Hmm

Still looks like promises will go nowhere.

She had said she would come over yesterday after getting her hair done. Insinuation was intimate. Appointment was at 11. She got here after 4. Said she had not slept at all the night before.

Of course, I'm not going to push anything when she hasn't slept. Neither would enjoy it that much. 

I made her something simple to eat. She had not eaten. We talked. I gave her a massage to help her sleep better when she got home. 

Maybe all she's saying is all accurate. Maybe I could talk more about my feelings. Just not seeing much of a point to doing so. 

Not seeing any of the promises coming to fruition. Not going to ask any more. Not going to make it a confrontation, of course. Just have to face facts. 

I also see the signs she is thinking about all the things she has where she is. It's not a question that I have far less money than she is used to having. I knew that. I've brought it up. She said it was not an issue but it's clear it's on her mind. That's natural. Not holding that against her. Just a disappointment on my part. I'd even be fine if she was more open and said it really is an issue and define our relationship more clearly from there. Not expecting that to happen, though. 

I love her and will keep seeing her. Not completely certain as yet if I will keep it exclusive. Depends on how things play out from here. Not going to let myself get emotionally destroyed. 

Once I am through training for this job, most likely I will see if I can get an additional job part-time and rebuild my finances. Do something more for my own and daughter's future. 

Sexually, yes I want more. I'd rather have my emotions and libido focused completely with only her. Not happening. Those promises have definitely fallen short. BDSM? Nope. At this point I have not had a blowjob in 11-12 years. Of course, most of that was my own choice. WTF is it with me winding up with women that don't do that? 

So, yes I am seriously considering moving outside this relationship in that respect. 

Talked

So, she came over Tue night. 

Lately, she had been sitting further away from me, seeming like she was mostly avoiding much direct contact. That happened at the beginning of the night. I was seriously ready to say the words that I was going to start seeing other women. I didn't want to utter the words. 

Ultimately, we laid down together, fully clothed. I finally let it be known that it seemed very much like she was no longer attracted to me and was pulling away from me. Told her if that is what she wanted, then I needed to hear it from her. I let her know that my fear of abandonment is a real issue for me and I have been through the process of someone pulling away more than once.

She told me very much that is not what she wants. She said she did not want me to think she only came over here for sex. That is obvious on both sides of this equation. It is by no means all I want from her. Though it's not something I want left out, either.

Looks like we both proved we are still attracted to each other that night. Very much so. 

We did talk about spending time together and having our ceremony. 

Now that I am working, things will be a bit more difficult, time-wise. My schedule for training seriously sucks. But I am waiting to see how it goes after that. The pay is low, so I have to try and get more hours but balance that with seeing each other. 

I may not remain here. Depends on several factors, of course. There is room for advancement and if that happens quickly, I'll be more likely to stay. Otherwise, I will still keep my resume updated and my ears open. 

Revelation

I arrived at a revelation today.

This afternoon, she told me she is going to start getting up in the morning and going to the gym. Five days a week. I did not say it but that upset me. It hurt. I've wanted more time with her for months and she has been sleeping later and later. Now I get a job and she decides she is going to get up early?

I was thinking about saying something. I still may. 

While thinking about it, that was when the revelation came. 

She is sabotaging our relationship. Not sure how much of it is intentional. I know at least some of it is absolutely intentional. All the pieces fit into place now. 

I have felt she loves me but her behavior in many ways has not reflected that. Like every time she learns I enjoy or look forward to something, she avoids it. I've listed things before, no need to do it again.

I've seen this before. The sabotaging of a relationship. It means she is not afraid of our relationship failing. She is afraid of it succeeding. 

So, I am torn about whether to discuss this. Mostly it comes down to whether anything changes for the better now that I am working. If it does not, then I will have to discuss it in plain language. Maybe I should, any way. Ask her outright where she really wants this relationship to go. 

First day of work

Today will be my first day at the new job. Not sure how long I will be working today. They changed the day and time several times. First it was supposed to be Wed. Then Fri 8 AM. Yesterday I stopped in to pick up uniforms, which had not been ordered yet. Just wear my black scrubs today. Then they said be there ate 10:30 this morning.

I have a feeling I am going to have to seek additional employment besides this.

GF came by yesterday. We won't see each other for a few days. 

Now that she is done with her antibiotics, she has barely slept for several days. Not much intimacy or affection between us. We were more intimate the day before but even then it was sudden. Felt rushed.

So I am going to just put all the chains and bondage gear in storage. If this goes south I think I'll spend some time working extra hours and going to karaoke. Let my hormones cool off again. Not seeing any hope on that. Seal that part of myself off again.

