Graphic thoughts

Having graphic thoughts. Meh, what's new with that in the past couple of months?

I have to admit that once I become sexually active, it can pretty much rule me in some ways. It does not separate my emotions and indeed intensifies them considerably. All emotions. Toss in the fact that I am again in a mini-manic state and it can be an issue for me.

The manic state is NOT helping me so much on the new job. Doing online training means my motivation is high but ability to focus is compromised. They claimed it is self paced but then so much of it is Power Point, video and such which does not allow me to speed read or multitask that it is absolutely NOT self paced by my standards. Ugh. 

And then there's what it does to my libido. 

I do not want my gf to think my feelings are all about sex. Far from it. Like I wrote, it is more about intimacy, honesty, trust, affection, the fact that she is truly the best match for me I have ever known. Far beyond physical and into spiritual. 

But I'm still a horn dog.

To compensate for that, I ordered something new. They make toys for men now. I do not think they are battery operated but electrical. Requires a lot more energy than women's toys. I had hoped it would arrive yesterday but did not. Tracking shows it is in town. So it will be here Tue. Bummer. 

Then again, not sure I could have used it because I don't know how much noise it makes. 

This one has functions for heating, vibration and sucking. I think that will help me keep my head on straight when my hormones get in the way. I would not cheat but my brain can get clouded from hormones. 

I'm actually hoping it also helps with my endurance. Which has increased a lot. Maybe I'm not getting old after all. lol!

I am taking some herbal things which help increase my endurance in that respect but not seeing much effect from that. Ordered some Viagra but not sure I need it. When I was younger I had no chemical assistance when I had sex 8 and even 10 times in one day on different occasions. It's more of a time issue. 

No matter what, I am highly sensual and take no shame in pleasure as long as nobody is getting hurt in some way. I failed on that this week but not going into specifics. Caused gf some pain and discomfort and felt guilty for it. Have to control myself a bit better.

In deeper

She came over this week four days in a row. We got to spend many hours together. Talking, kissing, cuddling. Just being together at a very real level.

We had our talk. We actually talked. There were no accusations, no raised voices. Neither of us have a need for conflict and we hate it. If we have a problem, then we have a problem and we will find a solution. 

I needed that this week. Maybe I am needful. I don't deny it. I know that this much time will not happen often but I am really happy it did. It frees me up emotionally. I feel more secure, less vulnerable. 

That confirms that I will not be seeing anyone else. Would not be able to because even if I were with someone else I would be thinking about her. 

I know it will be a long time that she has to remain where she is. I can accept that as long as I feel important to her. Now I feel that infinitely more than I did for a while. The stress from that was causing me physical pain. Now the pain is gone.

Soon, our schedule will become more complex as I begin the new job. Doing online training this week and part of the weekend.

Where I have made reference to sex before, I said it was more than that. Guess I needed to define it better for myself and that meant being honest with myself. It's intimacy. I don't think of that word in relation to myself often because of the way it has been manipulated in use. For women it has become feminized. For men it has become sexualized. Both are limiting and unfair. It is emotional connection. Sex may play a part but not necessarily. It's sharing, affection, trust, excitement, comfort and much more wrapped in one. And for me it is mandatory in a relationship. I have been denied that in past relationships and will never live that way again. She feels the same way. 

All of this means we have grown closer than ever. trust each other more. We know we can have an emotional stress between us and work it out without conflict or accusation. We may take a short (hours) break to gather our thoughts and feelings but will then address it. Neither can stand having it there for long. We need each other. Each other specifically, not just someone. 

My world has definitely changed for the better. In all ways. Except money. Working on that one. 

Manic again

I suspected it the other day. Manic state confirmed. Last Wed-Thur I was awake for two days on 2 hours of sleep. Tonight I may have gotten an hour of sleep. Or may not have. Not really sure. Any way, definitely not a depressive state. In fact, I'm on a pretty good mood. 

Same week I start the new job. Guess that means I will get through training really fast.

The down side to it is mostly that I get really horny. Think I finally figured out the fact that some part (not all) is that a lot of sex is about the only thing that will help me sleep. Medications will not do it. Neither will alcohol.

Just to make it better I seem to have a low level sinus infection. Flushing sinuses with saline. 

GF and I talked online yesterday. She did not come over, as I knew was going to happen. She could not come up with any reason for leaving the house on Christmas which would be convincing. 

She is going to come over today and we are going to talk. I did tell her we need to talk about our relationship. Threw a scare into her. Honestly, I do not feel sorry for that in the short term. I told her that the way things are going leaves me feeling emotionally vulnerable. She knows I do not say that in a good way. She was offline when I said that in PM, then I tried to take a short nap. By the time I said it I had drank an entire bottle of wine. It didn't help. I laid there and never went to sleep.

Any way, she saw it shortly after I wrote it. That's when it scared her. When I got back up, we talked. I told her I love her and am not backing away from her. That I understand how difficult her situation is. But we have to discuss what that means between us. In honest terms. 

In some ways, until yesterday I may have made her feel too secure. Maybe a scare is what she needed. She is not comfortable with her husband. Feels judged for nothing. He continuously tries to control her every breath. He takes away any attempt at empowerment she makes. But she seems to be wallowing in it. She says she is happy and comfortable with me yet afraid of how she feels for me. She will not admit it but I know that makes her avoid more time with me. 

And that makes me feel vulnerable. People who are scared are unpredictable. I have been in situations where someone was afraid of their feelings for me and it made them back away. Even walk away. By the time they came back my feelings changed. I just don't trust it when someone walks away from me. I cannot trust they will not do it again. 

