Start day

So, I got the call yesterday afternoon to start work today.

That's great! If I work consecutive days that mean I should have a full paycheck for this week. Not sure when payday will be yet. Probably find out today.

That comes with very good timing. I'm at the end of any financial reserve. Had to put off paying a couple of bills. No final notices as yet and current up to latest bills. So nothing should be shut off. 

Heck, I'm not even sure of the pay schedule yet. Weekly, biweekly, etc. 

Going to have to get dressed and ready soon. Have to be there at 2:30. 

Had to put "Slime" in one of the tires. Slow leak. Just don't want to keep messing with it. Takes days for the air to go down a significant amount.

Finally sewed some holes in scrubs pockets a couple nights ago. Have to get new scrubs once I have the money. Along with regular clothes. The scrubs take precedence. 

I have to guess my first day or two of work will involve mandatory compliance training. Fire safety and all of that. Get my name into the medication systems. 

The dog doesn't get his walk today. I should have done that earlier. Just going to have to change up the schedule for that and take him in the mornings now. I won't be getting home until at least midnight when I work. I'll have to be getting up several hours before work any way, just for medical reasons I will not specify. 

This is going to be strange for me getting out around people again after more than 3 years either working at home or doing administrative work. I'll be okay but it will be a huge adjustment.

About time to get dressed and ready.

Job!

I got a job today.

Not my usual line of work but it pays really well at $28.50 an hour plus a $5000 bonus over six months. And they said it is okay that I'm on the medical cannabis program. Of course, long as I'm not taking it at work. I couldn't do that and function any way.

I am glad of that. I have been having painful muscle spasms and not much appetite at all since I stopped taking it last week due to my job hunt. I don't want to lose weight again. That was becoming a possibility.

Used to be I would not even apply for a job like this. It's mostly nursing home but also skilled nursing. Skilled nursing is okay but nursing homes are not typically my thing. Anyone can see that from my resume and all the high level care I've done. Can't go back to that though. The level of care is fine. The politics would literally kill me from the stress. Been through over 300 codes, among other things. That didn't do me harm. Politics and profit over patients, that nearly actually killed me and I did not know it at the time. Now I know it was causing internal bleeding. 

This is one of those situations where I feel like I am being led this direction. I got there early and stopped to smoke a cigarette before walking in. While doing so I walked around the car and looked in the back window. The facility is on Ouray Blvd. In the back seat it seems I had left one brochure from the Yellowstone trip. The brochure was from Ouray, CO. It was sitting on the seat with big bold letters staring me right in the face. Superstition? Maybe. Just an odd coincidence.

The facility is a really nice one. One reason I often avoid nursing homes is the odor. This one had no bad odor. It smelled good! Every person I met was nice and polite and seemed happy with their jobs. In Albuquerque. That just doesn't happen here. The DON and ADON were especially nice. Their work ethic aligns with mine really well. 

I was happy when they were asking about PICC line experience. Yep, since '96. Wound vacs? Yep, since '98. They have a wound care nurse. I like to learn from them. A teaching nurse. Really? Yay! If they had an infectious disease nurse I'd be in heaven! I know. Spoken like a true geek. What can I say? I wanted to work for the CDC before daughter was born.

It's also a chain. I checked and they do have facilities in Alabama. Including one just outside of Montgomery. So there would be the possibility I could transfer if I wind up moving there. Of course, that remains to be seen.

Before I can ever consider that I have to rebuild my savings, get the house and yard in order and sell the house. 

This comes with good timing. My savings are at their end. I am now delaying some bill payments. Told the ex I would send her the child support check but she would have to wait until I told her to cash it. It will still be late but not horribly so. She said they are okay because she had money in a retirement account. 

I was going to start taking some agency work as soon as possible. Wanted to avoid that because it can be a trap that's hard to get out of. Not bad when you do that on the side but not as primary income. Then again when I did it before I was only looking for hospital work. 

I may still do agency work on the side here and there. This job is 32 hours a week base. They consider that FT, so I will get benefits. Even at 32 hours it pays more than my last job per week. But some extra would be good in current circumstances. I may be able to pick up extra hours on the job. They said they don't mind OT. 40 hours would be good, more if it's needed by them and myself. Oh, and it's 8 hour shifts. Not complaining at all.

I have to take the dog for a walk and take a nap. I have not been sleeping well since I stopped the cannabis. I think I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Symptoms are worse now than before I started on the program. Or I am just more aware of them. 

Nervous

I am getting nervous now. 

Reaching the end of my finances. Not in any condition that I could take out a loan. Already at the point that I will not be able to pay the child support for next month. Going to have to hold off on some of the bills. 

Haven't found a job yet. Got turned down for one job. Have applications out for a few more.

If worse come to worse I'll start taking agency work. Go talk to one of my old agencies Monday if I don't hear anything positive tomorrow.

So, I've had to stop using cannabis. Not much use going to apply for most jobs until it's out of my system. Not sure how that will work out. 

While nervous I am also having a really bad time with my motivation. The emotional side of daughter being gone has kind of hit me. 

