely emotionally to suffer such a drastic pay cut as I have taken. 

Better benefits. More PTO, better insurance. For me, insurance isn't that important but she has health issues and insurance is VERY important. That is only a problem to me if I cannot provide for that insurance.

Lastly, if I get hired at one facility, I could transfer to another later if a morning position comes open. It's the same company holding the contract.

The pay here for LPN's (nurses in general) is really low. For better pay, my only other option seems like it would require driving to and from Birmingham every day, which is 90 minutes each way. That would not be good. 

Most nurses could not handle working in prisons. I could. The security I've seen here is nothing compared to other places I've been. I see prisoners as human beings. Most are there for non-violent crimes. Others had some justification for their crimes. Only a minority are truly violent by nature and they tend to be at other facilities. None of that means I would let my guard down. 

Interview

I may have an interview for another job this Thur. I applied last night and they called this morning. It's at one of the prisons. I said what I would like to be paid and they said no problem. There are openings at multiple prisons, so if one doesn't pan out, I may interview for the other.

This is really just a short update.

Going to finish my application as well for Job Corps. That may be a good one. More cheerful than the prison but would likely pay less. 

Yes, right now I am focusing mostly on pay.

Odd thing. I have been horny as hell. Took steps to.. alleviate that "problem" 4 or 6 times between last night and this morning. Feel a bit better. Not sure why that is happening. Stress? 

Oh, well. Have to get ready for work. Sure won't be a problem there! lol!

Weight loss

Something I forgot to mention yesterday. 

Last week, I was really happy on Wed when I weighed in at 175.6 lbs. Then on Fri, I weighed in at 172.6 lbs. Yesterday I weighed myself. 169.2 lbs.

Maybe that explains the fact that I felt so tired all weekend. 

The only thing I have been doing differently is doing minor aerobics. Using the elliptical at the gym for 10 mins at a time a couple of times a week. I do maintain and average speed of 7 mph through most of that 10 mins but seriously! It's 10 mins!

Oh, well. When the tax money comes in I'll buy a bunch of protein powder and see how much I can increase my weight that way. 

So yesterday was definitely a Monday for me. Hoping today is better. 

Good and bad karma

Got up this morning and managed to finish my taxes before work. VERY happy to say I do NOT have to pay the IRS, I will be getting a refund after all! I had procrastinated doing my taxes because I figured I would owe them. Guess I should have finished taxes sooner.

Got to work and they posted the next schedule. So, after having me scheduled this Sat, now they have me scheduled next Sat as well. I covered this issue in my initial interview, then verbally when they scheduled me two weekends in a row, then again in writing. 

In addition, the schedule has me working until 8 PM one day and back at 6 AM the following day. So it takes away from time with daughter AND gf once again. I'm not seeing the humor.

I came home and filled out another application this evening. Will do another in the morning. Or rather finish one I started. Then keep watching for new openings.

Odd thing. All the LPN jobs at the company staffing prisons disappeared. Then I noted that LPN jobs for the prisons were showing up for a different company. So it seems the state signed a contract with a new company and the old one is out. That explained that. 

The check engine light is on in the van. Not sure why. Nothing seems to be malfunctioning. My guess is something like an oxygen sensor. Probably because I still need to do more for a tune up. Be nice if I had the time and decent weather for that at once. I'll take it and get it tested later in the week. Hope it doesn't die on me or anything before then. 

Got a notice of a letter from the City of Montgomery which I have to pick up at the post office. I think I got a ticket. I forgot they have traffic cameras here, so I may have run a yellow light. Shit. 

To top everything all off, gf is sick. Sounds like a sinus infection. Could move into her chest. So, did not get to see her tonight. Won't get to see her tomorrow. Probably not Wed. Or Fri or Sat. So Thur will be the only day I'll see her this week. That sucks. Miss her, worried about her. Not much I can do about it, either. We talked on the phone and online for a while this evening. 

So, did my karma do a trade for the tax money? Am I being pushed to make some changes? (About the job, that is.) Or did I do something wrong which I do not understand? Do I have some lesson to learn? Be nice if it were a bit more clear without any tragedy or huge problem coming up. 

