After Christmas

Still bouncing back and forth between day shift and evenings at work. Not terribly happy about that, as I was told I was replacing another nurse who was retiring. She retired week before last and I am still bouncing. 

Now I am being told they had to hire someone else for the morning shift. They fired a nurse not long ago for charting on a patient who had disappeared. Then found at a hotel, drunk. He had charted on her as if she were there. New nurse orienting today but he is supposed to be PRN (as needed). He also has another job. So not sure how that will play out. 

I am happier and more settled in at this job than I was for a while. Though I am considering some offers I am getting. At this point, I am more concerned with the money from the bonus and the fact that I may be able to transfer to another facility in AL when I move. Though I do not have any emotional ties to the people I work with. That's not me. It definitely is them. 

Daughter sent me a Galileo thermometer for Christmas. Her mother sent me a Da Vinci clock kit. Hmm. Guess that tells me what image I have with them. Yeah, it fits. 

They are still not getting out to do or see much there. Damn. I'm an introvert but when I move to a new place I get out and see the sights, meet people, etc. I have really been the worst about introversion since moving here and that's because of the social structure here. 

Couple of the neighbors gave me some small gifts for Christmas. I had thought of making sweet rolls or cookies to give people but I have been too tired, too busy, too apathetic about Christmas this year. Too emotionally distanced by being left on the ground bleeding and actively assaulted. I know that was not all of them but it sure feels that way. To be honest, when they dropped off their gifts, each one looked embarrassed, sheepish. Maybe I should take that as a hint that more people witnessed the situation than I originally thought. 

Nobody ever checked on me. Not once. 

I am continuing my effort online to quell the hate and build a more positive movement. It is resulting in me having to eliminate some people from my "friends" list that will not let go of their need for confrontation and negativity. I want to associate with people on issues. Not hate and anger. I know it's easy to fall into that trap but it's mandatory to escape it. We cannot accomplish anything by keeping this country divided as it is.

No more cheese

Night before last, I decided to try a frozen pizza, just to see how my body would handle it.

Now good. My intolerance to lactose has gotten worse, it seems. Or at least more noticeable. Yesterday I had gas that could kill anyone nearby. Took some lactobacillus and that helped a bit. Though over the course of the day I got more fatigued and more irritable. 

Medicated myself last night and went to bed early. Really hoped to sleep in late. That didn't happen. Yet I was still really tired. Then a little while ago, I came down with diarrhea. That explains the symptoms.

Not much else to explain it. No pain involved. No nausea or vomiting. Only had pork and rice for dinner last night, which didn't cause it. And could not have caused problems before eating it. 

Doesn't feel like it will last long. Maybe I can get a little more sleep before work. 

Made a few decisions about the job. One is that making any positive changes will be wasted effort. Same as the rest of New Mexico. "This is how we've always done things and we're not changing it." Heard basically those words several times now. Plus reported a complaint about the kitchen and was met with an attempt at intimidation. 

I was not intimidated but not going to put myself on a limb. This place isn't worth it. 

The other decision is that I will remain here until time to move. If I was going to remain here I would absolutely be looking for another job. Right now, just going to focus on keeping my resume stable and improving my finances. 

I signed on to pick up 1.5 extra shifts over the next couple of weeks. Make some OT pay. That will add nicely to the OT and bonus on the check coming out this weekend or Monday. The second part of the bonus will come in Feb. Last and largest part in April. If I pull extra hours now and then, I hope to have at least $8-10k in savings by the time I move. No urge to be screwed as soon as I arrive in AL. 

Growing evidence

Lately there is growing evidence of a pedophilia ring at the highest levels of our government. To include President Obama and the Clintons. 

This goes far beyond some minor conspiracy theory. Code words being used by Podesta and his associates. (He was Hillary Clinton's campaign manager and long ties to the Clinton family for decades.) Some "performance artist" who does things related to the occult and pedophilia related subjects. Businesses using symbols for pedophilia on their signage. Several businesses directly related to Obama, Clinton and Podesta all merely yards apart. Artwork graphically depicting abuse of children which is absolutely unmistakable and cannot be interpreted any other way. 

Far too much evidence for it to be coincidence. 

Temperatures have dropped to below freezing at night. I need to shore up the solarium a bit more so the dog doesn't freeze. He still has the space heater which keeps him warm in a limited area. Not much outside that small area. I want to make it more so he can move around a little. 

Right now I am being lazy. I'll work on that starting tomorrow. 

In general, I am going to work intensely on the house starting this weekend. Packing things up and consolidating. That will make it easier to get the rest of the actual work done.

Kinda happy that I looked up the weather for Montgomery and learned it rarely drops below freezing there. Maybe in January a little. Right now the temps are mostly above 60 during the day. Once I move, it will be far more comfortable. Lower elevation, warmer temperatures. 

To get some of the work done around here I am just going to break out the insulated coveralls. I hate being cold.

60 days

Today was the 60 day mark at the new job. I made it through to earn my first bonus!

That will come with my next paycheck. Which will be nice. It will be my mid-month check, so less expenses to pay out. I have OT, holiday pay and the bonus all on one check. At least, it better be on one check or I am going to be pissed!

That check is what will set me back ahead instead of spinning my wheels financially. I have not been bad off, just a couple of small setbacks between the car and a low check just before that. I do have bills to pay, some of which I let slip behind a little due to the other things happening. But nothing big and I would be bringing things current again even without any extra money coming in, would still be moving ahead. 

The job is going better. I've established routines for each unit I work. That is still not saying it is organized. The place is chaotic. I am going to try and make changes to make it more efficient. 