On the other hand, there's always the chance that the cannabis has lowered my motivation. Maybe it's best I do stop. 

Small progress

I made small progress today. Went through daughter's closet and my own. She left behind all the clothes she no longer wears, so hers was easy. I did save some things which have meaning and some which I plan on making into quilts. My closet I sorted out clothes I no longer wear. Thinned it out a bit. Bagged everything to donate. Most of my old clothes won't be any good for anything but rags. 

Of course, going through daughter's old things brought back memories. Nothing that brought me to tears. It was all good. Little melancholy. 

Have to go through the bottom of my closet tomorrow, which is a mess.

I figure this is the best route. Thin things down, clear more space. Have a yard sale in a week or two. 

Would have gotten more done but there was a power outage today. Sitting here at the computer and heard an explosion. Transformer. Power went out. I went out and checked with neighbors. Everyone on my side of the block lost power. 

That lasted for a few hours. Got a bit uncomfortable in here. 

Been a hell of a week. Daughter leaving, debit card hacked, power outage. Losing out on the job I wanted.

Got an email today for a job doing HEDIS reviews. I forwarded my resume. That could be good. It's temporary. May give me more time to find a job I want. Or I could stick with temp jobs for the next few months. 

Happy to say I was feeling better today. I was definitely fighting something off.

Texted the ex this evening. They're not in AL yet. They stopped in Dallas last night and in Jackson tonight. 

She said daughter doesn't feel too good. Exposure to cats, riding with dogs in the car. Allergies. Hope it doesn't affect her asthma. 

Any way, good they didn't push too hard getting there. Better they have some energy when they arrive. How you feel when you first get to a place colors your perception for some time, at least a few days, if not weeks. 

Getting to bed here in a minute.

Friday night

It's Friday night. On a normal Fri night until this week I would have picked daughter up, probably gone to get her some sesame chicken, hung out and talked while watching videos.

Not now. Not for a long time.

I think this weekend may be when things kinda hit me.

The ex had said they were leaving Wed or Thur. I texted her last night and she said they were leaving this morning. That kind of stung. Oh, well. I would have preferred they left before Fri, just for the sake of traffic safety. 

I haven't gotten much done this week. Couple of resumes out. 

Haven't felt bad but not good. I feel like I pulled a muscle in my back. Seems to be improving. Then there was the whole insomnia episode earlier in the week. Felt like I had a mild fever after that. It went away. Maybe I'm fighting off an infection. Nothing major, since it's fading and I had no other problems. 

Got a haircut today. That was basically the highlight of the week since I dropped daughter off.

Guess this is my life now.

Um, insomnia?

I feel like crap today. Not sure why.

I went to sleep around midnight last night. Then woke up at around 3 AM with a mild headache and stomach ache. Those eventually went away. 

However, I am still wide awake. Not very energetic but awake.

The job I had been hoping to get was filled while the time frame was up in the air about daughter leaving. I didn't want to take the job and then lose any last time I had with her. May stretch my resources thin but I'm not sorry I did. 

Not sorry for taking so much time off this summer. I got extra time with her. I had a feeling something was coming and once again my intuition was right. 

Any way, I checked the web site of the employer for that job. Turns out they have two locations here in town. While the location I interviewed at is filled, the other location has the same position open. That location is only a couple miles difference. So I emailed the recruiter to ask about that location. Waiting to hear back. He initially said there was no position there but I told him it was listed on their website, so he had to check with the manager. I also told him I would be fine with PRN for both locations. 

Few reasons I am interested in this position. One is that it seems low stress. Lower pay than I have had in many years but it's a trade off. The title would be great for my resume because the title is Medical Supervisor. And when I interviewed they said they were okay with me being on the medical cannabis program.

About the medical cannabis program, if I wind up moving to Alabama, I have to transition to other medications and off cannabis. Means several prescriptions at much higher cost. Before I can even do that I have to get insurance again and go see a doctor. Alabama has no medical cannabis program and the penalties for first time possession include a $6000 fine and a year in prison. Growing is something like $60,000 fine and two years in prison. So, obviously cannabis is not an option there. It's big business for them. Fucking right wing assholes.

Finality

Hate seeming like a drama queen. The time frame for everything until now has been uncertain.
I got to spend a final long weekend with daughter before they move. The ex let daughter stay one last night and day with me.
Had to drop her off for the final time for now just 2 hours ago.
The silence in the house is deafening. Knowing no more weekends together for an uncertain time. Probably never again in this house.
We had a good weekend. Talking, watching videos, having balloon fights. She kept rubbing my head.
I made it through the weekend without breaking down. But both of us teared up several times.
I guess the closer it came to being reality, the more it hit home to her.
I kept the conversation positive. Things for her to be excited about. Explained I will be happy to leave NM and move also if they stay there.
For now I will be in survival mode, my world silent and retracted.
Try and learn whatever lessons there are to take from this.
Need to get off my tail and get some things done which have waited far too long. Partly from illness but my health is definitely improving again.
Partly because I have always sensed this was temporary.