Guess I can spend extra time at the gym too. I was considering that, any way. Not sure what my schedule is going to look like. I may wind up working until closing often and get off work around 8 PM. Not much to do after that time, so the gym will be my best option. That's okay. Get in even better shape. See how far I can take this. 

Started doing some shoulder exercises and have some pain related to that. I have to be careful with that. If I build my shoulders too fast, that may be what will cause the pain from rotator cuff impingement syndrome to return. I understand the mechanics of it better than I used to, so doing some stretching exercises to see if that helps prevent major problems. For now, my arms are more built up than my shoulders are, so it looks odd. Definitely shows I have been doing isolation exercises. There may be a limit to how much I can build my shoulders. 

Tentative search

I've begun a tentative search for another lover. Not a relationship, just a bed partner.

I'm at that point now. Yesterday she came over. Hours later than she had stated. No TV. For one thing, internet went down and all shows I have are dependent on that. We ate, we talked. 

I did not even get a kiss until she was leaving. In the parking lot through the car window. 

Last night she didn't sleep. Out of one medication. So she is trying to sleep now. Meaning I will not see her before late evening, if then.

While she was here she did not notice I was continually stretching, moving around and rubbing my own arms. I was genuinely sore from all I've done at the gym and changes to my workout. I didn't make any big deal of it. Though she claims to pay attention to me. Obviously, not so much.

Later she wanted to trade romantic memes online. Which seems to be the extent of our romance now. She wants me to write her romantic emails and such. I did not respond the way she wanted me to, so got upset. I told her I was tired and sore. She said she would have given me a massage while she was here if I had asked. 

That's just it. Why do I have to ask? If she shows signs of being sore, I ask her. She does not have to tell me. I don't want to have to demand everything. That's not how it should go. 

Maybe I want too much. Maybe I'm unrealistic. Maybe I pay too much attention to the person I am with and think they should be the same. Especially when they claim to be the same way. 

She wants me to write her romantic emails and such. Right now I can't. Once again, I feel like I am giving emotionally and paying attention, keeping promises and none of that is being returned. Yes, she comes over here. Yes, she brings me some food. I cannot go to her. Premade food doesn't mean that much to me. It costs money but I don't care about money. 

Yes, obviously I am too demanding. Unrealistically so. However, that's not going to change. 

Six pack!

I can hardly believe it. I was changing my shirt when I looked in the mirror while passing the bathroom. The light was oblique because the bathroom light was off. That was when I noticed I'm actually developing a six pack stomach! I've had pretty strong core muscles much of my life, largely hidden by extra weight or inflammation. Now none of that is there and I've been working on my stomach a bit. Can't even do as many crunches as I could years ago. So this was a surprise. 

Chest is getting bigger. The chest press alone did some good but I could see quickly not the results I wanted. So now I started doing both press and flies, both at various angles for upper and lower chest. That's finally getting the results I want fairly rapidly, so my anterior chest is larger than my abdomen. 

Started getting back to some aerobic exercise today. Not much, just as a warmup. Learned my lesson the last time. I need to build muscle mass before I go too hard on aerobics. The aerobics are probably what caused me to lose excess weight the last time. Besides, the more muscle mass I build up first, the easier building aerobic ability will be. 

Started this 3/19, continuing on 3/20.

Woke up in the middle of the night. Could not get back to sleep. Tried a couple of times, finally gave up and went to the gym in an attempt to wear myself out enough to get more sleep. Kind of worked. I came home and got a couple more hours of sleep. 

One thing, I wanted to get things done early because my gf said she would be here at lunchtime today. After a nap, went and got cigarettes and a few things from Dollar Tree. It's after 2 PM. She's not here yet.

Got a call from new employer. They dropped the ball on getting my documentation together. So instead of Wed, I start on Fri at 8 AM. Tentatively. Even that may change. 

They also wanted my GED with test scores. So I had to pay for that. At least it was only $5. Already sent that off.

Back to stuff about the gym. At least it's a positive.

I'm seeing more results on my butt. Looks like my sag is almost gone, even at rest. That has taken doing hip abductions to build up my lateral hips. Or at least it seems to help. 

I plan on doing more leg exercises to build up my legs again. Not doing badly but not great. My legs are a lot thinner than they used to be. And weaker. I want to get back to doing leg presses of at least 600 lbs. I used to do over 800. At this age, that would be overkill and could cause knee problems to recur. I'll keep it realistic. Or I may just stick to the maximum of the machine, which is around 400. That's healthy and will build my leg muscles if I do enough repetitions. They do have an inverted leg press which may allow for more but haven't tried that one yet. 