It will still be even better when I move to a stable shift instead of jumping all over the place. 

I felt like crap all day today. Achy, tired. Woke up feeling that way and it never went away. I think it's just the change in the weather. Temperature dropping, rained last night, wind was blowing today and there's a small chance of snow tonight. Have to be careful driving to work in the morning. 

I'm just getting to bed early tonight. 

Firing range

I went to the firing range today. First time stepping on a range in 26 years.

Had to go shopping before I could go to the range. They require all weapons be in a case. I wasn't sure they would accept the original box as a case, so just went and got a soft case. Plus a box of cheap bullets. 

I did not do quite as well as I hoped. Not horrible. There were several other people with handguns that looked like they have been there no small number of times. I was doing as well as any of them. However, my standards are a bit higher and I strive for accuracy. So I was disappointed.

There are several reasons though. For one, the sights are really badly zeroed. The gun shoots badly left and down. Sights are adjustable but the screwdriver I brought was too large to adjust them. Have to use a smaller screwdriver and adjust next time. Plus I have not fired in so long I forgot I normally use a one hand or cross-body shooting stance. Today I was using a standard forward stance. 

So, I hope I do much better next time I go. Not going to complain much being my first time at a range in so long and my first true session with a handgun at a range. 

My holster came today. It fits the gun well. Has a pocket for an extra magazine. I think it should work out. Unfortunately it came late in the day and I had to take the dog for a walk before it finally arrived. Have not been able to walk him every day since I started working. 

While walking past the house where I last saw my attacker, I think I saw him in the back yard, back to me and at a distance. Once I saw him, I put a round in the chamber of the gun. He didn't follow me but he may not have seen me and his family (I assume) were all present. 

I found a way to make cannabis oil taste more tolerable. Thinned it down considerably with olive oil and mixed it with lemon juice. Still not good but at least it did not make me gag for 5 minutes straight. 

Work is going a little better. Just because I'm getting used to it. Not going to complain about this week, even though I had to work over two days this week. That amounts to OT pay. Plus holiday pay for Thanksgiving. Plus on the same check I should get my first bonus. It all adds up to at least $1500 extra on the one check plus a full 80 hours. Amazingly, on my last check before Christmas. Usually I have some tragedy happen just before Christmas which takes all my resources.

Of course, I had unexpected expenses this month, with the car impound fees and buying a gun. At least I have transportation and feel safer.

Feeling better

Past couple of weeks, since being assaulted, I have felt like crap. I seriously do not recall being struck in my side, so not sure if I lost consciousness for a few seconds or what. I know I was struck on my left side. I think he may have kicked me while I was down.

So, my left side has been painful, especially just below the rib cage. I have also had chapped lips, which is always a sign of illness for me. The pain got better and worse. This past weekend was the worst, with no energy at all. At work Sunday I felt horrid and my side was extremely painful, with palpable swelling present. I have been suspicious of a microscopic spleen rupture. Which can happen weeks after trauma. 

Last two days my lips became less chapped. Finally, last night I got some serious sleep (with some chemical assistance from cannabis oil). I woke once during the night drenched with sweat but otherwise fine. I knew then that things were taking a turn for the better. Today I woke up after about 10 hours of sleep, maybe a little more. The pain is gone and so are the chapped lips. 

So, my theory is as I stated, a microscopic spleen rupture. Since the spleen is part of the lymph system, lymph leaked into surrounding tissues and bloodstream this weekend. My body responded by sealing off the leak. Now the rupture is walled off and my spleen is returning to normal. 

One aspect of this comes down to the need for a more reliable schedule. Just so I can sleep on a semi-regular basis instead of staying up late one day, going to sleep early the following day just so I can go to work early in the morning the next day. That stuff may normally have negative effects but if trying to heal, it's disastrous. 

I am allegedly supposed to start a consistent evening shift schedule starting in the next few weeks. If that doesn't happen, I will actively seek other employment. 

First armed walk

I took my first walk with the dog while armed with the new pistol. Damn thing is heavy. Had to keep it in my pocket because I don't have a holster yet. I did order a holster from Amazon.

So, the walk was uneventful. No attacks and did not see the guy who attacked me. Not a surprise, really. Been walking the dog for years with no events occurring. It's really just the one person causing problems. If I am correct, his pattern is being in this area on Tue. It was Tue when he attacked me and Tue when I saw him again. 

It would be best if the damn police picked him up. No matter. If he follows me again, they will only be picking up pieces. I have the gun loaded with the hollow points. 

Even if I never see him again, I had been considering buying a gun for some time. Before January of next year, when the new President is sworn in. I am not at all trusting of how people are behaving. This entire country has gone insane. Looks more every day like the civil war I have been predicting is about to begin. I intend to be prepared.

I am still having intense pain in my left side where I was struck. Pain is below the ribs, so it does seem like my spleen is bruised or has a mild rupture. Not passing out or running fevers, so it's no major rupture. Then again, medical resources say the spleen can rupture weeks after an injury, so I am not yet in the clear. Luckily, my immune system is back up to speed and I heal very quickly. Long as I have no major rupture it should heal by itself. Long as I can handle the pain until it does. 

Tonight I am going to kick back, watch The Walking Dead and get to bed early.

Pistol

So, I went and bought a pistol today. I got a Jiminez 9 mm semi-automatic with jacketed and jacketed hollow point rounds.

