Insomnia..again

I took my medication and got to sleep fairly early for me last night. Then woke up at 3 AM.

Crap, am I headed into another manic phase? I just got out of one less than a month ago. Maybe that one never truly ended but was suppressed by a bout of Candidiasis. Now that that's back under control, maybe it's just going to continue. 

Then again, with all that's happening this week, my brain will not stop. I don't recall my dreams but know my head keeps working on solving real problems while I'm asleep. Always done that, so it's not a stressor in general. Just very big events right now.

I continue getting closer to the woman I have mentioned. I can genuinely call it an affair at this point. We've talked about the risks involved and where it could possibly lead. She's okay with it. 

I think her husband (and other men) senses a change in her. Men she has known as friends for years suddenly making passes at her. Her husband, who never actually kisses her (just pecks) gave her an actual kiss this week. But ended things there. She says that is the first actual kiss he has given her in at least two years. I did say the other day that I have seen changes in her since we met. Obviously I am not alone.

No doubt men make passes at her any way. She's attractive and outgoing. 

Women make passes at me too but I'm such an introvert that someone else has to point it out for me to know it. Even then I'm most likely to think the person pointing it out is wrong. Only to learn later they were right. That's okay, unless there is a mental/emotional connection, I'd pass on it any way. 

Still waiting on the computer parts and backup computer. Ugh. I want to get this stuff off the ground.

Talked with a recruiter the other day about a job working from home. It would still be better pay than most local jobs. It would be a contract for six months starting late December or early January. So it would end in May, which is good. Could take a few weeks off for a vacation with daughter before starting another job. By that time, I also hope to get the YouTube channel and website going enough that I make money and could do that full time. 

Finally got my AL driver's license and plates. That was a bigger effort than it should have been. First state I've ever been to where I had to go to separate offices for license and plates. Took more documentation than I could believe to get my license. But I went for the highest level, a "REAL ID". Guess that means on that I am a good slave to the state. But that may be required for domestic flights soon. Going to work on getting passports for daughter and I in the next few months. Just in case. Be handy in case we ever travel, any way. 

Think I will try and take a bit more of a nap.

Just my karma

Have to admit I am developing feelings for this woman I wrote about the other day. I probably shouldn't. She is married. 

Not much of a marriage. She's older than me but doesn't look it. Her husband is 3 years younger than me. Yet by what she says they have not had sex in nearly 4 years. I do believe it. All the signs are obviously there. From her presentation of it, they are extremely different emotionally and spiritually. I do know she spends hours talking to me online while he is home. Often talking about things a married woman would not be talking about if her husband was paying attention. 

But he makes a hell of a lot more money than I do. No way I could compete with that. And I am not in the emotional place where I would want to. I do like being single, having my time alone. More on that in a minute. I have not asked but I'm pretty sure she has her own money. She's worked with computers since long before it was commonplace. 

Not going to make it out like her relationship with her husband is a living hell. It's not. There is a reason she is with him and has feelings for him. No way I would try to change that. If anything, I have tried making suggestions and offering insights to help the situation. Nothing does because she has tried all I have suggested and he is closed to it.

I have had sex with her. It was great. She's very passionate. Only once so far. She is a very strong fit for my preferences in all ways. But most often we talk, we kiss, we cuddle. Things her husband does not like to do.

In the short time I have known her, I have seen changes in her. A softening in the lines around her eyes, a difference in the way she carries herself. Like she feels more feminine, more confident. 

This is a strange situation. For many years I have walled off parts of myself. It's a bit scary to let those parts come to life again. 

Now I am forced to consider my past relationships. I have pretty much always started as the guy who was out to have fun. Or the guy who tried to build a homestead. Then wound up as the cowboy riding off into the sunset. It was never my choice that it wound up that way. 

Just my karma.

BTW, she wrote a poem about me. Won't post it here because it's mostly erotic but not entirely. Other than purely erotic, this is the first time anyone ever wrote a poem about me. It was always me writing about them. So this is different. 

