Even worse

I could not get even one hour of sleep. Maybe I can take a short nap this afternoon. 

Having a very difficult time focusing. Can't even manage to read an article or watch a whole video over 5 minutes long in one shot. I have one paused as I am writing this. 

Even my vision has become very light sensitive. Crap, I used to think that was simply from sleep deprivation. Guess not. That's one reason I spent so many years on the night shift.

I have leg pain from working out so much. Not severe. But it's a balance between being restless and having pain from walking. Just took a Baclofen and a Tylenol. That should help.

I do need to focus enough to continue my job search. 

Debating taking a break from doing the YouTube videos. Not sure I can focus well enough on one subject right now. Hard to do much research. Maybe I can keep doing them. Stick to subjects that don't need much research. 

Have to wait and see. 

Here we go again

Here we go again.

I am heading back into a manic state. This one is bad.

Last one was minor. Only a few days. Lost some sleep and that was about it.

This time is going to last a while, I can tell. Oh, well. Happy the weather is warming up a little. Been coming on slowly for a few days. 

Knew something was off but was not sure what until tonight. It's after 4 AM and I have not slept. Try to get a bit of sleep again in a few minutes.

Thought I had brain fog but not so much. Instead it's racing thoughts. I can think clearly but hard to focus. Takes an effort but I can do it. 

On the up side, this is actually an indication that my UC is improving. Also on the up side (but maybe contributing) is that I am seriously making advancements at the gym. 

I am already back to maxing out multiple machines. Not bad for being away from the gym for two years. I am getting sore but not majorly so. Not doing a lot of repetitions at the highest weights but will build up to higher reps quickly. Maxed out the pec fly and bicep curl machines. Doing suspended situps. Haven't seen one of those boards for 28 years. Not many of those but also doing ab isolation crunches. I'm actually getting rid of my pubic area paunch! (Which was impossible because of the UC before.) Trying to build up my gluteal muscles. I've always had a bony butt and hope to fix that at last. Not sure I have much hope for it but keep trying.

In any case, happy with what I can do and what I see in the mirror. 

On the down side, I am getting easily irritated and I am horny as hell. I already told my gf I am in a carnal state of mind but not in a romantic way. She's okay with that. In fact, quite receptive. Though I do not have much time with her. That's not helping the situation for me. Can't blame her for it though. I expect to see her for a couple of hours tonight and told her we will not be doing much talking other than me telling her what I want her to do. 

This is absolutely when my Dom side comes out. I've had an erection all night almost continuously. 

That can get slightly painful at times but then it sets off a different cycle. Certain forms of pain excite me. That's one. The pain from working out is another. In this case, my manic state is so bad that I seriously want her to take charge and inflict some level of pain on me. It helps ultimately exhaust me. For a while. Not for long. 

To a degree, I hate this side of myself. More so when I cannot indulge it. But that has been most of my life. In the past, these are the times when I sometimes had multiple lovers because none of them could keep up with me. Even two was often not enough but I never went beyond that. Just suffered through the rest. Other times I was working and going to college or worked multiple jobs until I dropped from exhaustion, then got up and did it all again. When I was younger, this could last for months on end. Not sure how long this one will last. 

I definitely need to find an extra job and spend a lot of time at the gym. My ethics demand monogamy. I have absolutely zero desire to do anything that hurts my gf. Even if she does not know about it. I've gone through that guilt before and not something I want now. It would destroy me to look her in the eye and know I was being dishonest with her. I want everything in this relationship to be open and above board. 

This is my demon. I have fought this many times in my life. Thought it had been exorcised but guess not. It has up sides and down sides. Fighting myself is the down side. The actual good part is that I am not in the financial or physical condition right now to get into much trouble. Reining myself in for my relationship and having a gf that understands it makes it much better. Not having much time with her makes it worse. I rarely drink any more. Can't do cannabis. 

Even as I have been writing this, I have been up and down. Chain smoking and pacing. Cold outside, which limits that. If it were warmer I would not stop at all. 

All I can do is ride this out.

