Bouncing back

I am bouncing back from that emotional crash. It didn't last long.

Been seeing the same woman a couple of times. The more I see her, the more I like her. Rather hoping it leads somewhere but the usual problem exists. My schedule. 

Got the new computer rebuilt and it's much, much faster than the old one. From start to login screen is around 10 seconds, maybe less. One problem I have to look into is that it is supposed to be 1 TB and seems to only have a capacity of around 400GB. I'll check with Western Digital about that.

The video and audio are good, even with the old video card. That card is 2 GB but is about 8 years old. I'm impressed it's still working. Also happy that I was still able to install a driver for it. 

However, I can hear the fan grinding slightly. So, I went ahead and ordered another video card. a 4GB card, name brand this time. 

The video capture program I used displays the percentage of the CPU being used and doing a video it now shows around 20%, where it used to be close to 90%. Increasing the capacity of the GPU will reduce the drag on the CPU even more. 

I did my first test video and posted it today, after moving all the computer equipment into the other room. The video quality came out really good, the audio quality was great. I do need to play around with the arrangement a bit. I may need to go ahead and get some curtains for that room for better lighting control. Video still appears a bit grainy, which seems to be associated with lighting. Or maybe I need to play with the program settings more. Or both. 

I still have a lot of background work to do as far as transferring data from one system or drive to another, rearranging storage, getting the website together and so forth. However, I have gotten back to where I can produce videos again and focus on issues. 

A lot has been going on recently and I have fallen behind. Not that I always mind that too much. Sometimes it's a benefit to sit back and listen, gather more information and then come to a more informed conclusion. 

No matter what, I am happy with the appearance of the house and the office setup. 

Emotional crash

For a day or two this week, I suffered a severe emotional crash. It was the absolute worst last night. I did not feel like being at work, yet did not feel like being anywhere else, either. I mean ANYWHERE else.

I had no thoughts of harming myself but saw nothing immediately worthwhile. Nearly the only thing my mind could grasp to hold onto was the thought that I did not want to hurt my daughter. Though my only thing to look forward to in the short term was rebuilding the computer. Lame but it was something. 

Most of all, it was loneliness that crashed in on me. So many people in AL are flakes whom you cannot rely on emotionally. Plus my own history of successive relationships where I was the one who cared for the woman I was with but it seemed (and was later proven) that I dd not matter at all. 

I've been talking to one woman online that came over to talk one night. I like her a lot and get very positive intuition around her. She's considerably younger than I am but feel like there is an attraction between us. Though my emotions still took a dark turn and I questioned whether there was anything really there on her side for me. Then, late in the night I had to drive from one camp to another. I checked my phone and found she had texted me around 3:30 in the morning. Which meant she woke up during the night and thought about me. 

I don't want to turn this into something more than it might be. However, at that moment, it meant more to me than I can express. I texted back and told her I was having a bad night but her message made it much, much better. 

There is no question I need some kind of emotional connection closer than I have had for so very, very long. Obviously, I had believed I had something like that for a while but was badly disappointed and hurt. 

Trust still doesn't come very easily for me. The fear of abandonment is still with me and probably always will be. 

It's possible I could revert to an emotional state to accept being alone, though it would not be easy. It's closing off a part of myself which is difficult to close off. 

Obviously, I don't know where anything at all is going but I do hope that things move forward and closer with this woman. Even if only as platonic friends, though I truly hope for more than that with her. 

For now, just let things go at their own pace in life. Except for the computer and the YT channel. After I get off work tonight, I have 3 nights off to work on that and a few other tasks. I have managed to get the house and yard in better condition. I need to keep that trend going. 

Strategic Withdrawal

Decided this morning it was simply best to give up the effort of rebuilding the old computer. I went ahead and spent the money for what will be a new system. A rebuild but fairly stripped down core system. Then add the memory from the existing system, which is compatible. Ordered 16 GB more memory, bringing the total to 32 GB of RAM. The new system has a 1 TB HDD, to which I am also ordering a 1 TB SSD for speed. Then I ordered a USB dock, from which I can copy files over to the main system. The old computer has a 2 TB HDD and the Dell has a 1 TB HDD. Once I properly configure everything, I can use the 2 TB HDD for storage. The new system has a 300 watt power supply, which I will switch out for the 700 watt power supply. Then I have the 4 GB video card to install. 

