One change back

Changed one thing back. I started back on Trazodone. Not taking it was disrupting my sleep and making my anxiety worse. I had thought of getting treatment a few years back for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's intermittent but definitely there. Really felt it at the gym today. 


Any way, I may cut the dose in half again, so I would be taking only 1/4 tablet. See how that does. 


May not be the medication messing with my motivation, any way. May just be a pulled ligament and my schedule. Plus my finances. I've been writing a lot while on Trazodone, so seems unlikely it's doing that. 


Daughter chose to go back to her mother's today instead of tomorrow. That made me sad. I didn't show it. This was the last week she could stay over until Monday afternoon. She's back in school next Monday. 


Make the most of it. Need a haircut pretty badly. Do that in the morning. Have lots of studying and writing to finish. Need to renew my CPR but that can happen next week. 


I need to do the CD for GF which is several weeks late. Was sick for a while, depressed for a while and schedule has been difficult to get that done. 


Finally made some homemade yeast doughnuts this weekend. Daughter loved them! I have dough in the fridge to make more tomorrow and take to work tomorrow night. I promised I would do so. 


GF has been busy today doing a newsletter. So I'm expecting if I see her tomorrow it will be late. Then I have to work tomorrow night. Would not be a surprise. For some time, still been more of a surprise when she does come over than when she doesn't. If she gets here before 5 (and doesn't have to leave) it's an actual shock. 


Yes, I love her very much. I have seen positive changes since we talked. But still being patient, cautious. Careful with my heart. 

Some changes

Since gf and I talked last week, I have been seeing some difference and effort on her part. I do sense some level of emotional restraint or insecurity on her part. That's to be expected for a short while. It's only a problem if it continues because that would be an indication that what we discussed isn't really what she wanted. It would mean she wanted things the way they had been going. However, she seems entirely sincere. 


Did not see each other very much this week because she was not feeling so well. I still am understanding of that and all else. I know this is not easy for her. Just being able to find a way to spend time with me is difficult. I'm not blind to any of that. 


This past week I stopped taking Trazodone. Seeing if that brings back my motivation a bit. Though my schedule has not helped in that regard much. I am sleeping less since I stopped taking it. That's not such a great thing. Though emotionally I am being slightly less reclusive. More jovial. Okay, a little. May be a good thing for me to stop it. It can reduce hemoglobin levels. Oddly, my leg pain has reduced since stopping it. Not sure if that's related or coincidence. 


Been checking my blood sugar more frequently lately. Turned out I was taking too much Creatine and it was driving my sugar too high for me, since I'm normally hypoglycemic. Even into a low diabetic range at some times. That probably reduced my appetite a lot. So I reduced the Creatine and sugar fell into a more normal range. 


Still, my UC has been giving me hell this week. Bowel habits changing. To some degree for the better but any change in that respect is an adjustment for the whole body. 


Daughter has to start back to school 8/6/18. I hate it. They keep cutting school vacations shorter for kids. Went to the orientation for her school last weekend. This school sounds harsh. Daughter sounded okay with it. Need to talk with her and tell her she can always talk with me about anything. Plus I want to review some self defense with her before school starts. 

The talk

GF came over last night and we talked. It was a difficult talk to have but it had to happen.

She asked if I had unfollowed her page and I said yes. She asked why and I told her. Then the discussion turned to the widening gap between us and I spoke honestly. Told her she was correct. Then explained why. That our relationship had become all about her. 

It became rather tense for me and she was in tears. It took several attempts to get her to listen to what I was saying and that I was not throwing her away, I was telling her how I felt. I illustrated by the fact that early in the discussion I was talking about inviting her over for lunch with daughter and I. She interrupted mid-sentence to talk about her blood sugar and blood pressure. I think that was when she got it. I explained that I spend all my time alone and then seem to be a servant of some kind when she's here. More than bf, any way. That I don't mind being her nurse, confidante, therapist, masseur, cook, etc but there has to be something in it for me.

I finally got through with all of that. Though she was so resistant to listening I had to fight the urge to tell her to go several times. If she had not listened at that point, I would have. Not to where she could not come back but to give her time to think about it.

After that, things changed radically. She promises to change things as much as she can. Of course, I have to wait and see if that happens. Words are easy. 

I still love her intensely. Otherwise I would not continue putting in the effort. I know only a certain amount can change for the time being. I accept that. I have always accepted certain limits. I just cannot accept a growing number of limits and no room for growth in our relationship. There is very little I have the ability to ask for realistically. 