Any way, it should be obvious I am happy with what I am doing at the gym. It may not be such a big deal but for all the health problems I have struggled through for a while. I had reached a point where I had somewhat resigned myself to my health declining. Not for lack of effort against it. I'm really happy I am regaining my health to a large degree. If I can take some aspects of that beyond where I've ever been and do so at this age, it will make me even happier. Not exactly the kind to sit on the porch, give up or give in. 

Dishonest with myself

Well, I was trying to be dishonest with myself in saying "all emotion aside".

If I set all emotion aside, I have no libido. Being with her awakened that part of me. But it is also what is leaving me frustrated. I'm still just trying to insulate myself. I'm disappointed emotionally. Once that part of me is awakened again, it cannot be ignored. It's part of me. I ignored that part of myself for over 8 years. I cannot be IN a relationship and still ignore it. It just does not work for me. 

Leaving that part of me out means leaving me not whole. It also means that part of me does not matter. What other parts of me do not matter? 

One thing is true. I still feel connected to her. Though that connection is fading because what we discussed on multiple levels has not come to be. I would even marry her. IF it turns into what we discussed. Then I would more trust in other things we discussed. For now, it all seems like an illusion. So, what is true is that if I do not marry her, I will probably never marry again at all. Why would I? If I have to think about someone else's feelings and my own are ignored, what is in it for me? Been down that road too many times. Never again. 

Looked up my college transcripts today. I had copies of them. They do not include my GED credits. So I have to call about that in the morning. That would be a truly stupid thing to hold me back from starting a job.

I think I will still get more applications out in the morning as well. Just in case they want to be that ridiculous. Maybe they are not reading their own corporate rules correctly. When you have a higher form of education, a diploma or GED is redundant. 

Think I am seeing signs of the infamous AL education standards here. 

Have to wait and see. 

Update 3-17-18

After my last post, she called me. I almost didn't answer but I did. She was on her way over here. I did not force any confrontation but did let it be known I was not happy. If she had texted, I would not have replied until at least Sunday.

She came over that night and yesterday. We spent time together. No sex but close and mostly with the TV off. That made me feel better.

Still, I am waiting to see how the next week plays out. Put any emotional arguments aside, I need sex. On my own terms. Hours at a time, uninhibited, unromantic, exhausting sex. Yes, I define it as a need, not a want. 

Not sure what the deal is with me and Fri nights. I got some sleep last night but not much. Roughly 4-5 hours. Woke up and could not get back to sleep. Not feeling bad or sick in any way. Just no longer sleepy.

Slowed down at the gym again. Mostly because I am adapting to gaining muscle. Not in pain but uncomfortable. Gaining muscle mass changes your balance, your movements. It does take some adjusting. I've gained on arms, chest, shoulders, hips, butt and calves. Maybe thighs as well but less visually noticeable. I think I've even gained in my feet. That would make sense, as I've been doing toe raises on the squat machine for my calves. The feet support everything else. So all of that results in changes. Not bad changes but ones to get used to. 

Not sure about the job I was offered. They are asking for my GED certificate. I don't have that. Have to see if and when I can obtain it. Nobody has asked for that since I either joined the Army or when I started college. At latest, when I applied to nursing school in 1993. Being ex-military and having a nursing license tends to negate the need for a GED or diploma. 

So, if that is going to be a big problem, I think I will be getting my applications back out. I have to find something really soon.

I cashed in most of my remaining cryptocurrency yesterday. No choice. I'll buy back in when I have the money for it. May look further into other coins than the ones I have been holding. Which I was planning on at some point. 

There has been a big Establishment move against crypto rising. That was expected. The reaction of skittish people was less expected. There was a huge selloff, driving values down. Oh, well. I do not see it being killed off, no matter how they try. But Wall Street is running scared.

I regained my motivation and started writing and doing videos again. One on antidepressants as so long I broke it in two parts. Mostly because people against stricter gun laws have been trying to divert attention from guns to mental health and medications. Those medications help millions of people. And there are definite reasons they have become so widespread. Failing economy, failing education system, 17 years of war, continuous scare tactics by the media and on and on. Any way, in getting more pieces out for publication, found some settings that had to be revised which explained why I have not made any money at all. It should be more straightforward but companies do what they can to make it difficult to get paid for your work while they make money from your writing. Hoping to start making something from it, if only a little. 

Karaoke

I'm going to karaoke tonight.

I was right. She allegedly did not wake up until about noon. Then said she would be here at 5. Started making excuses long in advance of 5. It's now 5:40 and nothing.

I sent her a text message. "Just stay home."

No plans on responding to anything else tonight. Maybe not tomorrow or over the weekend. 

Got a job!

Finally found a job!