This gun is considerably heavier than the one I had many years ago. Though it is a larger caliber. It has a couple of safety features older handguns did not have. Of course there is the safety. Then this weapon will not fire if the magazine is out. Prevents accidents while cleaning or clearing. Has a red tab that sticks out if the weapon is cocked and ready to fire. Plus the slide will not go forward unless you pull back on the slide and release the slide lock simultaneously.

It also came with a trigger lock. I won't need that except when going to the range. 

Which is another issue. I need to go to a firing range sometime and get used to this particular weapon. I haven't even handled a handgun in decades.

Going to take a class and get licensed for concealed carry sometime soon.

Haven't felt so great today. Really tired. Not sure why but could have to do with the cannabis oil I took last night. It made me rather depressed and anxious. Strange. I'm not finding that completely negative. I think it lets me understand the mindset of some people better. Though it could also just have to do with the changing weather. 

Something I was going to write about last night was that much of my writing lately has focused very much on calming people down. They are so hooked, addicted to fear and anger right now. I am analyzing Trump's policies and winding up defending them. Some of his policies are actually pretty good, while others are not much different from anything Hillary would have done. Those are fairly neutral in the current scheme of things. 

What is annoying the crap out of me is that so many people who supported Bernie and Jill are now attacking Trump non-stop without being informed. I am all for protesting specific policies but protesting one person is useless. Besides, I do NOT want to see the election overturned and she winds up in office. 

Colder weather

We had a meeting at work today which made me feel a lot better about the job. Between that and a conversation I had last night, I am giving this job another chance instead of looking for something else. 

That gives me a bad feeling I am trying to ignore. Every time I think it's safe to stay anywhere, I am forced to leave and always on false circumstance. Not sure what I did to deserve that karma. 

Weather getting colder. Partially closed the solarium, so the dog stays warmer. It helps insulate the back wall, also.

It's hard to believe that now, after the election, this country is more divided than ever. 

Got the car back

Got a call yesterday that the sheriff's dept found my car. It was run off the road in a ditch off 2nd. There was the guy who mugged me and a woman seen fleeing the car. They caught the woman but not the guy. She gave them his name. No surprise, he ditched her there. So they have a warrant out for his arrest. 

I want to see if I can get the report where they have his name listed. Try and track him down to help them catch him. Also so I know what he looks like and where exactly he lives. Keep him at a distance.

If they catch him, I will press charges for attempted murder. If he attacked someone else and hit them as hard as he hit me, they could wind up with a brain injury or dead. Especially if they are more fragile than I am.

Any way, I could not get the car yesterday because I had to work. Went and got it today. Turns out they vandalized the car, also. Tore out the dome light, pulled down the headliner, broke the side view mirror and the passenger side rear window. Nothing I can't repair. Insurance won't pay a dime. That figures.

The bad part from the assault physically was not my head. He also elbowed my ribs, which seems like left me with bruised ribs and spleen. Hurt like hell for a couple of days, including yesterday at work. Feeling better today.

The bar he hit my head with was sharp. Means it cut deep but it was a clean cut and is healing quickly. I took the steri strips off today because the edges have joined. The fact that I bled so much kept down risk of infection. I estimate that I lost a pint of blood. May have been more. 

Blood volume is returning. I feel stronger. 

It cost nearly $300 to get the car back because it had to be pulled from a ditch. My paycheck was low from not enough hours but at least I got paid this morning or the cost would have been higher. 

I took it easy today. Did laundry and dishes. That alone made the house look much better. 

After the visit from my friend from out of state, now I am feeling an urge for physical contact again. Have to admit that went well but not as well as I would have hoped. So I've started taking Goat Weed and Arginine. If nothing else, they are supposed to help increase my testosterone, which may give me more energy. Muscle mass? I can hope. Not the main reason I'm taking them but if they help with those things, great! Though after 7.5 years, one could not expect to do extremely well. 

Mugged

Last night I was walking the dog and got mugged.

Not just mugged but assaulted with a pry bar and my car was stolen.

Guy came from behind and hit me on the head with the pry bar. I was dazed and had blood in my eyes. Luckily, I did not have my wallet with me. But he took my keys. 

I changed the lock on the front door but the bastard came back later and stole the car. Police officer figured out one key had a Saturn emblem on it and mine is the only Saturn in the area. Making it easy to spot.

I have a large gash on my forehead, very deep. Had to put steri-strips on it. It will leave a scar. Also some bruised ribs. Those hurt because I have had a cough for days, so each time I cough it really hurts.

The worst part is that, while I was being assaulted, the dog ran home. Then a neighbor drove past while it was still happening and they just kept going. Small neighborhood on a dead end street and they just left me on the ground, bleeding and being actively assaulted. 

I fucking hate New Mexico.

So, I called off from work today. I'll be using Uber for a few days, until I get paid and hope to get a cheap used car off of CL. Not even hoping the police will recover the car. 

Visitor

So, I had a visitor from out of town this week, from Sun until Thur afternoon. 

She is a wonderful lady that I wish lived closer. But then I would be moving away in a few months. 

She is a co-admin from one of my political groups online. 

We had a lot of very interesting conversations over her time here. 

I will admit I have to reset my 7.5 year celibacy clock. But even aside from that, I will have her on my mind for quite some time. Just because I like her so much. 

I was happy to find I am off today and tomorrow. Mostly because I have come down sick. Guess it's a sinus infection. Hope not contagious. 

Tonight I am doing one of my mad scientist projects. Cannabis oil extraction. I read and watched a number of different resource guides. Still, I figured out there are a number of options. What I do not like is the "boom" potential for the usual method. Instead, I am using ethanol, a small to moderate amount of olive oil and a lot of water. It will take much longer because of the water but that's okay. 