Have to get to bed. Fell asleep sitting here. 

It's all clear

GF texted me today to say she understand how I have felt for weeks. Because she is depressed and lonely.

Basically, if I am depressed, she is more depressed. 

She said something sexually suggestive and then said she's a bad girl. I said "Maybe someday bad enough for chains." She replied "lol good". Then changed the subject immediately to her blood sugar.

It's unquestionable. I have become a nurse, a cook, a masseur and a Netflix buddy. There's nothing that tilts the balance in the direction of my wants and needs. 

So I care about her and she cares about her. This is familiar territory because I've been here several times. 

If I am going to be left as the only one that thinks about my concerns, then that is exactly what I am going to do. Not trying to do anything else any more. 

Disappointed

Never made it to the gym. I started writing instead.

Laid down for a while this afternoon. May have fallen asleep for a short while but don't think I did.

GF came over. We checked her blood sugar, ate, watched Netflix, I massaged her leg. Nothing else. Wish I could say I was surprised. I wasn't. 

Yep, decision made. Going to start checking out the 24 hours places next week after work in the mornings. Can go to the gym and then there. 

My depressive cycle is still ongoing but at this point it's less physical and more emotional. Not sure any of it is chemistry any more. Oh, well. I'll still deal with it and forge ahead. What else can I do?

Have to work tonight. Hope I have energy for the gym in the morning. I did start trying much harder to build triceps the other day. Been feeling it but not horribly. Bad thing is that I can't push to maximum limit of triceps and chest on the same day. Unless I switch my pattern, which I will try in the morning. Working my chest requires triceps use. If I exhaust those, can't do as much on chest press. Maybe if I do chest first I'll be able to do more. Worth a shot. In any case, if I want to build my arms up further, need to build triceps, not just biceps. In the long run, perhaps doing that will allow me to build chest faster? Wait and see. Could be that has held me back. 

Improving

Depressive cycle is improving. Coming out of it slowly. 

GF came over last night. I was happy about it and still am. Though she had said she was going to be here around 3. Then it became 4:30. She got here after 6. Stayed until 9, so I was happy of that. 

Today she says she will be here after she gets her hair done. Appointment is at 11. No idea how long it will take or what she will do after that and before coming over. Not expecting before 5. Been many months now that I've seen her before 5 unless she had to leave early. 

I love her. I'm just not happy with this situation. I really want to throw myself into this relationship again entirely with only as much reserve as the situation dictates. 

Had the urge last night after she left to go to karaoke at the place I checked out the other night. Decided against it. Though if something different doesn't happen today I am going to check out the 24 hours places tomorrow morning.

Yes, it has become difficult to write about how much I love her. Too much doubt and isolation now for me. It can turn around but not by anything I have control over. 

I can really only control what I do other than inside the relationship. So that appears at the moment to spend huge amounts of time alone and celibate. Leaving me prone to isolation and depression. No, I do not think my depressive cycle was solely chemical by any means. Or get involved in other endeavors, of which there seem to be few options available here. Or try and expand my social circle by some means. If by necessity that includes physical contact, I've been averse to that but becoming less so. For good reason. 

In the meantime, going to start getting back to the gym more. I've adjusted to my work schedule and managed to go to the gym after work yesterday morning. I just have to adjust my sleep schedule to compensate, so I'm not exhausted after work. Pisses me off they have the ab room closed and not opening for some time. I'd reduce my membership to the cheaper one if not for the tanning bed part. I may drive out to Prattville sometime and see what that club looks like. Have not yet been out to Prattville. 

I am doing slowly better on some things at the gym. Finally managed to get where my chest is larger than my abdomen. Not an easy thing to do at 56 years old. I slowed down on my progress on purpose since I am working and had reached a level where I was stressing bone and ligament to the danger point. Better to take it slower. I can build muscle mass at lower weight levels. Just focus more on endurance. I still push up to near my previous limits. With no ab room, I am focusing on building chest, biceps and triceps. I've gained a lot of muscle to my legs. Or should say REgained. My legs had gotten too skinny. Now I'm happy with them again. Lats are back as they were in my early 30's. Maybe larger. Working on shoulders at home and slowly to prevent impingement. No desire to be in that much pain. 

Happy to say my weight stabilized. Staying around 165. Learned I do not trust the scale at work. 

So, speaking of which, I am going to the gym in a few minutes. Come back and take a bath and a nap. Hopefully see gf later. Hopefully. 