It's going to be at a plasma center nearby. So it should be pretty low stress. Not really sure of the hours yet. The pay is the lowest I've made in a decade. I can ask for more and hope to get it. Otherwise, there is room for advancement. It's enough to live on plus a little more. Long as I get enough hours. Starting off they said I will get 40 hours during training. Then they seem to be short of staff, so maybe beyond that. Goes up or down according to business. 

Obviously not completely sure how it will turn out in the long run but I'm willing to give it a shot. 

She came over for a few hours yesterday. I was happy to see her and spend some time together. She did not come over today. Too sick from the antibiotics from a UTI. I believe that. She said she will come over tomorrow around noon. Honestly. I will believe that when it happens. Sounds bad but based on evidence and the fact that she does not feel well.. 

She was offered a job as well, working from home doing programming. Pays a lot better than my job. She says she is going to keep a separate bank account from her husband. He doesn't know it yet. She wants to save money for us to move in together. So do I. Together, we can do it.

I'm hoping that if we are both working, it will result in us having MORE time together. At least more time in the days we see each other. Maybe that will change things for the better. Have to wait and see. She is nervous about me going back to work. maybe that will be enough? I hope so. I still want what we had talked about in the beginning. It just hasn't seemed likely.

Oh, well. Not going to be seeing anyone else. Want to see if these things are positive changes. 

Looks like the change from the pec fly to chest press is really effective. My chest size is exploding! I think this is probably the largest my chest has ever been. At least the most defined. Still want to keep at it until my chest is noticeably larger than my abdomen. My chest circumference already is because my lat muscles are building back up. Can see the definition there too. Happy I'm not getting shoulder pain from all of this so far. Taking the shoulders slower than other things. 

Changed some exercises to better develop my lateral biceps. Medial biceps are used more with everyone, so naturally stronger and better developed. But for appearance and general strength its good to build lateral biceps. It also expands the entire bicep a lot more, gives more definition. Results in greater overall strength. But have to use much lower weight stacks, since they are less developed for now. Give it time. 

I think I will be able to start getting more writing and maybe videos done now. I really needed something going my direction besides just the gym. Now my motivation is coming back. Of course, I'll have less time to be doing it now. Oh, well. I'll still keep at it and hope it starts paying at some point.

A week or two ago I wrote a pive comparing the NRA to a terrorist cult. Then someone posted a pic of a billboard saying the same thing. Today Black Lives Matter said the same thing! I was ahead of the curve! 

Unfortunately, it really looks like a war with Russia is coming. Really nervous about moves by the US in Syria leading to a confrontation. Not to mention the UK, claiming Russia murdered a former double agent in a way that makes no sense for Russia to have done, especially with the timing. 

There are moves to outlaw AR-15 rifles. So the NRA started a campaign blaming antidepressant medications for mass shooter behavior. Going to write and article that will piss a lot of people off but hopefully open some eyes. I already have pissed people off by saying they should let me know when someone shoots a bunch of people using a pill bottle. Seriously, their attitude is to take the medications (for existing depression) away that help millions of people but keep the weapons designed for the sole purpose of killing. Really? 

Still sick

Well, been since Thur that I've seen her. 

Said she would be here Fri. Didn't happen. Sun. Nope. Today. Nope. 

Mondays are usually the day I can count on seeing her. She said the doctor said the antibiotic she was on was the wrong one for the infection she has. So they had to change that. She did not feel well enough to come over. 

I understand her being sick. I do. Once again, not about sex but in this situation it's not like I can go see her. So I wind up basically celibate and alone. We talked on the phone for a long time this evening but it's not the same. Not like we are in different cities. 

It would be different for me if not on top of other things I've already written about. 

It also seems strange that this all happens right after I said we would be turning off the TV more. Just coincidence? Maybe. Just like it was coincidence that she could not get here early in the day after I said some things we talked about would require more hours in a single day. Since then, she has not been able to get here early. Not for our ceremony, not for other things. 

I've tried looking at all of this objectively and think I've done a good job of it. It's not like my wants and needs have not been detailed. Not like they have been observed. 

Not certain what I am going to do. Part of me still wants to believe. But I have gone from belief to hope to questioning to doubt to no longer believing. Anything left is really emotional fixation. Superstition. Waning addiction in withdrawal. 

Gains and losses *slightly graphic*

With my exercise efforts at the gym and at home, I am seeing some pretty good results at this point.

I am doing more focused exercise to build up certain areas than I have ever done before. In past exercise programs, I focused more on general strength. Not even so much on mass. Most of my life, I could never gain much muscle mass. I have to reach fairly extreme weight levels before I gain any mass. However, I am succeeding this time by going to the gym frequently and highly focused workouts. 

