Feeling blech

I feel like crap today. Seems like allergies but could also include UC problems. It's lightening up a bit after being awake for a while. That's good because I have to be at work in an hour.

I finally talked gf into asking her doc for a CT or some kind of imaging. She keeps having diarrhea and abdominal pain with a history of cancer. Labs do not always tell the whole story, so I think some kind of imaging is well warranted. Since I did the authorization for imaging for years plus worked for insurance companies on multiple occasions, I know the insurance would approve it. Not like she has had or requested imaging every month or even year. 

I'm finally ordering some more furniture for the apartment. Ordered a dresser for my bedroom. Asked daughter if she wants a dresser and she said no. I may order one for her room any way. Once mine gets here I can then move the shelves from the bedroom into the dining room for better organization. Besides, if I'm going to buy a house, I will need more furniture than what I've got now. So it's thinking ahead.

Wandering mind

My mind is wandering. Different subjects, unrelated. I don't mind when that happens. Means I'm not anxious. Just letting my thoughts flow. Some good, some not so good, some sound bad but they're not in my own perspective.

I know I have a strange perspective. At least at this point in my life. I've been through bad circumstances and experiences in my life. Luckily, none have killed me or permanently disabled me. Once a negative/harmful situation is over, I give myself time to think, to grieve, to examine. Even thinking what I could have done better. I do that a lot, as a nurse. No, nothing bad has to happen. I'm just always thinking of how things can be done better. Once that part is over, I try and keep the lessons, turn it into a chapter of my own personal story and drop the emotional response. I keep the emotions attached to positive experiences. To put it another way, if I can draw some positive from negative experiences, I focus on the positive. It dulls the pain of the bad, sometimes even kills it. 

Emotions are like being a rose gardener. After being stuck and scratched enough, people respond in different ways. 
Some hate the roses and will dig up the bush or let it die. Yet keep their hate. 
Others may embrace the thorns  but they embrace the pain, never actually seeing the roses. Then there are those who will risk the thorns, accept the occasional prick or scratch, seeing instead the beauty of the roses. They strive to keep the roses healthy so they can cultivate MORE roses, BIGGER roses, BETTER roses. They accept their mistakes and use the lessons to improve on their future efforts. 

I've had pics of when daughter was little rotating on my TV for a while. I like looking at them. But I am in some of those pictures. It did not register at first but then I was shocked to realize how different I looked then and now. While my hair is now mostly silver, I have fewer lines on my face than I did 14 years ago. I literally think I look younger in some ways. No small part of that is from learning I had an illness and dealing with it, getting it under control. Part is simply taking the time to learn about myself. But a large part really is that the relationship with my ex was severely damaging to me. Which did cause my illness to get worse. Though I did not know I had any illness at the time. You don't have to know you drank poison for it to kill you. So, the realization is not an indictment of my ex. It is realizing my life views have changed. It is taking the lessons and leaving the pain. Using those lessons to make today and tomorrow better. 

Far as my silver hair, I considered coloring it. But gf says she likes it and I found I do too. I wear it with honor. I have earned each silver hair on my head. Over 300 codes. Catching patients in mid-air. So my silver does not bother me.

I'm lucky to be one of the few with literally silver hair. Some people claim silver but it's really light gray. 

I'm awake

I'm awake. Did not want to be right now but I am. Woke up this morning, go to work tonight but not for a while. Tried to take a nap and pretty much failed. Oh, well. I got some rest.

Tonight will be my first night on my own. No longer in orientation. Slightly nervous, though I don't know why. There's little or no risk involved. Just me being me, wanting to do things right. 

Been dragging all day. Maybe just the weather. Rainy, dreary. 

Been fighting some ailments. Allergies are horrendous. But have gotten a little better. I think mostly mold, which I did not have to deal with in NM. 

For several weeks I was having problems with my right leg. Felt exactly like Achilles tendinitis. Tried doing stretches but not much improved. Then figured out some stretches that seemed pretty counter-intuitive but worked. Much improved now. Not completely gone but getting there. Not even sure what set that off. 