Other stuff

I mentioned that I need to find a different job. This one as of now has no potential for a wage I can live on and we had a telephone conference Fri evening which detailed how that will become even more difficult in the near future. Right now at most I will make about $300 for the month. Not doable. I gave it a chance and waited to see if I was going to get more clients but that has not happened. So it's time to bail. I will finish the two cases I have and be looking for something else starting tomorrow morning. I just sent a couple of emails to the company telling them to hold off assigning me any more clients. 

I bought a web domain to match the YouTube channel. Have not done much with it yet but will be working on building a Progressive site. I have not fully considered the entire layout but I have domain and hosting for a year. 

Going to have to cash in some of my investments. Already had to cash in some. Wanted to hold them longer in the hopes they would increase in value. I really think they will. But I will probably have to cash them in before then. Crypto is increasing in price again now. It had gone down a lot for a while. Did the same thing last year, though. I think it just happened because of the holidays. Most people investing in it are smaller investors because you can put any amount into it and handle your investments yourself. Not like stocks, where you have to invest huge sums or allow someone else to handle your investments. You can put money in or take it out at any time. Not even like gold (also rising), which can take days or weeks for a transaction to complete. 

Been getting to the gym quite a bit and am quickly regaining my strength, if not muscle mass. I've never gained much mass. I have no idea what it would take for me to do so. Never looked like I could do what I can. Daughter was shocked today when she saw only part of what I could life. In the past I've had weightlifters and bodybuilders shocked at what I could do. Today I lifted 250 lbs on the pectoral fly machine. Only twice for each arm at that weight but I still did it. The machine only goes to 260 or 265 (with the knob changed, weight stack stops at 250). I also did 3 suspension situps, which are the most difficult type. 

I'm actually trying to add more bulk to my buttocks, since I have always had a bony butt. 

Any way, looks like it will not take long for me to get back in shape.

My health is improving. UC is hardly giving me any problems at all any more. Can it be that moving made a difference? Or that my relationship has done that? No question she makes me feel wonderful.

Make no mistake, I am still not blind to the fact that I could still be getting played. But it fits no such pattern. No money involved. No major drama or even claims of major abuse. It's more subtle. From my own past, I know how subtle abuse can be. However, someone like her husband that simply continually seeks something to be angry about IS abuse and it is insidious. So I'm not "saving" her. She spends hours and hours online with me. Gave me a ring. She comes to my place several times a week. She asks for basically nothing but my time and attention. So, the possibility is almost nonexistent. This paragraph is not because I think it. Just for anyone that may potentially read it and have that idea. 

Feeling powerless

I am feeling somewhat powerless in a sense.

Wish I had the resources to pull my gf out of the situation she is in. She tells me the emotional torture her husband puts her through. I know it could be worse or we would never have a moment together, let alone hours. But he is trying to crack down on that, too.

She had quit working because of her health issues and because he voiced objection. Then he has used that as a means of controlling her. She has told me most often if she spends any money on anything, he knows about it before she even gets home. Now he went as far as demanding she cancel magazines which she actually reads. Some she has subscribed to for decades. He has subscriptions he is keeping yet does not read, just piles them up.

They're not rich but far from poor. 

She spent all day Sat cleaning and organizing the house. She went somewhere today for maybe two hours. By the time she got home he had moved everything around she had organized. Not the first time for that. He has moved things she uses for cooking and crafts in such a way she had no idea where they were and he would not tell her. 

He looks for things to be angry about, slams doors. Moves vehicles so she cannot get in her SUV without him moving other vehicles. He has his own car and blocks hers in. They have jet skis and he moves her SUV so it is blocked in by those as well. 

A few days ago, she got home and he had torn the head off of one of her collectible antique dolls. Then denied he had done so. Even though items that had been under the doll were then moved, even on top of the doll. 

He seriously seems like he is trying to make her lose her sanity. She has told me I am the only thing keeping her sane at this point. I believe her. 

It hurts me knowing what she goes through. Actually brings tears to my eyes at times. 

