Down mode with assistance

Been in a down cycle for a couple of weeks. Haven't gotten that much writing done on the book. Been busy at work. Have two chapters written, though intend to add to each. 

Making it all better was getting screwed on my taxes. Paid a fine for not having health insurance. Something which was not supposed to be happening any more but conveniently goes into effect in 2020. Just in time for the next presidential race. Funny how that works.

Also not helping is forced celibacy. Even that would not be so bad but she doesn't notice I barely talk about myself on personal matters any more. Tried talking last Sunday about how I feel about writing the book, which is personal. She interrupted me to tell me her cousin has an art show. While it is a big art show in Venice, Italy, it also showed she was surfing her phone and what I had to say didn't matter. She never noticed the look in my eyes or that I simply did not bring the subject up again. Was talking about daughter one day on the phone. She interrupted to say she was walking in some place to shop. The conversation about daughter ended there and did not resume. 

The book is the most major thing I have going on. Though I have increased visibility on Medium to roughly 1600 views a month. (Per day would be much better but that's a big increase.) Yet it feels like if I am in pain, I just have to deal with it. If I am down, she's more down. If I am horny or lacking affection, too bad. 

I need more than this. Or less. 

Started my book

I started working on my book this week. Haven't gotten far, been a busy week at work. Trying to maintain my regular writing schedule in addition to writing the book. Haven't even been able to do my regular writing this week, so just finished my second article this week as of tonight. 

I think if I write a page or 2 a day, I can finish the book in as little as 2 months. Shooting for maybe 150 pages. The exact organization and format are still developing as I write but mainly focusing on rather abstract concepts that have a broad application. Then using concrete examples. 

Small example, one of the first chapters will be about indoctrination. Such as how military contractors donate money (obtained through taxpayer funded contracts) to politicians and advertise on corporate media. The media reports stories to make people afraid, feeling unsafe. People feeling afraid want to be protected, so they vote for the candidate that promises to spend more on "defense" than their opponent or predecessor. They do this by awarding contracts to military contractors and the cycle continues. 

Also, been in a down cycle. Not depressed but not happy. Hits my motivation pretty hard. That was also made better by daughter saying she did not want to come over this weekend. (We had talked about why and I understand.) Plus gf had her eye surgery this week and hasn't been able to drive. 

Oh, well. We went back into the cycle that everything is about her. She hasn't even noticed that I've basically stopped talking about myself. I just listen. Sex? Twice a month at most. for the next couple of weeks even if that happens, it has to be low intensity. 

That's okay. My libido is low. Can't really decide if my emotions are causing that or the other way around. In any case, I have found my libido is more tied to my sense of well being than I thought. The higher my libido goes, the healthier I feel in general, physically and emotionally. Doesn't matter at all if I act on it.

So, tried an experiment tonight. Tried some Muira Puama bark powder. It increased my libido, so I felt better. Still tired but swinging my schedule around after working last night. And it got cold again. But it worked well enough that I ordered a pound of it from Amazon. Maybe it will help improve my mood. I have a feeling this down cycle may last a while.

No point talking about it, though.