Rethinking Polyamory

Most of my life I have been happiest in monogamous relationships. Or, at least I talked myself into that mindset. The literal truth is that monogamy has not served me well at all. 

So, lately I have been rethinking polyamory. Not to be confused with polygamy or swinging. Those are different. 

Polyamory is where a person is either single or in an open relationship where one or more partners can have other long term intimate partners with an emotional connection to each partner. Usually these are limited in scope and each primary or tertiary partner agrees to keep the arrangement limited. 

This seems like something which would serve me much better than monogamy. I've been in relationships with too many emotionally unstable partners that ultimately left me feeling more alone than when I have been single and unattached. At least if I am unattached, I have no expectations and so cannot be disappointed. 

This would be better than remaining in damaging relationships for far too long as I have done in the past. If one partner is busy or intentionally disappoints me, I am not left alone. If one partner leaves, it does not leave me emotionally devastated with nobody to share my feelings with. 

It is not a question that I have the capacity to love more than one person. 

Considering most of my past relationships have also made me feel incomplete in some way because I always felt they could only relate to me in limited ways, seeing as my personality apparently is more complex than most. So, having more than one partner would at least allow me to feel more complete in the relationships. 

Of course, infectious disease is a concern. I plan on using protection, at least until all partners are tested, including myself. 

So, this is the course I am going to follow, or at least try to follow. 

Feeling better

The past week or so has been really rough emotionally. 

I think no small part of it is because I fell into a damaging cycle. I started drinking too much and had little or no appetite. So, for a number of days the majority of my caloric intake was actually from alcohol. Which, being mostly carbs, means I fell into a cycle of hypoglycemia, which has drastic emotional effects. 

In addition, I was not taking my supplements as I should. I did take medications but know I forgot supplements a few times. So, my iron my well have been low, leaving me prone to anemia.

Got a reply from the woman I mentioned. I have come to the absolute conclusion I dodged a bullet on this. She is emotionally and possibly psychologically unstable, irresponsible and immature. So, I am much better off with her not wanting to remain friends or maintain contact. No telling how that would wind up. 

Since getting my diet back to somewhat normal and reducing drinking, I am feeling much better. Regained my own emotional balance. In fact, being released from all emotional commitments has made me feel far more balanced than I have for some while. I have no more internal conflicts going on about whether I am cheating, being disloyal or unfair. 

My gf has been saying she misses me and is depressed. That does make me feel bad but at the same time, I don't see any difference. She was always depressed any way. It did not start with the pandemic and kept getting worse, along with her distance and seeming apathy toward my feelings. 

The gathering I had considered for tonight was cancelled. Not enough responses. I'll try again for next Wed. I'll still have it even if only guys show up. Least it would be someone to talk to that I can relate to at some level, assuming any are Dom or Sub. 

Instead, tonight I picked up an extra shift. Signed up for next Tue night, also. Staffing is seriously short and the extra money will be a benefit in the long term. Not like I have anything else to do. 

I think for the next schedule I am going to schedule myself off on Thur and Fri nights. Maybe, just maybe that will give me some chance at having a social life. I'm not sure. I still hate being in crowds and there's no place for karaoke here. Nah, I'll hold off on that. If I meet someone that I am interested in enough and things seem stable enough to try, I can change my schedule later. 

This is what I need most of all. Stability, consistency, loyalty. Those things indicate caring. After that come affection and intimacy. Things I lacked with my gf. Thought were possible with the other one. I've really concluded that people in AL are especially unreliable and unstable. It's in the culture. They consider it normal and expected. So, if I meet anyone with those values, they are most likely to be from out of state. 

New Change of Direction

Well, since my social life has been so pathetic, as has my romantic life for so long, I have decided to make a change. 

I know the woman I sent the apology to is not going to respond. I have no delusions. It is entirely possible I dodged a bullet on that one. Maybe I was falling into what would have been another harmful and toxic relationship. Better it ended when it did. 

Yes, I could be wrong about that as well. Maybe she thinks the same about me. Never know since we did not have the time to know each other better. 

Any way, the BDSM community here has not been having any kind of gatherings or alternatives since this entire virus thing began. The way I feel about it now is that most precautions are fairly useless. It's far too late. Especially with things opening back up and so many using no precautions at all, people will contract it or not. 

People are getting antsy. Including me. So, I am going to try setting up a BDSM discussion/social group at my house, maybe on a weekly basis. I will start this week. 

I am still the same, I want a monogamous relationship. These meetings will not be swingers parties. It's fine if people make arrangements for their own hookups outside my house but I'm not interested in having a bunch of strangers having sex in my house and having to clean up afterward. I am not going to be looking for any polyamorous arrangements for myself, either. Though it could be  possibility I could meet someone compatible at such meetings or through a social contact made at one of these meetings. If not, at least it gives me a chance for a social life and make some friends.