So I made it clear I want to stay with her. I know she cannot leave her current situation. Too many practical considerations involved. Made it clear I will not sit by while she has all of her self esteem trashed. I can't just sit and watch that happen to her. It's not in me to simply allow it. She told me emphatically she does not want to lose me. 

So, we need to define this if we are going to move forward together. Set some ground rules, a tentative schedule. If I am rarely going to see her and only for short periods, I have to make clear I will see other women on a lesser basis. Just as a means of self protection. For myself, I cannot stand to have her here less and less, always with one foot out the door. That's just a sign that a person is trying to gain enough distance to close the door safely with no risk to themselves. I can't do it. I won't do it. 

I'm realistic. I do not ask to be placed at the top of the list. But I don't care to be at the bottom. Optional. Disposable. 

Christmas Eve 2017

Feeling melancholy tonight. Slight sore throat, not bad. Maybe allergies. 

Christmas Eve.

Daughter is here. I played some Christmas music for a few hours this weekend. She enjoyed that. Suggested watching Christmas shows but she did not want to. 

Cold front coming in tonight. Sadly, no snow. Christmas lights are on. 

GF says she is in much the same situation. Watching Christmas movies alone. Says she has not been feeling well. Then she has been going to bed early every night. 

So, while I can discuss things more openly, I'm alone for Christmas Eve weekend. Romantically, that is. I love my time with my daughter but it's just not the same as having someone romantically. 

The discussion of whether gf will come over tomorrow afternoon went from a strong suggestion to "hope so". I'm completely expecting it to not happen. I have a feeling it will not happen. Maybe just anxiety. 

In any case, I have no plans to be alone next Christmas Eve. I've spent enough years where I have been alone on Christmas Eve. 

Who knows? Maybe I'm getting sick. Maybe going not into manic but depressive phase? (Don't think so.) I know I am sick of being alone. Not desperate by any means. But tired enough to act on not being alone all the time any more. 

Sweet rolls

Daughter and I made sweet rolls today. Orange and cheese. I made them low sugar. Not no sugar and definitely not low calorie. GF is diabetic and everyone is on a diet. They came out good. Used pure sucralose instead of sugar for the most part. I did use some sugar so the dough would rise well. 

Daughter liked the cheese danish a lot more than I thought she would. I expected her to like the orange ones best. But I made the cheese ones in my own way. The filling has pineapple, orange juice and vanilla. Not your typical cheese danish.

GF has had a bad week from what she has told me. Step brother died. Cousin in hospital for triple bypass. 

So I have only seen her once this week. Though this does all raise questions. None of this has been posted publicly. For all I know she could be out of town right now. For all I know none of this is true. She had promised we would have more time together during the holidays. Not so much. She said she is going out of town on 12/30. 

She was suggesting but not promising she would come over on Christmas. I hope so. 

I have made myself available to her basically 24/7 this week. Keeping phone by the bed. She texted me one night. We've talked a bit online. Still says she misses me and would like more time with me. It doesn't happen, though. I do care about what she is going through. 

If all is true, I want to be here for her and it drives me crazy not being able to be able to support her more. 

As is obvious, not closing my mind to the questions. 

Maybe I'm just a selfish and distrusting person who does not belong in a relationship. Maybe I question too much. Not sure. The one thing I do know is that I cannot silence the questions in my mind. Dedicate my heart, mind, time, fidelity or regain my freedom? Have to wait and see. 

It's not a question. If all is as it seems she is the perfect woman. 

I want love, romance, honesty, dedication, monogamy, sensual and emotional intensity and intelligent long conversations plus a lot more. I want those things with her. I just have to know they are real beyond all doubt. 

Long weekend

Happy to say daughter wants me to pick her up this evening. Told her she will be helping me make sweet rolls this weekend. 

Not seeing gf until after Christmas. Her cousin had a heart attack and is in the hospital for a triple bypass. She is going to visit him, of course. Then on top of that, her stepbrother died. Not sure what from but he was in poor health due to years of substance abuse. Merry Christmas. 

I'm not dumb. I know these could be made up stories to cover for time she spends with someone else. I have no verifiable evidence that anything is true. I just prefer to think otherwise. So, I let her know I am here for her no matter what. If she needs to cry, I will offer my shoulder. If she needs my arm around her, I will not hesitate. I will never judge her for any moments of emotional vulnerability. 

I've been kind of selling myself out for my YouTube channel. Posting links everywhere. That's really the only way I may gain an audience. Hoping to get more views, more subscribers. I've posted links to some of them on news threads. Now that I have a decent selection of videos, I have a variety of current subjects which I can post videos to. May not do another one until after Christmas. Or maybe I will. Two frames of thought. On one hand, there may be few people watching this weekend. Even fewer who want to watch videos on politics. On the other hand, there may be many viewers and not many current videos being posted. So I may post one or two of my lesser important topics. 

Crypto still doing weird things. Finally got my money from Forex and suddenly BCC trading was suspended this morning on Coinbase. WTF? Okay, just checked while writing this and it opened up again, so I bought 1/10th of a BCC. So, cryptos are down in value at the moment across the board. I know that all has to do with people pulling money out for the holidays. I am still running a positive balance on my investments. I completely expect them to skyrocket after Christmas and even more after NY. I wish I had more to invest right this minute. But that would be risky. Need to keep money in the bank to cover living expenses. Though I could well buy another 1/10th, it would be in the BCC account. That could be sold and withdrawn in minutes. Maybe I will do that. 

WTF? Suspended again!!