It's still mostly a mad scientist project for me. Not sure if cannabis oil will do anything for me at all. It could all be wasted money. I won't call the effort wasted because I will learn from it. 

Down side to having a visitor for a few days is that it rather opened the realization that I do have some loneliness. I need to get out for some human contact once in a while. Start going to karaoke again. Something. 

No details but I got some Arginine at the store and ordered some certain herbs online today. Specific aspects of my biology need shaping up. That became obvious this week. 

More organization

I have started getting a bit more organized. I know, I should be much further along than I am. 

Part of it is that I have been working a lot. Barely a day off. When I have a day off it has been typically after an evening shift, one day off and then working the morning shift the next day. So I go to sleep late and have to get to sleep early. By the time I'm off I'm exhausted.

I've also had to deal with trimming the cannabis I have in the workshop. Not all that easy. 

I had some old metal frame chairs I was going to dismantle and sell the metal. I got tired of having them around and decided to just put them out for anyone to take. Plus an old ceiling fan, bean bag chair and a few other things. Including a working electric heater that needs a new switch. Someone should be happy to take at least some of that stuff. If they turn around and sell it that's no problem. Some people sell scrap metal for a living or extra income. I hope it helps someone. 

Got the furnace hooked up today. Night temps are dropping. Happy to say it started right up after I cleaned the filter. First try. Usually takes a few cycles.

Jury is still a bit out on the new job. Partly because the schedule but I asked to be moved to the evening shift permanently and they said yes. The rest of the current schedule is all evenings and then I begin all evenings next schedule. So no more mornings. The bouncing back and forth was a physical stress I can't handle quite as well any more. Never been a morning person. Few weeks I will have to bounce between units but then settle in to one unit. I also can't stand the day shift because too much noise, too much chaos and too many politics. All things I cannot stand. I like order. 

Only a week until a friend and fellow political activist comes to visit for a few days. Trying to get the house in better order before then. Aside from just getting things easier to fix up and make it easier to pack at a later date. Looks like Alabama looks more certain all the time. At least for now. That picture could change. Look how fast things happened with daughter leaving. 

I sent her a card and gift card for her birthday. Plus the national parks pass. More likely they will use it before it expires than I would. I'm sure there are national parks close to them. Maybe it will also motivate the adults to get out and do more. They like to stay home a lot. Though they did take daughter to the beach not long ago. She was happy. I have to give her a call on video chat tomorrow.

I actually seem to be (tentatively) reaching actual remission of my UC. Symptoms have decreased a lot. Some issues I will not go into. Just say much better. My energy is increasing. Part of what remains is my own motivation and consistent activity level. That will improve after the election because I will spend less time online. I will still be an activist but on more focused issues.

Going good

Things are going pretty good.

Kind of an odd situation. I oriented three days on the floor at the new job. Wed, Thur and Sat. Then had formal orientation yesterday and today. Bit backward for normal orientation but that's okay.

One more day of orientation and I have my own shift starting Friday.

Got to do a video chat with daughter this past Sunday. She says she is enjoying doing home schooling. Got to go see the local zoo.

I am kind of worried about her. She's been moved around from one place to another too much. It's affecting her. Every time she makes friends, she's moving again. I think that's a big reason she is okay doing home schooling and then going back to school next year, for her first year of high school. She figures by then it will be more concrete that they are going to stay there. Until that is decided, I have the feeling she is going to avoid making friends. Can't blame her. 

I'm in much the same emotional place. Going to avoid making close friendships until I know if I will be moving to AL. Just mostly work, renovate the house and maybe go to karaoke and the gym once in a while.

I am going to do a really good job fixing up the house. Not the exact same way I was going to. But I will incorporate some versions of things I was going to do to begin with. Build a waterfall in the back yard, probably a smaller one in the front. That will help increase the property value. So will a lot of the work I've done in the yard. Shelves I've installed. Rewiring. The irrigation well. Exterior electrical outlets. Fruit trees. 

Just sad that it looks like daughter and I will not be picking the fruit ourselves. Or sitting by the fountain. That's okay. I will try and buy a house in AL, plant new fruit trees and build a fountain or two there. New garden, new flowers. Maybe she will have a child someday and I can sit by the fountain and pick fruit with both of them. Or she will stay with me for a while during college or something. Worth hoping for.

Start day

So, I got the call yesterday afternoon to start work today.

That's great! If I work consecutive days that mean I should have a full paycheck for this week. Not sure when payday will be yet. Probably find out today.

That comes with very good timing. I'm at the end of any financial reserve. Had to put off paying a couple of bills. No final notices as yet and current up to latest bills. So nothing should be shut off. 

Heck, I'm not even sure of the pay schedule yet. Weekly, biweekly, etc. 

Going to have to get dressed and ready soon. Have to be there at 2:30. 

Had to put "Slime" in one of the tires. Slow leak. Just don't want to keep messing with it. Takes days for the air to go down a significant amount.

Finally sewed some holes in scrubs pockets a couple nights ago. Have to get new scrubs once I have the money. Along with regular clothes. The scrubs take precedence. 

I have to guess my first day or two of work will involve mandatory compliance training. Fire safety and all of that. Get my name into the medication systems. 

The dog doesn't get his walk today. I should have done that earlier. Just going to have to change up the schedule for that and take him in the mornings now. I won't be getting home until at least midnight when I work. I'll have to be getting up several hours before work any way, just for medical reasons I will not specify. 