The difference

Haven't heard from her since she said she was lying down. Maybe she went to urgent care. Or not.

She may be reading this and, instead of understanding my feelings or talking about it, holds it against me. If so, okay. Nothing I can do about that. Spend more time alone? Suppress my emotions more?

I've said I spent years alone, not dating, celibate. That was a choice. It was not imposed on me. I had no expectations but if I chose to date, I could have at least tried. I also had things to spend my time on. 

Thing is, there is a huge difference between making a pass at someone you barely know or have not made emotional promises to as opposed to someone you have allegedly formed an emotional bond with. In one case, you can just accept it and continue on. In the other, it causes feelings of rejection, pain, loneliness. In one case you have an interest, possibly a hope but no expectations. In the other, you have expectations based on promises made. Promises that you will be there for each other emotionally, physically and intimately. In one case, no is simply no. It changes nothing. In the other, no changes everything. 

And simply not being there or talking about it leaves emotions in limbo. I can take any answer which is an answer. What's been happening are questions with no answers. Denial that there is a question. 

Alone again

As expected, GF texted and said she is sleepy and dizzy. 

So, she won't be coming over. 

She thinks she may have taken a night time medication during the day. Plus her blood sugar is 175, which makes her sleepy. Been trying to get her to bring her new insulin over since prescribed a week ago. She hasn't brought it.

So, I am going to take a nap before work. 

In the morning after work, I'll go to the gym. Then go check out a couple of 24 hour places. See if anyone is there that I can get in a decent conversation with. Or any attractive women. (I seriously doubt either will be true.) Then come home, make a couple of work phone calls and do more writing. 

As of right now, no work tomorrow night. Maybe that will change. Who knows?

Forcing myself out of it

Been forcing myself out of my depressive cycle to a degree. It's still there but I am making myself focus and function in spite of it.

Made myself start writing yesterday. Managed to finish an article. Today I did the same thing. Honestly, I think the article I wrote yesterday was really informative and gives ammunition to fellow Democratic Socialists to use in the battle. The one I wrote today was more abstract but explains how and why DS is a system which improves economics, education and decreases crime while advancing social evolution at all levels.

I linked back to previous articles about establishing a maximum income and casino economics. So I have reached a point where I can tie my ideas together comprehensively. 

So, I am still largely in a classification of writing all by myself, it seems. I'm sure there are some writers who advance ideas like pure Socialism. Many of whom are trying to sell books, not ideas. How ironic is that? Yet even they use it as a platform to rage against certain people. For myself, I am promoting ideas, concepts, understanding. Sure, I would LOVE to make money off of this and still hope to do so someday. Gain a following of people with similar ideas. My own groupies. lol! I think I should try and compile my writing into books soon and see if I am able to publish them by some means. Once again, ironically, I may try and publish electronically on Amazon. That would be awesome! Take the giant down from the inside!


GF came over yesterday. We ate and watched Netflix. I did feel better. Her leg is still hurt. Said she will come over later today. I slept late but think I will try and sleep more before she comes over. 

She brought me a fish and everything to go with it. A Betta. It's cute. Red, to remind me of her red hair. Like I need reminding? lol!

Yes, I am still horny but not quite as much. Thanks to the depressive cycle. In the long run, kind of doesn't matter. Same with being lonely much of the time. Oh, well. If I wind up alone and celibate what's the difference? 

Have not heard back from the other prison. If nothing today, will call back tomorrow and see what happens. If that doesn't pan out, I will see about one more prison and then check into the local jail as a second job. I'm making enough to live on but not much more than that. That needs to change. I'll push harder on it once this cycle breaks. Until then I'm a bit passive about it. 

Isolation

Today has been really bad emotionally for me.

I feel more isolated than I have in years. 

GF said her leg is getting better. However, she plans on going to urgent care tomorrow. Would not go Fri or Sat. So I expect she will go late in the day. 

I unfollowed her page for the time being. Too much of a separation for me from her views, which reflect the views of those who promote war. She says she is against war but refuses to listen. She continually posts things about Russiagate, Mueller and not trusting NK. Each of which will lead eventually to war. As long as anyone, any source is saying something against Trump, she will post it. 

This evening we had a discussion about Winner, who was arrested for "leaking" classified information. I explained in detail why that person's claims were discredited. She posted it, any way. She was supposed to be looking up claims on RT or Sputnik with Russia bragging about interfering in the election. (She never found it.) 