I started doing some special exercises again. Many men do not even realize these exercises exist. I have not done them for years and specific muscles got very weak. Took having an active love life again before I could even do some of these and tell if they were having any effect. Now I can tell. I avoided these for years because they seriously increase my sex drive. To an extreme. Considering what I know my sex drive can be like and do to me, I often consider that a negative. On the positive side, they increase the intensity of my orgasm a LOT, while making that take much longer to reach. The goal (which I am nearly at) is being able to remain erect even after orgasm. Sometimes for many hours. Of course, then the question which gives me pause is whether that would be of any use? I can hope but cannot be sure. If not, it turns back into a negative. 

However, I am kind of out of shape in general. I need to start going back to the gym soon. I was hoping Planet Fitness would have a special where they would waive the enrollment fee. Looks like that may not happen. They do have a special where the higher priced membership has an enrollment fee of only $10. Costs twice as much as the cheap membership but includes massage machines and tanning beds. So, I may go ahead and sign up for that one again. Going to check the hours of the nearest location. I may wind up going at strange hours if they are 24 hours on some days. Did not want to sign up until I found a job. Job found, so no more excuses. 

I need a nap. Did not sleep much last night.

New job

Got the notice last night that I was hired for the job I wanted! Yay!

This one is as a care manager. Part of the time I go to people's homes and assess their medical needs. No direct medical care. I will be assessing their medical needs and forward assessments to the insurance company. I'm slightly disappointed that it's going to be as simple as it will be. Then again, would I want to spend that much time on the phone? Probably not. Much of the time I will be working from home and calling patients to follow up. It's a flexible schedule, mostly self paced. I get assignments from the insurance company which I have to complete. 

In any case, I like the flexibility and it will be good on my resume. I'm sure some days will be busier than others. It will require a lot of driving but that means I will learn my way around better. That's a benefit. 

I will invest in a vehicle that is better on gas once I have the money for it. Technically, I have the money but it's in investments and I do not want to pull that money out just yet if I do not have to. Maybe a new motorbike is in order. Keep the van for rainy days and use the bike for dry days. 

I got silly and bought three turkeys. They were on sale for a really good price. Not huge ones, of course. Two are in the freezer, one in the fridge. Meat has gotten expensive and turkey is 2-3 times the price most of the year. Honestly, if I had a large freezer I would probably buy more of them. I like turkey. 

Crypto is doing strange things. Mostly because Coinbase started trading Bitcoin Cash (BCC) and it's much less expensive than Bitcoin (BTC). Once I get my deposit from Forex I may put some money into BCC. Not a whole lot but some. 

Underestimating

This weekend, I had planned on making gingerbread cookies with my daughter on Sun night. Made the dough late in the morning and placed it in the fridge. Has to be refrigerated. She wanted to go skating, so we went. Then she said she wanted to go back to her mother's. That hurt. I did ask if she wanted to make the cookies with me and she said no.

Maybe I am just too boring. Maybe it's because it's her time of the month. I'm not sure. Keep asking her of there is anything she wants to do and she says no. I suggest activities and she always declines. Maybe it will be better when spring comes along and we can go on nature outings. There's really not much to do around here. 

I cashed in my yuan and ruble holdings. Made a small profit and may put more money in in a few weeks. Just going to use the money on crypto in various forms instead. Instead of building a mining rig, I am going to buy mining capacity on a mining farm. Plus invest some in various ways. I am going to look deeper into smaller coins which show some promise and are still inexpensive. Bitcoin has already reached a formidable price. I expected it to hit $20,000 this past weekend but it did not quite make it. Almost. I still think it will get there this week. I know it will shoot up much higher around the beginning of the year. Probably more after the 1st of January. For now, I am showing a decent but not extravagant profit. 

I think I have been underestimating exactly how submissive my gf is. I may have somewhat bored her by being too nice. Would not be the first time in my life.

I can change that to a degree. I can be far more dominating than I have been. And I enjoy the dominating role a lot. However, not so much if it is only for my own enjoyment. I can tell if she is not so much in the mood. Of course, that runs two ways. She may be less interested if I am less assertive. 

One big issue is that for me, domination is a time consuming process. I like it to take a very long time. Time I have not had with her. 

Up to now, I have mostly been less aggressive because this is a matter of trust. I have not wanted to turn this into a purely sexual relationship. However, I have noticed she gains a lot more interest when I mention being more aggressive. 

Maybe one of these days I will have that kind of time with her when she feels more interested physically and emotionally. 

Until then, I am looking at something synthetic. Mechanical. 

Lessons

Karma seems to be teaching me a lesson lately.

Patience. Something I've never been all that good at. 

Think karma has been trying to teach me this lesson for a while and I have not been paying attention. 

First and most importantly in my relationship. Patience in this situation is mandatory. Cannot be avoided. This is what began the realization that I lack patience and need to rein in my compulsion. I'm glad I did.

Second most obvious is with cryptocurrency. This is what led to me realizing that this is a karmic lesson. Not long ago, I sold off 1/3 of a Bitcoin at a profit. I expected it to dip further afterward. Which did not happen. I put some of my money back in and bought 1/10 of a Bitcoin, which has risen dramatically since then. If I had waited, my profit would have been much greater. Past couple of days I have considered selling that to invest in another crypto. Instead, I will let it sit and see what happens as it keeps rising. I do not expect it to drop very much now but keep rising in a staircase fashion. I have invested in other cryptos which I expect to increase in value. Just more slowly than Bitcoin is at the moment. But Bitcoin took years to reach the current value. If I do not start working in the near future, I will be forced to cash in some of the cryptocurrency. I am trying to wait until after the holidays, when I expect all of them to rise rapidly. 

Less obvious over the past year and more is my relationship with my daughter. Having to be apart from her for so long. That was the first lesson in the series. That was difficult. For a while she told me she did not feel we had ever really bonded as father and daughter. That hurt but I assured her I felt otherwise and that I would be moving to be near her. Since I got here, she has seemed happy I am here. 

