New Years Eve 2014

I got off work early today. It was slow. I packed calories and took a short (about 30 minute) nap. 

I was going to clean house and stuff like that but decided I'll do that all day tomorrow. That's a good way to start the new year.

Decided to go to karaoke. There is a chance of snow but later in the night. Definitely not closing the bar down. No urge to be on the road on New Year's Eve in Abq with a chance of snow and temps below freezing. I'd much rather be driving explosives in Germany or in 4 ft of snow in the mountains. It would be considerably safer. So, I'll leave the bar maybe a little after MN. 

I'm adding another resolution to my list. Going to make a strong effort to transition to electronic cigarette. However, I want to order some new supplies and some of the things I want to order are out of stock. 

Might be best if I do that after I get on the medical cannabis program. I'm not sure what effect stopping regular cigarettes will have. If that has an adverse effect, it would be best to have something to offset it. I don't want a setback. 

Got the paperwork mailed in. Waiting to hear something back. Hope what I have is enough. Pathology, colonoscopy images and a letter from my primary stating my diagnosis. Know I won;t hear anything tomorrow and probably not Fri. I'd like to get an appointment for the 13th or 14th of January. I could be wrong but I have a positive feeling about this. Think it will help. Not going to talk myself into it, though. If I'm not seeing positive and measurable results inside of a month, I'll probably give up on it.

Not a resolution but going to cut back on coffee, also. I think it's causing some problems like decreased appetite and maybe dehydration. That could explain some of my lack of energy and problems maintaining weight. Not a bad idea in any case.

Cold week

This is definitely the coldest week I have seen in years. I've seen the temperature go this low every year but not for this many consecutive days. The temperature went down to less than 20 the last 3 nights. Today, the temperature never went above freezing and tonight it was 16 degrees before 8 PM. 

In addition, the wind was blowing and gusting up to 46 mph last night and all day today. Seems to be calming down a bit now. Not completely but a lot less. 

Right now, down to 14 with 34 mph wind.

May be even colder tomorrow night. Not completely sure I'll be going anywhere if it's that cold. Plus a chance of snow. I feel confident driving in it but really do not trust NM drivers when they're sober on flat, dry roads. New Year's Eve, below freezing and snowing? Just a little bit risky. If I do go out, I'll go to karaoke for a while but come home early.

Work is really slow. Company is planning on letting people go starting at noon tomorrow. They should not have announced it today. Some reviewers just can't read and have no damn sense. They took it to mean absolutely everyone will be let go at noon. What? And just shut down for business? These are allegedly educated people. 

 

Broken dog door

So, the dogs have broken off a small piece of the dog door. The door works just fine, swings freely with no impediment. Reason they broke it? Because they do not follow each other through the door. They do not try to go through the door side by side (it's wide enough for that). No, they try to go through the door on top of each other. If one is trying to go through the door, they both have to go through it at the same time. 

Dumb. As. Rocks.

And the younger one is still trying to knock the main door down. Two cinder blocks on the inside and one on the outside and he is still trying to jump against it to open it, with the dog door no more than three inches away. 

Of course, now it is the coldest part of the year. The solarium will still stay warmer than outside. But the piece of the door broken off will allow in more cold air for a few feet down at dog level. Just means that to stay warm they have to go further into the solarium. 

Running late. Have to get ready for work.

A rough age

I've mentioned a few times about my daughter not feeling like doing much lately. It's more than the weather. It's her age. 12 is a rough age for kids.

At 12 years old, kids have mostly outgrown playground equipment. (Personally, I think most of that is not the age but the limited design of the equipment.) Yet they are not yet old enough for many other things. Mentally, they are developing abstract thought and social needs and skills which were not there before. 

I am glad she has interests in art, science and reading. Most of the time it is the kids with no interests that get into (and become) trouble. Those are also the ones who are most likely to be having underage sex, using drugs and drinking. No amount of force can stop it but if you get them interested in something to occupy their minds and their time, the problems become much fewer. (It also gives you something to threaten them with! lol!)

I'll be completely honest. Boredom is a huge problem for me here. There is very little to do here! Even if you have interests in hiking, climbing, bicycling, etc, you cannot do much of that for half the year. Even in season, how much of that are you going to do in a week? You can only go walk through Old Town or the Biopark so many time before you are bored to f'ing tears! So, the only other options involve taking your clothes off and/or ingesting some form of chemicals. 

As far as activities go, New Mexico is known for two things. Artists and fighters. The artists engage in art here to keep from going insane. The fighters get into fighting because they probably don't have many brain cells to lose in the first place. 

Want to engage in a hobby here? Depending on what it is, you better be ready to spend a lot of money. Pottery? If you work for a living, you'll wind up buying a pottery wheel and a kiln. Why? Because the pottery supply places close at 5:30 and are only open for about 4 hours on weekends. Closed Sundays, of course. A pottery wheel and kiln will easily set you back $1000. That's before considering a safe place to put the kiln, specialized wiring, the cost of electricity to run it and supplies. Unless you're rather well off, the only way it's worth the investment is if you are doing it as an occupation. Tip: If you're going to do pottery as an occupation, don't do it where 5-10 percent of the population is doing it as an occupation.

Woodwork? I'm trying to get there. It's less common here than pottery. But still takes money, time and space for equipment, tools and supplies. I still have a few major pieces to buy before I can do any really good work. Until then, it will all look pretty rudimentary. Because it is. 

Volunteer work? Only for limited schedules and if you are willing to make a commitment to a set schedule for a long time. 

I do have an advantage. I have a large yard, so can keep a huge garden. I also have a large old house that needs lots of work. Keeps me occupied but not much chance for socialization. 

Things like this are a concern anywhere. But the less there is to do in a given place, the greater the concern for young people as they grow older. The best thing I can do with my daughter is keep introducing her to different interests. Art, nature, science, building, politics...   

Maintenance supplies

Daughter didn't feel like doing much this weekend except art work and pillow fights. So we stayed home.

She claims to like cold weather. However, when it's cold she tends to stay inside an awful lot. If she's going to learn to be active during the winter, that's going to be up to her mother more than me. I am much more active in spring and summer. Even fall. Not much in winter.

I did walk across the street and took some hardwood grape vine cuttings from the green seedless vine at the abandoned house. From what I've read, winter is the best time to take cuttings from grape vines. I'll find out is that's correct in a few weeks, I guess. Came back and got them in potting soil right away.

On the way home from dropping daughter at her mother's, I stopped and got some supplies for the house. Couple of 1x2's, a new box of premixed joint compound and a self-closing latch for the solarium door. 

I made the mistake of opening the solarium door once or twice. Now the younger male has been trying to beat the door down again. I cannot say I am happy with having to always open that door from the inside. Though one benefit of the latch is that I can add a padlock (or just a wire) to keep it from being jostled open. And I can drill a hole for a wire to open it from the inside. 