Haven't been getting a lot of writing done lately. I think all the antihistamines I've been taking affected me. Building up tolerance to them, so hope to get back at it soon. I have more than one piece I began but have not finished. Oh, well. They're not time sensitive. They had a certain period where they may have fit best but the conditions remain the same. And lots of people write on one subject all at once, saying the same thing. I tend to have different messages which go deeper. So maybe it's better mine come out later, so people have absorbed the initial and simpler concepts. 

So, turned out that the fabric paint I was trying to use cannot be sprayed. No matter how you thin it down, it cannot be sprayed. Probably nothing wrong with my airbrushes, so I did not need to buy more. That's okay. Now I have a set and can load them with different colors. Going to get deeper into this and see how good I can get with them. Maybe my artistic side will come out after all. Worth a try!

Not desperate

Got through my two night shifts for training. Signed up for a bunch of upcoming shifts. I think I will see if other facilities have any night shifts available. If possible, I'll just sign up for night shifts across the board, even if it has to be different facilities. I wanted to work multiple facilities, any way. Nights works best for me still. 

On checking my pay statement, found I am correct. I get paid extra for PRN and extra on top of that for second or third shift. So working nights is even better in that respect. I think it's an extra $1.50 but have to run numbers to be sure. If correct, that would be an extra $60 a week/$240 a month if I work 40 hours a week. Not a massive difference but not bad. If I'm wrong and it's more, even better. I know it's not less.

My medical experiment was a success. Pain is reduced, vagal nerve pressure is completely gone. Not one episode since trying this. Plus some other symptoms are gone which are more embarrassing to talk about. Even having less gas. That was unexpected. 

So, where socialization is concerned, I am not desperate. Besides, as I start working more again I will probably feel less need or desire for socializing. Guess the same problem exists everywhere now. Sign of the times? If you socialize with anyone they expect to claim some form of ownership or rights. I'm not on board with that. 

Going to get further into artistic endeavors to engage my mind. Need to start studying something again. What doesn't matter as long as it keeps my mind busy. 

Night shifts

I wanted to wait and see how the night shift works before submitting my schedule requests for the coming schedule, which had a lot of night shifts open. 

Turns out that the night shift will work out well for me. Largely for the people on the night shift. Like many medical facilities, the night shift has better cohesion and teamwork, does not engage in petty politics and meaningless power struggles which benefit nothing, none behave apathetically. Sounds like there was one previously on the night shift like that and is gone. Nobody regrets their absence. More autonomy and flexibility. Guess I'd call the work load about equal but different. I did not ask a single question all night and get ignored. Which had happened numerous times on evening shift and a little on day shift. 

So, between that, the fact that nights will work out best for other things and it may offer higher pay, I signed on for a lot of night shifts. Most of which will come after 6/10, when the new schedule begins. 

Well, the woman I was talking to online dropped the conversation with no warning. I think maybe she was looking for something other than what she was admitting. I was fine with just conversation. May have met for dinner or something like that. She said she wanted adult contact because she spends all her time working or with her kids. Wanted conversation and was only getting guys who wanted to hook up. Maybe I'll hear something more but I don't think so. Not going to chase, of course. For one thing, that just hands control over to her and gives up my control of myself. No thanks. 

I'll just keep looking for some intelligent conversation. A perennially losing effort. Always has to be something else.

GF is supposed to come over this afternoon and we may go to Grease on the Greens. the movie being played outside. That is, if it doesn't get rained out. Big rain storm coming in today? What some at work said. Haven't checked the weather. 

Self reflection

I know at times I seem arrogant, like I never question myself. The opposite is true. I question myself all the time.


In the case of talking to or even socializing with other people, I ask myself if I am doing something wrong. Then I have to look at it more objectively. Obviously I have nobody to discuss it with openly. That's kind of the problem.


So, where my gf is concerned, I came to a realization of just how many limits are involved here. I do not get to see her in many different conditions. I cannot go over there, she cannot come over here. This happens when: she is sick, it's a weekend, when she is out of town, when she has a meeting, when she is working on a newsletter, when her husband blocks her SUV in the garage, when her husband has her SUV instead of his car, When she is getting her hair or nails done, when my daughter is here, when it's a holiday, when it is night time or when it is morning. 