Screwed schedule

No, not going to see gf Tue evening. I work until 8 PM that day. Then turn around and have to be at work the next morning at 9 AM.

I'm waiting to see what my schedule looks like the following week. That will determine what I may be willing to accept with other jobs I apply for. 

My suspicion last night of what was causing my fatigue and brain fog seems to have been correct. On the other hand, I have a rebound small amount of lower abdominal pain. That will go away in a while. I'd rather have the pain than the fatigue and brain fog.

Have to finish taxes. I really only have 1-2 pieces of information to locate. Most I know where to find in moments. 

Feeling blah

Been feeling tired and brain dead yesterday and today. 

Honestly, I think it's not such a bad thing all around. My digestive habits have changed. Slowed down. I think my body is trying to regain some kind of balance to my digestive system. However, that adjustment is happening too quickly, causing a negative balance the other direction. Translation: By comparison to the last number of years, I'm getting fairly constipated on a near daily basis. This causes a low level vagal nerve reaction. Even to the point of exhaustion, dizziness.. called near syncope. 

Maybe part of that is because I have been working fairly hard on developing my core muscles for a while and it's working. The goal was to develop the muscles so they support my intestines better. I was not expecting any direct effect on the intestines but it may be a good thing. I have not had any diarrhea or blood in my stool. Which is better. 

Got back to the gym Sun, Mon, Thur and today this past week. Try to go after work or Thur morning this coming week. Haven't finished the taxes, so hope to finish those in the morning and maybe hit the gym after work on Tue evening, if not going to see her. I may, she sometimes comes by for a while late Tue. Guess I could go Fri night, also. Have to wait and see. 

I'm not relying on my scale. Use the ones at work, which are all highly calibrated and more accurate. 

Any way, to maintain balance I may have to take a low dose laxative once in a while. Can't be anything strong. At least until things get back on track naturally. Not going to do that daily because that leads to dependence. 

My schedule this week sucks. Barely going to see my gf. Will not see my daughter next weekend. 

No luck

Went to the interview today. I declined the position. They actually did offer it to me. But pay was still less than $20 and they wanted me to work nearly every weekend. 

Looks like LPN jobs have dried up for the moment here. So I will be staying where I'm at for now. Hope I make enough to live on for the time being. My pay and schedule may improve after I finish training this coming week. 

No problem at the gym today. I feel less sore than before I went. 

Been trying to talk myself into doing some aerobic exercise and did that. Used the elliptical for 10 minutes as a warmup. I did feel it but I was keeping a pace of over 7 mph most of that time. Not bad for someone who has been smoking as long as I have. Planning on extending my time to 20 minutes, then increase pace to at least 10 mph for most of that. Though I may try the ski machine first. Or later increase resistance. I'm less concerned with time than tolerance and resistance, which are better equations to aerobic capacity than time. 

GF was sore today also. I gave her a massage, which she said helped. Hope so. 

Up early

Up early for my interview. Strange, I have a positive vibe about this. Maybe I'm talking myself into it. Still, I feel that way more than I have with the last few positions. Not just for the interview itself but the position. Intuition? Not like there would be absolutely no stress involved, just like it may be a good fit overall. 

That said, much of that comes from what I know so far. The schedule is a big thing. Then the ex told me last night that daughter may be working Fri evenings for now and Saturdays this summer. Not sure when that will begin. In any case, during the summer our schedule is more flexible and I could have her with me on different days. Her job would only be open on weekends. I'm proud of her for having a good work ethic. 

Looked in the mirror a little while ago and found I really am achieving what I want. Chest is larger than abdomen even from a side view. Men over 50, even when they're in shape, tend to get a barrel chest appearance. Not easy to overcome. 

Funny, my legs are sore and gf is sore all over. Me from the gym, her from aerial yoga, belly dancing and other highly physical exercise classes she is taking. If we went out in public today people would probably think we're old without knowing the story behind it. Both of us are likely to remain more active than typical for many years to come. We already are for our ages. We can both run circles around people half our age. 