One thing I am focusing on is chest size. My chest has never been small but had become a bit saggy. Not any more. As of now, I think my chest size is the largest it has ever been. If not, definitely the largest since my early 30's. I'm still working on building more chest mass. This is really only for appearance, as it usually is for nearly anyone. There's not typically any functional use for overbuilt chest muscles, they just look good. I was doing pec flies, which did great but did some reading and am now trying chest presses, which many bodybuilders say build mass more quickly. I cannot lift quite as much with those, which tells me the pec flies are more functional in general. But I'll go with the press for a while and see what happens. 

I have a butt!! For the first time in my life, I have a butt!! The exercises I have been doing to build up my butt are working. My butt has always been flat. Now it has something of a shape. Not a lot yet but getting there. I have not been able to eliminate the slight sag yet while relaxed but it's not there if I tighten the muscles. That's an improvement. Some exercises I can do simply while sitting at the computer, by clenching and releasing buttock muscles. That may do more to eliminate the sag by building consistent tone than anything else. Building muscle mass helps too. BTW, any butt sag is not visible with my clothes on, so it's really about self image than anything else. 

I have almost completely lost my pelvic bulge. Also something I was never able to get rid of. Large part of that is because I have my UC under control, which of course I did not even know about when I was younger. Any way, my pelvis is flatter than ever. Nobody will know that with my clothes on, either, so again it only affects self image. 

Side effect of some of these exercises is that I am building my lateral hips. My hips have always been straight. Not expecting to build much laterally. That's more genetic than muscle, you can see that on body builders. 

Something which was not expected at first but a good thing is that the buttock and pelvic exercises have built up strength and endurance for pelvic thrusts, which come in handy in very certain conditions. Can put more force into pelvic thrusts than ever before. I like that.

I have been doing penis exercises again, which I had pretty much stopped doing for years. At this point, while doing those, it stretches all the way to the edge of my anterior hip. Which is kind of a race, since my hips are getting larger, as described above. Going to keep doing those and extend beyond my hip. In reality, over years, chances are there is no actual limit to how well that could work but there's a limit to how far I would want to. Becomes overkill beyond a certain point. Besides, the exercises are not a reflection of resting or erect state directly. It's the one part of the male body that can actually stretch beyond capacity during exercise. Just have to keep pushing that capacity. 

My stomach is flatter than it has been. Said before, I doubt I will get a six pack. I do not want to lose too much body fat, which is what it takes to have a six pack. I have definition. I'll stick with that and keep building endurance there. That's still difficult because the UC causes some pain during crunches. Though I think strengthening my abdominal muscles helps with supporting muscle tone, so in the long run reduces pain from the UC. So kind of a battle with that. 

Like I've said, most of this has more to do now with vanity than ability. Even with the penis exercises. With most of it, it's not what you have, it's what you do with it. I still want to have a positive self image. Not going to be an exhibitionist and start showing my body off. Good chance nobody will see the results except my gf and myself. I'm fine with that. It is about physical and emotional health. If she and I ever break up, at least I will not feel intimidated or ashamed to take my clothes off with any future lovers. In general, it builds my confidence in some ways. As I get older, it likely means I will maintain better health and more strength. No matter what, I do not have the body of the typical 56 year old man, which I will be next month. Most of the time I am the oldest man at the gym and always the oldest lifting the weight levels which I do. That puts me in a strong minority of the population. I want to keep building and reach an even smaller percentage. For my health and my ego. 

I may not have money but I want to keep a high IQ, mental acuity and physical ability. Those things cannot be replaced by money. Nor can ethics. Too many people reach my age and lose their ethics. They cannot see beyond themselves. I never want to be that way. 

Emotional resolution

Daughter had Daylight Savings Time Syndrome today. Slept late, did not want to go to the gym. 

I did not realize the time change was last night. Usually I am the one reminding other people. Barely anyone mentioned it this weekend, except to post about legislation ending DST in FL. Last night, I was heading to bed just before 2. Told daughter not to stay up too late. She looked at the TV and said, "OMG! It's 3 AM!" I had just looked at the time and it was approaching 2. TV said 3. Got back online to check and found that the time change was indeed for this morning/last night. 

I started doing some writing about subjects other than politics. Started writing a series I have considered for several years. Decided with mass shootings and widespread aggression, now was a good time for it. The series is about the male perspective in America today and what shapes it. What can be done about it at the personal level. The first part of the series was about male sensuality. Not sexuality. How our senses, especially touch, affect our health from birth to death. How males are too often denied touch unless it is in the context of violence or sex. Even in sex, it is often limited to specific parts of our bodies. The article can be found here: https://steemit.com/male/@andunityforall/male-sensuality 

Guess I have now gone through my stages of grief. I felt the separation forming and that was the reason for my depression a couple weeks ago. Yes, I had some anger. Denial. Closest I came to bargaining was trying to find other things she was interested in, like skating or going to the gym with me. Now I have reached acceptance. Have not ended our relationship but emotionally I would have to be convinced there is one to revive my emotions.

