Last day?

Daughter spent the last four days with me, since Fri night. The ex and her husband went to AL to pick up keys and arrange for housing. Flew back in last night.

I kept asking daughter if she wanted to go anywhere or do anything. She didn't. She's just bored with Albuquerque. We've done everything here many times. Nothing new or different. 

Dropped her off at her mother's a while ago. They have packing to do and expect to leave by next Wed or Thur.

Asked if daughter wants to come over here this weekend, she wasn't sure. Seemed like she doesn't. She's focused on packing.

Can't blame her. I'm boring. Plus neither of us were sure if the last few days were that last we had before she has to leave. I think the emotional stress is getting her, even though she doesn't show it much. 

I did see her tear up a couple of times. She also slept more than usual all weekend. Last few weeks she has been rubbing my head a lot, playing with my hair. Hugging me closer than she has for a while.

On the other hand, I was the one who was emotional. Teared up several times. Today before leaving home I could not speak for a couple of minutes because I started crying. I'm crying right now. Guess I will be doing that occasionally for a while. 

I am loading myself with chemicals tonight. I am going to get drunk and stoned plus take my regular medications. No tolerance for anything at all right now. 

Short version

My whole life I have focused on being literate, thorough and precise. 

Now I am living in a world of text messages, memes, 140 characters (Twitter), attention spans under 30 seconds and 6 second videos (Vine).

On the political front, I have been slow to adapt. I see things in the complex terms they are and inform people in that manner. Because of that, my reach has been limited to people who already understand complexity and have an attention span longer than the norm.

I am now adapting better. I think people have become informed on the issues just enough that shorter statements work even on complex issues. Mostly it is a matter of their tragically short memories. Or their hope that others will have memories as short lived as their own. 

So, I have started making memes and attacking via Twitter. 

I am focusing not on shock value but genuine information. 

Here are some of my constructs:

Depression

Well, I am now deep in depression. Full tilt. Crying intermittently.

Talked with the ex last night. She says they have to be in AL on 9/12/16 and will leave before then to find a place to live. Maybe by 9/5 or earlier.

She also says they are not sure if they will even like it there, so will be renting a house for a year until they decide. Not much point in me moving there if it winds up they don't like it and move back. 

So, focusing on fixing up the house seems fairly pointless at the moment. I will continue doing so but asking myself why. 

Guess I should be happy I am not working at the moment. I can't even think clearly. 

Had a longer than usual discussion with the ex last night. Told her it would impact me less if they said they were moving to Canada. 

She had no idea just HOW different the culture in Alabama is from any place any of them have ever lived. The blatant racism and stratification. I explained that manners are not only a good thing there but mandatory. That's one that daughter will really have to be on her toes about. She's never rude but she doesn't exactly use old fashioned manners. I did not tell the ex that they probably teach Creationism as science in school. 

Right now I am finding it impossible to find a positive in any of this. 

Big change

When I opened my email this morning I was in for a huge shock.

The ex told me her husband got a job in Montgomery, AL. They are supposed to leave before 9/12/16. Of course, my daughter will be moving with them.

I does break my heart she wants to go with them and not stay with me. However, she wants to live someplace with green trees and rain. Can't blame her there!

To be an active part of her life, of course I will move there as well. I don't like it here to begin with. Moved quite a few times in my life, so it's not a big deal to me to move per se.

It is going to be a huge thing as far as effort. I have to finish fixing up the house, wiring, patching walls, painting. etc. Rip out the garden. Till the whole garden under. Sell the house. Start trying to find a job before I get there. 

This throws my priorities all off with the house. Guess some things will be easier since I can start disposing of things I was going to keep. Much of it I will no longer need enough to pack and carry. 

I took it with a grain of salt this morning. True to me, it took a while for the stress to set in. As the day wore on, so did the stress. Trying to figure out where to start. I think the office would be a good place to get started. 

I never did get this house in order the whole time I lived here. Looks like the closest I will get is just before moving out. How depressing. 

Right now I do not feel like moving. Mostly confusion. It may take months before I get things in order and see my daughter again.

Wish I had known about this weeks ago. Though I would not have been able to do much until the final word came down.

I have big concerns about all of them emotionally. 

For daughter, I am not sure how being away from me will affect her. Plus none of them have ever lived in a place with such blatant racism. Daughter will not go along with it and will not remain silent about it. She is also moving away from her friends and she had finally made some real friends. Fucking seriously? First damn week into the new school year?!!!

The ex also has never lived in a place so racist. She may be able to handle it. Not sure about much else.

Her husband is another issue entirely. He has never lived outside NM. He has always lived near his family. He was about 26 and still living at home when he met the ex. He may be a lot more stable than I think. However, from a distance he seems of questionable emotional stability to me. Once again I could be wrong. He has refused to speak to me for years, though only met me twice for less than 10 minutes each time. Daughter tells me he spends most of his time alone. Now he is dealing with the emotional debris of a recently failed business along with a pending massive life change like nothing he has experienced before. The way I see it from here there is tremendous potential for negative events. I am so hoping to be completely wrong on this. 

Interview/Latest prediction

I had a job interview today at a plasma center. Pays less than I'm used to but not too low. Few hundred more than my base budget per month. Low stress, weekdays, pretty routine. Probably have the chance for OT at times. I've seen this location advertise nearly every time I was looking for a job before. Probably pay level and/or boredom leads to high turnover.

I think the interview went well. I also think they are looking for multiple people because of some comments indicating that from the corporate recruiter. 

Latest prediction- We are beyond the point of no return. I am not telling anyone and not giving up trying. However, Jill Stein is going to lose the election.

