My PTSD is getting worse. Much worse. It strikes most often in crowded, chaotic situations. This happens frequently at work at change of shift and anytime I am not in control in those crowded conditions.
Lately, I have been less and less equipped to handle those conditions. Luckily, it's not every day.
I think some of this is awareness. I spent years working from home. I was off from work for over a year. It resensitized me to it.
It can even hit me walking through Walmart.
It's no surprise I should have PTSD, after all the experiences in my life. Think maybe the last time I was robbed and assaulted made it a lot worse.
Not a matter of being aware of my mortality. I've been intensely aware of that most of my life. Tried suicide 3 times. Stabbed, shot at, robbed. Among other dangerous situations which were not related to violence or human control.
Last night was even worse. I woke up with a nightmare for the first time in decades. Though I'm not really sure it was a nightmare. It was more realistic than past nightmares. I think it could have been an intuitive link to someone else who actually experienced it. Though usually that only happens to me with someone I know very closely. Thing is, my mind tried to translate it into personal environment. People I know were in the dream, though in different positions and did not act the same. The environment was different, yet we addressed it as my workplace by name. It felt like I was someone else. It was early morning and in the dream I saw a man assaulted badly by a group of men. Then one of them sliced his throat, very slowly.
I witnessed this and tried to hide, so the group would not come after me for seeing it. That's when I woke up.
This is something about my dreams. I never hide in my dreams, unless tactically.
That dream will stick with me for a while. Hope to hell it doesn't recur.
Lately, I have been less and less equipped to handle those conditions. Luckily, it's not every day.
I think some of this is awareness. I spent years working from home. I was off from work for over a year. It resensitized me to it.
It can even hit me walking through Walmart.
It's no surprise I should have PTSD, after all the experiences in my life. Think maybe the last time I was robbed and assaulted made it a lot worse.
Not a matter of being aware of my mortality. I've been intensely aware of that most of my life. Tried suicide 3 times. Stabbed, shot at, robbed. Among other dangerous situations which were not related to violence or human control.
Last night was even worse. I woke up with a nightmare for the first time in decades. Though I'm not really sure it was a nightmare. It was more realistic than past nightmares. I think it could have been an intuitive link to someone else who actually experienced it. Though usually that only happens to me with someone I know very closely. Thing is, my mind tried to translate it into personal environment. People I know were in the dream, though in different positions and did not act the same. The environment was different, yet we addressed it as my workplace by name. It felt like I was someone else. It was early morning and in the dream I saw a man assaulted badly by a group of men. Then one of them sliced his throat, very slowly.
I witnessed this and tried to hide, so the group would not come after me for seeing it. That's when I woke up.
This is something about my dreams. I never hide in my dreams, unless tactically.
That dream will stick with me for a while. Hope to hell it doesn't recur.