Only thing I can do is giver her my ear, shoulder, time, support and compassion for now. But maybe it is better this way. If there were any doubt remaining in her mind, any hope for her marriage, she is seeing it for what it is now. She sees his behavior for what it is, a continuous attempt at control and oppression. 

Seriously, what kind of man does not have sex with his own wife for almost 4 years? And does nothing about it? I've left bruises on her and he knows nothing about them. She has changed things about her body hair (long before she met me) and he has no idea. Not like she is frigid. FAR from it, she is a really passionate and uninhibited lover. Cosplay, role play, toys, belly dancing, chair dancing and pole dancing. To say the least. And he tries to make her feel bad about these things. WTF?!! She was like that when she met him. His friends said they were surprised she had any interest in him and that they thought he was gay! (Funny thing is that he apparently laughed but never denied it.) But he sure likes going to the gym a lot. 

I'm not kidding. I think he's gay and publicly denying it, even to her. Something seriously wrong with him. He's not religious, so that's not the issue. 

I have to find a better job. Going to start looking tomorrow.

Rings

So, a few days ago gf and I were discussing whether I would wear a ring which shows I am attached. I said yes, I would gladly wear a ring showing I am in a relationship with her. 

Unexpectedly, she offered to buy rings for both of us. She ordered them and paid for them.

Yesterday she brought them. For the very first time in my life, a woman gave me a ring! It really touched me. 

The rings match. They are beautiful rings, silver with a Celtic design. Obviously, she cannot wear hers on the traditional finger for now but I do wear mine on my left ring finger. 

Should anyone ask what it symbolizes, I will very happily tell them I am committed, taken, monogamous, in love. And nothing will challenge that.

Not going to take this ring off unless doing something in which it poses a danger. Like electrical or mechanical work. If nothing else to avoid damage to the ring. (Yeah, I worry more about the ring than damaging my hands.)

First thing when I woke up this morning I felt the ring on my finger and felt comforted. Knowing I am not alone in this world. I am bound by choice. 

Never felt love like this before.

Last night we had a number of hours together. Never felt love like THAT before, either! Damn!

Last year I thought I may have had ED. Obviously not so much! Figured that was a false assumption about round 5 or so. Not bad for our ages. 

Pleasure

I love people who try to figure me out. They always get it wrong.

If someone I love is under stress, I respond by easing their stress and giving them pleasure by whatever means available to me.

If I am under stress, I respond (if possible) by giving the person I love pleasure by any means possible. In some cases, to an extreme. 

If I am not under stress, I respond by giving the person I love pleasure by any means possible. In some cases, to an even greater extreme. 

This is not limited to sex. This can take the form of gifts, activities, food, anything.

As a Dom, this is my favorite means of domination. For me, bondage and domination are a means of extending and prolonging pleasure for a very long period of time. Pleasure can be subjective, of course. The longer anything goes on, the higher endorphins increase, the more forceful I become. I often delay or even forego my own pleasure in the process because I gain so much pleasure in the process. 

Now, for the very first time in my life, I have a gf who has the same view. For the very first time, I have agreed to be submissive to her. She enjoys the idea. To a degree I am quite surprised by, as she has never been dominant. In general, I will still be the Dom but at times I will submit to her. This has not happened yet but she is planning for it. I am letting her plan.

I initially made the offer to make her feel more empowered. This is something she needs. 

Something I understand about her but have not voiced is the fact that under the surface she has a lot of insecurity. I hate that she does. She has a need for adoration and I will willingly give her that in an absolute genuine manner. I do adore her in every way. Except her views on Trump, which I think I am slowly breaking down. 

Her need for adoration is somewhat a travesty. She is adored by many people, wanted by men, looked up to by women. However, she does want that adoration to be genuine, not vocalized as a means of using her. I understand that. Been there. 

This can take the form of emotional fragility which she tries to hide but cannot from me. Or it can take the form of role play, cosplay. I think at times she may use that as an alternative personality of a conscious form. Part of her tells herself a person admires someone else in the costume, while I realize any costume is another aspect of herself. In any case, I can enjoy it and give her that adoration and she does know I am admiring her, not the costume itself. 