I know what is going through the younger male dogs head. He sees me doing something like entering the garden or the solarium through the large door and he figures that's what an alpha does. So he is determined he is going to do it. But he is NOT an alpha in any respect! He has tried forcing the older male away from the food so that he gets to eat first. The older dog lets him take a few bites, then chases him away. He sits with his head down and tail tucked until the older dog finishes eating. He has tried getting in the garden and that has resulted in him now wearing two shock collars. I have written quite enough on the problem with the solarium door. All of that was him, not the older dog, who is well behaved.  

I'm going to have to gather the money to get these dogs fixed this year. Guess who goes first? 

So, this week I am going to get the ceiling holes patched up and maybe painted. I hope. Bedroom is going to take a bit of work more than the kitchen. The ceiling I had to drill through was all stucco and wire lath, so I didn't have any good clean plugs come out. Now my hole drill is largely destroyed, so I'll have to manually cut new plugs. Oh, well. I'll get it done. Then get to work on the other spots that need patching. I think I can get all the patching done by the end of January. Except the office, where I still need to run wiring, among other things.

Resolutions 2015

Starting to compile a list of resolutions for the coming year. Most are things I have been working toward but had preliminary steps before I could get there.

First of all as a general statement I am going to focus a lot more on esthetics this coming year. House, yard, car, clothes. 

Before I could focus on appearances, I had to focus on function. Wiring, insulation, health and general vehicle functioning, among other things. Truth is, esthetics are the easiest part. 

Going to start fairly small, sunless tanning lotion, getting the house in better order and cleaned up. Been working on those a little but will accelerate efforts. 

Also now that health is improving, going to work more on fitness. Joined the fitness center. Just waiting for it to open. They offer sunless tanning with membership but I'm not sure I'll use that with risk. Of skin cancer involved. Maybe technology has changed. Have to check further. 

Going to focus more on artistic endeavors this year. Once decorations are put away and holes patched up (maybe one room at a time) I'm going to paint murals on walls in all the rooms, as I've been planning for a very long time. Just wasn't too practical while I was working on wiring and different renovations. Some of those are still going on but not quite as much. 

I can finally get to building the water features in the front and back yards. 

If I have the money, going to start re-stuccoing the house. Starting with the front. Use a smooth finish colored stucco. Then maybe paint murals on the house as well. 

I like this neighborhood. Can't stand neighborhoods that look like the houses are cloned. No two houses in this neighborhood look anything alike. Think I may go with a greenish tint. There are now six houses on this street that are some shade of brown, one other house which is white and one which is a light blue. Brick red could also work. Lots of time to think about it.

And I am going to improve my social life. Getting back out to karaoke on occasion is a first step. I'll work on other ideas over time. I have more options since my transportation and finances are improved.  My views have not changed about the social environment here. However, I have seen a rising trend of people that actually agree with me on various levels. It's slow but it is happening.

Temperature difference

I've noted the temperature difference in my neighborhood before. Turns out the thermometer on the front window wasn't so accurate. I have used another thermometer out front for a few nights now.

There could still be a difference there because of residual heat where I have it placed. However, the official low last night was between 17 and 21 degrees. The front of my house logged 13 degrees.

Tonight the expected low is 16. Official temperature now is 24. More than an hour ago, last time I checked the thermometer it already read 21. So, probably be below 10 degrees here in the morning.

The younger dog still wants to be a problem. He has gotten in the garden, chewed up part of the irrigation lines and sprinklers, destroyed several tomato supports, turned over several plant containers and dug in the compost. I know he has crapped back there and I just haven't found it yet. 

He figured out that running over the invisible fence line fast enough gives him a very small shock. So, I first tried turning the setting higher, to extend the range. That didn't work. So I placed a second collar on him. That did the trick. He got a real good shock once and has limited his roaming to avoid even the beeping of his collar now. I'm not happy causing him pain but want him to stop destroying things. Even today I tried grabbing him by the ears and telling him no before adding the second collar but 2 minutes later he had crossed the line again. 

I took more containers in the solarium today and planted garlic. 

Daughter made the choice to not go to Cliff's this year. I explained this would be the last weekend. She wanted to stay home, instead. 

Knot

For a number of weeks, I have had a problem with my right middle finger. It catches and clicks, especially when I first wake up, it can be completely locked until I work it loose.

At first it was painless. I thought it was because of working on the computer so much. Tried stretching my hand, doing exercises. Pulled out my old squeeze type exerciser.

Then it became more painful. Not excruciating but definitely felt it. Exercise was not helping. Started wondering if I was getting arthritis.

Then I noticed there was a knot or bulge at the base of the finger, below the joint where it meets the hand. Could be an abscess. It's the same hand where the cat bit me and the finger next to the one bitten. Plus the problem started around the time the cat bite healed up. Or it could be a ganglion cyst. I had one once before, more than a decade ago, on the opposite hand. But this one is not in a spot I could aspirate it like before.

So, last few days I've been massaging it. Sometimes stretching and massaging at the same time. It seems to be decreasing in size and the locking is less severe. I think in a couple more days it should be gone at this rate. 

Always seems to be something lately. Oh, well. Overall, I am still in improving health now than this time last year. 

Able to tolerate my lower dentures again. Had started using them, then had a couple of small residual tooth shards start working their way out of my gums from the pressure. So had to lay them aside again for a while. Plus the gum abscess, now gone. Face was so swollen for a couple of days I looked like a cartoon character. 

Not sure what New Year is going to be like. Daughter has not been keen on getting out in the cold last couple of years and doing fireworks. And I am NOT going to the fireworks display at Balloon Fiesta Park in that temperature. Have to talk with daughter this weekend and see what she wants to do. Last year, she preferred staying at home with her mother and doing sparklers. I know they can see at least a small part of the fireworks of the Balloon Park from their house. I think it may make her feel more grown up, also. 

Karaoke again

Made it out to karaoke again tonight. I had expected the rotation to be down because of it being the night after Christmas and with New Year next week. Yeah, not so much. Long rotation. 

Got to sing two songs. Rather eclectic. "My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys" and "Voodoo", which is pretty much my signature song. I'm getting my voice back and got a lot of attention from that one. 

I think I will check out a few other places. Small to mid-size places. It still irks me that there are absolutely no bars at all on my side of town. (The bar part doesn't matter. I only drank Dr Pepper all night tonight. Seriously not taking any chances of having a single drop of alcohol in my system while driving here.) Maybe things will change as this side of town grows, which it is doing now. 

Got off work two hours early today. It was seriously dead. Drives me nuts when it's that slow. 

Going to get my documentation together this weekend and get it in the mail or email for the cannabis program. My weight has been relatively stable for a few days but I still have very little slack. At most 5 lbs, which I can lose in under 2 days. I may have enough already but I'll check and see if I need more.

Have to pick daughter up in the morning, so gotta get to bed.