I think it will be worst case scenario. Hillary Clinton is going to win. That will mean more war. The worst war we have ever seen. It WILL impact the domestic US. Plus enacting a draft. Including women. 

It will also mean civil war. This country is already teetering on the edge. Riots breaking out in different areas with increasing frequency. This weekend it was Milwaukee. This is the civil war I have been predicting. It will not completely destroy the country but will affect most of the country. There will be blood. 

With war and riots will come disease. Famine. Drought. Censorship. Including internet censorship. 

Daughter and I will survive with no major injury. 

I do not know what will happen after all of that. I do know the US will cease to exist as we know it. Who knows? Maybe we will be better off after it is all over. 

I am preparing. I have food stocked up, enough for a few weeks. Going to try and stock up more. Weapons. Bows, arrows, swords, machetes. I can reinforce this house as necessary. I have the garden. Generator. 

Also been working on setting up secure communications with people I know online. Though I need to tone that down. Too many people know and it becomes NOT secure. Teaching people encryption. Trying to build a network. Not sure what we can accomplish but I think it is necessary. Call it intuition. I am also learning how to use the dark web and some programming. Not sure if that will help but it sure won't hurt.

Ongoing insomnia

I have had insomnia very badly this week. Over and over. `One night I could not go to sleep and was awake until after 7 AM.

Because of that, I have not yet been able to stop using cannabis yet. Frustrating. Most things that have the potential to help me sleep will make my restless leg syndrome much worse in higher doses. Leaving me exhausted and drowsy but awake.

I have not figured out why antihistamines do that to me. Then again, medical science cannot explain restless leg syndrome.

It is entirely possible that the insomnia is not a bad thing but a good thing. Not in itself, of course. What it indicates.

When I was younger, I really did not sleep much. However, my overall health was much better. That changed over time as my ulcerative colitis became worse, even years before I knew I had it. I've known about the UC for about 2.5 years but had other problems including restless legs for over ten years. 

As I have written, I have been taking juiced cannabis leaves with arrow root for several weeks on a consistent basis. That is showing serious improvement in my condition, which has really manifested in the past week or so. So my theory is that the improvement in my condition is causing the insomnia. Which basically means my body is healing down to the cellular level. (Yes, UC does do damage at the cellular level as well as the central nervous system.) 

Another thing which is happening is my motivation is improving again. That was something which was really emotionally distressing to me because I have NEVER had a problem with motivation. Yet I have had a lack of motivation for over a year now. I considered whether that was being caused by the cannabis. That's one reason I was trying to quit. Yet, while still taking cannabis, my motivation has improved quite a bit in the last week. Jury is still out but it looks more and more like cannabis was not the problem. 

I still may have to stop because I am job hunting and not sure what the current job environment is like regarding that.

At different points I also questioned whether there was something toxic in this house which was causing problems for me. Now I doubt it. It was just coincidence that my condition got worse after I moved in here and not even soon afterward. For a long time I was cutting wood, digging up bamboo roots (rhizomes), tilling the entire front and back yards, all while working. I think stress made it worse. Fought a hard battle against being foreclosed on while also being accused on multiple occasions of things I had not done on different jobs. (That's New Mexico True.) Had a number of weeks off to allow my body to recover from the stress damage now.

Got a call this morning for a job I am considering. At a plasma center. Pay less but seems like it would be low stress. My finances would be okay at what they offer. May be able to pick up occasional OT to make up the difference. Or even agency work on the side. In the meantime, I want to finish equipping the wood shop and start making things, possibly get a real home business off the ground. If not as a primary income, something I enjoy as additional income. 

Have to see what transpires from here.

Back to school for daughter

Daughter goes back to school tomorrow. Because her mother started back to work Monday, daughter stayed with me until last evening. Just so she didn't have to spend too much time alone. That shortened it to one day alone. 

We did very little this weekend. Not my choice, hers. I probably asked her two dozen times if she wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Answer was always no.

She says she is looking forward to going back to school. Misses her friends and she actually does enjoy learning, at least some subjects. Though not motivated enough to study on her own.

I can't say that much. I have been somewhat lazy getting my resume out. Hoping to find something I like and preferably working from home. If not, in an office. Not having much luck so far.

Been doing a lot of writing on FB while I have been off. It is difficult to track exactly how many people have read my writing. However, a good estimate by this time of my accumulated writing would be that my writing has been seen by at least 2 million people. That's only counting people that mostly agree with me. Just today I wrote two articles and in a few hours each one was shared dozens, possibly hundreds of times. That's only counting the number of times it was shared. Then if it gets shared again, it becomes difficult to track. 

All that makes it really amusing that my blog has no traffic at all.

Update on the cannabis. I thought I had only five plants but it turns out I do have six. Two are males. I am letting them grow and pollinate the nearest female plants, so I will have enough seeds for years to come. I thought it was five because one male is between the other male and a female plant, so it looked like fewer until I bent down and looked at the trunks today. 

The largest is about 8 ft tall and at least 4-5 ft wide. They are all starting to flower, so should be ready to harvest in a few weeks. Not sure what size buds to expect but it looks like there will be hundreds of them. (That's going to take some work to harvest.)

Funny thing is, I am trying to back away from smoking the buds. I am having great results from the non-sedating leaves when juiced. Though then there is the problem of storing the juice for the winter. Like it or not, I may have to keep a year-round grow going just for the leaves. But in that case even males will work. So, going to try not smoking starting tonight. I tried once a few weeks ago but could not sleep due to muscle spasms. Restless legs non-stop. Taking medication for that, over the counter. See how it goes. Maybe if I have the ulcerative colitis under better control, that will be less of a problem. Been juicing leaves for a few weeks consistently since last attempt, so hoping for better luck this time.