I'm okay being the guy on the side. I have a lot of things happening right now. Karma coming up to get in the way but it just makes me more determined. 

Trying to get a YouTube channel started. Along with a coordinated website and social media pages. Trying to get this where I can gain funding through various means. I set up a GoFundMe page for startup costs and will later set up a Patreon page for ongoing funding. But even if I have to do all of it out of pocket, I will still be doing it. That was the original plan. It is all a Progressive politics effort but will mostly not be called that. I want it to reach across party lines. To focus mostly on issues. In the background I will definitely be trying to convert people to the Progressive side. Through logic and reason based on issues. 

That's where karma came in. Tried rebuilding the computer. I suspect the first new MB I installed was no good. (Though it MAY be the processor, the system booted to Windows but would do nothing else. It seemed like the BIOS did not install the way it should.) So I ordered another MB. Installed that one and it has a different power connector than what the power supply has. So now I ordered and waiting on an adapter. But I also ordered and am waiting on a backup computer. Refurbished with Windows 10 installed. Once I get a job or some funding, I will get a backup drive which I can use for any computer I am working with. Store all my files to that drive. 

The laptop is too under-powered to use the webcam with. Needs a strong video card. Which the PC has two of. 

I am up for a job working from home. Have to email the recruiting company about that in just a minute.

Complexity

Going to just say up front I am finding myself becoming emotionally attached to someone. A married woman. Seems like it will become physical in the near future.

I have no sorrow or shame in it. The situation is complex in itself. She says she and her husband have not had sex in 3 years. I do believe her. The signs are definitely there. She still loves him. I am not doing anything to change that. Not going to badmouth him. Of course I know I only hear one side of the story.

However, I am emotionally protecting myself to a large degree. I have let her know I will be dating other women, most likely sleeping with other women. She's not fond of the idea but accepts it. I even told her it is for my own emotional protection and she gets that.

One of the worst parts is that this would not be happening but that I find more in common with her than anyone I have ever known. 

Any time I get close to someone or even feel the possibility, I have to face certain parts of myself. Like my fear of abandonment. I am aware of it. It's not something I can control nor do I want to. It has a real basis in my past and has led to bad decisions before I came to full awareness of it. Maybe some bad decisions even afterward. Either not protecting myself enough (most common) or protecting myself too much. No matter what, it has always led to walls which nobody has ever been inside. 

Honestly, I have never found the love of my life. Thought I had more than once but it proved false and it was only wishful thinking on my part. 

The song which most defines me is "Question" by the Moody Blues. Nobody has ever understood just how important that song is to me. Maybe my own fault because I don't press it on them. My ex is the one person I ever tried to get it across to. It failed. The song has two parts and she could not grasp the correlation between the two parts. She viewed them as separate and thought they should have been separate songs. They were written as one for a reason which few ever comprehend. When she failed to grasp it was the moment I really should have accepted that she never understood me. 

I don't hold it against anyone that ever walked away from me as an adult. Truth is that I am the most complex person that I have ever met. We all want to be accepted as a whole and I am no different. If someone does not accept me as a whole, understand me as a whole then it leaves something always lacking. 

I'm not innocent. Not going to make that claim. Made massive mistakes when I was younger. Some of which turned out to be the best things that ever happened to me. But they were still mistakes. I did not make those mistakes later. Maybe I actually should have. 

The most common mistake I tend to make is allowing myself to become so emotionally bound to someone that I fail to see that they do not have the same dedication to me. "And when you stop and think about it/You won't believe it's true/That all the love you've been giving/Has all been meant for you". 

Maybe my best bet is being involved with a married woman. Means it is most likely to end at some point. No abandonment involved. I have definitely been in relationships before because I knew they would end. Means I can feel as deeply as I choose because I know it is not permanent. I can love them forever as they are without regret, remorse or bitterness. 

If I do not protect myself in such a way, if I allow my emotions free rein I hold nothing back. I put every bit of myself into a relationship. I know it is dangerous but if I do not I do not feel complete. I just never had anyone who returned that much.

I know I will be writing more about this in the coming weeks.