Script

I finally wrote my script for my first video. It's detailed but I may add or subtract in delivery. 

Will record the first video in the morning. Got tired and was chatting with my gf so ran out of time tonight.

I got the hardware and software issues resolved. Then was trying to record and could not get the lighting right. Looked washed out on one side of my face. Finally ran to the store and got a clip lamp so the lighting will be behind the computer, so it evens out on my face. Much better. 

Can't wear my glasses in the videos because the computer screen reflects back on them. Have to have the computer on to see myself on camera, since I am doing to videos myself. 

Both excited and nervous. 

This week, I also have to get my nursing license renewed. Try and finish that tomorrow. I thought it expired at the end of December but it's at the end of November. They extended it until 12/7 because they had some issue with the portal. Tried yesterday but could not log in. 
That means I have to do my CEU's, also. Blech. Oh, well. Only 7 hours. I can blow through those very quickly. 

Cashed in my Bitcoin yesterday. Made a decent profit off of it. Wish I had waited until this morning because the profit would have been several hundred $ more. Bitcoin really escalated rapidly past $10,000. I lost my nerve, expecting it to drop. It did but not for long. Went up to near $11,000 today. I am going to use the profit to invest in other, smaller cryptos. I do still expect Bitcoin to drop a lot more and I will reinvest in Bitcoin when it does. 

Lots of big debates going on about Bitcoin and crypto. Wall Street just got REALLY nervous. I expect the stock market to see a massive drop very soon as investors pull money out and put it in crypto.

My gf came by this afternoon between her PT and aerial yoga class. Spent a couple of hours together, just talking, kissing, cuddling. I'm always happy to have some time with her. That's why I finally regained the motivation to get my resume out and get moving on the videos.  

Moving forward Pt 2

I have to say I have been a bit frozen in place for a while. 

Some of that has been because I wanted to sort out the emotional situation.

Otherwise, had to get things in some semblance of order after moving. Get reconnected with my daughter. Adapting to the new environment. But in some sense I have been frozen in place and I'm not sure why.

Have not gotten the YouTube channel up and running. 

Not depressed. Not scared of anything. 

This is really strange for me, since I have been a workaholic all my life. 

Physically, I feel strange. Been hard to stay warm much of the time. Maybe that's just because I need more exercise. Definitely need to get off my ass and be more active. 

Getting my resume out today. Updated and revised. 

I was waiting to hear something from one application. Still not hearing from them. So I am getting more out. What's strange is that many of the jobs I am finding pay best for telecommuting contract positions. Okay. I can handle that. 

Going to get more applications out this evening and get the first video out for the YouTube channel. I feel much better emotionally equipped for that since last night. 

Strange thing. Checked the stats for my blog. It's getting some views? Most of the views are coming from iPhones? Who the hell is that? Didn't figure anyone reads this at all. No comments. Nobody that I know mentions it. 

Moving forward

Yesterday she came over and we spent a number of hours together.

I needed that badly.

Emotionally, I can move forward in this relationship. Yesterday made me feel more important to her. Which I was not feeling. 

I could say it is not about sex but that would not be entirely true. To me, sexual/sensual intensity and affection are very important aspects of a relationship. Otherwise, you're not really anything but close friends and occasional bed partners. These are things you share with a partner which are not shared with the rest of the world. 

Every past relationship I have had have lacked something. Either my partner was uninhibited but not very affectionate or they were affectionate but inhibited. Lots of promises but not much delivery. 

I need all of it. Lack of inhibition is a sign of being truly open, truly wanting to please each other. Affection is a sign of feeling close emotionally, even when hormones are not at a heated pitch. Talking and sharing thoughts and feelings is communication. Learning more about each other. Plus we share the same intellectual capacity, so that is a level above and beyond most relationships. Neither is prejudiced or bigoted. Both care deeply about others beyond ourselves. Both have experienced abuse in our pasts. Enough to truly appreciate what we see in each other.

I hurt her feelings this weekend. She wants to have a handbinding ceremony with me. It's a Celtic ritual of commitment. I am all for it but I did tell her I want to put it off a while. Not something I want to rush into this soon. It truly means something to me. 