It also takes the form of providing pleasure to others. By many means. Helping the sick and disadvantaged, political activism, food, sex, etc. Of course, neither of us are by any means frivolous and have no desire to involve anyone else. Only us. Between us, we seriously do not need anyone else. We have discussed the fact that we can spend many years exploring each other sensually because we are both imaginative and have such depth. Neither ever sees sex as "just sex". There is no such thing as "just sex". 

I cannot even imagine either of us doing anything to bring harm or actual pain to the other. 

I fall more in love with her the longer I know her. I can see that continuing for the rest of our lives. I have never felt a bond like this. Actually thought I never would. 

2 AM (almost)

Almost 2 AM and I can't get to sleep yet. Going to take more Valerian Root and see if that helps.

Did not get to talk online with my gf much tonight. She had other things going on. Can that be why I am having trouble sleeping? Guess it's possible. She does relax me. 

Not much to be done about it. 

Have to get up in the morning any way for work. I need to get out and visit my clients. 

This weekend I bought a domain name and web hosting. Have not linked them yet. They're by different companies. Haven't done anything with either one yet. Was able to get a year of hosting and domain name for less than $15. Planning on turning the website into a Progressive haven, if that's possible. Build a message board, upload videos for increased visibility. The good part is that I was able to grab matching names for Gmail, website, YouTube and Facebook under the name of AndUnityForAll. Think I should check on doing the same with Twitter and other social media. 

Crap. It's almost 3 AM now. Got distracted.

Obviously, Valerian has not helped.

Have to try and get some sleep any way.

Writer's block

Having a bit of writer's block. Just this evening. Not sure what that's all about. 

Not having a problem with doing videos. Hit an occasional slump coming up with subjects but that doesn't last long. Then I come up with numerous ideas and have a hard time prioritizing. 

I have a million things going on at once right now. Nearly all of it positive. Imagine that!!! Positive for me, that is. Biggest problem for me is prioritizing. I know I need to put most of my motivation and energy into my job first and foremost. So starting Monday I have to make a solid schedule and stick to it as much as I can. Tomorrow I have to work on deciding what that schedule will be. Many aspects have to be flexible but that's okay, long as I get myself going the right direction. Job has to take priority before I run out of money. 

At the same time, I want to expand my reach on my videos. See if I can genuinely get some visibility and at least some minor income from that. The writing is because I want to expand more into writing (oddly where I began on politics, now having difficulty). 

With all of that, I want a lot of time for my relationship. We get closer all the time even still. We were supposed to have our commitment ceremony yesterday but she got sick with a sinus infection which laid her out. It's okay, we will do the ceremony this week. We fully plan on having the rest of our lives together. 

It's working!!!

My efforts on politics are paying off! People are waking up!!!

This past week was the tipping point. People are actually listening to what I have had to say for over a year. 

Issues unit, names divide.

I have been telling people to get away from all the cultist use of names. Trump, Clinton, Sanders, DNC, RNC. That our problems have been here for decades, even centuries. That administration does not matter, party does not matter, candidate does not matter. Until we address the issues head on, we will continue in this cycle.

Couple of days ago, a few things happened in a short time frame which FINALLY illustrated my point. Trump was alleged to have said one word. There is no recording, no proof he said it. People went insane about it. Bashing him. I was one of the first to start pointing out that while they obsess over one word, we are bombing children in other countries. Silence. 

The same day he may have said that word, CONgress voted to extend the mass surveillance of Americans. The Demoncraps released 200 pages of allegations against Russia. Pages of evidence: 0. So, while they were compiling their 200 pages, what they were not doing was their job. Two issues are the most popular in political history. Single payer healthcare and legalization of cannabis. The Dims refuse to get behind these things as a party platform and the DNC elite have attacked the issues. 

As of this morning, I have had people sharing my posts widely. My videos are taking off. People who are leading voices are sharing my ideas and giving me credit. Some of whom had argued with me before. 