Long nap

After some Tuaca and a really hot bath, I took a long nap. Still feel tired but not enough to go back to sleep just yet. Took my night time medicines and should get back to sleep in a little while. 

Currently fighting off a sinus infection. I think. Could be more systemic. That's right after getting through a gum infection. Blech. Oh, well. That's normal for me. I go for extremely long periods with no infections, then wind up with successive infections over a short period. I think it's better that way. Get it all out of the way in short order. What sucks is that I have no appetite.

Some extra sleep on occasion is a good thing. Not something I have a lot of chances for or highly prone to. 

Something I am prone to is the occasional short-lived thought of being indiscreet. It's just moments of weakness and loneliness. Usually happens if I'm tired, getting sick or under a lot of stress. I think that's fairly normal because that's when most of us have the urge to have someone close for a while. Once I get some sleep or get past whatever stressor is present, the urge passes. I've taken some preliminary steps but haven't acted on it in 5 1/2 years now. 

Going to finish watching a movie and get back to bed.

Good Christmas 2014

Daughter and I had a very good Christmas morning. She got mostly art supplies and candles, plus some money. As I expected, the things she liked most were the dragon sculpture and the easel. Most of the other stuff was additions to art supplies she already has. But a little artist can never have too many paints, brushes, etc.

She gave me blue Mason jars (love them!) filled with various things she knows I like. Screws, stocking cap, candy.. Very imaginative idea!

Dropper her off at her mother's house. Nothing else planned for the day. I'm just drinking some Tuaca. Maybe some Irish Cream later. 

I'm in a fairly serene mood. Could be more so. Wish I had some pot right now but I'll wait until I can have it legally in a few more weeks.

Something I've been thinking about. Yes, I get lonely. Been alone quite a while now. However, many people think a person becomes a better person when in a relationship. I find the opposite to be true for me. Nobody is drawing me into needless drama, dragging me down into their delusions, anger or hatred. I actually become a much better person when I'm alone. If I do become attached to anyone again, it really has to be someone who is spiritually mature.

Some people still try to draw me into anger, prejudice, selfishness, etc. Those are things I will not be drawn into. I have fought this battle my whole life. I have an approach which I consider active pacifism. Absolutely not to be confused with being passive or in any way submissive. Quite the opposite. My approach takes patience, self awareness above the norm and conviction beyond any form of selfish endeavor or violence in any form. It requires logic and reason in conjunction with empathy. Just like what I wrote about my neighborhood last night, it may take time but in the face of insidious peace, hatred will eventually burn itself out. Hatred requires fuel, peace fuels itself. 

Yeah, all of that makes me sound like a hippie goody two shoes. That I'm not. What I do and always have considered myself is a warrior for peace and enlightenment. 

My daughter is taking after me on that. I don't expect she will never make mistakes. It's a difficult path. I somewhat expect she may actually rebel against it at some point. Surprised she hasn't yet. Rebellion would be a part of exploring herself. I'm okay with it as long as it doesn't go too far and she causes harm to herself or others. But she sees the logic and value of bringing people together over driving them apart. She also sees the value of contentment over some illusory love. Smart girl!

Think I'm going to take a long bath and maybe a nap. Good day for it.

 

Christmas Eve 2014

Daughter and I had a good Christmas Eve today.

I finally gathered the energy I've been lacking and got some house cleaning done which was badly needed. Only took about two hours and I knew it wouldn't take long. So, that's an indication of how badly dragged out I've been. Used to be able to do two hours of strenuous work standing on my head. (Figuratively.)

We also painted clay ornaments. Finally. Been trying to get her to do that with me for quite a while.

We made candelarias, set them out and lit them. Kinda funny thing that I hear what a Hispanic/New Mexican tradition they are, yet don't see many of them. One neighbor made some besides us but we're definitely the whitest people in the area.

We made gluten free cookies, had hot chocolate and watched Rudolph, Frosty and The Grinch (original) on DVD. Then had a long discussion on various holiday observances around the world.

She doesn't quite believe in Santa any more but is taking a safe fall back position on the subject. I'm also minimizing the Santa image a bit. She has too many intellectual questions on the subject. There won't be a Santa here next year. That's okay. Means I can get to sleep at a better time! 

We are having a positive impact here! The first year we were here, only one neighbor besides us put up lights. Then slowly others have been adding lights over the years. Now it's up to 6 houses putting up lights out of 8 houses occupied. In addition, we got a card from one home, a call from one home and gifts from two others. We have given gifts to all the neighbors nearly every year since moving in. This has been the best response so far. Most of the neighbors now acknowledge each other driving by, nearly all know each others names and speeding/squealing tires has ceased. There is occasional loud music but not nearly as loud and definitely less frequent. It's turning into a real neighborhood! Oh, and I am picking up far less garbage in front of my house than at any point since moving in. People have finally accepted the concept that a poor neighborhood does not have to equate to a ghetto neighborhood. It works! Being a good neighbor works!

Decorating, cookies

Daughter and I made cookies today. Delivered tins of fudge and bags of cookies to all the neighbors. Sent another tin and bag of cookies to the ex when I dropped daughter off.

The cookies didn't come out looking quite as planned but apparently tasted good because daughter would hardly stop eating them.

We decorated the tree today, also. Finally talked her into hanging ornaments.

I still need to clean house. I have slightly more energy but not much. Enough to get house cleaning and wrapping done tomorrow. 

Made another batch of bourbon fudge tonight. I gave a large part of the first batch away. 

Daughter went wild on the (non-bourbon) fudge this weekend. 

Good news. Checked the solarium today. Most of the seeds I planted are sprouting now. Carrots, spinach, broccoli, even cilantro and cucumbers! Potatoes are growing decently. I still want to plant more potatoes in containers. 

Going to get tomato seeds started after Christmas. I'll first get them started inside. By March it should be much warmer in the solarium and the seedlings will be decent enough size to move them out there. If it works as planned, I'll have tomatoes by late April/early May this coming year. 

Bugg Lights, no Cliff's

Took daughter to the new location of the Bugg Lights in Belen last night. They were really good. They refurbished most of them, cleaned them and repainted many of them. Added more displays. We both enjoyed it quite a bit.

We did have some slight anxiety because the car started acting up on the way there. It was because of the fuel filter. I think it's more likely to clog in cold weather. I had to pull over and race the engine for a minute and then get a bottle of injector cleaner. We made it there and back without further incident but I kept the speed below maximum speed limit as a precaution. 

This afternoon, I installed a new fuel filter. How badly it was needed was quite evident. When I tipped the old filter, cloudy brown fluid came out. I drove to the grocery store later and the car was running a lot better. I have no idea how old the filter was that had been in the car. 

I had planned on us going to Cliff's today. However, daughter has had a cough still. It got worse for a while when we went to Belen. Maybe from the cold, maybe proximity to the train yard, maybe from fireplace smoke. Not sure. She didn't want to go today. So, we'll go another time, maybe next weekend because it will still be running, probably without Santa but that's okay. 