She says she loves my writing. That I have changed her mind on some issues. Yet it has changed nothing about her behavior. She doesn't discuss anything I write. There's no indication she has truly read it. I've gone into deep detail how Russia had nothing to gain by screwing with our election. Yet, long as it claims to implicate Trump, she believes it, no matter the cost. 

I could, would and did rather ignore that to a degree but when added to feeling distanced physically and emotionally, it leaves me feeling more isolated. More alone. 

I am going to be so happy when my neighbors move. At this point, I can NEVER walk out of my door, day or night, without someone being there. Usually walking in or out to buy pot. All I go out for is to smoke. No such thing as conversations with these people. So I wind up feeling like I am on stage on my own patio. 

I have to TRY and break my writer's block tomorrow. That is making things worse. I have ideas and notes for articles. Two started. I have not been able to finish anything. Cannot focus well enough. My writing does take a lot of emotion and emotional effort. Whether it sounds like it or not. 

Ongoing

So, I have mentioned that I am in a depressive cycle. What I have not mentioned (I think) is that this is the worst depressive cycle I have had in nearly 30 years. Longest in length, worse in depth.

To top it off, the past few days I have had a UC flare. Thought it was simply something I ate but apparently not because that would end as soon as it cleared my system. Instead, it's still happening. Yesterday I was only able to eat some rice. Managed to force myself to eat a couple of cupcakes last night at work. Just for calories.

My depressive cycles can be different from many people. I can laugh, joke, think clearly for the most part. My motivation takes a dive. I've had a writer's block for weeks. I have a libido but less likely to be assertive about it. 

The description by Sylvia Plath fits well. A Bell Jar. It is like being in a glass dome looking out. Separated, isolated. You see all that happens around you but it's not directly connected to you. You wait for someone to list the jar and interact, maybe join you for a time. Not to share misery, just to share. Once in a while for your benefit. It usually seems like anyone that lifts my jar will reach in enough to take something, then leave. They may want me to leave the jar but at the time I'm not ready. My body and brain chemistry is not ready. 

So the worst part is loneliness. Though I realize I can actually see things more clearly when in this state. My emotions move to the center. I still care about others around me. Still willing to do and listen. Less likely to seek out things, people, conditions, situations to care about. I become more technical than emotional. That's when I see that most people are always only interacting for themselves. What they can get from me. What I want doesn't matter. 

So nothing about them or their interactions with me changes. I wind up dealing with it alone. Nobody is going to ask what my needs are. They'll make their own assumptions and dictate what they think I want. Based on some little amount they are willing to give with no cost, no risk. Heaven forbid I want something like time, attention, affection. 

I doubt this will continue much longer. I'm less likely to make harsh decisions when in this state like I did when I was younger and did not know I was bipolar. But when I come out of it, I see things differently. I realize who is here and how much. 

A bit better

Not feeling so hot. Think I ate something yesterday that did not sit well. Woke with minor stomach pain but general discomfort. That's okay. Better I get sleep at a later hour so I won't be tired at work tonight.

I went out to have a beer last night. Just one beer. Got home and texted gf. She did what I expected to that and the fact I may occasionally work at the women's prison. She turned it into me pulling away from her and/or making her afraid. 

That was when I finally told her this is not fair to me. I have sat for hours, days waiting to spend time with her. Always in touch. Not out drinking or whoring around. That I have been understanding of all that keeps us apart in her life, tried to compensate for it where I can. I told her it hurts me when she does not trust me. 

No, I did not say I make decisions which stand to compensate for that pain. Yes, I can say I have some guilt over that. But does one stand without defense when faced with a threat? If pain seems likely or eminent, isn't it natural to try and minimize it? Fact is, I have not acted on it. I'd call it more research on options. By appearance, it would look bad. By actuality, it's not because there is a difference between words and actions. 

Any way, it sounded like I may have gotten through. I hope. Only way to really know is by what happens from here. Once again, words versus actions. 

If her words don't match her actions or her words indicate concern for her feelings while discounting mine, I guess my actions will have to change. 

If her words, feelings and actions are motivated by fear, that tends to vindicate me having fears of my own which are well justified. So this will lead to us becoming closer or further apart. Most of that is up to her. I've been reasonable. I'm still being reasonable. What's not reasonable is to place my life and heart on hold, sitting alone, waiting for things that rarely or never come. I'm not even being fair to myself. 