Then there was the selling of the house. I covered that one enough before.

Currently also is my job search. I am being patient on this, trying to find a job I will enjoy. I have applied for several but with no result, in one case because I turned it down. I think the job I am applying for now would be very good and fitting with my abilities if I get the job. It would be helping people maintain their health and avoid winding up back in the hospital, as many have been recently discharged. 

All of these cases involve me waiting, not giving in to fear. Taking a risk. I have to stop being as defensive as I have been. Let my guard down. I'm NOT good at that. But it's a lesson that I must learn. That's a scary lesson for me. 

More commonalities

So, it seems we have even more in common. 

We both love taking long drives and don't mind getting lost. Can make a trip much longer because we both have the enjoyment of stopping and taking pictures of things that not everyone would find interesting. Old cars, tractors, barns, houses. Taking back roads. We both love living in the country but in commuting distance. Lots of space. Gardening. 

The number of things we both enjoy is uncanny.

We do have differences, of course. She has a number of animals. Has spent her whole life adopting injured and abandoned animals. I have none. 

A consequence of this is that she is more grounded. I am more of a gypsy. 

But I have not always been that way. Mostly I just never really had anything keeping me in one place except my daughter. I do still like to travel and that is difficult with animals. However, I am guessing she knows how to handle that problem. She's very inventive.

I am more technical, she is more artistic. I am more centered on social movements and tactics, she is more emotional and focuses on individuals. Of course, if we get involved in social movements together, that would be a potent combination. 

She is also the first woman I have ever been involved with who has the same views on romance that I do. That long-term togetherness, affection and trust mean a hell of a lot more than plastic crap and instant gratification. 

Long list of things to do tomorrow. 

Committed

So, after finally getting my head on straight, I have committed myself entirely to this relationship.

I told her that I would indeed like to perform the handbinding ceremony in early January. At the beginning of the year, not the end. I consider it symbolic. It is a beginning. Between now and then, I will be planning and writing vows. I already started on those. 

She had to have an invasive medical test today. She was nervous about it. Wish I could have been there but could not for obvious reasons. I was happy when she texted me after it was over. It involved anesthesia and an internal biopsy, while she is on blood thinners. So there was some risk. I know how to handle and monitor any effects from those risks but if I cannot be there..

None of this means I am not anxious. Guess if I were not anxious that would just mean it did not mean as much to me. So is she and I know it. Both of us are working through that anxiety together. 

And none of that means I'm not horny as hell because I am. But I only get that way when my emotions are there. 

Been seeing decent gains on my crypto investments. Wish I had put more of my investments into that. Seeing more modest gains on Forex investments. I may sell some of that off and move it to crypto. Need to do more research and learn about the smaller coins. I've more than doubled my money in the last month that I have invested. Made some dumb moves because I could have made a hell of a lot more if I had waited until the following morning. Oh, well. Live and learn. No use crying about it, I made a profit. 

Tomorrow I'm going to do the research and start mining less intensive cryptos. If it shows promise, I'll move use that money and buy hardware to expand and mine more. 

My YouTube channel is off to a slow start. I may have to go ahead and start a website, which I intend to do any way. It will be a venue to publish and share Progressive articles and videos. Have to use some of the money I've earned for that purpose. 

My job application is moving forward. Had to get a new chest xray this week. That's done. Have to go pee in a bottle tomorrow or Fri. There is a lag on payment with this company, so I'm glad I'm where I'm at financially. Most of my life I could not have dealt with that lag. Once I get going, seems like it could be really good. 

Getting it right

She came by early today. We had hours together.

It put my head right. There is no insulation from this. The problem is that I miss her from the moment she leaves. An empty space only she can fill. 

This is something that I have known subconsciously. Just had to admit it to myself consciously. 

I just have to suck it up and endure the time until I see her again. 

Time to throw doubts out. They have no justification. 

Still thinking

Though I deleted some posts, that does not mean my mind has ejected any thoughts on what I wrote. 

I seem to be over my illness. Back to normal. Never sick for long.

I've decided I am no longer going to talk with her about sex. Not going to make any more forward moves on the subject. 

She does love me but I suspect not in the way she thinks. She wants friendship, togetherness, affection, love. Sex? Not so much. She says she wants more with me but actions do not line up with words. In effect, she wants an affair with me. 

I'm fine with that. I do love her. Though I would much rather have it defined that way. It's not fair to me to wait around, alone. To be committed to something that will never come to be. To want more and always just want. 

Guess I will know tomorrow. This week she has a procedure on Wed and has to prepare for it on Tue. So I will not see her Tue, Wed and maybe not Thur. The next week she goes out of town. She knows this too. So if she makes the conscious decision to show up later than 5 PM tomorrow, I'm just going to tell her to go home. 

What I want is more honesty. That's not too much to ask. 

Sick

I deleted some posts. In an emotionally turbulent place right now and being sick is not helping.

Maybe I really am being a fool. Sometimes I feel unimportant to my gf. I seem to come last on her list of priorities. 

Or maybe I am just not made for this kind of relationship. 

On the other hand, I am not made much for dating multiple women when I have real feelings for one. I've dated multiple women before but once my feelings go in one direction, I just cannot do it any more. I prefer monogamy but intense monogamy. (Intense NOT meaning to include anger/violence/conflict.) 

She makes promises to me. I'm in no way sure what will come of them. 

One thing is certain. I need to expand my social circle and activity level. Once again, difficult to do in this culture. But that's the story of my life. 

Intensity is also a problem for me. Yes, in a relationship I can be possessive but not overbearing. 

YouTube channel is up!