That's a lot of limits. I have said before that I knew what I was getting involved in and that limits would be involved. It just looks more and more like I was mistaken on the magnitude of this. The time we have had together has not really been impacted by my work schedule so far. If so, it was only a small impact. Though now she is going to start working again and that will probably affect how much time we have more than my schedule has to this point. Though my schedule may also affect it in the near future. 


Leave sex completely out of the picture and what this means is extreme social isolation. While I am an introvert and that doesn't affect me as much as most people, it does still have an effect. It is not like we have an arrangement where we live together or I can see her any time I like or if she is sick. I can only observe from a distance. So, if having emotional needs of my own makes me an asshole, I guess I have to adjust to the fact that I'm an asshole. 

Oh, and for the record, I had multiple previous ads up for platonic discussion. The number of replies I got, even if I contacted someone first? None. Not one reply, ever, at all. I put BDSM in the ad an the number of views, with no face pic, is ten times as many. I am far more likely to get a response, even if the person has no interest in that. But it starts a discussion. Interesting. 

Allergies suck

Allergies have been so bad that I have been taking an unbelievable list of allergy medications. I'm pretty much suppressing my entire immune system at this point. I am taking Primatene, Bendaryl, Claritin, Allegra, phenylephrine, Nasonex and saline nasal spray. Yet still having nasal drainage and coughing on occasion. 

My gf and other people with existing respiratory problems have it even worse. She's had antibiotics, codeine cough syrup and steroids. 


While she is sick, I will not get to see her and I haven't been able to discuss anything with her but her illness. Obviously she is really sick. They did a chest plus sinus xray, so glad she apparently doesn't have pneumonia. So far. 


Worked yesterday. Learned virtually nothing. It's annoying that the medical staff sits around jacking their jaws about inane crap. Then if I ask a question regarding medical care, the location of equipment, etc, I have to ask multiple times to be heard. Maybe some of it is racism. They seem to ignore me on purpose. Two nurses went in the medication room yesterday and closed the door to gossip. Not saying it had anything to do with me. Meanwhile, I went through the supply room and found it is a horrendous mess. Guess I have one project laid out for myself after orientation. Get that organized. Not going to do it while in training because credit will go to someone else and I know it. I also have a few suggestions to make their training more efficient. Critical thinking is how I operate. 


Since I will not be working on Fri, it is past time that I clean the carpets. Have not shampooed the carpet since moving in. It shows. Yuck. 


Well, since I have nobody to talk with about much at work or off work, I have started talking to someone on a dating site. Just for discussion. She lives in AL but I have no idea what city. I really began the discussion on general topics (politics, human rights) but my profile does talk about BDSM and she diverted the discussion to that rather quickly. She's inexperienced and not sure but had a lot of questions. It has not gotten graphic, just general ethics and such like negotiation, consent, etc. I doubt that we will ever meet but at least it's some kind of discussion to kill time and drag my mind away from politics for a while. 


I would love to have other things to fill my time. If social groups here were more reliable I'd be doing that. Maybe I can start taking some classes at some point if I can establish a somewhat stable schedule. I'd say online but I do need some kind of human interaction. This place is lonely. Nothing to do, nowhere to go that isn't redneck. Lots of places to eat but I can only eat so much. Have not felt up to going to the gym but may manage it tonight after work. Once again, even if I were in perfect health I can only tolerate the gym so much. I'm not a muscle head. 


My writing is getting more attention it seems. Got published on another site without asking. It doesn't pay but expands my reach. Waiting to see if I make any money from it for May when payments come out first week of June. Not expecting much. 

Rampant illness

Well, last weekend daughter had a sinus infection. Then I got it. Both got over it quickly. Then my allergies kicked in worse than they have in many years. 

I may have passed the infection to my gf. I did not think I was infectious any more the last time I saw her. In any case, she has also had really bad allergies. Says her drainage has been clear. But wound up having to go to the doctor twice. For one thing, she had an allergic reaction to the cough medicine they gave her the first time. Now she's on codeine cough medicine and steroids. However, she has diabetes, silicosis and asthma. So if she has a respiratory problem, it's bad. 