This is going to be strange for me getting out around people again after more than 3 years either working at home or doing administrative work. I'll be okay but it will be a huge adjustment.

About time to get dressed and ready.

Job!

I got a job today.

Not my usual line of work but it pays really well at $28.50 an hour plus a $5000 bonus over six months. And they said it is okay that I'm on the medical cannabis program. Of course, long as I'm not taking it at work. I couldn't do that and function any way.

I am glad of that. I have been having painful muscle spasms and not much appetite at all since I stopped taking it last week due to my job hunt. I don't want to lose weight again. That was becoming a possibility.

Used to be I would not even apply for a job like this. It's mostly nursing home but also skilled nursing. Skilled nursing is okay but nursing homes are not typically my thing. Anyone can see that from my resume and all the high level care I've done. Can't go back to that though. The level of care is fine. The politics would literally kill me from the stress. Been through over 300 codes, among other things. That didn't do me harm. Politics and profit over patients, that nearly actually killed me and I did not know it at the time. Now I know it was causing internal bleeding. 

This is one of those situations where I feel like I am being led this direction. I got there early and stopped to smoke a cigarette before walking in. While doing so I walked around the car and looked in the back window. The facility is on Ouray Blvd. In the back seat it seems I had left one brochure from the Yellowstone trip. The brochure was from Ouray, CO. It was sitting on the seat with big bold letters staring me right in the face. Superstition? Maybe. Just an odd coincidence.

The facility is a really nice one. One reason I often avoid nursing homes is the odor. This one had no bad odor. It smelled good! Every person I met was nice and polite and seemed happy with their jobs. In Albuquerque. That just doesn't happen here. The DON and ADON were especially nice. Their work ethic aligns with mine really well. 

I was happy when they were asking about PICC line experience. Yep, since '96. Wound vacs? Yep, since '98. They have a wound care nurse. I like to learn from them. A teaching nurse. Really? Yay! If they had an infectious disease nurse I'd be in heaven! I know. Spoken like a true geek. What can I say? I wanted to work for the CDC before daughter was born.

It's also a chain. I checked and they do have facilities in Alabama. Including one just outside of Montgomery. So there would be the possibility I could transfer if I wind up moving there. Of course, that remains to be seen.

Before I can ever consider that I have to rebuild my savings, get the house and yard in order and sell the house. 

This comes with good timing. My savings are at their end. I am now delaying some bill payments. Told the ex I would send her the child support check but she would have to wait until I told her to cash it. It will still be late but not horribly so. She said they are okay because she had money in a retirement account. 

I was going to start taking some agency work as soon as possible. Wanted to avoid that because it can be a trap that's hard to get out of. Not bad when you do that on the side but not as primary income. Then again when I did it before I was only looking for hospital work. 

I may still do agency work on the side here and there. This job is 32 hours a week base. They consider that FT, so I will get benefits. Even at 32 hours it pays more than my last job per week. But some extra would be good in current circumstances. I may be able to pick up extra hours on the job. They said they don't mind OT. 40 hours would be good, more if it's needed by them and myself. Oh, and it's 8 hour shifts. Not complaining at all.

I have to take the dog for a walk and take a nap. I have not been sleeping well since I stopped the cannabis. I think I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Symptoms are worse now than before I started on the program. Or I am just more aware of them. 

Nervous

I am getting nervous now. 

Reaching the end of my finances. Not in any condition that I could take out a loan. Already at the point that I will not be able to pay the child support for next month. Going to have to hold off on some of the bills. 

Haven't found a job yet. Got turned down for one job. Have applications out for a few more.

If worse come to worse I'll start taking agency work. Go talk to one of my old agencies Monday if I don't hear anything positive tomorrow.

So, I've had to stop using cannabis. Not much use going to apply for most jobs until it's out of my system. Not sure how that will work out. 

While nervous I am also having a really bad time with my motivation. The emotional side of daughter being gone has kind of hit me. 

On the other hand, there's always the chance that the cannabis has lowered my motivation. Maybe it's best I do stop. 

Small progress

I made small progress today. Went through daughter's closet and my own. She left behind all the clothes she no longer wears, so hers was easy. I did save some things which have meaning and some which I plan on making into quilts. My closet I sorted out clothes I no longer wear. Thinned it out a bit. Bagged everything to donate. Most of my old clothes won't be any good for anything but rags. 

Of course, going through daughter's old things brought back memories. Nothing that brought me to tears. It was all good. Little melancholy. 

Have to go through the bottom of my closet tomorrow, which is a mess.

I figure this is the best route. Thin things down, clear more space. Have a yard sale in a week or two. 

Would have gotten more done but there was a power outage today. Sitting here at the computer and heard an explosion. Transformer. Power went out. I went out and checked with neighbors. Everyone on my side of the block lost power. 

That lasted for a few hours. Got a bit uncomfortable in here. 

Been a hell of a week. Daughter leaving, debit card hacked, power outage. Losing out on the job I wanted.

Got an email today for a job doing HEDIS reviews. I forwarded my resume. That could be good. It's temporary. May give me more time to find a job I want. Or I could stick with temp jobs for the next few months. 

Happy to say I was feeling better today. I was definitely fighting something off.

Texted the ex this evening. They're not in AL yet. They stopped in Dallas last night and in Jackson tonight. 

She said daughter doesn't feel too good. Exposure to cats, riding with dogs in the car. Allergies. Hope it doesn't affect her asthma. 

Any way, good they didn't push too hard getting there. Better they have some energy when they arrive. How you feel when you first get to a place colors your perception for some time, at least a few days, if not weeks. 