I didn't really feel so energetic. Partly the weight loss issue. Then this evening I found my left jaw was really swollen. Not very painful which is why I hadn't noticed before then. But an abscess from the tooth socket where the one remaining wisdom tooth was pulled. I've been massaging it and applying heat this evening. Also rinsing my mouth with mouthwash alternating with peroxide. Seems to be going down. Know better tomorrow. It could be throwing toxins off which made me tired.

Started packing tins of fudge and such to give away. Made the coconut candy and it came out better than I had hoped! Made it a bit different than most. Made blonde fudge, left out vanilla and used a small amount of fresh squeezed orange juice and finely grated orange peel, mixed in the coconut. So most people will get two kinds of fudge and some coconut candy. The ex and her husband get a third kind because I'm including some of the bourbon fudge. Plus daughter and I are going to make cookies to go along with the fudge tomorrow. 

This kind of thing is my favorite part of the holidays. I used to make piles of sweet rolls to give out. But then it changed to cookies. Neither of those last very long and can be expensive to ship. Besides, with gluten intolerance I can't eat them. Candy lasts longer, is less common and costs less to ship. No matter what, I like giving things like that to neighbors, friends and acquaintances. 

Better and..

Felt like garbage all day today. Irritable, brain fog. Got on the scale in the middle of the day. I had gone down to 156, one lb above sinking into starvation mode. Crap. Drank a light protein shake right away.

I got back up by 2 lbs with the protein shake and some fudge. Still pretty tired but able to think more clearly. Eating dinner. 

I was going to clean house this evening and got a little bit done but think most of it will have to wait until this weekend.

On the positive side, I'm not prone to Candidiasis any more. I think healing my intestines and the supplements I'm taking have done the job on that. So I can eat all the sugar I want. Actually, the fudge is fairly high in acidity because it's cooked for so long.

Got the last of my Christmas shopping done. Except for one more thing for me. A bottle of cheap but decent faux Drakkar Noir cologne. I saw the real thing at Walmart for $20 but I don't want to spend that much on cologne. Not if I can find a copy for like $3. 

Got daughter some more paints and some candles. Mostly stocking stuffers. 

Very happy to say I got all my shopping done and still have a little money left!

Conditioned

Well, I guess I'm pretty well conditioned to my upper denture now. I almost fell asleep with it in my mouth last night. Still not quite so conditioned to the lower but it comes loose too easily. Need to get a soft liner installed or try the daily liners I bought again. 

Happy to say that USPS does have postage you can print from home and schedule a pickup. In this case, a formality mostly since everything going out fits in the mailbox. Can't get to the post office while it's open and the alternatives are way too expensive. All the packages are supposed to be there in two days. 

Need to clean house tonight. Kind of a mess and I'm picking daughter up after work tomorrow. Maybe get the coconut candy made, too. 

Weight still isn't stable. I had gotten up to 162 this weekend but keep sinking back down to 158. Dangerously close to 155, my natural cutoff number. 

Okay, have to go feed the furry monsters and get ready for work.

Almost done

Almost done shopping for Christmas. Just need a few more small things.

Daughter still loves owls but now has a second obsession. Dragons. So I went looking for something fairly specific and found something even better than I had hoped for. Could hardly be more perfect for her. A small sculpture of two dragons on top of a true geode. Not only that but it has a color changing LED light inside! Only thing I don't like is that it's battery operated. But with an LED, one set of batteries will last a very long time. 

Also got her some art supplies, an easel and matching hat, scarf and gloves. Plus the book which will come later and clay which should arrive before Christmas. 

I ordered a hat for myself from Amazon but now the shipping says it won't arrive until late January. Dang it! Oh, well. Not going to complain. The hat was cheap and shipping was free.

Oh. I forgot. I do have to get some small thing for myself for Santa to leave under the tree. That was the concept behind the hat. Hmm. Can't think of much I want. Certain kind of cologne, if I can find it.

Packaged, labeled, printed shipping and scheduled pickup for several packages going out. I think from now on anyone distant from me will be getting electronic gifts. 

I still haven't made the coconut candy yet but that's okay. Wasn't room in any of the boxes I sent out for it. I just wrapped the small decorative metal tins with fudge in plastic inside. Easy to handle and will fit in a regular mailbox. Going to leave some fudge and/or cookies for the mail carrier at some point. 

Gotta get to bed.

Snow

It's snowing at my house this morning. I would wish daughter was here but I don't get snow days unless the snow knocks out my power or phone line. 

Snow here in the south valley should stick for at least a few hours. Thermometer on my window says it's under 20 degrees out. 

With that, happy to say the dogs finally did learn to use the dog door for the solarium. Gas heater is running in there for them. 

My final batch of fudge last night didn't set properly. Bummer. Oh, well. I laid that on top of another batch which did set (to double the thickness). I can refrigerate it, cut it, wrap it in plastic wrap and give that to neighbors. The fudge that set will be shipped out. For neighbors, we'll put it in tins and place it in their mailboxes. Probably with some cookies. Do that this weekend, since there's no telling who may leave town. I have a feeling a lot of people are taking the entire week off this year. 

Work has been letting people off early in an unpredictable rotation because it's slow. (Hey, what happened to our work load doubling?!) When I can, I've been declining. Rather have the hourly pay if necessary and conserve my PTO. I have been getting my 70 cases or slightly more. I'm sure mostly because of other people leaving early, so I get more calls. 

Okay, have to go feed the monster dogs.

Not going as planned

My Christmas shopping is not going quite as planned. 

I was going to send a restaurant gift certificate to some friends. Turned out the gift certificates for the site I looked at were only discount coupons, so they would still be required to spend money. 

Daughter asked for a certain book for Christmas. Turns out that book is due for release on 12/30/14. One of the most popular series of kids books for some time. Talk about a marketing fail!!

I was going to buy daughter more clay, this time white clay. The local clay company closes too early for me to get there except on Saturday, when daughter is with me. That's New Mexico. So I had to order the clay to be delivered from Amazon. Sure the delivery person is gonna love me, being a 50 lb package.

Oh, well. Going shopping for more stuff tomorrow.

Definitely gotten more efficient at making fudge. Within 45 minutes after work today, I had two batches of fudge on the stove, done with the cooking stage and cooling down. The down side to this is that you cannot go anywhere at all while it's cooking and not for long when it's cooling. Every stage is highly temperature dependent. It has to be stirred frequently or constantly in some stages, then watched closely until it reaches the correct temperature. Then more ingredients added, then the temperature watched closely as it cools to a certain temperature and then manually stirred and poured. 

Oh, well. One batch I'm making now is going to be chocolate/bourbon/espresso/pecan. Ultimately fattening but if it comes out as planned, better than sex!

Solarium progress

So, the solarium is showing some progress for cool weather crops. Potatoes continue to grow. Now I see spinach sprouting in larger numbers. Very slowly, though.