Part of that is that I do realize what she is coming out of emotionally. Years of being in a relationship which have left her feeling alone. Now she does not. She has been fighting depression and still is, whether she fully admits to it or not. I also understand from personal experience that depression is an addiction, a habit which can be hard to break. I do not want her to come out of that, feel a closeness to me which she later finds is not really there. I involve my emotions slowly, cautiously. Even this has been faster than normal for me for decades. Crap, I've stayed single for over 12 years now and have not dated for 8 1/2 years. But once my emotions are there, they do not move backward. When the person I love does do that, it hurts. A LOT. 

I did tell her I want her but I want her whole. No depression, no emotional pain, no doubt. The only way I can trust this is if she wants me as much when she feels back in balance. I do not want to do this because she fears I will walk away. Instead, it has to be because she sees I will not and I see the same in her. I know neither has that intent. Though I also know initial intentions can go astray. I know she has a strong sense of honor. I see that in her relationship with her husband. But I do not want her to be with me from a sense of honor to a commitment or promise she does not want to break. It has to be because she believes in us. The stability, not the initial emotional release and hormone rush. Yes, that would be more likely to happen with her than myself. I have spent these years alone. It would suck to go back to that but I am quite secure in doing so. In her case, she is still balancing the emotions for me and her husband. Then rushing into something else means she could later question whether she did so too soon and needed more time for just herself. 

I always think in the long term. When I do not, things crash. In this case, I am thinking and feeling in the long term. I am committed to us. Completely. No turning back. Nothing on the side. 

I will admit I still scan CL but that's amusement and diversion. And flagging the fake posts, which annoy the hell out of me. Guess just my OCD. Besides, I sometimes reply to people asking for advice. I have no posts up for any purpose. Oops. That's a lie. I have one up telling people how to spot fake posts. It has no other purpose. 

It is funny. She knows hacking and web searches far beyond most people. She could be reading this or even have my computer hacked for all I know. That's okay. Aside from my own emotional struggle in this, there's nothing to find which I would hide. Nothing I would not admit to. And there won't be. 

Still scary flying without a net. I don't give that level of trust easily because I have done so and been wrong too many times. 

Update

So, after last writing, she came by that evening. Around 9 PM. Came in and said she could not stay long.

I'm not unreasonable. I knew she would not be able to stay long. 

I felt much better that she did come by. She said she could tell I was down from not seeing her. Which was very true. 

Fri she was going to come by but had health issues. Tinnitus and not feeling well. Found out her blood pressure was up. Too much salt on Thur and had fluid retention. I advised her what to do. 

I'm not unreasonable. Do not want her health at risk to see me. 

The question becomes obvious. When do I reach the point that I am being too reasonable? Too understanding?

She said she will try and arrange for us to have more time together this coming week. Honestly, I need that. 

I cannot and will not pull away from her emotionally. I feel too much for her. I am not going to start seeing other women. Yet. 

But this week is going to be make or break on that. If I do not have more time with her, then I have to take steps to protect myself emotionally. I will start seeing other women as friends with benefits. I will tell her I am going to do so. 

Maybe that's exactly what I need to do. I do not play games but maybe she feels too secure that I will not see other women. In other words, there's nothing for her to lose. 

Honestly, if I started seeing other women, she would not lose me. Just share me. 

This is it (edited)

To clarify what I said yesterday, I meant I would put my single's ads back up if my suspicions proved correct. If she shows up after 5 today and then keeps watching the time to leave.

Last night I had really bad insomnia. Part from gut issues. Mostly because my mind would not stop.

Looking right now, if I am picking up on her correctly, like I won't have to wait until this evening. Talking online and she says she's not doing well. Then won't tell me why. If it has to do with me, then this is it. 

It hurts but I'd much rather it end now than later. 

For once I thought I found someone that.. Never mind. No use.

Edit- So, she said she is depressed. I know she quit taking Trazodone, so suggested she start taking it again at a lower dose, like I had to. 

She also said she misses me. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that. Not like I can go to her house with her husband there. Can't go to her appointments with her. That would spark a lot of talk. 

I told her I hope I get to see her today. She said she will work on making that happen. 

If it doesn't, I need some distance. Have to regain my balance. 

Maybe not so strong

Maybe I'm not so strong.

Once I am in a relationship, I cannot hold back easily. I put my whole being into it. Which puts me at extreme risk. But I cannot be happy any other way. Otherwise, why be in a relationship at all?

