Not feeling so hot. Think I ate something yesterday that did not sit well. Woke with minor stomach pain but general discomfort. That's okay. Better I get sleep at a later hour so I won't be tired at work tonight.
I went out to have a beer last night. Just one beer. Got home and texted gf. She did what I expected to that and the fact I may occasionally work at the women's prison. She turned it into me pulling away from her and/or making her afraid.
That was when I finally told her this is not fair to me. I have sat for hours, days waiting to spend time with her. Always in touch. Not out drinking or whoring around. That I have been understanding of all that keeps us apart in her life, tried to compensate for it where I can. I told her it hurts me when she does not trust me.
No, I did not say I make decisions which stand to compensate for that pain. Yes, I can say I have some guilt over that. But does one stand without defense when faced with a threat? If pain seems likely or eminent, isn't it natural to try and minimize it? Fact is, I have not acted on it. I'd call it more research on options. By appearance, it would look bad. By actuality, it's not because there is a difference between words and actions.
Any way, it sounded like I may have gotten through. I hope. Only way to really know is by what happens from here. Once again, words versus actions.
If her words don't match her actions or her words indicate concern for her feelings while discounting mine, I guess my actions will have to change.
If her words, feelings and actions are motivated by fear, that tends to vindicate me having fears of my own which are well justified. So this will lead to us becoming closer or further apart. Most of that is up to her. I've been reasonable. I'm still being reasonable. What's not reasonable is to place my life and heart on hold, sitting alone, waiting for things that rarely or never come. I'm not even being fair to myself.
I've done this before. If I don't respect my own wishes, why should I expect someone else to do so? I'm patient but only to a point. I did learn from my past.
I went out to have a beer last night. Just one beer. Got home and texted gf. She did what I expected to that and the fact I may occasionally work at the women's prison. She turned it into me pulling away from her and/or making her afraid.
That was when I finally told her this is not fair to me. I have sat for hours, days waiting to spend time with her. Always in touch. Not out drinking or whoring around. That I have been understanding of all that keeps us apart in her life, tried to compensate for it where I can. I told her it hurts me when she does not trust me.
No, I did not say I make decisions which stand to compensate for that pain. Yes, I can say I have some guilt over that. But does one stand without defense when faced with a threat? If pain seems likely or eminent, isn't it natural to try and minimize it? Fact is, I have not acted on it. I'd call it more research on options. By appearance, it would look bad. By actuality, it's not because there is a difference between words and actions.
Any way, it sounded like I may have gotten through. I hope. Only way to really know is by what happens from here. Once again, words versus actions.
If her words don't match her actions or her words indicate concern for her feelings while discounting mine, I guess my actions will have to change.
If her words, feelings and actions are motivated by fear, that tends to vindicate me having fears of my own which are well justified. So this will lead to us becoming closer or further apart. Most of that is up to her. I've been reasonable. I'm still being reasonable. What's not reasonable is to place my life and heart on hold, sitting alone, waiting for things that rarely or never come. I'm not even being fair to myself.
I've done this before. If I don't respect my own wishes, why should I expect someone else to do so? I'm patient but only to a point. I did learn from my past.
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