My last two batches of fudge set properly, not hard but set enough to cut, the way fudge should be.

My next batch I'm going all out. Chocolate, espresso, bourbon, pecan fudge. Think that should come out really good. Work on that tonight plus coconut candy. Most I can do in one night is two batches of candy because it takes so long and I do have limited equipment suitable for the purpose. I think after tonight I can get things in the mail which have to be shipped. Then I can take my time for more local presents. I have 8 more days. 

Happy to say I'm getting better at this candy making thing. Wasn't sure I would ever quite get it right. Had a couple of failures last year. Had more patience this year. Absolutely crucial to follow instructions on this one until you get a feel for it. Overheat or mix too much it turns hard. Under heat or mix too little and it burns or doesn't set properly. Definitely an art form.

I love art you can eat!

More fudge

Making fudge was taking too long. It has to be made in small batches, so I got another saucepan this evening. Now I have two batches of fudge on the stove at once. That means I can make multiple kinds of fudge and get them off in the mail in a day or two. 

Right now I have chocolate and vanilla fudge. Also going to make coconut candy.  The last batch of chocolate came out the way I wanted, softer and chewier but it set properly.

Got a gift for the ex and her husband. 

Have to go shopping for presents for daughter one night this week.

My supervisor went over the iterator test with me today. Really thankful for that. Got the tests out of the way. Now just waiting for the last of my audits of the year. If they go well, I only have two left. So far I'm averaging over 98. Passing is 95.  

Today is my older brother's birthday. Or would be were he still alive. Hard to believe he's not here any more. Can't pick up the phone and harass him.

Something people do not understand about me. My high pain tolerance extends to my emotions. Didn't always but does now. Doesn't mean I don't feel it. Just means I bury, carry it with what I consider more grace than many people. I'm not good at expressing pain. I show it if I get angry. If I get hurt and feel vulnerable or not in control of any aspect, I don't know how to express it. I can comfort other people in the same conditions but not even good at accepting comfort for myself. I've always been this way, as far back as I can remember. 

Basically, I know how to be strong. The few times in my life I have allowed myself weakness did not end well. Never able to let weakness show for fear of it leading to abandonment. It's happened numerous times. More often than that, I just wind up standing on my own. 

Weather

The weather forecast keeps changing rather radically.

Now they forecast possible snow for Wed. A school day. If it does snow any appreciable amount, I hope they give daughter a snow day. Unfortunately, her sled is over here.

Some weeks ago, they were predicting temperatures below 20 before Christmas. Then anything below 20 disappeared from the forecast. Now it's back for next weekend. I'm kind of thinking they have no idea and are just putting those numbers up to say they predicted it, just in case. 

I did manage to gain 2 lbs this weekend. Hoping that remains if it's a healthy gain. Try to add 3 more lbs and preferably 8 more lbs would be better. Get back up to 170, which seems to be my personal ideal weight. Then I would feel a lot more emotionally secure starting an exercise program.. Whenever they open this fitness center location. They said mid-December, which is this week.   

After a month

Daughter and I made gingerbread men today. Made them with standard recipe, so I couldn't eat them. But I admit I did a really good job on the icing! I sent the rest of the icing along with the cookies to her mother's house. Told her to share with whomever she likes. Her mother, stepfather, school..

She liked them. I made the soft, true gingerbread recipe. Not hard cookies like so many people make but classic gingerbread. 

Forgot to mention that while daughter and I were walking through the River of Lights last night, she was dancing around with a plastic candy cane she had bought for just that purpose. Easy thing to forget to mention, since this is normal for her. One of the things I love so much about her! Nothing is ever boring. She always adds her own touch. Both of us were also wearing battery operated LED lights around our necks and Santa hats.

We didn't get the clay ornaments painted today. She didn't feel like doing very much. Except doing to cookies and pillow fights. She did sleep until a few minutes after 10 this morning. 

After a month, I have finally been able to tolerate my lower dentures for full days. Wore them all day yesterday and again all day today. I'm finally able to chew with them but still a little tender with use. Been chomping down really hard to condition my gums to pressure. No lisp any more. 

My second batch of fudge didn't come out quite as well as the first. I admit the first batch was rather hard. So, I'm trying to make some softer fudge. Then I learned altitude plays a role. I adjusted the recipe accordingly. Found there is a 17 degree difference and more liquid was needed. Plus I tried making a double batch, which just doesn't work with this recipe. It never did set. Still soft. However, I did learn how to make hot fudge for ice cream! I made a third batch this evening and it seems to be setting nicely as softer, chewier fudge. That's how I'd like it to be to give away. 

Going to work on a couple of other forms of fudge, like blonde fudge. 

Made it!

Daughter and I finally made it to River of Lights last night. Took off very early, parked at Botanical Gardens, walked back to Old Town, walked around, did some shopping and saw the Rattlesnake Museum at her request. Then went back to River of Lights and took our time walking through.

It did rain lightly while we were there. Sadly, didn't snow. Driving home, there was snow mixed with rain. I still opted to not drive to Belen last night for the Bugg Lights. Going to ask the ex if I can pick daughter up on Fri night this coming week. That way we can do the Bugg Lights one night and Cliff's the other night.

We were both disappointed it didn't snow last night. Though she has a sinus infection and it may not have been the best thing for her at the moment.

I do see a couple of chances for light snow in the next week or two. Maybe we will still see snow before Christmas. Most of the time if it snows here, it's after Christmas. 

Kiddo is still sleeping. She always objects but she needs the sleep to help get well. She's also not one that gives in to illness and not whiny about it.

We're going to do several things today. Paint clay ornaments, make gingerbread cookies and make fudge. I will make her wash her hands a lot and keep hand sanitizer nearby. She understands and does not argue those things. 

Oh, I went back and looked at old utility bills and found the bill this month wasn't so out of line. About normal use for winter on electric. I also figured out that it would not be so abnormal if it was higher. Last year I was starting work two hours later than I am now. Years prior to that I was usually working the night shift. Even on days off, I got up later, so the sun was up and temperatures warmer when I got out of bed. I'm spending more time than ever at home on a consistent basis because of the job. My best bet to limit utility use is to isolate my work space and keep that area warmer than the rest of the house while working.  

I am glad to see the rain last night. For one thing, the compost pile doesn't get much moisture in the winter. I turn off the well pump. Occasionally I toss a bucket of water in the pile but not consistently. 

I haven't yet collected leaves because of my schedule. When I have the chance to collect leaves it's either dark, wet or daughter is here. Just hasn't worked out. Besides, the last of the leaves are only just now falling. Not worried about the leaves within the yard much. They'll compost right where they are, so not a problem. I rearrange stuff in early spring when I do tilling and planting. 

Solarium is doing good. Cool weather plants are growing. Potatoes bouncing back. Spinach sprouts coming up. Broccoli gaining size slowly. Still watching for carrots and cilantro.