I know this is different. I counted on that. 

However. It seems to me like she is pulling back from me while trying to pull my heart in further. The deeper I go, the more I want, the more possessive I can become. Not like thinking or treating her like a belonging. Just wanting more time together. 

So, while I have expressed the desire for more time together, what I am getting is her arriving later and later, staying shorter periods and less often. 

Yesterday she said she was going to PT, then would come over here. After PT she texted me to say she was on her way. Next thing I know, she texts me to say she's getting her nails done. PT was at 1, she didn't get here until 5 or later.

Tomorrow she said she will come over after PT. Now I am not expecting her to be here until after 5. 

So, maybe the best decision I can make is to protect myself. Maybe I am being played. I don't want to believe that but have to face that possibility. 

Going to wait and see how tomorrow plays out. Then tell her I am putting my single's ads back up. Not my first choice but not going to wait around and feel this way. 

Deleted posts

I deleted a couple of posts. Honestly, I went through a couple of days of emotional upheaval. Partly because of a situation I will not recount. The situation was quite real and I cannot say completely resolved yet. However, part of it was that I realized because my brain chemistry was sorely unbalanced from stopping the Trazodone. 

Since then I started taking the Trazodone again but at a lower dosage. First day was okay but today I again had some brain fog for much of the day. So I will reduce the dosage even more. It does seem to help me to an extent but too much has a negative effect. If dropping the daily dosage doesn't work, I'll try a half or even quarter dose every other day. It may just have so much cumulative effect that my brain will not handle it. 

As far as the real issues, it is very possible I was overreacting. Or not. Hard to say. 

Barely seen my gf this past week. When I did, she arrives later and later. I only saw her Mon and Fri. Wed she hurt her arm at aerial yoga. Was in pain Thur. I understand and accept that. However, I also get a strong feeling that she is giving in to fear about our relationship. About her feelings for me. I've been through this before and it did not end well. She seems to want to hold onto her feelings for me and for them to advance. At the same time, that fear can drive a wedge between us which I can do nothing to prevent. THAT brings my own fear and need for defense into play. 

I considered strongly again whether I should see other women. Ultimately decided against it. I am giving this time. I do love her. In ways I have never loved anyone. We relate to each other on levels I have hoped for (and sometimes talked myself into believing were there but were not) my whole life. Both have a strong spiritual side, including a history of witchcraft. Grew up as Christians. Same political and social leanings. Both above normal intelligence. (Damn I love that!!) Both have had to dumb ourselves down for past partners. She has been in a mostly male field for decades, while I have been in a mostly female field. Same views of love and commitment but have always wound up with partners who claimed they agreed but later revealed the truth. Both sexually abused. She is submissive, I am dominant. Both pretty uninhibited sexually and emotionally, given the chance but want monogamy. Both driven more by emotion than intellect in spite of intellectual capacity. 

I do have to accept she is more emotionally fragile than I am. For good reason. 

So I need to practice more patience than I have had a habit of in the past. Give her time. I know it will go one way or the other. There will be no in between. I have to accept that. So I cannot ride any middle line. I will remain all in and wait to see which direction she goes. And be ready for it. I'm strong. I can withstand it. 

Self discipline

Have not yet gotten the YouTube channel up and running. Soon, maybe tonight. 

I feel a bit nervous about it. Want everything to go smoothly and look right. Had an issue with camera and mic cables being too short for any flexibility, so had to get extensions. No urge to pay more than they're worth, went to Dollar Tree. The one near me did not have them in stock. So I had to drive to the Dollar Tree 5 miles away, meaning dealing with traffic. They had exactly two in stock. Tested them and they carry data well. 

So, hardware, software, lighting, cables all working. No more excuses.

Something to admit to myself is that in my relationship I keep having an urge to see other women. Not seriously, just FWB type situations. Not because I don't care about my gf. Because I do care and it makes me nervous. 

I know, that sounds stupid. There is a form of logic to it though. Once my emotions are deeply involved, I feel vulnerable (which is a dirty word to me). I know I have written about this before. 

Any way, I am not acting on that urge at all. Just leave myself open. 

I can tell she has a lot of the same fear. We've talked about it. She did not come directly out with it, instead I could read between the lines of things she said and I brought it in the open. I know neither of us will overcome that fear quickly. But we trust each other enough to take the time to work past it. 

