So, I have mentioned that I am in a depressive cycle. What I have not mentioned (I think) is that this is the worst depressive cycle I have had in nearly 30 years. Longest in length, worse in depth.
To top it off, the past few days I have had a UC flare. Thought it was simply something I ate but apparently not because that would end as soon as it cleared my system. Instead, it's still happening. Yesterday I was only able to eat some rice. Managed to force myself to eat a couple of cupcakes last night at work. Just for calories.
My depressive cycles can be different from many people. I can laugh, joke, think clearly for the most part. My motivation takes a dive. I've had a writer's block for weeks. I have a libido but less likely to be assertive about it.
The description by Sylvia Plath fits well. A Bell Jar. It is like being in a glass dome looking out. Separated, isolated. You see all that happens around you but it's not directly connected to you. You wait for someone to list the jar and interact, maybe join you for a time. Not to share misery, just to share. Once in a while for your benefit. It usually seems like anyone that lifts my jar will reach in enough to take something, then leave. They may want me to leave the jar but at the time I'm not ready. My body and brain chemistry is not ready.
So the worst part is loneliness. Though I realize I can actually see things more clearly when in this state. My emotions move to the center. I still care about others around me. Still willing to do and listen. Less likely to seek out things, people, conditions, situations to care about. I become more technical than emotional. That's when I see that most people are always only interacting for themselves. What they can get from me. What I want doesn't matter.
So nothing about them or their interactions with me changes. I wind up dealing with it alone. Nobody is going to ask what my needs are. They'll make their own assumptions and dictate what they think I want. Based on some little amount they are willing to give with no cost, no risk. Heaven forbid I want something like time, attention, affection.
I doubt this will continue much longer. I'm less likely to make harsh decisions when in this state like I did when I was younger and did not know I was bipolar. But when I come out of it, I see things differently. I realize who is here and how much.
To top it off, the past few days I have had a UC flare. Thought it was simply something I ate but apparently not because that would end as soon as it cleared my system. Instead, it's still happening. Yesterday I was only able to eat some rice. Managed to force myself to eat a couple of cupcakes last night at work. Just for calories.
My depressive cycles can be different from many people. I can laugh, joke, think clearly for the most part. My motivation takes a dive. I've had a writer's block for weeks. I have a libido but less likely to be assertive about it.
The description by Sylvia Plath fits well. A Bell Jar. It is like being in a glass dome looking out. Separated, isolated. You see all that happens around you but it's not directly connected to you. You wait for someone to list the jar and interact, maybe join you for a time. Not to share misery, just to share. Once in a while for your benefit. It usually seems like anyone that lifts my jar will reach in enough to take something, then leave. They may want me to leave the jar but at the time I'm not ready. My body and brain chemistry is not ready.
So the worst part is loneliness. Though I realize I can actually see things more clearly when in this state. My emotions move to the center. I still care about others around me. Still willing to do and listen. Less likely to seek out things, people, conditions, situations to care about. I become more technical than emotional. That's when I see that most people are always only interacting for themselves. What they can get from me. What I want doesn't matter.
So nothing about them or their interactions with me changes. I wind up dealing with it alone. Nobody is going to ask what my needs are. They'll make their own assumptions and dictate what they think I want. Based on some little amount they are willing to give with no cost, no risk. Heaven forbid I want something like time, attention, affection.
I doubt this will continue much longer. I'm less likely to make harsh decisions when in this state like I did when I was younger and did not know I was bipolar. But when I come out of it, I see things differently. I realize who is here and how much.
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