Well, I finally got my YouTube channel up and running! It can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGmaLXr9KjcQ2dcBa-bM3Jg

I cannot personalize the name of the channel yet. I have to have at least 100 subscribers before I can do that. I only have 7 subscribers so far and one of those is my other YouTube account. 

So far I have done two videos with a goal of doing five videos per week. That will work out for the moment, as I have a long list of topics to cover. Once I get through that list, it will be harder and more time consuming because of additional research needed. 

In any case, I will still be producing videos. Once I start working, I may have to record multiple videos in one day and release them on different days. I've noticed a lot of YouTubers do that. 

I'm still in the learning curve where editing is concerned. I paid the money for a software license for an editing program for 3 years. 

Views are going up slowly. First day I had 7 views. Second day I had 15 views last I looked. (Hope none of those were mine. I assume YouTube does not count my own views in the total.) 

One thing I hate. One guy who claims to be leftist posted comments going against the video on the tax bill. Without watching the damn video. One of those idiots pushing MMT, which will not work unless it is adopted globally. Plus the video had only a small part having to do with taxes. Most of it was about economics. I addressed it under the tax bill because the tax bill gives massive tax cuts to the wealthy and corporations. At the expense of the working poor and middle class.

Okay, I have to get back to business. Get another application out and work on the script for the video today. I've settled for now on a pattern of writing a script to get my thoughts in order. Review the script and then record the video. I may shorten that to only making a list of key points I want to cover. I'll try that today and see how it goes. At worst, if it does not go well, I can delete that video and go back to a whole script. I still need to check on something in the video editor for scripted videos. Not entirely sure what that is but sounds good. It may let me add closed captioning, which would be good. But I tend to only use the script as a guide. 

No games

I know some people (men and women) play games with different things. They twist words. I don't do that.

Some people will say various sexual activity are not sex. Oral, anal, mutual masturbation. They claim those are not sex. Yes, they are. When I say I will not be involved sexually with anyone but one woman, it means exactly that. People that play those games cannot be trusted. Nor will I place myself in any position which would be likely to lead to something more. Kissing, making out, etc. Monogamy means precisely that. 

Have I made mistakes many years ago? Yes, for emotional reasons. While it resulted in sex outside of a relationship, it was not really sex I wanted. I was too immature to admit that completely to myself at the time. In at least one instance, no promises or commitment had been voiced, so it was not cheating. 

That said, will I flirt for the sake of flirting? Yes, I may. Less likely to do that than when I was younger. I flirt only for fun but most people can't grasp that. Do I look at porn? Yes, I do. Not going to stop, either. Both increase endorphins. Flirting can make a person feel more confident and attractive. 

Okay, back to life.

Getting my resume out to more places. Not getting much response about HEDIS positions. Kind of pissing me off. I think, once again, the agencies are pushing RN's who are less qualified than I am for the positions. I actually have experience with HEDIS. 

My old company sold out to a new company. So my inquiry about going back to work for them may have gone nowhere. The person I wrote to may not even be there any more. Maybe I will just apply online. 

There are a few spots I am interested in online. Not many. In December, companies slow recruiting to a crawl. There are also huge political events which may be affecting recruitment. 

I decided I am going to start mining cryptocurrency. Probably Litecoin but maybe some smaller and less expensive (hardware and power) coins which show promise. Bitcoin mining now takes a considerable investment and it is doubtful one can make a profit unless they have solar or wind energy because it takes so much power. Smaller currencies don't have that kind of requirement. Maybe I can get started and if I make a profit from it, invest that in more hardware. In any case, it will be a learning experience which may come in handy at a later date. 

No, I have not gotten the YouTube channel going yet. Have everything in place and wrote the script for the first video. Now I just have to record it and post it. 

Tax bill

Last night CONgress passed a very controversial tax bill.

This bill is known to give massive tax breaks to the rich, effectively raise taxes on the poor while removing deductions which benefit mostly the poor and middle class.

This both accelerates and massively amplifies the coming crash of the US dollar. Which was already going to happen in less than a year.

I had started a FB page related to this. The page has a lot of articles and information presenting the evidence for the crash. https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheComingCrash/

This crash is going to make 1929 look like the tech boom. The effects are going to be wide-ranging and tragic.

The only good part of what is coming is that it will finally put it into people's heads that "trickle-down economics" is a myth that does not work, has never worked, will never work and CANNOT work. You would think that the last 37 years would have clued them in but that's not the case. 

It also demonstrates that our elected officials are completely corrupt and our government is for sale. Because it has been auctioned off.

This is a really dark day. 

Moving forward Pt 3

My gf came over yesterday evening and we had several hours together.

No specifics but have to say something happened which has happened very few times in my life. And never with nearly the same emotional impetus before. As time goes on, we become closer and closer. All barriers dropping. 

I have said several times this is a scary place for me but I am not running from it. I do have a reflex which sparks some urge to sleep with other women but have a long history of not giving in to that with less on the line. So I will definitely not be giving in to that this time. 

Hell, I have been known to tell a naked woman to put her clothes on and leave and I was in my 20's when that happened. I have a lot more self control now than then. 

Plus the fact that I have a much stronger connection at more levels with her than anyone I have ever been with. Not damaging that.

She also has fear. I can hear it and see it. It will take time for that to pass. I told her last night that she will ultimately find me boring in just how little she has to fear from me. She has had men that abused her, beat her, cheated on her, insulted her, ignored her. I would not do any of that. So I will be here for her as she works through that fear. 

Honestly, I expect at some point she may become angry with me as she realizes how little she has to fear. Then it all becomes a commitment, which is a different kind of fear. No external threats, only internal. Plus just the fact that some subconscious part of her will want to see how I react when angry. With a past history of abuse, I can say I will not be violent or abusive as much as I want but the question will remain present until she sees it for herself. 

