Rethinking Polyamory

Most of my life I have been happiest in monogamous relationships. Or, at least I talked myself into that mindset. The literal truth is that monogamy has not served me well at all. 

So, lately I have been rethinking polyamory. Not to be confused with polygamy or swinging. Those are different. 

Polyamory is where a person is either single or in an open relationship where one or more partners can have other long term intimate partners with an emotional connection to each partner. Usually these are limited in scope and each primary or tertiary partner agrees to keep the arrangement limited. 

This seems like something which would serve me much better than monogamy. I've been in relationships with too many emotionally unstable partners that ultimately left me feeling more alone than when I have been single and unattached. At least if I am unattached, I have no expectations and so cannot be disappointed. 

This would be better than remaining in damaging relationships for far too long as I have done in the past. If one partner is busy or intentionally disappoints me, I am not left alone. If one partner leaves, it does not leave me emotionally devastated with nobody to share my feelings with. 

It is not a question that I have the capacity to love more than one person. 

Considering most of my past relationships have also made me feel incomplete in some way because I always felt they could only relate to me in limited ways, seeing as my personality apparently is more complex than most. So, having more than one partner would at least allow me to feel more complete in the relationships. 

Of course, infectious disease is a concern. I plan on using protection, at least until all partners are tested, including myself. 

So, this is the course I am going to follow, or at least try to follow. 

Feeling better

The past week or so has been really rough emotionally. 

I think no small part of it is because I fell into a damaging cycle. I started drinking too much and had little or no appetite. So, for a number of days the majority of my caloric intake was actually from alcohol. Which, being mostly carbs, means I fell into a cycle of hypoglycemia, which has drastic emotional effects. 

In addition, I was not taking my supplements as I should. I did take medications but know I forgot supplements a few times. So, my iron my well have been low, leaving me prone to anemia.

Got a reply from the woman I mentioned. I have come to the absolute conclusion I dodged a bullet on this. She is emotionally and possibly psychologically unstable, irresponsible and immature. So, I am much better off with her not wanting to remain friends or maintain contact. No telling how that would wind up. 

Since getting my diet back to somewhat normal and reducing drinking, I am feeling much better. Regained my own emotional balance. In fact, being released from all emotional commitments has made me feel far more balanced than I have for some while. I have no more internal conflicts going on about whether I am cheating, being disloyal or unfair. 

My gf has been saying she misses me and is depressed. That does make me feel bad but at the same time, I don't see any difference. She was always depressed any way. It did not start with the pandemic and kept getting worse, along with her distance and seeming apathy toward my feelings. 

The gathering I had considered for tonight was cancelled. Not enough responses. I'll try again for next Wed. I'll still have it even if only guys show up. Least it would be someone to talk to that I can relate to at some level, assuming any are Dom or Sub. 

Instead, tonight I picked up an extra shift. Signed up for next Tue night, also. Staffing is seriously short and the extra money will be a benefit in the long term. Not like I have anything else to do. 

I think for the next schedule I am going to schedule myself off on Thur and Fri nights. Maybe, just maybe that will give me some chance at having a social life. I'm not sure. I still hate being in crowds and there's no place for karaoke here. Nah, I'll hold off on that. If I meet someone that I am interested in enough and things seem stable enough to try, I can change my schedule later. 

This is what I need most of all. Stability, consistency, loyalty. Those things indicate caring. After that come affection and intimacy. Things I lacked with my gf. Thought were possible with the other one. I've really concluded that people in AL are especially unreliable and unstable. It's in the culture. They consider it normal and expected. So, if I meet anyone with those values, they are most likely to be from out of state. 

New Change of Direction

Well, since my social life has been so pathetic, as has my romantic life for so long, I have decided to make a change. 

I know the woman I sent the apology to is not going to respond. I have no delusions. It is entirely possible I dodged a bullet on that one. Maybe I was falling into what would have been another harmful and toxic relationship. Better it ended when it did. 

Yes, I could be wrong about that as well. Maybe she thinks the same about me. Never know since we did not have the time to know each other better. 