In spite of being sore, I plan on going to the gym after the interview. Not so sore as to avoid it. I know part of it has been some infection I had, which is resolving with no major repercussions. Probably something related to my UC but could have been a minor upper respiratory issue brought on by allergies. I would be sore whether I keep working out or not, so I may as well keep doing it. That may actually help if I don't push myself too hard and make myself sore all over again. I'll push myself but not quite as hard. I just see how far I can go once in a while, which is what I did on Monday. Can't go much further on top weights for now. I've maxed out the weight stacks on most of the machines I use. Only ones I have not maxed out are chest press (but I do on pec fly, which is my preferred chest exercise), lateral bicep curl and tricep press. Working on some of those but less on chest press because of the shoulder pressure it causes. Have to go more slowly there. 

My hypocrisy

I have to admit to myself my own hypocrisy. 

I speak of other people looking for things to be wrong. Yet what am I doing in my relationship? It genuinely seems like I look for things to be wrong at times. Why? Fear. I've been through damaging relationships many times and bear the scars deeply. I'm just not willing to blindly allow more scars to be inflicted on me. So I question, I doubt. 

None of that is saying my feelings or concerns are not realistic. I try and look at things as objectively as I can. I try and not attack or blame. Yet that leaves me seeming emotionally unstable. I'm no good at blind faith yet not willing to throw this woman, this relationship away frivolously. So I remain caught in the middle. I want more, need more with her. I yearn for it like I never have before. I love her like I have never loved anyone before. She is different from every woman I have ever known. 

So I have to buckle down. Stop overreacting. Be open and honest. Stand my ground. She's worth it. 

I've gained more weight. Jumped on the scale today and I was up to 175.6 lbs. Hard to believe. Explains why I've been sore for a couple of days. I worked my muscles really hard, made them sore enough that creatine did not help much. Being sick without knowing didn't help. Muscles get sore, then gain size and weight, trading inflammation for muscle mass. 

So, my original goal was to reach 170. Then 175. Now reaching for 180. In 3 months or less, I hope to reach 190. That may not happen that quickly because I had to slow down because of work. Doubting I will go for 200 because I don't want to go so far I look like a muscled freak. All depends on how I look and feel though. 

It's still mostly about health but I like what I see in the mirror now. After fighting to keep weight on and suffering through some level of muscle wasting because of my UC, I want to have more of a buffer. When your body goes into starvation mode, it consumes muscle tissue. The more muscle mass I have to start with, the better. 

I have definitely reached the point where my chest is visibly larger than my waist again, so I'm happy about that. But I still want to work on my chest and arms more. I have a faintly visible six pack. Hips are larger, as is my butt. So I'm developing a more muscular shape. Who figured that would happen in my mid to late 50's? But I have a hot little redhead gf as motivation, too. She's the only one that will see it. Hopefully ever. Want her happy with what she's looking at. She says she is already but I want to keep it that way. 

Slightly sick

Had a bad day at work yesterday. Felt exhausted all day. Did not feel like waking up yesterday morning. Then last night I had a cough which made it hard to go to sleep. Woke this morning and realized I have a low level respiratory infection. I apparently was sweating in my sleep, so I'm fighting it off. I don't think it's infectious. I haven't had a productive cough. Not sure what it is. 

To make it worse (or because of it), I felt sore all over from working out really hard for two days in a row. 

Today is a long day, 10 hours. Oh, well. I'll live through it.

Interview tomorrow. If they make an offer with higher pay, I've already decided I'll take it. Yes, that's really jumping the gun. I would want to tour the facility and determine what the job entails. I've noted the company has a number of charge nurse positions open all over the place. Maybe they've gone through a corporate change. Or maybe the title is misleading. I find the job description questionable. So I have suspicions which must be answered. So far, the more I think about it, I am willing to seriously consider it. Charge nurse, possibly more pay, 6-2, sign on bonus. Have to find out what the weekend schedule is. And all that is assuming they make an offer. But I applied Sun night and they called Mon morning, so that's a sign of interest. By Career Builder, they have only viewed 2 resumes, mine included. 