I've done this before. If I don't respect my own wishes, why should I expect someone else to do so? I'm patient but only to a point. I did learn from my past. 

10 minutes or less

Have to leave for a morning shift in a few minutes, so keeping this one short.

I mentioned that my gf made the assumption the other day that I did not want to have sex. At least, she pushed it off on me. This being allegedly because I am in a depressive cycle. No, that does not mean I am not interested. In fact, it helps my depression. The only difference is that I am less assertive. It was during my last down cycle that I allowed my more submissive side to come out, which is something I have never before done in my life. 

None of that apparently matters. Obviously I am not allowed to have a down cycle. Obviously she wants to avoid intimacy and put it off on me. 

Yes, it angers me. It hurts me.

I have genuinely gotten tired of being understanding. I understand her knee injury and bumping her head currently. I have been understanding through schedule problems, family illnesses and deaths, UTI, pneumonia, shoulder injury, leg injury, wrist injury, previous head injury, her depressive cycles (which has seemed to be continuous since Dec or Jan) and on and on. Not a week passes that I do not have to be understanding about something. 

It's old now. 

I'll write more after work. This was just on my mind. 

Still down

I'm still in a depressive cycle. This is the worst one I've had in many years. This one includes physical pain, which has happened no small number of times in the distant past. Really hard to get motivated. 

GF came by Mon and Tue. For various reasons, no sex. I could have been more assertive but tend not to be when in a down cycle. But she did not ask, basically told me on Mon. Tue she injured herself. 

I work tomorrow morning at a different facility. The women's prison psych unit. Hmm. Not sure how to feel about the psych unit yet. In any case, I have more shifts coming up than I have had this past month at my base facility. Because they're losing people right and left. Including the ADON. But between that and orienting to other facilities, I will be getting more hours, it would appear. My income will increase and stabilize. 

On the other hand, it will mean less time open for gf and I. Plus she is taking more classes. Not much free time together any more. Not like it was utilized much any way. Except to watch Netflix or Hulu. Seriously, it's not seeming like she minds. Maybe she doesn't. She definitely doesn't mind lack of sex. 

So, mind is made up. I am going to check out the 24 hour places in town. Of course, it's most likely I'll run into nothing but barflies. Unlikely to find much lucid conversation. Just something to pass time until I find or create something more to my liking. Like maybe a Progressive conversation group. Maybe. Or maybe start taking some classes or something. Not sure. 

Down and up

Still in a depressive cycle. This one is getting bad at times. Worst part is feeling like things are useless. 

That's not me. I keep fighting. It's my nature.

On the up side, called a few minutes ago and I will orient to another facility Thur morning. That will increase my income stability. GF may not like it that it will be at a women's prison but she will have to deal with it. That comes down to whether she trusts me or not.

Where gf is concerned, I know she has been sick a lot lately. However, it's not like I am present when she is. That leaves me feeling alone and lonely. Everything I go through, illness, pain, anxiety, depression, I go through alone. There is no place I can truly turn. Affection tends to be by text. Promises go unfulfilled. 

But to be honest, this is nothing new. That has been true at some level with EVERY relationship I have had in my life. At least in this case she does not try and insult me for having my own emotions. She accepts them. However, hers take precedence. Always. Especially depression or anxiety. If I express those, hers are worse. It becomes a competition. To which I concede because I'm just used to going through those things on my own. Guess it's just my karma. 

That doesn't make it easy but at least I am strong enough to handle those things on my own. But if I am to be alone emotionally, what is the point? To forever be there for the other person? 

If that is going to be the case, this is where I have ultimately defined past behavior. If I get nothing else out of it, then sensually I will seek out someone who at least gives me pleasure in that respect. If she is not going to be submissive, I may start seeking someone that is submissive sexually. Not doing so as yet but I may. 

Learned there are a couple of bars in town that are open 24/7. They probably don't sell alcohol all hours but they are open. So I can go after work in the mornings. If nothing else, maybe some social contact? Someone to talk to once in a while? That would help. Feeling isolated is the worst part. Sex is not what I want, really. It just tends to be what is available. Not counting on much intellectual conversation. Not much interested in drinking, either. I may have one beer and then switch to soda if I get into a conversation with someone with half a brain once in a while. 

Even many of my friends online are migrating toward "Blew No Matter Who". Meaning voting for corporate Demoncraps to fight Repugnicans. Both parties are nothing but corporate whores who fight against the people and in favor of war. So I am dumping them. They know better. Educating them does no good.