Not looking like I'll get the heater built this winter, after all. Just because of other expenses. Oh, well. I can build it sometime before next winter. Gather materials gradually and do one step at a time. Doing it slowly means I can do a better job and make it sturdier and more decorative. Spend more money on proper supplies like fire brick, which may have to be ordered. (Cannot believe you have to special order fire brick in a place where most houses have fireplaces. I could see that in Texas but not here in the mountains.) Came to the conclusion that fire mortar must only be necessary for the fire brick and not surrounding structure. Sand, concrete, cinder block and stucco will work. 

Tickets

Bought the tickets online a minute ago for the River of Lights and printed them. That will save standing in line this evening.

There is a small risk of rain this evening. Though I am still hoping it may turn to snow, instead. It would be great to go through the River of Lights while it's snowing! Daughter would freak out! And just maybe we have been led once again. Blocked from attending the event twice in preparation for something better. Not the first time in my life. 

Ran into a small road block on the cannabis program. The letter posted on my online account does not include the interpretation for ulcerative colitis. Not sure where my original letter is containing those results. Um, maybe I should check the filing cabinet.. In any case, it should most definitely be part of my medical record. WTF? I get a colonoscopy with something like that and they don't reflect it in my record? Idiots. The pathology only states chronic colitis. I have to forward my records before I get an appointment. Understandable. Good thing I'm planning several weeks out. Projected date for my appointment isn't until 1/13/15 or 1/14/15.

Then it's just a matter of getting time off approved. Blech. 

Along with my application for the program, I will be including a letter stating exactly why I find the risks to be too high for traditional treatment. Aside from Sulfasalazine, there is another medication which has been used for the purpose and is advertised on TV. It repeats several times the risk of TB. I already have a positive TB skin test, which could reflect dormant disease. Suppress my immune system and it could become active. 

Agoraphobia

I think I'm getting more agoraphobic. Or just really sick of stupidity, which tends to go along with interacting with people. More so in some places and times of year than others. 

I doubt I would ever leave my front door if I lived in NY or NJ.

As it is, went to the grocery store tonight for supplies to make fudge. Kept having people getting right in my way and wouldn't move. To be sure, it was pretty much the same few people over and over, throughout the store. There has to be something seriously wrong with you to make that behavior a way of life. And every one of them had a slack jawed appearance. 

Then I get home and the dogs (who have been using the dog door to get to their water) keep trying to knock down the solarium door. To be honest, it's not both dogs, only the younger one. Aside from having the latch wired so it cannot be opened at all by shaking the door, I placed two cinder blocks behind the door to remove any slack or movement. 

This is after being on the phone with rude people all day.

Every direction I turn, I am surrounded by mindless aggression. Mindlessness in general.

I know to some point it's a constant but it definitely gets worse at certain times, like around the holidays. I don't know what gets in people's heads. Some wishing they weren't working. Some worried about money. Some wishing they were with family or even had a family. Others with their families and wish they weren't. I have sympathy until they become intrusive, then sympathy goes out the window.

With all the aggression in the world, I fully understand how some people become serial or mass murderers. At this age, I won;t be going that way. I faced that down many years ago. Could have gone that way and if I had been less self aware would have. 

Think I'll stick to making fudge and being nice when I can. Got enough stuff to make several lbs of fudge but probably need one more can of cocoa. Maybe two more. I'm estimating I'll make about 8 batches of fudge. 

And better..

Feeling better today than yesterday, so I keep improving. Unfortunately, I lost another lb during the day today and that's after eating dinner. 

Frustrating. The closer it gets to Christmas, the meaner a lot of people get. I get a higher and higher number of rude people on the phone every day. Right now, I just don;t have much tolerance for it. 

This weekend, there's a chance of precipitation on Sat. What I'm hoping for is that it will snow while daughter and I are at the River of Lights. Though that will mean I will not drive to Belen that night. Too risky. Rather do that the next weekend if it does snow. Not sure when but we'll also get to Cliff's before Christmas.

Maybe just impatience but I still bounce back and forth emotionally about dating, socializing, etc. It's nearly impossible to make female friends here without it being imperative that it's going somewhere. Dating without immediate commitment doesn't happen.. unless it's with a married woman. Even placing an ad for a live-in roommate and lover brings out crazies. Had a reply from a woman who has a child who wanted to move in. I replied that I don't want someone with kids. She immediately shot back with a string of insults, hate and drama which was unreal. 

Part of it is the values I look for. Relatively easy to find in Texas, nearly impossible to find here. Intelligent, mentally independent, emotionally responsible, not dramatic or violent.. Okay, that last one, not so much easy to find anywhere, it seems. Throw in willing to help with housework and maybe buying a few groceries. Not superficial, places more importance on who a person is than their tattoos. Once you remove anyone morbidly obese and even if you're looking for a commitment you have eliminated 99.9 percent of the female population in NM. Oh, and not religiously fanatic. 

Made it through to payday, which is in the morning. Finally. The past week has felt kind of long. Used up my reserves, aside from the change can. 

Need to make some changes to cut back on utility usage. Read my meter tonight and I used more electricity than I have used in a long time. Which means the bill will be high. And I know the gas use is going to be up, also. Gotta cut back or my January bills will kill me. 

Basically, I look for someone sane. Guess that's wayyyyy too much to ask. 

Half pound

Well, at least I only lost about half a pound during sleep last night. Though I drank a protein shake (600 calories) before bed and kept waking up and eating fudge during the night. 

One reason I kept waking up was the younger dog still jumping against the solarium door. Eventually I put two foam cups of water on the small window, so if he jumped against the door he would get soaked. I think it worked. If he jumped against the door again, it was only once. That wasn't my first action. I've told him no and stop dozens of times. 

I also have the water for the dogs inside the solarium. Where it won't freeze. The heater is also in there. They have lots of incentive to go inside the solarium through the dog door. 

Okay, have to get ready for work and feed the dogs.

Oh, I have started putting out ads looking for a potential future roommate. I'm not much into dating but do get occasionally lonely. And it would help to have someone around to help with mundane things like cleaning, cooking, laundry, dishes. If I could spend less time and energy on those things I would be able to get other things done much faster. Plus more money if they helped with utilities and groceries. And I admit I would probably have more motivation to get things done that way. Nothing urgent or immediate and not expecting to find anyone for months. I can be picky and find someone who is good company. 

No adjustments needed!

Turns out no adjustments are need to the fudge recipe! Once it sits, cools and solidifies enough, more flavors come out which are less obvious before that point. So, I have successfully replicated my grandmother's recipe! Yay! Hard to believe I can remember it well enough but it was so distinctive it cannot be forgotten. Also hard to believe it has been 43 years since I had it. Could have been last week.

Feeling a little better tonight. Had a headache this morning. Been short tempered all week. I think it helps most if I keep my weight slightly up fairly consistently for several consecutive days. Otherwise toxins stay in my system from muscle wasting and serum ammonia levels remain elevated. Which causes a small amount of brain swelling. That would also explain mild respiratory problems. Right now I'm at 160. Still going to take in as many calories as possible before bed to keep overnight weight loss to a minimum. 