Getting to bed here in a minute.

Friday night

It's Friday night. On a normal Fri night until this week I would have picked daughter up, probably gone to get her some sesame chicken, hung out and talked while watching videos.

Not now. Not for a long time.

I think this weekend may be when things kinda hit me.

The ex had said they were leaving Wed or Thur. I texted her last night and she said they were leaving this morning. That kind of stung. Oh, well. I would have preferred they left before Fri, just for the sake of traffic safety. 

I haven't gotten much done this week. Couple of resumes out. 

Haven't felt bad but not good. I feel like I pulled a muscle in my back. Seems to be improving. Then there was the whole insomnia episode earlier in the week. Felt like I had a mild fever after that. It went away. Maybe I'm fighting off an infection. Nothing major, since it's fading and I had no other problems. 

Got a haircut today. That was basically the highlight of the week since I dropped daughter off.

Guess this is my life now.

Um, insomnia?

I feel like crap today. Not sure why.

I went to sleep around midnight last night. Then woke up at around 3 AM with a mild headache and stomach ache. Those eventually went away. 

However, I am still wide awake. Not very energetic but awake.

The job I had been hoping to get was filled while the time frame was up in the air about daughter leaving. I didn't want to take the job and then lose any last time I had with her. May stretch my resources thin but I'm not sorry I did. 

Not sorry for taking so much time off this summer. I got extra time with her. I had a feeling something was coming and once again my intuition was right. 

Any way, I checked the web site of the employer for that job. Turns out they have two locations here in town. While the location I interviewed at is filled, the other location has the same position open. That location is only a couple miles difference. So I emailed the recruiter to ask about that location. Waiting to hear back. He initially said there was no position there but I told him it was listed on their website, so he had to check with the manager. I also told him I would be fine with PRN for both locations. 

Few reasons I am interested in this position. One is that it seems low stress. Lower pay than I have had in many years but it's a trade off. The title would be great for my resume because the title is Medical Supervisor. And when I interviewed they said they were okay with me being on the medical cannabis program.

About the medical cannabis program, if I wind up moving to Alabama, I have to transition to other medications and off cannabis. Means several prescriptions at much higher cost. Before I can even do that I have to get insurance again and go see a doctor. Alabama has no medical cannabis program and the penalties for first time possession include a $6000 fine and a year in prison. Growing is something like $60,000 fine and two years in prison. So, obviously cannabis is not an option there. It's big business for them. Fucking right wing assholes.

Finality

Hate seeming like a drama queen. The time frame for everything until now has been uncertain.
I got to spend a final long weekend with daughter before they move. The ex let daughter stay one last night and day with me.
Had to drop her off for the final time for now just 2 hours ago.
The silence in the house is deafening. Knowing no more weekends together for an uncertain time. Probably never again in this house.
We had a good weekend. Talking, watching videos, having balloon fights. She kept rubbing my head.
I made it through the weekend without breaking down. But both of us teared up several times.
I guess the closer it came to being reality, the more it hit home to her.
I kept the conversation positive. Things for her to be excited about. Explained I will be happy to leave NM and move also if they stay there.
For now I will be in survival mode, my world silent and retracted.
Try and learn whatever lessons there are to take from this.
Need to get off my tail and get some things done which have waited far too long. Partly from illness but my health is definitely improving again.
Partly because I have always sensed this was temporary. 

Last day?

Daughter spent the last four days with me, since Fri night. The ex and her husband went to AL to pick up keys and arrange for housing. Flew back in last night.

I kept asking daughter if she wanted to go anywhere or do anything. She didn't. She's just bored with Albuquerque. We've done everything here many times. Nothing new or different. 

Dropped her off at her mother's a while ago. They have packing to do and expect to leave by next Wed or Thur.

Asked if daughter wants to come over here this weekend, she wasn't sure. Seemed like she doesn't. She's focused on packing.

Can't blame her. I'm boring. Plus neither of us were sure if the last few days were that last we had before she has to leave. I think the emotional stress is getting her, even though she doesn't show it much. 

I did see her tear up a couple of times. She also slept more than usual all weekend. Last few weeks she has been rubbing my head a lot, playing with my hair. Hugging me closer than she has for a while.

On the other hand, I was the one who was emotional. Teared up several times. Today before leaving home I could not speak for a couple of minutes because I started crying. I'm crying right now. Guess I will be doing that occasionally for a while. 

I am loading myself with chemicals tonight. I am going to get drunk and stoned plus take my regular medications. No tolerance for anything at all right now. 

Short version

My whole life I have focused on being literate, thorough and precise. 

Now I am living in a world of text messages, memes, 140 characters (Twitter), attention spans under 30 seconds and 6 second videos (Vine).

On the political front, I have been slow to adapt. I see things in the complex terms they are and inform people in that manner. Because of that, my reach has been limited to people who already understand complexity and have an attention span longer than the norm.

I am now adapting better. I think people have become informed on the issues just enough that shorter statements work even on complex issues. Mostly it is a matter of their tragically short memories. Or their hope that others will have memories as short lived as their own. 

So, I have started making memes and attacking via Twitter. 

I am focusing not on shock value but genuine information. 

Here are some of my constructs:

Depression

Well, I am now deep in depression. Full tilt. Crying intermittently.

Talked with the ex last night. She says they have to be in AL on 9/12/16 and will leave before then to find a place to live. Maybe by 9/5 or earlier.

She also says they are not sure if they will even like it there, so will be renting a house for a year until they decide. Not much point in me moving there if it winds up they don't like it and move back. 