Obviously, I still have no idea where this will go. I'm just hanging on and enjoying my time with her. Even if only online. We spend hours chatting any time of day or night. That alone lends considerable weight to things she has told me about her marriage. Much of our conversation can be extremely romantic and often rather graphic. No way she could have such long conversations on such subjects with a husband who paid any attention to her at all. The other day she told me she asked her husband what color her eyes are and he could not answer without looking. After 11 years with her. She said this after I mentioned the color of her eyes. 

Absolutely nothing sexual lacking for me. Maybe for her but she says no. My body is still adjusting to having sex after NOT having sex for years. Never believe any thought that a guy who has had no sex for years will make up for it immediately. It don't work that way. Otherwise, we have the same very broad  range of interests in that realm. Amazingly similar. Unlike many past lovers I have had, this time the interest is not fake or simply because this is a new thing. I think this will only get more intense as time goes on. 

Detoxing

When I say detoxing I am not referring to some bowel cleanse or some crap like that.

Stopped taking the Trazodone a couple of nights ago. Glad I did. Not having any problems getting to sleep. I have awakened once each night since then but only once. Last night I got a normal amount of sleep, also. 

Today I feel a lot more awake and alert than I have for a while. No brain fog. That had become worrisome. My already poor memory had become really bad. Now I think it's coming back. Not completely yet, as it can take up to two weeks for this stuff to leave your system. But I can tell the difference.

Something not expected. My gut is doing better. Part of that is most definitely from clearing out the Candida but now it seems like the Trazodone was also having a negative effect on my digestive system.

I feel.. normal. For the first time in years, I feel normal. No pain. No indigestion. No nausea. (Still not hungry but that does tend to be my normal.) Still some fatigue but nowhere near what it has been. 

For fatigue, I am experimenting with increasing my Creatine dosage. Maybe that won't pose a problem with the Candida under control. I suspect that the Creatine may have actually made that worse. I'll know pretty soon. 

Too bad the weather isn't warmer. 

Last night I tried a different web cam program and microphone configuration. It worked! Very slight video lag but that's all. Going to try making some adjustments today and see if I can maximize all of that. If it works out well enough, I will get the YouTube channel up and running tonight, at last.

Been using the self tanning lotion, so I don't look pale and sickly. Better camera presentation. (Hey, I'm not wearing makeup.) 

Supposed to go to a meeting tonight. It's a local BDSM group. I'm just going for discussion. 

Oh, was talking with my gf last night and it struck me, so I asked her IQ. I suspected her IQ is considerably higher than mine. She would not tell me, so it was clear that it is. That's awesome! I know it intimidates most men but not me. I would never hold her back or expect her to dumb herself down for me, which obviously most men will do. I love the fact that no matter how complex the issue, we both understand it and do not have to hold back intellectually. 

She has sent me some of her writing and she is a LOT better than I have ever been. That one takes a bit of an adjustment for me. I cannot say I have ever encountered that before with any gf. 

Plus she has even more varied interests than I do. I did not think that was possible! lol! 

I would say I wish I had met her 30 years ago but then my daughter would not have been born. Plus I was a far different person than I was when I was younger. 

Feeling more secure

She did show up last night shortly after my last writing. Could not help being late.

We had an amazing evening. Talked a lot, including talking more online after she left here. 

I know, I was being emotionally impulsive. Part of that is because of my own past. I've just gotten to an emotional point where I have good reason to have apprehension. Takes time for me to get past the apprehension stage. 

I have a lot of things to do this week. Need to finish working on the van before winter. Go through boxes. Got the computer cable yesterday, so I need to finish rebuilding the main computer. Then try doing video on that one for YouTube. 

For a while, I have been having pretty bad brain fog in the morning. It got worse as the Candidiasis resolved. Then I realized the medications I am taking were absorbing into my system a lot more effectively. One of the medications I have been taking is an anti-depressant. I figured if any of the medications were causing it, that would be the one. I can take the antispasmodic during the day and it causes no such problem. So last night I skipped the Trazodone. This morning, very little brain fog. I got to sleep okay last night but did not sleep as long. 

Truly sucks, I can never sleep for a long time any more unless I'm sick. 