Of course I did not get to see her today. Did not expect to. Just hope she gets better soon. She's had multiple rounds of illness recently. Makes me feel bad that I can't do anything about it. 

Got a nice surprise this weekend. An unexpected check for a decent amount from overpaying my home insurance before selling the house! Plus I had a couple of small checks from a class action lawsuit (what you get from those are a joke) and closing a bank account which I had not yet cashed. 

What remains of the tax refund, the money above and my first check from the new job coming this Fri means I am getting back on my feet financially. If I get enough hours after done with training, I'll be able to move ahead monetarily rather quickly. Guess I'll know in a couple of weeks. 

Got something I had ordered in the mail today. Slightly graphic here. 

Got an inflatable butt plug. Not for pleasure but for medical purposes. I explained that a few weeks ago. I tried it earlier and it was not pleasurable in my case, with ulcerative colitis. Though that is the reason I got it. However, after using it for a while (static), it does seem to have helped a lot. I feel less pressure, more relaxed. Hoping I can get that back to semi-normal. 

It is kind of strange how much I tend to get stenosis in various areas. Eustachian tubes, urethra, rotator cuff, now anal. Though they are all areas I've wound up with varying forms of damage in one way or another. So I guess it's scar tissue that draws up to tight. Lucky I don't have it in my spine. Knock on wood. So far I have been able to loosen the scar tissue in each area with no surgery. Want to keep it that way.  

Things like that make me happy to be a nurse. If I were not, I'd probably have doctors wanting to do surgery on all my body parts. I don't want to wind up a Frankenstein monster, cut to pieces and stitched back up. No desire to compare surgical scars with anyone. I have enough scars from cooking, criminals and violent women. 

More positive

Well, things between gf and I have taken a far more positive turn from my perspective. She appears to agree. 

None of my views are meant to indicate by ANY stretch that sex is the most important part of our relationship or any real relationship. It is important for two relatively healthy people, though. I've said before that my libido gets stronger as my emotions do. Those parts of me are intricately entwined. Brain chemistry? Probably. By no means do I only focus on my own needs and ignore hers.

That said, it's really the intensity that matters to me more than the frequency. For me it's basically all or nothing. Emotional and sexual intensity go hand in hand, limited only by health issues or emotional preferences. In no way do I wish for us to have sex every time we are together. That is a false and selfish desire which would turn sex into an expectation, a requirement, a chore which would cause a rift over time for good reason. 

But damn she's good! Never felt like this with anyone before. Never actually want to again. 

She has been sick on and off for days. I suspect she may have C Diff after several long rounds of antibiotics not long ago. I keep trying to get her to go to urgent care and have a stool culture done but she keeps resisting. That is one thing that annoys me. We've been through this on several issues. When she does finally decide to go, she does so on a day when we are supposed to see each other. I would not mind except when there are other options. We could not see each other yesterday. She has an appointment this afternoon with her cardiologist. So if she goes to urgent care it will be this evening or tomorrow, when we can see each other. If she goes early tomorrow, fine. I get off work at 3. If she waits too late, I may not see her at all until Monday. 

Yes, I still feel down when I do not see her for too many days. Not something I regret in the least. She adds to my life. Besides, I have the nurturing side that wants to take care of her and make her feel better when she is sick or down. 

Next week is not too bad for my schedule. I have to work evenings Tue and Wed, night shift Thur, Fri and Sat. We can see each other when I work the night shift, at least for a while. May be best if I have time to rest after she leaves and before work. I'd like it more if I saw her in the morning after work but that's not going to happen and I know it. 

Some aspects of the job are going well. Other parts are going to be difficult for me personally. Those parts are too slow. There's too little to do. Add no electronics allowed and it will kill brain cells for me. (Or feel like it.) Have not really found people I can have stimulating intelligent discussions with yet. I never thought I'd live in a place where that was more rare than New Mexico but here I am. Ugh. Though it may give me a chance to shine on performance. I'll have time to organize and clean. The medication records are a mess, with different people writing things different ways. No solid standards. They had a computer system but it was owned by the previous company, who took the computers with them. (I'm guessing proprietary software because they left other equipment behind, including fairly expensive computer mounting hardware.) The new company says they will install new computers in a few months. I'll be happy when that happens. Until then that may give me a headache. In some areas so many people gather and talk about inane crap it drives my agoraphobia into full gear. That may be better on the night shift. Find out next week. May actually be worse. With inmates asleep, more staff may gather in one area. By the infirmary is the gathering place. Great. 