So, focusing on fixing up the house seems fairly pointless at the moment. I will continue doing so but asking myself why. 

Guess I should be happy I am not working at the moment. I can't even think clearly. 

Had a longer than usual discussion with the ex last night. Told her it would impact me less if they said they were moving to Canada. 

She had no idea just HOW different the culture in Alabama is from any place any of them have ever lived. The blatant racism and stratification. I explained that manners are not only a good thing there but mandatory. That's one that daughter will really have to be on her toes about. She's never rude but she doesn't exactly use old fashioned manners. I did not tell the ex that they probably teach Creationism as science in school. 

Right now I am finding it impossible to find a positive in any of this. 

Big change

When I opened my email this morning I was in for a huge shock.

The ex told me her husband got a job in Montgomery, AL. They are supposed to leave before 9/12/16. Of course, my daughter will be moving with them.

I does break my heart she wants to go with them and not stay with me. However, she wants to live someplace with green trees and rain. Can't blame her there!

To be an active part of her life, of course I will move there as well. I don't like it here to begin with. Moved quite a few times in my life, so it's not a big deal to me to move per se.

It is going to be a huge thing as far as effort. I have to finish fixing up the house, wiring, patching walls, painting. etc. Rip out the garden. Till the whole garden under. Sell the house. Start trying to find a job before I get there. 

This throws my priorities all off with the house. Guess some things will be easier since I can start disposing of things I was going to keep. Much of it I will no longer need enough to pack and carry. 

I took it with a grain of salt this morning. True to me, it took a while for the stress to set in. As the day wore on, so did the stress. Trying to figure out where to start. I think the office would be a good place to get started. 

I never did get this house in order the whole time I lived here. Looks like the closest I will get is just before moving out. How depressing. 

Right now I do not feel like moving. Mostly confusion. It may take months before I get things in order and see my daughter again.

Wish I had known about this weeks ago. Though I would not have been able to do much until the final word came down.

I have big concerns about all of them emotionally. 

For daughter, I am not sure how being away from me will affect her. Plus none of them have ever lived in a place with such blatant racism. Daughter will not go along with it and will not remain silent about it. She is also moving away from her friends and she had finally made some real friends. Fucking seriously? First damn week into the new school year?!!!

The ex also has never lived in a place so racist. She may be able to handle it. Not sure about much else.

Her husband is another issue entirely. He has never lived outside NM. He has always lived near his family. He was about 26 and still living at home when he met the ex. He may be a lot more stable than I think. However, from a distance he seems of questionable emotional stability to me. Once again I could be wrong. He has refused to speak to me for years, though only met me twice for less than 10 minutes each time. Daughter tells me he spends most of his time alone. Now he is dealing with the emotional debris of a recently failed business along with a pending massive life change like nothing he has experienced before. The way I see it from here there is tremendous potential for negative events. I am so hoping to be completely wrong on this. 

Interview/Latest prediction

I had a job interview today at a plasma center. Pays less than I'm used to but not too low. Few hundred more than my base budget per month. Low stress, weekdays, pretty routine. Probably have the chance for OT at times. I've seen this location advertise nearly every time I was looking for a job before. Probably pay level and/or boredom leads to high turnover.

I think the interview went well. I also think they are looking for multiple people because of some comments indicating that from the corporate recruiter. 

Latest prediction- We are beyond the point of no return. I am not telling anyone and not giving up trying. However, Jill Stein is going to lose the election.

I think it will be worst case scenario. Hillary Clinton is going to win. That will mean more war. The worst war we have ever seen. It WILL impact the domestic US. Plus enacting a draft. Including women. 

It will also mean civil war. This country is already teetering on the edge. Riots breaking out in different areas with increasing frequency. This weekend it was Milwaukee. This is the civil war I have been predicting. It will not completely destroy the country but will affect most of the country. There will be blood. 

With war and riots will come disease. Famine. Drought. Censorship. Including internet censorship. 

Daughter and I will survive with no major injury. 

I do not know what will happen after all of that. I do know the US will cease to exist as we know it. Who knows? Maybe we will be better off after it is all over. 

I am preparing. I have food stocked up, enough for a few weeks. Going to try and stock up more. Weapons. Bows, arrows, swords, machetes. I can reinforce this house as necessary. I have the garden. Generator. 

Also been working on setting up secure communications with people I know online. Though I need to tone that down. Too many people know and it becomes NOT secure. Teaching people encryption. Trying to build a network. Not sure what we can accomplish but I think it is necessary. Call it intuition. I am also learning how to use the dark web and some programming. Not sure if that will help but it sure won't hurt.

Ongoing insomnia

I have had insomnia very badly this week. Over and over. `One night I could not go to sleep and was awake until after 7 AM.

Because of that, I have not yet been able to stop using cannabis yet. Frustrating. Most things that have the potential to help me sleep will make my restless leg syndrome much worse in higher doses. Leaving me exhausted and drowsy but awake.

I have not figured out why antihistamines do that to me. Then again, medical science cannot explain restless leg syndrome.

It is entirely possible that the insomnia is not a bad thing but a good thing. Not in itself, of course. What it indicates.

When I was younger, I really did not sleep much. However, my overall health was much better. That changed over time as my ulcerative colitis became worse, even years before I knew I had it. I've known about the UC for about 2.5 years but had other problems including restless legs for over ten years. 