My body is slowly adjusting to having less inflammation. That sounds like it would be a good thing but not entirely. Systemic painless inflammation acts like a cushion. So small aches and pains become more pronounced once it's gone. Just a matter of reaching a different homeostasis, which does take time. Plus my body is repairing damage. Even rebuilding blood vessels and repairing intestinal damage. Even I am not completely certain what other damage is being repaired.

One bad thing is that my face has thinned out. Hope that corrects itself a bit. Makes me look older. Got some self tanning lotion, which may help with that. Main reason I got that was that I was looking pale. Not working on the garden any more, so not spending time outside. If I am going to do a YouTube channel, I don't want to look sickly. 

Still early. Watch a few videos, do some reading and then get some things done. I actually feel like getting some things done!

Am I being foolish?

I'm not sure. Feeling insecure.

Each time she comes over, it seems to be later and later. Started off being early in the day, now it's not before 4 or 5 PM and she has to leave not too long after.

Maybe I have given my heart to freely once again. Not the first time I'd have been a fool. 

There is a part of me that has had reservations for more than obvious or stated reasons.

Today she had an eye appt and said she would come over after that. They dilated her eyes, so she could not drive right away. I understand that. Her phone keeps dying, so she winds up offline. I sent her a message earlier but have not heard back. 

Not jumping backward but I am going to be a little more cautious, at least for a few days. 

If nothing else, I know some parts of me are revived from being dormant for far too long. So, even if I am being played, that will not change. 

I hope that my apprehension is unfounded. 

Strange place

In a kind of an odd place emotionally.

Where my relationship is concerned, I am all in now and not the least bit sorry. Very happy about it. 

On the other hand, I do want to branch out a bit socially. Make more friends. Platonic friends. But I am still rather happy in my solitude.

I do not want to take any chances of hurting her. She has suffered some emotionally and is in a fairly fragile emotional place herself. She is a true submissive and may not voice it if I did something which hurt her but I would see it, feel it and it would result in a barrier I do not want to be there. 

I think what I may need to do is break out of my solitude and start getting out to social functions, like focused meeting groups. Small groups. Not dating groups. 

One thing I do plan to do is attend a BDSM discussion group on Wed. It's in public. Not a dating group. Though last I saw only one person is going, so maybe not. Mostly I am curious. I attended one such meeting in Abq and it was all huge people. Then I noted that every meeting was at an all you can eat buffet. At least this one is not at a buffet. So I'd like to see the difference. 

Otherwise I want to start getting out to karaoke and different meeting groups that actually meet to socialize rather than make money. 

I am being conservative with my money now. Not in any danger zone but need to get a job. Supposed to have one interview which is questionable this week. Need to research the company further before the interview. Still waiting for further word on another interview which I am hoping for. But not going to keep waiting. Need to get my resume out for more positions this week. I don't want to wait until it becomes critical and all my savings are gone. I'm bored as hell. 

Going to get the YouTube channel going this week. Had technical issues which I think are related to the new computer not being strong enough. Though I may have to just edit to sync the audio and video in a separate program. Was hoping to avoid that because it adds a whole lot of extra time and work. Still waiting on a cable for the main computer. Looks like I can record on the iPad. That has limited storage, so have to upload and store locally. That's more time and work, also. Frustrating. 

No. I cannot bring myself to see other women at this point. 

That may sound crazy. Just how I feel. I know I am probably setting myself up for an emotional fall but maybe it's worth it.

For the moment, I am taking it the other direction. Upping the ante. Sensually and emotionally. The more I am around her, the more possessive I feel. Not in a jealous way. Not in the traditional sense. Not sure exactly how to explain it. 

I love the way she feels in my arms. How she smells. Just how I feel when I am with her. 

Have I lost my sanity?

She has agreed to be my submissive. But she did not expect exactly what that would entail. I dominate in a way that few, if any men do. Like bringing her pleasure but denying intercourse, even when I wanted to. It takes self discipline. But I even explained it makes her think about me more. It intensifies the next time we do have sex. I want her to need me, want me more than any man she has ever known.

Explaining it does not decrease the effect. In fact, the opposite. It is absolutely not a rejection but attaining something deeper. She understands it. 

I have a feeling that no matter where this goes, we will gain a bond that will last many years, possibly for life. That's big for me. And just what I want with her. Something that goes beyond the physical. 