May seem like I am obsessive about health issues at times but it's necessary. I keep having different issues come up which require immediate attention. I'd be really happy if I had more leeway where things were less urgent. Maybe I can get back to that point in the next few weeks if I make intense efforts. Keep thinking I'm getting there and then run into another wall. Blech. 

Learned something I didn't know tonight. Seems joint compound (premixed wall plaster) can spoil. I opened a partial, almost full bucket I've had for some time to try and patch the ceilings. It turned colors, like it has veins of mold through it and it smells like vomit. Not patching any walls until I get a new bucket. That's okay. Need a couple of 1x2's. Had hoped the tape would hold it but it wouldn't, so I need to use short pieces of wood to keep them in place. Really only have to use one screw for each patch, then use plaster and tape. 

Fudge

I tried to replicate my grandmother's recipe for chocolate fudge last night. Came very close. Next batch needs one or two minor adjustments. Still came out really good, though!

My grandmother was well known for her fudge. She did use the Hershey's old fashioned fudge recipe but, true to my grandmother, made her own little alterations which made it considerably better. Also true to my grandmother, she never wrote any of her recipes down. I have it mostly figured out. 

The price of ingredients has decreased this year plus my income is more stable. So I may make several batches of fudge this winter to try and get it right. Then be sure and write it down for my daughter, in case she wishes to carry it forward to later generations. 

Woke up at a decent time this morning but mostly because of allergies. 

Figured out how the dogs were still getting the solarium door open. They were pushing (slamming into) the door, making the bottom swing in and out. Eventually, that worked the closure loose. So I installed a small wood block so the door will not swing inward. It's ridiculous. They know how to use the dog door. They're working the hinges loose and the door will fall off if they keep doing this. Or the door will fall apart. 

I'm seeing a rising trend of people who completely obsess over animals. Dogs and cats, mostly. Many of those same people also have no problem judging humans, are against food stamps, against universal health care.. Maybe this obsession is just becoming more visible and has been there. 

Delayed response

I had a delayed response to my increased calorie intake. This morning, I weighed 159 lbs. This evening I weigh 162 lbs. Now, that is after eating dinner. But when I can lose a lb while sleeping, that's a relief. 

Another eccentricity of my metabolism appears to be that if I maintain a weight above 162 lbs, my metabolism slows slightly and I can remain stable. From 156-161, my metabolism actually speeds up and I lose weight at a highly accelerated rate. At 155, my metabolism plummets into starvation mode, I become lethargic, have headaches, body aches, go into anemia.. All the classic signs of the body feeding on itself. Muscle breaks down, my heart beats much harder, I have mild respiratory problems and sometimes get light headed.

I have a theory that if I can get and keep my weight above 165, my metabolism may stabilize more and I'll be out of that danger zone. 

No matter how unhealthy it may be under normal circumstances, I'm going to increase my fat and sugar intake as much as I can tolerate until I pack a few more lbs on. Good time of year for it. Going to make some fudge this weekend. Lots of it. That should help. I hope.

Less expensive

So, I got a reply from the cannabis clinic. Turns out initial consultation with the doctor will cost less by about half than what my initial visit with my primary doctor cost last year. That visit includes all necessary paperwork to apply for the program. Plus wait time for an appointment is about one week, compared with at least 3 weeks with primary doc. 

My opinion is that this is extremely screwed up. The cannabis doc has to be a fully licensed physician, just as the primary. Yet takes higher risk because of the fanaticism of the Feds. 

The obvious down side to this is that the cost of office visits are not covered by insurance and do not count toward my deductible. On the other hand, I expect fewer follow ups, no labs and any side effects are much less drastic than liver failure. 

It's funny. I always stood in favor of cannabis use for patients but never pictured myself as one. I'm not fond of things that mess with my mental clarity. But a lot less fond of other risks. 

My weight remains at the same point no matter what I do. I ate half a carton of ice cream with hot fudge last night. If anything, I lost a lb.

Bad mood

I woke up this morning in a bad mood and it has continued through the whole day. A rare thing for me but it happens. Usually tied to body chemistry in some way but other times it just can't be pinned down.

Today was the latter. No pinning it down. Felt a little achy in the morning, wound up taking some Naproxen and felt physically better but the bad mood persisted.

Only thing I can think of is maybe I shouldn't take protein powder before bed. I didn't sleep very well last night. 

To make it all better, the day started with the phone system for work screwing up and some truly idiotic calls. 

Had an odd experience last night. Woke up and went to the bathroom. It was dark but I know my way around. When I walked down the hallway there was a miniscule blob of light that flitted around inches in front of me for several seconds, then was gone. It didn't fade like a visual apparition after looking at a light, it just suddenly ceased to be there. 

Got some fairly good news today. I checked with my supervisor about company policy on medical marijuana. There's no widely known policy against it in the company. She's looking into it. If there's no policy existing as yet, it could really only be regarded as a prescription medication. If there is no policy yet, then there needs to be. It's a growing issue which cannot be ignored.

Until there is a policy, I guess I will have to just go with my own policy of not volunteering information if not asked. 

Another partial fail

Daughter and I went to the parade last night and had fun.

Then we tried going to the River of Lights. So, parking lot was filled up. We went ahead and drove to the zoo, parked there to take the shuttle. They had that so poorly planned that we had to wait nearly an hour for a bus. By the time we got on the bus and arrived at the River of Lights, it was 7:52. The driver announced the last shuttle back leaves at 9:45. The River of Lights itself closes at 9:30. We started to go ahead and go in. Then it turned out I was wrong about the season pass including the River of Lights. It was not worth the time and money to stand in line, pay for passes, then have to basically run to see anything and get back to the bus stop and not have to walk all the way to the zoo. 

This city has the absolute worst planning of any place I have ever seen in my life.

On the bus, we passed by Tingley Beach, one block away from the zoo. That parking lot is closed and locked at night.

It also struck me they could use the train which runs through the entire Biopark, all the way from the Botanic Garden to the zoo but instead use buses? 

So, we made a different plan of action. Going to go to the Botanic Garden early in the afternoon. Maybe around 3 or 3:30. Take a walk around Old Town. I'll buy tickets online the day before. Then go back around 5:30 or 6. Take our time at the River of Lights, then go see the Bugg Lights afterward. 

I'm still feeling like garbage. Managed to gain 1 lb. Took about 8000 calories to do so. After dropping daughter off this evening, I went to the store. Unbelievably, they were sold out of potted meat. Of all the damn things to be sold out of! As soon as I decide this would be a good option for gaining weight! Really?! 

Oh, well. I bought a bunch of cans of vienna sausage and some sausage hash. Yesterday I also got a can of corned beef hash. 