One problem with the meetings that have taken place here are that they have been in public spaces. A sandwich place. I feel like that limits conversation and suppresses expression. Nobody can drink, smoke, toke or truly relax. Graphic discussion must be kept quiet as to not offend other customers, since it is a family place. (I tend to wonder if the ones arranging the meetings are the franchise owners.) 

So, if I hold the meetings at my house, I can make them BYOB, adult only. People can smoke on the deck, drink as they please, etc. If someone is exhibitionistic, they can feel free to disrobe. 

My screen name on Fetlife is montgomerymaster. So, maybe it's time I live up to that screen name. 

Ending Two relationships In 3 Days

In the past 3 days, I ended 2 relationships.

First, I will start with the gf I have had for over 2 years. I've mentioned many times the problems we had, how everything was always about her. I have not even seen her since early Feb. Then, over the last few months, our correspondence became less and less and more and more sporadic, unreliable. If I sent her a message, I would not receive a reply for several hours. She claimed she was sleeping on and off. Did not matter if it was morning or evening. Yet she claimed to not be sleeping at night, until right about the time I would be getting home from work. Though on my nights off, she would be going to bed at around 10 PM. 

When we did talk (text), it would basically always be about illness, animals or depression/depressive subjects, which she makes a habit of intentionally seeking out and fixating on. 

This morning it finally became too much. I've known the relationship would never go further, especially in any direction I wanted it to go. I was never manipulative and had said from the beginning how I wanted it to go, yet it never happened. 

This morning, she texted and told me she had been watching videos of police abusing civilians for several hours and got so upset she had not slept all night. Of course, she fell asleep right after telling me this. I finally told her I'd had enough. I will remain her friend but anything more than that was over. 

She finally had an actual discussion with me this evening. Mostly feeling sorry for herself and acting like I had said I would end all communication with her, which I had made clear was not what I was saying. However, I never changed my mind. 

The other relationship was with a woman I had started seeing only a few short weeks ago. It had been platonic, though we discussed going beyond that and she said she was excited. I gave her many chances to change her mind. Even so, I loved her company, just talking with her, her presence. One of the last times I saw her in person, I mentioned the difficulties with our different schedules. She said we would work through any problems together. That statement made me feel good. It all seemed like we agreed on moving forward with a monogamous and stable relationship. So I thought. 

On Thur, I asked if she wanted to come over for lunch from her work. She could not leave work that day, so I asked if she wanted me to bring her something. She declined. 

On Fri, just after noon, she texted and asked if I was ghosting her. No good morning, no prior text, nothing. I had slept late that morning because my sleep schedule has been really messed up lately. I explained I had just awakened. The next thing she says that she thinks she is going to stop dating for a while. Translation: She no longer wanted to see me. She claimed she doesn't have time. 

I was nice at first, said she could contact me if or when she decided to change her mind. However, after some thought, I changed my mind. I said don't contact me again because people who treat you as disposable will continue doing so. I also emailed her and said I did not believe the reasons she gave, that I believed she wanted to see other men or gotten back with her ex. Though I told her that even if that had been the case, she could have discussed it with me and we could have remained friends. I also said that telling me by text was not right. She should have told me in person, by phone or even a longer email explaining her feelings and rationale. Some form of actual communication. 

What I did not say is that she gave me the impression that both of her sons are now out of town and she sent me this message the exact day her second son was going out of town. I had not seen her or texted too much the previous two days because she said she wanted to spend time with him before he left. So, with both sons gone, she actually has MORE time free. It was not like I would try and monopolize every minute of her time. 

She blocked me electronically. Finally, on Sun morning, I tried writing an apology through email. Then by text. No response from either, so I suspect she had blocked them. 

Ultimately, I looked up her street address. I wrote the apology and mailed it snail mail. I also ordered flowers to be delivered to her house. 

In the letter, I said I would like to remain platonic friends with her. I do love her company. I do mean the platonic part because to go beyond that would mean assuming a level of trust which has now been damaged. I miss talking, visiting and texting with her. I had really felt close to her. Too close, too fast. I know better. 

So, maybe she will respond, maybe she won't. I hope she does but I expect the letter to be returned unopened. That will be the last attempt I make at contacting her. No matter what, I did not feel right ending on such a bad note. If nothing else, extending the apology and making the effort makes me feel a little better for things I said. Those words were said because I was hurt, angry and very confused. Not at all sure how things had changed so drastically and quickly. It's the worst I have acted to anyone in decades and even then there was more basis to it the last time I did. Well, any time I did. 

Even if she does not reply, I hope she at least reads the apology.