She came over Mon night and for a while last night. I know I keep bouncing back and forth emotionally. Can't believe I am being so unstable. I love her, no question of that. Honestly, if I did not then I would be more emotionally stable. There would be less risk. For now, I am going to ride it out and see where we go. I feel a bond to her on too many levels and it's not worth throwing away. It's also likely I was being overly emotional because I was getting sick and didn't know it. I always get emotional before I get sick. Then figure that out once the actual illness manifests. I hate that. Doesn't mean my emotions are not real, just that I overreact. That said, weeks at a time of celibacy is not fun and has happened multiple times. It does become questionable after a while, especially this early in a relationship. 

I hope things stabilize more once my schedule is set. More so if I get a job with a better schedule. If this one does not pan out, I plan on applying for several other morning positions. Even if in a jail or prison. The pay and schedule matter. And I see more politics in play at this job than I saw at first. That is always hidden in the beginning and shows as time goes on.  

Writer's pause

I mentioned it last night. I don't really get writer's block. When I was younger I thought I did. Now I know I get more of a writer's pause. I go in waves. I write like crazy for a while, then it seems like I cannot focus well enough to compose anything without wandering off in so many directions that it becomes pointless. I've started writing several things which all fit that description. I don't bother to publish those. 

I think the reason for that is simply that I make things too personal. Too emotional. Plus my thought processes are complex, so they link things in ways that become too rambling for most people to understand. Or I go the opposite way and obsess. So I repeat myself too much. 

All I can really do is wait these periods out because I am still thinking, taking mental notes. Eventually they coalesce into better defined ideas which I can express in a lucid manner. 

I'm also having a problem in general with my motivation. Hard to get things done when they need to be done. I hate that. Once again, lack of focus. 

So I did get one or two resumes out last night. Get a couple more out today. I actually had to force myself to do that. Need to do the same with my taxes this week. BEFORE the 15th. Hmm. I guess the 16th this year.

So, last night after my last writing, she texted me with what she later said was a joke about suicide. Maybe my response came across as uncaring but it was honest. I said I love her but if that's what she wants there's nothing I can do to stop her. That's the truth. I have no control. 

It's not like I can offer her any more than I do. Any inhibition in our relationship does not come from my side. Offer her more time? While I sit alone, waiting? More affection? While I sit alone, waiting? While she imposes barriers saying she does not want the relationship to be all about sex, while we have always spent more time together NOT having sex? Or hours talking online about things other than sex? It was I who said I wanted more affection, sex or no sex. 

There is also the fact that over months she has gone through cycles of physical illness and then emotional depression. I've gone through one or two periods of depression since I met her. (Mostly at least in part because of frustration or loss of faith in our relationship. But I've covered that.) She has gone through depression it seems 4-5 times. In less than six months. I understand she is in an emotionally abusive situation. Yet I also see she focuses on that. She says she is happy being with me. Then appears to avoid time with me. She says she is anxious and depressed about Trump, then fixates constantly on Trump. She even picks up her cell phone while she is here to see what next thing she can read or share about him. She says she listens to me, then posts things supporting Russiagate claims. Or how Mueller will bring Trump down, after I pointed out Mueller has stated publicly that Trump is not under criminal investigation. That was only days ago. 

She is addicted to depression and anxiety. There is truly nothing I can do about that. I hate seeing that because she is so intelligent. Not to mention she has read the things I have written on that very subject. Heard me say it. Watched my videos. I guess she projects it onto other people and does not realize that she is doing the exact same thing. 

Any way, what it sounded like last night was like she was setting it up to avoid intimacy even more. Okay. If that's what she wants there is nothing I can do about it. When we began a few months ago, our intimacy was based on joy and lack of inhibition. Or so I thought. It appeared to give her emotional freedom. Or so I thought. 

I'm not going to let myself be dragged down into depression, inhibition and anxiety. Not going to bury my needs and feelings. Not going to ignore myself. I'll do what I need to do. It's in no way meant to force or control her. It is the opposite, letting her make her own decisions. My own decisions do not have to concur. I want her to be happy. I want me to be happy. I want us to be happy together. But I deeply question whether what I want really matters.