I think I took a step forward on that when I told her I wanted to delay our ceremony yet did not in any way step back from her. Instead, we have become closer. 

This morning, I woke up aroused. Cannot remember my last dream but that has not happened since I was in my 20's. I do recall dreaming of us falling asleep together. Though I tend to think if she spent the night here there would not be a lot of sleeping going on. 

I DO want to get out and start expanding my social circle a bit. Only to make platonic friends in intellectual and social movement circles. Kind of surprised there aren't more meetings about that with the election coming up soon. But it's all protests. Which I am for but do most of mine online. Try to spread knowledge and awareness without the risk of being arrested. I don't deal with jail well at all. Even if money is not an issue, I cannot stand to be locked up for any period of time. 

Besides, I find spreading awareness far more effective than protests, which tend to be preaching to the choir. 

Okay, I have things to do. Have to finish my CEU's for my nursing license.

Script

I finally wrote my script for my first video. It's detailed but I may add or subtract in delivery. 

Will record the first video in the morning. Got tired and was chatting with my gf so ran out of time tonight.

I got the hardware and software issues resolved. Then was trying to record and could not get the lighting right. Looked washed out on one side of my face. Finally ran to the store and got a clip lamp so the lighting will be behind the computer, so it evens out on my face. Much better. 

Can't wear my glasses in the videos because the computer screen reflects back on them. Have to have the computer on to see myself on camera, since I am doing to videos myself. 

Both excited and nervous. 

This week, I also have to get my nursing license renewed. Try and finish that tomorrow. I thought it expired at the end of December but it's at the end of November. They extended it until 12/7 because they had some issue with the portal. Tried yesterday but could not log in. 
That means I have to do my CEU's, also. Blech. Oh, well. Only 7 hours. I can blow through those very quickly. 

Cashed in my Bitcoin yesterday. Made a decent profit off of it. Wish I had waited until this morning because the profit would have been several hundred $ more. Bitcoin really escalated rapidly past $10,000. I lost my nerve, expecting it to drop. It did but not for long. Went up to near $11,000 today. I am going to use the profit to invest in other, smaller cryptos. I do still expect Bitcoin to drop a lot more and I will reinvest in Bitcoin when it does. 

Lots of big debates going on about Bitcoin and crypto. Wall Street just got REALLY nervous. I expect the stock market to see a massive drop very soon as investors pull money out and put it in crypto.

My gf came by this afternoon between her PT and aerial yoga class. Spent a couple of hours together, just talking, kissing, cuddling. I'm always happy to have some time with her. That's why I finally regained the motivation to get my resume out and get moving on the videos.  

Moving forward Pt 2

I have to say I have been a bit frozen in place for a while. 

Some of that has been because I wanted to sort out the emotional situation.

Otherwise, had to get things in some semblance of order after moving. Get reconnected with my daughter. Adapting to the new environment. But in some sense I have been frozen in place and I'm not sure why.

Have not gotten the YouTube channel up and running. 

Not depressed. Not scared of anything. 

This is really strange for me, since I have been a workaholic all my life. 

Physically, I feel strange. Been hard to stay warm much of the time. Maybe that's just because I need more exercise. Definitely need to get off my ass and be more active. 

Getting my resume out today. Updated and revised. 

I was waiting to hear something from one application. Still not hearing from them. So I am getting more out. What's strange is that many of the jobs I am finding pay best for telecommuting contract positions. Okay. I can handle that. 

Going to get more applications out this evening and get the first video out for the YouTube channel. I feel much better emotionally equipped for that since last night. 

Strange thing. Checked the stats for my blog. It's getting some views? Most of the views are coming from iPhones? Who the hell is that? Didn't figure anyone reads this at all. No comments. Nobody that I know mentions it. 

Moving forward

Yesterday she came over and we spent a number of hours together.

I needed that badly.

Emotionally, I can move forward in this relationship. Yesterday made me feel more important to her. Which I was not feeling. 

I could say it is not about sex but that would not be entirely true. To me, sexual/sensual intensity and affection are very important aspects of a relationship. Otherwise, you're not really anything but close friends and occasional bed partners. These are things you share with a partner which are not shared with the rest of the world. 

Every past relationship I have had have lacked something. Either my partner was uninhibited but not very affectionate or they were affectionate but inhibited. Lots of promises but not much delivery. 

I need all of it. Lack of inhibition is a sign of being truly open, truly wanting to please each other. Affection is a sign of feeling close emotionally, even when hormones are not at a heated pitch. Talking and sharing thoughts and feelings is communication. Learning more about each other. Plus we share the same intellectual capacity, so that is a level above and beyond most relationships. Neither is prejudiced or bigoted. Both care deeply about others beyond ourselves. Both have experienced abuse in our pasts. Enough to truly appreciate what we see in each other.

I hurt her feelings this weekend. She wants to have a handbinding ceremony with me. It's a Celtic ritual of commitment. I am all for it but I did tell her I want to put it off a while. Not something I want to rush into this soon. It truly means something to me. 

Part of that is that I do realize what she is coming out of emotionally. Years of being in a relationship which have left her feeling alone. Now she does not. She has been fighting depression and still is, whether she fully admits to it or not. I also understand from personal experience that depression is an addiction, a habit which can be hard to break. I do not want her to come out of that, feel a closeness to me which she later finds is not really there. I involve my emotions slowly, cautiously. Even this has been faster than normal for me for decades. Crap, I've stayed single for over 12 years now and have not dated for 8 1/2 years. But once my emotions are there, they do not move backward. When the person I love does do that, it hurts. A LOT. 