Today I realized all of this and that I am emotionally back where I was when formally single. 

Oh, my last post was started on Fri and posted early Sat morning just after MN, so the time stamp is for Sat. 

She had said she was going to come over Fri after the doc. I had doubted it but gave it the chance. Told me yesterday she would come over this evening and I did not think it would happen. It didn't. At this point it is looking like she is trying to reserve and then discard my time as though it doesn't matter. Keep me from doing anything else with anyone else. 

She says she's been sick from a UTI and then antibiotics. Sleeping on and off all day. Lately I text her and it can take hours to get a reply. That in itself can be a sign she is with someone else. I will say it's not always likely she is with someone else. She texted me a lot on Fri when she did not come over. So it's likely she was telling the truth then. Not sure about today. Maybe just my imagination gone wild. No matter what, I've detailed how I feel. 

Maybe she is ill. Still, I'm not giving this much more time. Not being fair to myself any more. 

TV

She went to see her doctor today. Most things looked good but she does have a UTI, which they started her on abx for.

I did tell her I want to watch less TV. Sadly, she sounded resistant to that idea. I then asked her if she wanted to keep the TV on. She finally said she knows I don't watch much TV and that we don't get much time together, so we shouldn't waste that time on TV.

That was an improvement from the way she sounded at first. But that is why I said it now via chat. I wanted to see what the reaction would be and give her time to think about it before I see her. 

She said she had been sick this week. I understand that but feel like it's one thing or another. Before this it has been things interfering with time, respiratory infection, anemia, depression. If everything interferes with intimacy, then all that tends to be left is watching TV together. Not like we can go out together in public and do much. Have to maintain some level of discretion. 

It's not a question, we both have health issues. She has more than I do but that cannot be helped. I understand all of that and take it seriously. 

I still love her very much. I still want the relationship and future that we had discussed. However, it does not take much for my need to protect myself to kick in. With good reason, considering my "romantic" history. Some of the things we discussed are things which are natural to happen early in a relationship, at least to some degree. If they keep getting kicked down the road, then it is a natural response to start questioning, if not now, then when? If ever? 

At what point do my wants, needs and feelings begin to count? Because in the end, that's what this is really about. If the answer is never, then I do know I am better off being alone. In being single and alone, there is always a measure of hope. There is the fact that nothing stops you from pursuing fulfillment of your own needs, even if in a fragmented manner. Better than keeping part of yourself closed off for good and knowing you gave up important parts of your being. Anyone expecting you to do that, tricking you into doing that, does not really love you. I've done that before and believed, truly believed that I had found someone with whom that would not happen. At this point, I'm deeply questioning that belief. It's not something I can do again. I would not be true to myself if I did. 

Rationale

Obviously, things keep rolling in my mind, whether I am being unreasonable or not on specific issues.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not. I did let her know who I am before we ever met. In fact, that is largely what led to us talking about more personal subjects she had not revealed to anyone else.

BDSM is a definite part of me. It is about, as I have stated many times, emotional and sensual intensity. Without it, I find the intensity less than I prefer and it seems to indicate trust is lacking in some way. 

There is no aspect of this we have not discussed. I have given no indication in any way that I would cause her any harm. 

I'm giving this one last shot. I am telling her that I am setting a new rule. We watch TV only one evening a week together. It's reached the point where I feel like she is more interested in the TV than in me. I've said before that we can watch TV any time while at home apart. Some things we cannot do while at home and apart.

Any way, as much as I love her, I am feeling like something is lacking and I have little or no control over it. I could be more aggressive about it but to me consent is everything. Otherwise it equates to abuse, little short of rape. 

Ambivalent

The more gradual approach either hasn't gotten through or my observations are correct.

She has spent a lot of time with me this week. Been here every day. I've said before I love her company, her presence.

However, most of that time has been spent watching shows on Hulu.

She says she is emotionally comfortable being with me. I believe that, it shows. 

Unfortunately, while she is comfortable, she does not seem to be excited to be with me any more. No real signs of that. It seems more like it is turning into a best friend or brother and sister situation more than lovers. 

I'm sure she would have sex with me more if I behaved more aggressively about it. Aggressive as in forcing the issue, putting aside how she feels and demanding it. That's not me. It has to come from both sides or it's no good. 

I don't mind being best friends. It just needs to be defined that way. If that is the case, then I should be free to sleep with anyone I choose without jealousy or harm being done. 