Many of my ideas are being spread. Like tax funded elections. 

I would like to be able to make money off of this but not counting on it any time soon. I'd love to pick up thousands of followers. But far more concerned with my ideas taking off. Maybe enough people will credit my name that the origin of the ideas will become apparent.

Can we finally move beyond the hate and division? I am really hoping. 

Very happy

I have slowed down on writing because my writing is my means of working through stress. Right now I am not under all that much stress. 

Things are going great with my gf. She was down emotionally today. Maybe because she has not been sleeping well. Or maybe she is going through a depressive phase, as she is bipolar as well. Not sure that fits because a depressive phase usually leads to sleeping a lot. 

Any way, she came over and we spent a number of hours together this evening. She says she is much happier and not down any more now.

She does want to put off our ceremony until next week. She has not finished her own vows. That's good because I still need to work on my own some more. I was sowing tassels onto the ribbons for the ceremony today. I was going to finish that and the vows tonight. Did not really expect her to come over today and certainly not for as long as she stayed. So I need to get to bed soon.

I finally got my first client for work this evening. Just saw it a few minutes ago. I will work on that first thing in the morning. 

I feel slightly nervous about the charting portion of this. I'm sure I will start off a little rough but will get better quickly. I'm going to keep doing additional training online to get better at it. Had a video conference class today about the charting system but the class was horrible. It was basically a cheer leading episode for the administrative people because they changed the color scheme. Then they referred any actual training to a separate training site, which I would have been working on if I had not been wasting time on that useless class. 

Oh, well.

I got the Christmas decorations all down and took them and the larger tools all to storage today. The apartment looks a lot better. 

Stacked a bunch of boxes in the closet a few days ago, so I could store gf's dolls in my room. Now I need to rearrange my room so it looks better.  

New commitments

New year, new experiences, new commitments. 

This is turning into a crazy week for me. All in good ways.

Start the new job this morning. I am excited but nervous. This is something I feel I will be really good at but it is so radically different from anything I have done before that it does make me nervous.

On the other hand, any mistakes I make will not place lives in immediate danger. Mostly I am nervous about making administrative mistakes that get me in trouble and whether I will make enough money starting off to make a living. I know I will in the long term but I have to gain some experience and build a client base. Building a client base will be slow at first. I have to get my feet under me, gain confidence and make a name for myself with the company as being competent. I have a good history of those things but ti takes a little time.

Cool thing about this job is that no small part of it cane be done at home in my sweats.

Rest of it means I have to go to people's homes and be dressed decently. Not in a suit but have to look professional. A suit may actually be detrimental. I don't want to look like a salesman. Guess business casual works best until I get a handle on my members.

Second thing is that I have agreed to be submissive at times to my gf, who has always been submissive her whole life. This will be the first time I have ever done that because I have always been dominant. For the first time it is something I am comfortable with. But she has been made by others to feel like less than she is and I want that to change. I want to give her a greater feeling of confidence in herself and trust in me on levels she has never experienced. Just as I have trust in her which I have never had for anyone else. She was not comfortable with the idea at first but after some talking last night, she is looking forward to it and so am I. 

I may have created a monster here. lol! JK. I think she will be good at it and we will explore parts of each other and ourselves which neither have explored before. 

Last and most important. She and I are having our commitment ceremony this week, probably Thursday. A handbinding ceremony. I had told her some weeks back that I was not comfortable at that time with it. I had to gain more confidence in where we were going before I could do that. Now I feel confident in her, in us. If I had any doubts, our conversation on New Year's settled that. We were up talking online until 4 AM that night. I take this ceremony very seriously and make this commitment with my whole heart. 

For the very first time in my life I will kneel for a woman. Not because of ceremony or expectation but by willing choice. I will kneel for a woman that has openly agreed to submit to me. I will submit to my submissive. 

I guess if people call me complex, I understand that now. This is something I needed at the core of my soul. Something no other woman has ever been able to comprehend but she does. And that is why I feel the way I do. Completely taken and bonded with her. On all levels.