No matter. Pay is decent for this area, schedule is under my control to some degree and I can go from place to place to keep from getting too bored. Waiting to see how pay increases with shifts. I have not yet asked. I'm basing budget on base pay, which I can live on. Anything more I will consider extra and try to lay aside. Best way to think of it. 

Positive changes.. kind of

GF came over on Thur. We had a good night in many respects. The best so far in some ways. I needed that badly. I was surprised because she was really sore from her exercise classes. But I gave her a massage early in the evening. (Not with any intent but relieving her pain.)

She voices more interest in sex than she had been. Including things we have discussed before. Starting to lean that way on occasion. Have to wait and see if it continues. I love her very much and want to know my own needs and desires will be met inside of our relationship. 

Fri she was sick. Gastric problems. Still sick today. So don't get to see her from Thur until Tue. I have to work the afternoon shift tomorrow.

Then daughter had a sinus infection this weekend. She followed my advice and it's nearly gone already. We just didn't do much this weekend. She played a lot of video games. 

I've run some numbers and figure if I work enough and control my expenses I can save up at least $1000 a month on the new job. So in only a few months I will be able to make a decent down payment on a house. Prices are low here and this job puts me fairly high on the pay spectrum for the area. I also expect the housing market to tank soon, driving prices down further. Interest rates will go up and that part sucks but it is what it is. Try and work things out so I have a low monthly payment so it's not a risk. Get money in savings for security. Make extra payments toward capital. 

Before then, I need to invest in a few things. Like a second vehicle. Pretty sure the timing belt on this one is about to go. Should last a few more weeks. I want to see how much it will cost to have that and the AC done in the shop. But in any case, I need another vehicle to drive while this one is down for repairs. Even if I wind up doing the work myself. I prefer having a second vehicle for safety, any way. Plus an extra vehicle may be a good idea before GF and I move in together because there's no way to predict what her soon-to-be-ex will do. Not expecting violence but financial and property sabotage. So it would be best to have something we can each drive. 

I'm going to start window shopping, browsing property for sale in the area. Just get a loose handle on what is here. 

Day 3

Day 3 on the job went rather well. Aside from people intentionally getting in the way all day. At work, on the road, in the store, everywhere.

Got a haircut after work. Skipped the gym. Been battling Achilles tendinitis for the first time in 30+ years. Been having pain from my right foot all the way up to my hip. Plus right shoulder pain extending to the middle of my back. Tendon was from the gym, shoulder was from working on the van. The end result was the entire right side of my body in severe pain. Getting better now. Started doing stretches I had forgotten for the ligament. That loosened it up. Got a new pair of shoes after work, also. See if that helps ease heel pain. 

So, the neighbor across the way spoke today. Not just to me but next door neighbor whom I was talking to at the time. She's not bad looking. Has a fairly nice butt, too. In the medical field but don't know what she does. She was wearing scrubs. 

GF went to her classes tonight. Says she is hurting after doing so. Plans on coming over here after I get off work tomorrow. I'm expecting she will bring food over, eat after she's here, won't be able to stay very late. If we have sex it will be after several hours and over too quickly. 

I probably won't even push the issue of BDSM any more. Tired of talking about it. If I bring it up, something happens to prevent it immediately after. 

Funny, now that I'm working she can get to bed earlier. Not awake until 5 or 6 AM any more. 

I love her but these are all signs of intentional or subconscious sabotage of the relationship. 

I need to get laid. In a serious manner. 

No surprise

Second day at work and it went well. I basically took over one aspect of the medication pass for much of the morning. Of course I was a little slow, getting used to the system. Was checking different things along the way, also.

The nurse training me put meds together for the segregated units (one step up from solitary isolation) and I passed the meds on my own. 