Sensual addiction

I have to admit to the fact that I am a sensual/sexual addict.

That's one of the reasons I have been celibate for so long. Once I get started with sex, it is difficult to stop. I think about it a lot. I have made bad decisions about things in the past because of it but it rather takes me over.

Now that I am in a sensual relationship with someone, one of two things will have to happen. Either the intensity will have to increase or I will have to find multiple partners. 

I had actually hit the point where I had questioned if I had erectile dysfunction or could simply not have sex as I did when I was younger. Looks like that is not the case. My hormones and muscle tone is changing, reverting. So my sex drive is increasing substantially. 

Makes it even worse that I am not working right now and NOT under a lot of stress. 

She seems amenable to increasing this but then arrives late and cannot stay very long. 

I've been honest. That's all I can do. 

Few minutes later, I have to edit this for my own honesty. Have to face myself.

It's not so much about sex. That's definitely a large part of it. But more about emotions.

The more emotionally bound I am, the more my sex drive increases. My sex drive and emotions are completely linked. However, it reaches the point where I am all in or must protect myself. Sex is just a manifestation of that. 

When I had multiple sex partners in the past, it always followed the same pattern. I was involved with one woman whom I was emotionally bound to but sensed it was not being returned. Being with another woman was a means of buffering that because of my fear. In each case, I wound up committing to my emotions but the fear wound up being quite justified. 

I'm just not sure in this case, even with the complexity of the arrangement. I can actually say I love her at some level but of course it cannot be absolute. Better it's not at this point. 

The end point is that I don't really want to see other women. But it all depends on what happens from here. Even if I see other women, I do not want to stop spending time with her. She will take precedence. I'd rather spend a few hours with her and not have sex than spend hours having sex with someone else. So I am obviously not thinking with my dick. 

Sometimes I wish I could do that.

Changing health theory

I am beginning to question what is wrong with my health.

Is it possible that ulcerative colitis is true but secondary to Candidiasis? I have had the belief that UC made me more prone to Candidiasis. What if it is the other way around?

Once before and now again my health has improved (slowly) if I addressed Candidiasis. When I had the colonoscopy, the night before I had to completely clean myself out. That's understandable. But what if that merely cleared out the Candida so it was not visible? The only thing that would be seen would be the damage it had caused. I had also been taking steps just before then to address Candidiasis, so there may have been little to clear out at the time. 

I have known for decades I am far more prone to fungal infection than bacterial or even viral. That in itself DOES indicate an autoimmune disorder. My immune system is on continual hyperdrive. But only against bacteria. 

Going to keep up the regimen to control the Candida and maybe test myself on foods I have omitted from my diet. In a few weeks or months. No sooner. That would give me an answer.

Had a bout of insomnia last night. Strange dreams. Went to bed and to sleep around 10:30 and woke up around 12:30. I'd had a headache all day yesterday yet strangely it was gone when I woke up at 12:30. Took until almost 4 to get back to sleep. Got up a few minutes after 8. Pretty sure it was related to the health issues. But not in a bad way. Think it was final stages of getting better.

My gut feels better than it had for quite some time. No more bloating. But I've lost a lot of weight.

I think the vinegar tablets help a lot more than the liquid but the liquid got things started. The tablets reach further into the intestinal tract before they are neutralized by the body. I actually think it takes a long time to clear Candida because it goes all the way through the intestines. As you use vinegar to clear it out, it starts at the top and is quickly neutralized. Treatment must be fairly continuous or it just grows right back from where it remains in the lower intestines. So it basically does no good to treat it unless you keep treating it until the entire digestive tract is back in balance. 

As Candida does off it releases toxins, making you feel worse. It's the same chemical which causes a hangover. When a lot of it dies off, symptoms become severe. That would explain the headache yesterday. I just got the vinegar tablets day before yesterday and started taking a lot of them. Very slight headache today but not nearly as bad. Brain fog is gone, which had also gotten pretty bad. 

Going to stick with my current regimen for a few months before considering any changes. I will know if it is effective if I start gaining some weight, meaning my body is absorbing more nutrients. For now I am happy to not have gut pain or nausea for a change. 