Any way, the BDSM community here has not been having any kind of gatherings or alternatives since this entire virus thing began. The way I feel about it now is that most precautions are fairly useless. It's far too late. Especially with things opening back up and so many using no precautions at all, people will contract it or not. 

People are getting antsy. Including me. So, I am going to try setting up a BDSM discussion/social group at my house, maybe on a weekly basis. I will start this week. 

I am still the same, I want a monogamous relationship. These meetings will not be swingers parties. It's fine if people make arrangements for their own hookups outside my house but I'm not interested in having a bunch of strangers having sex in my house and having to clean up afterward. I am not going to be looking for any polyamorous arrangements for myself, either. Though it could be  possibility I could meet someone compatible at such meetings or through a social contact made at one of these meetings. If not, at least it gives me a chance for a social life and make some friends.

One problem with the meetings that have taken place here are that they have been in public spaces. A sandwich place. I feel like that limits conversation and suppresses expression. Nobody can drink, smoke, toke or truly relax. Graphic discussion must be kept quiet as to not offend other customers, since it is a family place. (I tend to wonder if the ones arranging the meetings are the franchise owners.) 

So, if I hold the meetings at my house, I can make them BYOB, adult only. People can smoke on the deck, drink as they please, etc. If someone is exhibitionistic, they can feel free to disrobe. 

My screen name on Fetlife is montgomerymaster. So, maybe it's time I live up to that screen name. 

Ending Two relationships In 3 Days

In the past 3 days, I ended 2 relationships.

First, I will start with the gf I have had for over 2 years. I've mentioned many times the problems we had, how everything was always about her. I have not even seen her since early Feb. Then, over the last few months, our correspondence became less and less and more and more sporadic, unreliable. If I sent her a message, I would not receive a reply for several hours. She claimed she was sleeping on and off. Did not matter if it was morning or evening. Yet she claimed to not be sleeping at night, until right about the time I would be getting home from work. Though on my nights off, she would be going to bed at around 10 PM. 

When we did talk (text), it would basically always be about illness, animals or depression/depressive subjects, which she makes a habit of intentionally seeking out and fixating on. 

This morning it finally became too much. I've known the relationship would never go further, especially in any direction I wanted it to go. I was never manipulative and had said from the beginning how I wanted it to go, yet it never happened. 

This morning, she texted and told me she had been watching videos of police abusing civilians for several hours and got so upset she had not slept all night. Of course, she fell asleep right after telling me this. I finally told her I'd had enough. I will remain her friend but anything more than that was over. 

She finally had an actual discussion with me this evening. Mostly feeling sorry for herself and acting like I had said I would end all communication with her, which I had made clear was not what I was saying. However, I never changed my mind. 

The other relationship was with a woman I had started seeing only a few short weeks ago. It had been platonic, though we discussed going beyond that and she said she was excited. I gave her many chances to change her mind. Even so, I loved her company, just talking with her, her presence. One of the last times I saw her in person, I mentioned the difficulties with our different schedules. She said we would work through any problems together. That statement made me feel good. It all seemed like we agreed on moving forward with a monogamous and stable relationship. So I thought. 

On Thur, I asked if she wanted to come over for lunch from her work. She could not leave work that day, so I asked if she wanted me to bring her something. She declined. 

On Fri, just after noon, she texted and asked if I was ghosting her. No good morning, no prior text, nothing. I had slept late that morning because my sleep schedule has been really messed up lately. I explained I had just awakened. The next thing she says that she thinks she is going to stop dating for a while. Translation: She no longer wanted to see me. She claimed she doesn't have time. 

I was nice at first, said she could contact me if or when she decided to change her mind. However, after some thought, I changed my mind. I said don't contact me again because people who treat you as disposable will continue doing so. I also emailed her and said I did not believe the reasons she gave, that I believed she wanted to see other men or gotten back with her ex. Though I told her that even if that had been the case, she could have discussed it with me and we could have remained friends. I also said that telling me by text was not right. She should have told me in person, by phone or even a longer email explaining her feelings and rationale. Some form of actual communication. 