I've been understanding of her anxiety, depression and bouts of illness. Problem is, if that is going to be every day or she is just not really attracted to me in that way, then it should be brought out in the open. If she is waiting for something from me, I'm not sure what it is because she hasn't told me. 

I can't keep running around in these emotional circles. Putting myself aside all the time doesn't work for me any more. 

More gradual

My gf came over yesterday and today. We spent some time together. Mostly watching TV and talking but intimate as well.

I calmed myself down. Had to admit to myself that the largest part of my feelings have to do with losing her. Like I said previously, I did not want to have some talk which changed everything between us traumatically. So, I have started addressing some of my feelings in a way that would be seen as less confrontational. 

That leaves the door open for better communication from her and not making her feel like I am coming down on her too hard. She gets that from other places, so she does not need it from me. I have to take that into account. Still, I have to express my own feelings in some ways. 

One thing is absolutely true, though she denies it. She is still having guilt about being with me. Plus her husband still hasn't figured it out yet but keeps doing things to mess with her head. I am convinced it is because he sees her being happy at times, so his control is slipping and he knows it. His method of control is to oppress her.

I never related to that at all. Then again, I've tried to make past partners happy and have an emotional conditioning to thinking good things when they thought of me. That hasn't worked out so well. Does not mean I will change it. 

We will spend time together. She promises we will find ways to work our schedule when I start working. Though I have no question any long days of having sex are not going to happen.

I did state in no uncertain terms today that I am not into nothing but vanilla. Gave her credit for last week, while she had not considered that event. I just had to let it be known that a mundane sex life is not something I can be happy with permanently. Honestly, I did not say it but I'm not happy with that in the long term. Only exes that ever got the message wanted conflict, humiliation and abuse on very real levels, which I will not go along with. Not then, not now, not ever. 

Went to another job interview today. Seems like it went well. The interview itself lasted for 90 minutes. So, hopefully it will lead to something. Significant drop in pay but livable for here. May have to see if I can pick up OT, which sounds likely because they seem to have frequent staff shortages. Or keep trying to pick up additional income in other ways. 

Went to the gym right after the interview. Not sure if my body was unhappy from taking a week off or if I'm still in muscle breakdown. Could not reach my maximum weight levels on anything but the standing squat. Go again tomorrow and see if I do better. That will determine if it was the week off or muscle breakdown. I did not do enough today to make myself sore. I honestly think I'm still in muscle breakdown because I felt slightly sore before, during and after the workout. That's not normal for me. I did feel better after I was done but still sore. 

Got some protein powder a few days ago. Have to start drinking that after each workout, at least. Keep myself from losing weight. 

Addicted

I have to admit it to myself. I am addicted to pain.

I have been much of my life. I am just now realizing it. But like most things about me it is complex.

For the most part, I am not referring to physical pain. At least, that's not how I have interpreted it. I have put myself through a lot of pain in my life physically. Not attracted to things that do actual damage to me. But that's why I have endured extremely long hours, etc.

Mostly I have instead deferred pain to the emotional realm. Stayed in harmful relationships. Maybe I'm doing it again. 

Maybe not. I do love her and dread making some decision which destroys our relationship based on an impulse or obsession while not thinking clearly. Then again, I do not want to remain because I am not thinking clearly. 

No, actually I cannot say I am addicted to pain. I just refuse to let it control me. Now I have learned that even sensually, I have a high pain tolerance. Even if my body feels it, a switch in my brain turns it off and I refuse to recognize it. Right now I could actually deal with having enough pain to purge my soul and leave me exhausted. But that's not going to happen. Not unless I do it to myself at the gym. Can't do that today with a job interview Tue morning. 

Maybe after the interview. The gym is next door and I plan to take my gym clothes with me. 

Big problem is allowing someone to put me in pain requires the utmost trust for me. And I have only allowed one woman to do that in my life. My current gf. And my confusion about her is what is causing my pain. 

Have to try and get some sleep. Go to the gym when I wake up. 

Resolved

She came over tonight. We watched TV and cuddled. I love any time I get to spend with her.

I didn't talk about it. I've just resolved myself to the way this is going. The toys in the closet will remain toys in the closet. There will be no ceremony. Ever. No long days. 

I have to find a job and she is starting more classes. She plans on coming over sometimes after class if I'm not working. So that means a couple of hours a few times a week, if that. 

She told me she and her husband are going to be buying a house outside of town. Close to town but outside of town. If she lives 2 miles away and has problems getting away now, that will simply end it. I know it. It's not a question.

So I am going to tell her we need to redefine our relationship as just an affair. Explain why. 