GF came over this afternoon. Could only stay a short while. Picked up food and ate while she was here. The dress idea was moot. I was excited for nothing. Wish I could say I was surprised but I'm not. I should have been surprised but this has become the standard. I enjoyed seeing her, spending time with her but not what I had hoped for. Not even a quickie. Won't see her tomorrow. She promises it will happen on Thur but.. I'm not counting on it living up to what I suggested. 

Wonder what she would think if she knew the woman who just moved in seems to be passive-aggressively eyeing me? Far too passively to be worth anything. I just noted that she kept her blinds closed all the time when she moved in. Then a few days ago she saw me transplanting plants and since then she has been keeping her blinds open. She may have seen me with my shirt off one day too. That was not by intent. I merely stepped out to have a cigarette with no shirt when nobody was around. Or so I thought. She walked out her door at that time. (Keeping blinds open since then, too.) But has not even said hello. So not a threat. 

Oh, well. Since I am alone tonight, just getting laundry done. Not much else to do. Maybe watch the rest of Stranger Things tonight. How exciting. 

I did figure something out about the pay at the new job versus old. At the old job I was averaging maybe 32 hours on a good week. I only have to work 26 hours to exceed the pay I got from that 32. If I work 32 hours, I make more than $160 more for the same hours, new vs old. That's at base pay, with no differential. I plan on working more than 32 on average. 

Second day

First day on the new job went well. Simple system. Mostly learning my way around and specific precautions, which are fairly obvious. 

They want to get me through orientation, so they have me working all week on the morning shift, various units, so I can cross over. Exactly what I wanted to do. 

Think I may enjoy this. Funny to think when I first started doing PRN per diem work I was really nervous years ago.

That gets me a real paycheck. So I'm much happier. 

GF came over yesterday. We had a good evening. Talking, spending time together, no TV. Unfortunately I was in a lot of pain from last week. Feel a bit better this morning. 

She plans to be here this afternoon. I told her to wear a dress for reasons I have mentioned before. She agreed and says she looks forward to it. Yay! 

She seems to be trying to spend more time with me now that I am working. She says things and behaves as though my working and making a decent paycheck makes her nervous. That's funny because it should make her more secure. I am working toward a better future together for us. 

If I can get enough hours on the job, I'll be able to save up at least $1000 every month. That will let me get a house really soon. May be difficult with financing because of time on the job being short. Have to wait and see. If nothing else, I can rent a house until I have more time on the job. They like at least a year. However, I also have a prior mortgage record which is in my favor for several years of payments on time. 

First day

Today is my first day as a prison nurse. Have to be at work in a little over an hour. 

If I haven't said it, I have no problem with that. Prisoners are people and deserve medical care. That does not mean I will not be cautious. 

Not really sure yet how my schedule will play out. Have to wait and see. 

GF said she will be over this afternoon after I get off from work. She says around 4. That remains to be seen. I'm not expecting any time before 5. 

My little self experiment seems to be helping. Though one of the items I ordered was too small or just not designed properly for my use. Won't stay in place. I have another one ordered. See how that works. In any case, I feel better. Having fewer of the issues I was having before. Some things even I do not write about openly. Maybe someday. 

Have not been getting to the gym lately. Working on the van. Daughter did not want to go yesterday. Ugh.

Been spending some money on artistic supplies. Backing away a little from directly political issues. Though in other ways, approaching politics from an oblique angle by addressing social issues instead. But for my own benefit, starting to put some effort into more artistic endeavors. Like sewing, clothes, etc. Plus painting on cloth. Going to drag out the air brush and play with some of that. I should practice on some old clothes or scrap cloth first. From there I can go to painting other items. 

Okay, have to get ready for work. 

Hired!

Got the paperwork packet yesterday morning for the new job offer. I had misunderstood and thought it would come by email. Then got the call yesterday afternoon. Background check cleared, I start training Mon morning. 

So, the $23.50 is my base pay. I will get paid more in reality. I get additional pay for working PRN and more on top of that for shift differential on evening or night shifts. So per hour I should be getting much closer to what I was paid in NM. I think there may also be differences according to which facility and which units I work. Mental health may pay more than doing med passes, for example. High security facilities will pay more than low security. So the highest paying (and most dangerous) will be mental health in a high security facility. In that case, money may be great but how much am I will to take that risk? Remains to be seen. I know I'll do it at least once and see how it goes. Just because I know me. 