Anxiety

Not sure why I am awake. Went to bed, went to sleep and woke up. What I'm writing now has nothing to do with that, though. Odd thing is that I had a headache all day and now that's gone. No idea what that means. Insomnia but headache is cured? WTF?

I have to admit that the relationship I am in is causing anxiety. My fear of abandonment is quite real. Makes me feel like a drama queen sometimes but it's a part of me. 

If I allow my emotions free rein, put my heart into something, it is total and there's no turning back. 

My way of protecting myself may not be healthy and can be quite damaging. Guess the best I can say is that I tend to rely on back-ups. I am most comfortable if I have multiple vehicles (at least a car and a motorcycle) in case one breaks down. At this point I have a computer (main not working right now), back up computer, laptop, tablet and smart phone. In addition to the smart phone, I have a VOIP phone. And so it goes with women. At least until I feel secure. 

I know, in a way that sounds cold. In my younger days I can say I was not completely open about it. Now I am not completely open but never dishonest. Last time I had multiple lovers was 1992, I think. I have not promised this lady I would be faithful and she understands. It's a difficult situation with her being married. No matter the status of her marriage. 

On the other hand, I have taken down my single's ads. Have not renewed (but not taken down) my CL posts in weeks. They fade into background noise very quickly. I do have a page on Fetlife but that's more to socialize with people who are also into BDSM, which is a specific subculture with rather strict rules of behavior. Swingers are accepted more openly than most of society but generally viewed as a separate group. I'm sure some beginners may fall for it but most avoid it, from what I've seen. 

I do not use any form of protection with this lady. I have no diseases and rather unlikely she does, since she has been unwillingly celibate for years. If I happen to sleep with anyone else, I will definitely use protection with them. While I may not be fully actively seeking another partner, I am not closed to it. 

The worst part of this is that I wish she could sleep here at least once in a while. First time in many years I have even wished for that. No, it's not a situation of only wishing for something because it cannot happen. I'm not prone to that. It's because I feel that close to her. Though I am not great company in the morning. So maybe it's better for her this way. lol! 

Oh, well. I think I will seek out another lover. At least on the physical level. Ah, who am I kidding? There has to be something more than physical for me. Always. Just less than what I have with this lady. For now. 

Broken cycle

Looks like I finally broke the Candidiasis cycle. Does not happen overnight and involves numerous remission episodes before it is complete. 

I was drinking apple cider vinegar several times a day, which gives me nausea in liquid form. Got the tablets yesterday, so going to take that and probiotics several times a day for a while to be sure it is truly out of my system.

Obviously those are things I cannot afford to skip or omit from my routine.

Had an interview this morning with a financial group. For a position selling mortgage insurance. Means I would have to get an insurance license. The company sounds promising. More ethical than most insurance companies. I actually think I could do this with this company. 

Still, I expect to have an interview with another company working from home in the next week or so.

Finally got the backup computer. Still waiting on the cable to get the main computer running. Installed the video card in this one and adjusted so the video runs smoothly. Have to tinker with it a bit more and expect to get my YouTube channel up and running by tomorrow night. Have to mess with angles, lighting, video and sound. The microphone has decent sound, so I'm happy with it. 

Once that's going, see what it takes to get a Patreon account. Get a website going in the near future. Link social media to all of it. 

I can call my lady friend my lover at this point. We are cautious. Neither one of us are out to hurt anyone. I expect she may leave her husband in the near future but she is definitely not dependent. I was right about her having her own money. She owns several properties which she receives rent from. Not all that likely she would look to be living with me, as she has a number of animals. Not that I would mind. In fact, I would not want to wind up dependent on her. 

That is all just logistics and doesn't matter much. I love her company on many levels. I get horny thinking about her. Apparently that is mutual. I even avoided changing clothes after she left last night because my clothes still had her aroma on them. 

This is getting more intense. She is more sensual than any women I have been with in my life. Sensual as opposed to merely sexual. Most people don't even understand what sensuality is. Plus she is more socially aware than any woman I have ever been with. We do have some disagreements politically but I don't mind that. Being with someone you agree with on everything is boring. And I have no interest in a woman who will not stand up to me. Still, I admit that I can be intimidating, even when I do not mean to be. She has pointed this out. I am changing her mind on a few things. 

Actually, I am changing a lot of minds on a lot of things lately. For that, I am happy. 