I did tell her I want her but I want her whole. No depression, no emotional pain, no doubt. The only way I can trust this is if she wants me as much when she feels back in balance. I do not want to do this because she fears I will walk away. Instead, it has to be because she sees I will not and I see the same in her. I know neither has that intent. Though I also know initial intentions can go astray. I know she has a strong sense of honor. I see that in her relationship with her husband. But I do not want her to be with me from a sense of honor to a commitment or promise she does not want to break. It has to be because she believes in us. The stability, not the initial emotional release and hormone rush. Yes, that would be more likely to happen with her than myself. I have spent these years alone. It would suck to go back to that but I am quite secure in doing so. In her case, she is still balancing the emotions for me and her husband. Then rushing into something else means she could later question whether she did so too soon and needed more time for just herself. 

I always think in the long term. When I do not, things crash. In this case, I am thinking and feeling in the long term. I am committed to us. Completely. No turning back. Nothing on the side. 

I will admit I still scan CL but that's amusement and diversion. And flagging the fake posts, which annoy the hell out of me. Guess just my OCD. Besides, I sometimes reply to people asking for advice. I have no posts up for any purpose. Oops. That's a lie. I have one up telling people how to spot fake posts. It has no other purpose. 

It is funny. She knows hacking and web searches far beyond most people. She could be reading this or even have my computer hacked for all I know. That's okay. Aside from my own emotional struggle in this, there's nothing to find which I would hide. Nothing I would not admit to. And there won't be. 

Still scary flying without a net. I don't give that level of trust easily because I have done so and been wrong too many times. 

Update

So, after last writing, she came by that evening. Around 9 PM. Came in and said she could not stay long.

I'm not unreasonable. I knew she would not be able to stay long. 

I felt much better that she did come by. She said she could tell I was down from not seeing her. Which was very true. 

Fri she was going to come by but had health issues. Tinnitus and not feeling well. Found out her blood pressure was up. Too much salt on Thur and had fluid retention. I advised her what to do. 

I'm not unreasonable. Do not want her health at risk to see me. 

The question becomes obvious. When do I reach the point that I am being too reasonable? Too understanding?

She said she will try and arrange for us to have more time together this coming week. Honestly, I need that. 

I cannot and will not pull away from her emotionally. I feel too much for her. I am not going to start seeing other women. Yet. 

But this week is going to be make or break on that. If I do not have more time with her, then I have to take steps to protect myself emotionally. I will start seeing other women as friends with benefits. I will tell her I am going to do so. 

Maybe that's exactly what I need to do. I do not play games but maybe she feels too secure that I will not see other women. In other words, there's nothing for her to lose. 

Honestly, if I started seeing other women, she would not lose me. Just share me. 

This is it (edited)

To clarify what I said yesterday, I meant I would put my single's ads back up if my suspicions proved correct. If she shows up after 5 today and then keeps watching the time to leave.

Last night I had really bad insomnia. Part from gut issues. Mostly because my mind would not stop.

Looking right now, if I am picking up on her correctly, like I won't have to wait until this evening. Talking online and she says she's not doing well. Then won't tell me why. If it has to do with me, then this is it. 

It hurts but I'd much rather it end now than later. 

For once I thought I found someone that.. Never mind. No use.

Edit- So, she said she is depressed. I know she quit taking Trazodone, so suggested she start taking it again at a lower dose, like I had to. 

She also said she misses me. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that. Not like I can go to her house with her husband there. Can't go to her appointments with her. That would spark a lot of talk. 

I told her I hope I get to see her today. She said she will work on making that happen. 

If it doesn't, I need some distance. Have to regain my balance. 

Maybe not so strong

Maybe I'm not so strong.

Once I am in a relationship, I cannot hold back easily. I put my whole being into it. Which puts me at extreme risk. But I cannot be happy any other way. Otherwise, why be in a relationship at all?

I know this is different. I counted on that. 

However. It seems to me like she is pulling back from me while trying to pull my heart in further. The deeper I go, the more I want, the more possessive I can become. Not like thinking or treating her like a belonging. Just wanting more time together. 

So, while I have expressed the desire for more time together, what I am getting is her arriving later and later, staying shorter periods and less often. 

Yesterday she said she was going to PT, then would come over here. After PT she texted me to say she was on her way. Next thing I know, she texts me to say she's getting her nails done. PT was at 1, she didn't get here until 5 or later.

Tomorrow she said she will come over after PT. Now I am not expecting her to be here until after 5. 

So, maybe the best decision I can make is to protect myself. Maybe I am being played. I don't want to believe that but have to face that possibility. 

Going to wait and see how tomorrow plays out. Then tell her I am putting my single's ads back up. Not my first choice but not going to wait around and feel this way. 

Deleted posts

I deleted a couple of posts. Honestly, I went through a couple of days of emotional upheaval. Partly because of a situation I will not recount. The situation was quite real and I cannot say completely resolved yet. However, part of it was that I realized because my brain chemistry was sorely unbalanced from stopping the Trazodone. 

Since then I started taking the Trazodone again but at a lower dosage. First day was okay but today I again had some brain fog for much of the day. So I will reduce the dosage even more. It does seem to help me to an extent but too much has a negative effect. If dropping the daily dosage doesn't work, I'll try a half or even quarter dose every other day. It may just have so much cumulative effect that my brain will not handle it. 

As far as the real issues, it is very possible I was overreacting. Or not. Hard to say. 