One problem gaining weight is if I eat too much it stresses my intestines enough to cause discomfort and lethargy for a while. One reason it's best if I eat shortly before bed.  

I'm gaining tolerance for wearing the lower dentures. But they don;t stay in place all that well. So I picked up some "super hold" adhesive. I know they'll stay in place better later but I'm still avoiding adhesive in places where tooth sockets haven't filled in tissue yet. The sockets are almost closed up but not completely yet. Using adhesive in those spots could cause problems. At least I can wear them while eating and as long as they stay in place. And having the uppers in place make a big difference in my appearance. 

Tried the "super hold" adhesive a few minutes ago, after writing the above. Definitely feels stronger than the other. Should be strong enough to hold for meals, which is when the other one always lets loose. Big question now is how easily it is to remove from my mouth at night. 

If I ever win the lottery one of the first things I'll do is get permanent dentures.

Wine

I drank some wine last night. More than I ate. Maybe not the absolute best choice right now but it does have calories and it helped me relax.

I do wonder sometimes if I am having pain but not aware of it. I am well versed in the concept of pain being a perception. However, those like myself with a high pain tolerance can experience pain in different ways. I've seen and addressed it successfully many times over the years with patients. I don't really want to be taking analgesics chronically, as they carry their own risks, depending on which one you take. 

Oh, well. I sent an inquiry with a local cannabis clinic last night. Try and estimate how long in advance to set an appointment and how much to expect it to cost. 

No plans set for the daytime today but daughter and I will go to the parade tonight, then the River of Lights. Do our annual routine, take a large jug of hot chocolate with us and dress warmly! Though not quite as cold this year as it is sometimes, there is a slight chance of rain. It rained so much on Thur that they canceled River of Lights that night. Not that much rain expected today/tonight. 

Maybe we can paint ornaments during the day today or tomorrow. And take some items to a drop off point for charity. Go through more boxes. 

Spiritual growth

I've been seeing the growth over time of certain spiritual knowledge. It's gaining steam lately and found in sometimes unexpected places.

It's a central concept which I am no stranger to. First encountered it studying the occult as a teenager. Yes, the same time I was studying to be a minister. My thinking at the time was the best way to fight any enemy is to know them. Instead, it challenged my Christian thinking.

Later, I encountered a form of the same thought in the Star Wars trilogy. In intervening years, I have seen the same concept expressed different ways in different forms but always coming back to the same central idea. Most recently I saw it on a TV show where the main character basically threw the idea out like it was commonly accepted knowledge. Sadly, not true.

The entire concept is simple. All magic, spiritual power, etc, whatever you caal it comes from the same central source. Whether it is good or evil, positive or negative depends entirely on how you use it. Some call it universal energy. Some call it The Force. Others have different names for it but it remains the same energy.

The fact is we all draw from it, we all add to it, like it or not. The difference is how aware one is. Energy never ceases to exist. Nothing ever ceases to exist. Both may change direction or form but they always remain in existence. Positive and negative maintain a constant balance. To gain positive in one place you must cause negative elsewhere. Nothing is created, we only compile it from things already in existence.

The idea continues to grow, especially as conventional religions fall.

Weight.. loss?!!

So, the last two days I have taken in an extra 1800 calories a day. Got on the scale earlier today and.. I LOST 2 lbs in the last 24 hours! You have got to be F**king kidding me!!!! How the hell  can I ingest an extra 3600 calories and lose 2 lbs?! 

Cannot be explained by diarrhea, as I have not had that. 

I tried getting off the scale and getting back on several times. Scale is properly zeroed and always went back to zero. Nothing impeding the scale. Basically the same weight of clothing (or even heavier) than what I was wearing yesterday. 

Going to try basically liquifying my food. Maybe sticking with soups will let me increase how much I consume. I also made a tea of ginger, cinnamon and molasses each of which supposedly increase appetite or calm your stomach. I also drank some diluted alcohol, what I had on hand. So far, not feeling much difference. 

I seriously need to find some weed. But not from anyone in my neighborhood. I have no urge to become "buddies" with any of the people who would be likely to be casing my house or knocking on my door. There are one or two people I would trust over here now but I'm still really cautious. It's not a good situation to be the only white boy in the neighborhood. My own fault. Giving people more credit than they often deserve once again. Story of my life. 

Here's good news! After writing the above paragraph, I looked up the NM Medical Cannabis Program again. They've added my condition to the list! I can be licensed to both possess and grow my own supply! Yay! I really do not need the maximum supply allowed by any means. I'm a serious lightweight. And studies in other countries have shown medical benefits with light use just before bed only every 3-4 days, which is actually the optimal dosage. Increased use does not show any increased benefit. 

I find the risks of traditional treatment for ulcerative colitis to be unacceptable. The risks include liver damage, heart damage, neurological damage, vascular damage and drastically increased risk of infection. In fact, the entire goal of traditional treatment focus almost entirely on suppressing the entire immune system. Considering the fact that I have a TB positive skin test, there is an extremely high risk of developing active TB. In 20 years as a nurse, I have also encountered many other opportunistic diseases for which I have not been tested but could easily cause problems should my immune system be suppressed too much. 

My past comes back to haunt me. Oh, well. 

Not to mention the cost difference. 

I won't be able to apply to the program until January. It will cost some money to get initially certified by a cannabis friendly doctor. I'm just happy the condition has been added to the list of covered conditions. Finally!

Rain

Rained rather steadily all day today here. I was happy to see it. Not as happy as I would be in spring or summer but still..

Of course, the dogs have around 200 sf of nice, dry, comfortable solarium space they can access. What did the dogs do? Stayed outside in rain and 47 degree weather. Nothing like the smell of wet dog. These are the same dogs that look like I beat them severely if I give them a bath.

Why do I have the dumbest dogs on the planet?

Work just balanced out today. They let some reviewers go early because it was so slow but I stuck around. Knew some reviewers being gone would speed up my calls. It did but by then I was playing catch-up from a slow morning. I ended the day with exactly 70 cases, the required base count. However, I like conserving my PTO when I can. 

Still feeling better than the last few days. Not real energetic but no headache or brain fog. Still trying to load on calories via protein shakes. Just for kicks, got on the scale a few minutes ago. Same weight as yesterday. That's after an additional 1500 calories. I think to effectively gain weight I have to ingest 3-4 times the amount of the average person. And I just don't have that kind of appetite. In the past week I've had almost an entire pan of brownies, most of a chocolate cream pie, lots of butter and gravy, turkey and stuffing with sausage in it. 

One thing most people don't realize. You burn more calories in winter than summer. At rest, of course. It's because your body is trying to generate more heat. When weather is hot, your basal metabolic rate slows down to reduce heat production.   

Happy to say I didn't calculate so badly after all. Now that the dust has settled, looks like I have at least $125 to last until next Fri. If things get too tight, I can use the coin can or use money from the medical savings account. Either one would be enough for gas. Not expecting that to happen, though.