Looking more like the prophecy about me being a leader is going to happen. I've avoided it most of my life. Not like being elected to office. I knew if it ever happened it would be more of an ideological situation. Which is what I prefer. I want to change minds. I want to lead people into a mindset where they actually question, observe and think. 

I wrote this morning, "Do not be in so much NEED of a leader that you blind yourself to the path they lead you on." That one seems to have struck a chord. 

So, much of the writing I have done for the past few years will go into my initial videos. I have enough material going into those that I could continue that for a very long time but I am still writing new stuff all the time. I doubt that I will start off doing a video every day but maybe a couple a week. Or several a day. Can always record several in one day and save them to release on a scheduled basis. Just playing it by ear for now. Take my time and establish a pattern that works for me. 

Ongoing cycle

Still fighting to get my body into some form of homeostasis. 

The Candidiasis keeps getting better then worse, then better then worse.

Still waiting for the vinegar tablets to arrive. I can really only tolerate drinking so much vinegar in a day without getting nauseated from it. The tablets don't cause that problem. 

When it improves it may not seem like it so much. When a lot of the Candida dies off quickly, it releases a lot of gas into my intestines. It also makes that gas smell embarrassingly horrible. There's a reason for that. As it does off, it uncovers open wounds in the intestines which it had caused. That causes internal bleeding, which results in the odor. 

Bad part is that I feel much better at that point.

When it dies off, it also makes my hands tingle. That's because the blood flow had been constricted while it was increased and my sensation gradually decreased. Once it does off, circulation returns and sensation increases, but if it had been decreased for a long time some capillaries may have actually closed off, so the body is forming new ones. 

It's easy to visually tell when blood flow is back to normal. I do still have very large veins in my arms and hands. They stand out a lot when blood flow is back to normal. 

Unfortunately for now overgrowth can occur again in only a few hours. It's getting longer and longer for that to happen but I can watch the veins in my hands to know when it is happening. I've finally taken to keeping a bottle of vinegar next to the computer. 

Another bad thing is that as it does off, it causes a bad backache. I only have theories as to why that happens but it affects the same area I injured many years ago. I wind up having to pop my back numerous times a day, as often as 3 times an hour.  

I have a job interview set for Tue morning at 11. As an insurance agent. Mostly mortgage insurance. The company sounds ethical, at least in how they treat agents. It actually sounds like something I could enjoy. Pay ranges as high as over $200k a year. I only applied part time to start. 

If my resume gets attention, I should be interviewing for the HEDIS position soon also. 

I'll compare and decide if I want either one. If they hire me, of course. If not, I'll have to start getting out and looking for something else.

Health changes

Think I already mentioned that I had gained weight since moving here. I thought it was a good thing but turns out not so much. It was actually a sign of the return of Candidiasis. 

Took a while but I seem to have that back under control. It got out of control because I had run out of a couple of supplements and for various reasons did not reorder them for some time. Now I have purchased probiotics and took them in doses beyond label dosage. Been drinking apple cider vinegar. Can only tolerate so much of that, so I ordered tablet form. Looks like those are not optional. 

Biggest issue with that is that it runs in a cycle. UC makes me prone to Candidiasis. Candidiasis causes the UC to get worse. The combination grossly interferes with absorption of nutrients, making it more difficult for any damage to heal and allowing inflammation to set in, not just intestinal but systemic. It also decreases my appetite, so I take in even less of what is needed. 

The whole process is rather painless. At least for me. Major symptoms are loss of appetite (which I struggle with any way), weight gain (which as I said is caused by inflammation and is deceptive), brain fog and narrowing of my veins. And gas. 

Killing off the Candida does not happen overnight and makes symptoms much worse before they get better. Candida releases the same chemicals into your system that a hangover does. But it's not sudden or temporary, it comes on slowly and is continuous. So it's vague and not so obvious. Just imagine having a low level hangover for weeks or even months. 

Any way, Trying to get my energy back. I've lost the weight I gained. Probably dropped 8-10 lbs in the last 2 weeks. Not having so much gas any more. 

Have to finish working on the van today. At least the spark plugs, for which I have to remove the intake manifold. I hate modern vehicles. I really do. 

Hope to hear back more on the job I applied for soon. New computer should be here tomorrow. Get the YouTube channel up and running. Seems like a good time for it.