Still waiting for my NM tax refund. Got last deposit from the plasma center this morning. All that gives me a good segue from one job to the next where pay is concerned. 

GF came over early yesterday. We had a great evening. I was right that her digestive issues were from stress. After she spent some time with me, her stomach calmed down and she felt much better. The irony is that when she does not feel well, I am less likely to see her. 

I did the front brakes on the van yesterday. However, it has dual calipers on each side and I got air in the lines. Almost impossible to do dual calipers without having to bleed the system. Not enough fluid and no tubing, so I had to walk to auto parts store a while ago. 

Well, NOW I am feeling the humidity here! Less than a 2 mile walk and I was sweating like crazy! Plus while walking, my right leg spasmed badly. I could feel the tendons and ligaments pull taut like piano strings. I had forgotten to take my Baclofen this morning. Bad thing to forget. 

So, cooling down and waiting for spasm to stop. Then bleed the brakes. 

Flat

Today was flat. 

No call back from the job. 

GF did not come over at all. Said she was having nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. I figured it was stress. 

Never got the brakes done. Went out, got the tire off, two smaller bolts off the caliper. Then could not break the larger bolt with the ratchet. Turned out I did not have the right size socket in 1/2". So, went and got a new set of impact sockets from Harbor Freight. By that time, the sun was getting ready to go down. Could have gotten one side done but not both. I'd rather get all of it done at once if I'm going to get that dirty. So, getting to bed soon and do it in the morning. 

I, myself, have been flat today. I'm out of the manic cycle. That didn't last long. Probably would heave if I had had things to put more energy into. I can enjoy being in a manic cycle under the right circumstances. This time it was just frustrating. Little to no sex. Karaoke sucked. Nothing else to do. No job. Daughter didn't want to move all weekend. Ex being.. herself. All I could do was write. That was my only outlet. 

Maybe I have swung all the way back into a depressive cycle. At least it doesn't get much worse than this for me at this age. I go flat. Libido is gone. At least I still feel like writing. 

Or maybe I'm just in a place where I don't expect much from anyone. Sure seem to be in the right time and place for that. 

Edit- I had just closed this when I checked my email. One good thing happened today! I started getting paid for my writing! It's not much. Seriously, not much. However, it's a start. First time I've been paid for my writing in years. So I need to keep that going. 

Planning ahead

Called this morning to ask the company what is happening with my application. No return call yet.

The gf seems to be planning ahead. On Monday, she had no sleep. Tue, doctor appt and went out of town. Today, nausea and vomiting. She thinks from food poisoning she had on Fri or Sat. Basically that is an announcement of no sex today.

No telling what will happen Thur or Fri.

I have not yet gotten out to do the brakes today. Just haven't felt like it. Try and kick myself in motion shortly. 

At least I got the dishes done and some house cleaning. 

New cologne

Yeah, my life has become so boring I talk about changing my cologne. I guess actually now a body oil? I like it. It has a stronger aroma than the cologne I was previously using. So, hoping the gf likes it.

Did not get the brakes done today. Did not really feel up to it early in the day. Then I had to go shopping. 

Got to the gym and pushed really hard on the areas I mentioned I am working on. Seeing decent results. While I'm not going up on weight stacks, I am increasing reps and doing multiple rotations now. Did well over 100 crunches today on the weight resistance machine. Not using massive weights there because I want definition, not mass around my abs. The six pack gets more visible all the time. So I'm happy with it. 

Not seeing gf today. She had a doctor appointment and her uncle is in the hospital in Birmingham. Hope she's okay. Traffic sucks, long drive, coming back at night. Plus she is prone to stress and depression. Glad her husband is driving at least part of the time. 

For me, Still manic, still horny as hell. Too bad so sad for me, eh? I probably won't see her for long tomorrow, if at all. Thur not sure. Fri not sure. On my own on that issue. 

Still waiting to hear something back from employer. Nothing yet. WTF? I'll have to call in the morning. See if something is holding it up. 

I'll get the brakes done in the morning. Try and get to bed early tonight.