As I have written, I have been taking juiced cannabis leaves with arrow root for several weeks on a consistent basis. That is showing serious improvement in my condition, which has really manifested in the past week or so. So my theory is that the improvement in my condition is causing the insomnia. Which basically means my body is healing down to the cellular level. (Yes, UC does do damage at the cellular level as well as the central nervous system.) 

Another thing which is happening is my motivation is improving again. That was something which was really emotionally distressing to me because I have NEVER had a problem with motivation. Yet I have had a lack of motivation for over a year now. I considered whether that was being caused by the cannabis. That's one reason I was trying to quit. Yet, while still taking cannabis, my motivation has improved quite a bit in the last week. Jury is still out but it looks more and more like cannabis was not the problem. 

I still may have to stop because I am job hunting and not sure what the current job environment is like regarding that.

At different points I also questioned whether there was something toxic in this house which was causing problems for me. Now I doubt it. It was just coincidence that my condition got worse after I moved in here and not even soon afterward. For a long time I was cutting wood, digging up bamboo roots (rhizomes), tilling the entire front and back yards, all while working. I think stress made it worse. Fought a hard battle against being foreclosed on while also being accused on multiple occasions of things I had not done on different jobs. (That's New Mexico True.) Had a number of weeks off to allow my body to recover from the stress damage now.

Got a call this morning for a job I am considering. At a plasma center. Pay less but seems like it would be low stress. My finances would be okay at what they offer. May be able to pick up occasional OT to make up the difference. Or even agency work on the side. In the meantime, I want to finish equipping the wood shop and start making things, possibly get a real home business off the ground. If not as a primary income, something I enjoy as additional income. 

Have to see what transpires from here.

Back to school for daughter

Daughter goes back to school tomorrow. Because her mother started back to work Monday, daughter stayed with me until last evening. Just so she didn't have to spend too much time alone. That shortened it to one day alone. 

We did very little this weekend. Not my choice, hers. I probably asked her two dozen times if she wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Answer was always no.

She says she is looking forward to going back to school. Misses her friends and she actually does enjoy learning, at least some subjects. Though not motivated enough to study on her own.

I can't say that much. I have been somewhat lazy getting my resume out. Hoping to find something I like and preferably working from home. If not, in an office. Not having much luck so far.

Been doing a lot of writing on FB while I have been off. It is difficult to track exactly how many people have read my writing. However, a good estimate by this time of my accumulated writing would be that my writing has been seen by at least 2 million people. That's only counting people that mostly agree with me. Just today I wrote two articles and in a few hours each one was shared dozens, possibly hundreds of times. That's only counting the number of times it was shared. Then if it gets shared again, it becomes difficult to track. 

All that makes it really amusing that my blog has no traffic at all.

Update on the cannabis. I thought I had only five plants but it turns out I do have six. Two are males. I am letting them grow and pollinate the nearest female plants, so I will have enough seeds for years to come. I thought it was five because one male is between the other male and a female plant, so it looked like fewer until I bent down and looked at the trunks today. 

The largest is about 8 ft tall and at least 4-5 ft wide. They are all starting to flower, so should be ready to harvest in a few weeks. Not sure what size buds to expect but it looks like there will be hundreds of them. (That's going to take some work to harvest.)

Funny thing is, I am trying to back away from smoking the buds. I am having great results from the non-sedating leaves when juiced. Though then there is the problem of storing the juice for the winter. Like it or not, I may have to keep a year-round grow going just for the leaves. But in that case even males will work. So, going to try not smoking starting tonight. I tried once a few weeks ago but could not sleep due to muscle spasms. Restless legs non-stop. Taking medication for that, over the counter. See how it goes. Maybe if I have the ulcerative colitis under better control, that will be less of a problem. Been juicing leaves for a few weeks consistently since last attempt, so hoping for better luck this time. 

Carrots

Harvested carrots this weekend. Got about 15 lbs of them. Plus lots of seeds. I mean lots of seeds. I'm going to donate some of the seeds to a charity called "Plant a row for the Hungry". Daughter loves the carrots right after they're harvested.

We also had tomatoes and grapes from the garden. 

Tomorrow I need to pull weeds, move black plastic over the rows I cleared today and do fall planting.

My cannabis plants are a really good size now. Not going to bother planting any more. The ones I have are enough. The largest is now 8 ft tall. Getting plenty of leaves from them. 

As far as buds, I checked typical harvest and found just the largest plant is likely to produce from 1-3 lbs. Yeah, that will last me a while. I currently use an average of 1 gram per 7-10 days. There are 30 grams to an ounce. So I use less than 2 grams a year. At that rate 1 lb would last me as long as 8 years, properly sealed with as little air as possible. With all the plants, I may wind up with as much as 5 lbs. That is a LOT more than I am allowed legally but I'm not planning to sell it. Or let people know about it that live locally. (Nobody reads my blog, so that's no real concern.) Eh, while I hate it I will have to dispose of most of it somehow. I'm still more concerned with leaves. I had thought of experimenting with edible forms but I tried a brownie and didn't really like it so much. Maybe I will still try. The brownie was one I bought, not one I made. If that doesn't come out well, then dispose of a lot of it. 

A bonfire would not be a good idea in this case. I'd make the entire neighborhood stoned. Make most people happy but may piss some other people off. Though it could be interesting if I did it while the church next door was having services...

I am now seeing very good results from juicing leaves. I started mixing the juice with water, lemon juice, sugar and arrow root. I think I may actually achieve remission very soon at this rate! For that, I may grow more next year but not all the way to harvest. 

The apple tree has so many apples and of enough size that we can see them from the back door. Looking forward to finally having an apple harvest from our own tree!