Closer?

She and I appear to be getting closer. Last week she showed more submission than she had for quite some time. Been talking about it since then. 

Did not get to see much of her last week because one of her friends was in the hospital and another died unexpectedly and suddenly. I feel badly for her and what she is going through emotionally.

At the same time maybe I should question whether karma is sending me a message?

Yesterday I gave her the key to my place. Maybe I should have made the presentation more dramatic. She accepted it but it seemed like it held no importance. Or at least not much. It was a big thing to me. I am very private. I have not given out a key to my house since I broke up with the ex. It is something I have done very few times in my life at all. Only 5 times before this and only once to someone not living with me when I did. So in 4 cases, it was a key to their own home. 

Maybe I let my own fear talk too much. 

Last night was my first time orienting at night at the second prison. It went well with no problems. I think I will like this job. Only time will tell for sure. 

Good news

Good news. I called the other prison to see if they have any PRN night shifts available and they said yes. Sounded rather happy to hear from me. 

Since I am already in the system, they did not delay, asked when I can orient. I said Tue and they said okay. I'll be there at 7 AM Tue. They said it is the largest prison in AL and have multiple medical units, including an ER. There is an "ER" at Kilby but it is literally a room. Which is locked when not in use. This prison (Staton) made it sound like they actually staff their ER. I'll have to ask more about that. 

I know it will not be a true ER. Unlikely they do ACLS there. No lab, no radiologist at all times, no ability to do a heart cath. I know they will not be setting broken bones. So it's really more like an urgent care clinic, if anything. 

So, if I get more hours there and a consistently decent number of hours between both facilities, I'll be happy. Been spinning my wheels for a while now. Kilby is playing favorites and seem to be trying to manipulate me into working shifts I do not care to work. Second shift is always short of staff and for good reason. The ones who remain on that shift are loud, obnoxious, unprofessional and spend more time laughing and flirting than working. The day shift is full of drama queens that play petty power games. No intervention to control it. I have no stomach for it. Besides, bouncing between shifts takes time from daughter and gf, aside from taking a toll on my health. Physically and emotionally. 

If I am ever going to buy a house here, I have to increase my income. 

My first video to raise money sucked. It had lag, audio problems and my mind was not focused. It showed. So I need to redo that. 

Alone

A couple of days ago, I finally got things moving to increase my efforts to get some kind of income going from my writing. Started a GoFundMe page, updated my Patreon page. 

I wrote a post and then made a new video, first one in months. 

I was not really organized and the video did not come out well. Going to redo it. But I showed it to my gf. In it, I state that I am single. The context is that I have things that require time, such as mundane tasks. I also mentioned work and my daughter. It's obvious in the video that I was not well focused. 

Because I did not mention having a gf, she got upset. From there, seemed like she did not hear anything else in the video. The only comments she made were about me not mentioning her and that the video was too long. Each one multiple times.

I explained the rationale and it does remain valid. I have nobody helping with cooking, cleaning, housework, etc. Sure as hell nobody paying my bills but I did not mention that. I just now thought of that. 

She said she did not sleep all night because of that. Really? For that?

This upsets me for something on a very different level. This is an effort I have been building to for several years. I have put many, many hours, a lot of work and a lot of emotion into. I have hopes for my writing, not only for an income but for positive changes I hope to make in the way people think. To improve this country and the world. Yet she took that effort and turned the entire subject into something about her. 

Nothing else has been about me. Not in the ways I have said I want. Lately she has been saying things about how I will be better off materially with her. That would be nice but I'm not materialistic. What does matter to me just gets delayed or completely ignored. For coming onto a year now. 

She also still keeps interrupting me when I speak a lot. By contrast, I already speak only a fraction of how much she does. I'm usually listening. So when she does that it just seems to indicate that she doesn't care much what I have to say.

So, at this point I feel very much emotionally alone. I don't ask anyone to help me with anything. 

Starting to think I need some time to myself. 

Actions speak louder than words

Daughter had a lot of homework this weekend. So we stayed home, she worked on that and we watched videos, listened to music. I wrote the first part of an article but couldn't focus all that well. Get more writing done at work tonight if I have time. 

Haven't gotten started on getting funding going. Second attempt. I may have more success now that I have a LOT of writing already done to use as examples of my work. No small number of videos. 

Heard Jimmy Dore say to get his channel off the ground took $60,000. I'm not going for anything quite so elaborate. If I get there, I get there. I do hope to get there but not hoping for that much of a starting point by any means. 

My gf started talking about things we had discussed before. For the most part, I could not bring myself to go into the discussion very far. At this point, I'm emotionally locked on that. The discussion has taken place too many times but then ends with discussion. Nothing results from the discussion.

I know she loves me or believes she does. I know there are many limits on us and that she has multiple health issues. But when is there a singular day that becomes about my wishes? She asks me what I want to watch on Netflix but I don't really care much about that. I don't think she gets the point and I had figured she of all people would understand me in that respect. 

Maybe I am too dramatic and demanding. Too selfish. 

Back to the same place

Well, back full circle. She doesn't seem to notice that our relationship has largely gone directly back where it was. All about her.

Few weeks ago I made some statements of things I'd like to happen. They haven't. She hasn't noticed that I have not mentioned them again. She did give me a massage one night. Once. In almost a year. 

I'm not angry. Not depressed. More apathetic about it now. I see no point in putting my emotional energy into the thought. Definitely see no benefit in making an effort. 

She's noticed I've stopped singing to her. Maybe she's noticed I rarely cook for her any more. Don't massage her half as often. 

If we talk online I can say something because I'm typing. In person, she is oblivious to the fact that she interrupts me when I try to speak. Sometimes even when I am answering a question of hers. She has not noticed that I simply stop speaking. 

So, that idea of an equal relationship, a passionate relationship was once again a fantasy in my own head. 

Oh, well. Not really sure what I will do from here right now. Because I'm not bringing the subject up again. If she cannot see it, there's really no point in discussing it. I don't want any more promises. 

I am going to keep trying to get my writing seen by more people. It is happening slowly. Need to try again for more funding. GoFundMe, Kickstarter, Patreon. Try and get some articles published in online journals. Plus start working on putting some writing together into a book. 

At this moment I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. Not horribly so. Probably feel better after some sleep.