I can also use the dock to see if I can recover any data from old drives I still have in storage boxes at some point. 

The computer shipped the same day I ordered is, so should be here in a few days, since it's just coming from FL. Other parts will be here Sunday. The SSD isn't expected here until next Friday. I can start off by using the native drive, then clone it to the SSD when it get's here. 

Aside from that, I have changed up my coming work schedule to work on Sat nights for the time being. Since I can't see my daughter, I may as well. Going to go ahead and work 5 nights a week for the time being. Not like I have much else to do. 

For now, I am emotionally isolating myself. I don't see any social interactions going anywhere. Not much else I can do. Gym is still closed, can't go the bars, no meetings happening, no point in traveling. 

Maybe I'm getting sick or my down cycle is really hitting my emotions. In any case, I'm really tired of battling all the extremists on every side while remaining in forced solitude. 

Going to try and save up some money. Replacing what I spent on the computer equipment only comes to 1-2 nights of work. Plus I reduced monthly expenses considerably by paying off the last of my bills. 

I just have to find something to fill my time. Not like I have a garden to work on any more. No solar projects. Major wood working projects would be useless, since I'd have to move them eventually because I do not want to keep renting forever. 

Obviously, I am really lonely. Wish I had some companionship but that appears to be out of the question for now. The right companionship is difficult enough to come across in AL. So I better learn to deal with it. 

Rebuilding

A couple of days ago I finally rebuilt the old computer. Haven't booted it up yet. To do so means I have to use the monitor, mouse, keyboard, etc from the current computer. 

I also have to transfer a lot of files from the current computer to the old one, download various programs and install them, install who knows how many updates... It's going to be a long process. 

I am crossing my fingers that the processor works. I know the motherboard went out but don't know if it took the processor with it. If I have to replace that, I think I'll get a second hand processor. Basically it has to be, since the slot type is outdated for newer processors. 

If it all works as hoped, I will have a new motherboard, new power supply, 4GB video card, 16 GB RAM which I plan on upgrading to 32 and a 6 core processor. All of that should work for the video processing. 

I had technical issues because I thought I had the wrong power supply. Turns out two cables can be split, one for the CPU and one for the video card. Never seen that before. Then again, I usually use a full ATX board and this one is a mini ATX. Has all I need on it, just smaller. 

I met a woman a few days ago that I like a lot. She seems to like me as well, so I am having some hopes. Very attractive and intelligent. She is a capitalist. Chances are we may have some strong debates on that subject but I think I am likely to change her mind over time. Have to wait and see how it goes. Right now she is isolating because a coworker recently came up positive for the virus. 

Final payoff

After all these years, I have still been paying on one of my student loans. Problem is, so much has gone to interest and fees that, like many student loan debtors, it seems like it will never be paid off. 

Over time, especially the past year or so, I have paid ahead and brought the balance down considerably. Now, I am at a point where I received some extra money this month on top of reducing expenses, which has allowed my savings to grow somewhat. 

With these things in mind, I decided to take the leap. I scheduled the entire account balance to be paid off tomorrow. That will take a bit out of my savings, which makes me a little nervous in current economic conditions. However, in the long term I expect it to improve my credit rating and will leave me with extra money which can be saved. 

Since I paid off the car payment 2 years early and now paying this off, my only credit card is a secured card with a collateral account balance. This means I will finally have no outstanding debts at all except for my regular monthly expenses. 

That means it will be much easier to save money in the long term and can devote more funds to expanding exposure of my content production. If that works out, over time I will be able to reduce my nursing hours gradually to spend more time on content production. 

I have concepts regarding that which I just don't have the time for right now, such as collaborations with other Progressive people and outlets for specific projects. 

My writing and videos are slowly gaining more attention and subscribers. I'm happy for that. Means the ideas I propose are spreading. It would be nice to make a lot of money from this effort but the main goal really is spreading awareness, getting people to think, to question, to engage peacefully to enact positive change.