That's okay. Better off than I was when I got here. Just be happy for what I've got and what I believed in. And accept it was all a fantasy. 

Letter

Couldn't sleep all night. Not because of nerves. Because obviously I still cannot eat ice cream. I have enough gas to fuel an ocean-going ferry.

Since I was awake, I wrote her a letter. I have not sent it. I still do not want to see other women. But I don't want this to continue the way it has.

At the very least, writing the letter helped me put things in my mind the way I want to express them. To be understood, not to hurt her. To let her know this is hurting me. 

I've already written about these things. I feel like I have gone back into the same pattern of putting my own needs aside for the sake of the other person. Like if I ask for anything, I am asking too much. 

I love her company but we can each watch TV and check messages any time. 

Is sex important to me? YES. There, I said it. I am not ashamed and should not have to be. If neither of us is sleeping around, there's no disease to worry about. She's not going to get pregnant. I love her in absolute truth. Where is there any shame? We talked about all of this. So, where did it go? I have no idea. 

So we have to talk. I'm not going to send her a letter or email. I express myself best that way but better in person. Then decide where we go from there.

I have had one additional thought. If I find out she HAS been reading this blog and KNOWS how I feel, then it's all over between us. It would mean she knew and did nothing. She just didn't care. There's no coming back from that. 

Never mind

Guess I spoke too soon in my last post. Maybe, maybe not.

The interview this afternoon was really just a screening call. Took like 10 minutes. Could have been done at any time. Still, my resume went forward for more review at the facility for possible live interview.

My gf said she would come over today. Said that several times this week, including yesterday. Today, it became later than expected. (It has never become earlier.) Then became she would come over at 4. Then it just never happened. 

Honestly, I expected that.

She started talking about coming over on Sun evening. I know that will not happen either.

She said today her husband blocked her SUV in the garage. (Long story.) I said she needs a motorbike. Forgot she has one. And an electric bike. I was pointing out that could get out even if the SUV was blocked in. She said she could see if they start. I suggested (not excitedly) she could maybe look at that this weekend. She said it would be too hard because she's depressed.

That was when it really hit me. She says she's depressed from being there and wants to spend time with me. I came up with a suggestion on how she could but she negated it. Obviously would rather sit there. 

I did not say much but my feelings showed, even through chat. She started asking me not to give up. I said I haven't and I have not. This time I did not say I will not. I'm sure she picked up on my wording.

The other day, I said I would make a decision by Friday. Now Sat morning (slightly) but I've decided. I am going to start seeing other women. Have not told her yet but will before doing so. Not breaking up with her unless that's what she wants. Not looking for anyone to replace her or get serious with but an emotional buffer and sexual release. Maybe then I will not go through these mood swings. Besides, give me something to do until I find a job. 

I know she will try and talk me out of it but actions speak louder than words. Not going to keep going this way. Even if I see nobody, I want the potential to be out there. I want to be honest about it. I'm not playing any kind of emotional games with her. I'm protecting myself. I love her but to a degree that I honestly place myself in danger emotionally. Not something I deal with well. I'd really rather not but the way things have gone have left my faith too low to believe much further. It's actually a better decision than simply breaking things off. This leaves more room for change and hope while also protecting my feelings to some degree. Not completely by any means. 

Great improvement

She came over yesterday and we did engage in some of the things we have discussed. I feel better physically and emotionally. 

I do wish it had continued much longer. Guess my sensual drive is much stronger than average or something. 

Though that was basically experimental for both of us. She was nervous at first but not for long. I'm just glad it did not affect her view of me in any negative way. Hope it develops further. 

Not sure I mentioned it yesterday but i have two interviews lined up now. One is a phone interview for the women's prison, psych unit. That one is later today. The other is on Tue for the plasma center. Hmm. Guess I may have mentioned that. I'll see how they go.

Taking a few days break from the gym entirely. Doing some light targeted exercises at home but I'm letting my body recover from pushing it into muscle breakdown. 

Happily, I seem to have balanced out. Not in any up or down cycle right now. My brain needed a break from that roller coaster. 

Back on the upswing?

She says she will be here around 3 and we are supposed to actually get involved in some things we have discussed before. 

I'm waiting to see. Hopefully. BDSM is actually a part of me but that is less of an issue than that we agreed on certain things. It's about my feelings, my trust. About making promises and keeping them. 

Any way, I also have some job interviews lined up. One for a psych unit at a prison. Yeah, that sounds exciting. Meaning potentially terrifying. lol! The other is for the plasma center nearby. I plan on doing both interviews and see how they go. If given an offer on both, I'll have to compare offers. Schedule, pay, conditions. 

Hoping this means I can get back on stable footing on all things. I'll know within a week.