Barely seen my gf this past week. When I did, she arrives later and later. I only saw her Mon and Fri. Wed she hurt her arm at aerial yoga. Was in pain Thur. I understand and accept that. However, I also get a strong feeling that she is giving in to fear about our relationship. About her feelings for me. I've been through this before and it did not end well. She seems to want to hold onto her feelings for me and for them to advance. At the same time, that fear can drive a wedge between us which I can do nothing to prevent. THAT brings my own fear and need for defense into play. 

I considered strongly again whether I should see other women. Ultimately decided against it. I am giving this time. I do love her. In ways I have never loved anyone. We relate to each other on levels I have hoped for (and sometimes talked myself into believing were there but were not) my whole life. Both have a strong spiritual side, including a history of witchcraft. Grew up as Christians. Same political and social leanings. Both above normal intelligence. (Damn I love that!!) Both have had to dumb ourselves down for past partners. She has been in a mostly male field for decades, while I have been in a mostly female field. Same views of love and commitment but have always wound up with partners who claimed they agreed but later revealed the truth. Both sexually abused. She is submissive, I am dominant. Both pretty uninhibited sexually and emotionally, given the chance but want monogamy. Both driven more by emotion than intellect in spite of intellectual capacity. 

I do have to accept she is more emotionally fragile than I am. For good reason. 

So I need to practice more patience than I have had a habit of in the past. Give her time. I know it will go one way or the other. There will be no in between. I have to accept that. So I cannot ride any middle line. I will remain all in and wait to see which direction she goes. And be ready for it. I'm strong. I can withstand it. 

Self discipline

Have not yet gotten the YouTube channel up and running. Soon, maybe tonight. 

I feel a bit nervous about it. Want everything to go smoothly and look right. Had an issue with camera and mic cables being too short for any flexibility, so had to get extensions. No urge to pay more than they're worth, went to Dollar Tree. The one near me did not have them in stock. So I had to drive to the Dollar Tree 5 miles away, meaning dealing with traffic. They had exactly two in stock. Tested them and they carry data well. 

So, hardware, software, lighting, cables all working. No more excuses.

Something to admit to myself is that in my relationship I keep having an urge to see other women. Not seriously, just FWB type situations. Not because I don't care about my gf. Because I do care and it makes me nervous. 

I know, that sounds stupid. There is a form of logic to it though. Once my emotions are deeply involved, I feel vulnerable (which is a dirty word to me). I know I have written about this before. 

Any way, I am not acting on that urge at all. Just leave myself open. 

I can tell she has a lot of the same fear. We've talked about it. She did not come directly out with it, instead I could read between the lines of things she said and I brought it in the open. I know neither of us will overcome that fear quickly. But we trust each other enough to take the time to work past it. 

Obviously, I still have no idea where this will go. I'm just hanging on and enjoying my time with her. Even if only online. We spend hours chatting any time of day or night. That alone lends considerable weight to things she has told me about her marriage. Much of our conversation can be extremely romantic and often rather graphic. No way she could have such long conversations on such subjects with a husband who paid any attention to her at all. The other day she told me she asked her husband what color her eyes are and he could not answer without looking. After 11 years with her. She said this after I mentioned the color of her eyes. 

Absolutely nothing sexual lacking for me. Maybe for her but she says no. My body is still adjusting to having sex after NOT having sex for years. Never believe any thought that a guy who has had no sex for years will make up for it immediately. It don't work that way. Otherwise, we have the same very broad  range of interests in that realm. Amazingly similar. Unlike many past lovers I have had, this time the interest is not fake or simply because this is a new thing. I think this will only get more intense as time goes on. 

Detoxing

When I say detoxing I am not referring to some bowel cleanse or some crap like that.

Stopped taking the Trazodone a couple of nights ago. Glad I did. Not having any problems getting to sleep. I have awakened once each night since then but only once. Last night I got a normal amount of sleep, also. 

Today I feel a lot more awake and alert than I have for a while. No brain fog. That had become worrisome. My already poor memory had become really bad. Now I think it's coming back. Not completely yet, as it can take up to two weeks for this stuff to leave your system. But I can tell the difference.

Something not expected. My gut is doing better. Part of that is most definitely from clearing out the Candida but now it seems like the Trazodone was also having a negative effect on my digestive system.

I feel.. normal. For the first time in years, I feel normal. No pain. No indigestion. No nausea. (Still not hungry but that does tend to be my normal.) Still some fatigue but nowhere near what it has been. 

For fatigue, I am experimenting with increasing my Creatine dosage. Maybe that won't pose a problem with the Candida under control. I suspect that the Creatine may have actually made that worse. I'll know pretty soon. 

Too bad the weather isn't warmer. 

Last night I tried a different web cam program and microphone configuration. It worked! Very slight video lag but that's all. Going to try making some adjustments today and see if I can maximize all of that. If it works out well enough, I will get the YouTube channel up and running tonight, at last.

Been using the self tanning lotion, so I don't look pale and sickly. Better camera presentation. (Hey, I'm not wearing makeup.) 

Supposed to go to a meeting tonight. It's a local BDSM group. I'm just going for discussion. 

Oh, was talking with my gf last night and it struck me, so I asked her IQ. I suspected her IQ is considerably higher than mine. She would not tell me, so it was clear that it is. That's awesome! I know it intimidates most men but not me. I would never hold her back or expect her to dumb herself down for me, which obviously most men will do. I love the fact that no matter how complex the issue, we both understand it and do not have to hold back intellectually. 

She has sent me some of her writing and she is a LOT better than I have ever been. That one takes a bit of an adjustment for me. I cannot say I have ever encountered that before with any gf. 

Plus she has even more varied interests than I do. I did not think that was possible! lol! 

I would say I wish I had met her 30 years ago but then my daughter would not have been born. Plus I was a far different person than I was when I was younger.