What I did not say is that she gave me the impression that both of her sons are now out of town and she sent me this message the exact day her second son was going out of town. I had not seen her or texted too much the previous two days because she said she wanted to spend time with him before he left. So, with both sons gone, she actually has MORE time free. It was not like I would try and monopolize every minute of her time. 

She blocked me electronically. Finally, on Sun morning, I tried writing an apology through email. Then by text. No response from either, so I suspect she had blocked them. 

Ultimately, I looked up her street address. I wrote the apology and mailed it snail mail. I also ordered flowers to be delivered to her house. 

In the letter, I said I would like to remain platonic friends with her. I do love her company. I do mean the platonic part because to go beyond that would mean assuming a level of trust which has now been damaged. I miss talking, visiting and texting with her. I had really felt close to her. Too close, too fast. I know better. 

So, maybe she will respond, maybe she won't. I hope she does but I expect the letter to be returned unopened. That will be the last attempt I make at contacting her. No matter what, I did not feel right ending on such a bad note. If nothing else, extending the apology and making the effort makes me feel a little better for things I said. Those words were said because I was hurt, angry and very confused. Not at all sure how things had changed so drastically and quickly. It's the worst I have acted to anyone in decades and even then there was more basis to it the last time I did. Well, any time I did. 

Even if she does not reply, I hope she at least reads the apology. 

Bouncing back

I am bouncing back from that emotional crash. It didn't last long.

Been seeing the same woman a couple of times. The more I see her, the more I like her. Rather hoping it leads somewhere but the usual problem exists. My schedule. 

Got the new computer rebuilt and it's much, much faster than the old one. From start to login screen is around 10 seconds, maybe less. One problem I have to look into is that it is supposed to be 1 TB and seems to only have a capacity of around 400GB. I'll check with Western Digital about that.

The video and audio are good, even with the old video card. That card is 2 GB but is about 8 years old. I'm impressed it's still working. Also happy that I was still able to install a driver for it. 

However, I can hear the fan grinding slightly. So, I went ahead and ordered another video card. a 4GB card, name brand this time. 

The video capture program I used displays the percentage of the CPU being used and doing a video it now shows around 20%, where it used to be close to 90%. Increasing the capacity of the GPU will reduce the drag on the CPU even more. 

I did my first test video and posted it today, after moving all the computer equipment into the other room. The video quality came out really good, the audio quality was great. I do need to play around with the arrangement a bit. I may need to go ahead and get some curtains for that room for better lighting control. Video still appears a bit grainy, which seems to be associated with lighting. Or maybe I need to play with the program settings more. Or both. 

I still have a lot of background work to do as far as transferring data from one system or drive to another, rearranging storage, getting the website together and so forth. However, I have gotten back to where I can produce videos again and focus on issues. 

A lot has been going on recently and I have fallen behind. Not that I always mind that too much. Sometimes it's a benefit to sit back and listen, gather more information and then come to a more informed conclusion. 

No matter what, I am happy with the appearance of the house and the office setup. 

Emotional crash

For a day or two this week, I suffered a severe emotional crash. It was the absolute worst last night. I did not feel like being at work, yet did not feel like being anywhere else, either. I mean ANYWHERE else.

I had no thoughts of harming myself but saw nothing immediately worthwhile. Nearly the only thing my mind could grasp to hold onto was the thought that I did not want to hurt my daughter. Though my only thing to look forward to in the short term was rebuilding the computer. Lame but it was something. 

Most of all, it was loneliness that crashed in on me. So many people in AL are flakes whom you cannot rely on emotionally. Plus my own history of successive relationships where I was the one who cared for the woman I was with but it seemed (and was later proven) that I dd not matter at all. 

I've been talking to one woman online that came over to talk one night. I like her a lot and get very positive intuition around her. She's considerably younger than I am but feel like there is an attraction between us. Though my emotions still took a dark turn and I questioned whether there was anything really there on her side for me. Then, late in the night I had to drive from one camp to another. I checked my phone and found she had texted me around 3:30 in the morning. Which meant she woke up during the night and thought about me. 

I don't want to turn this into something more than it might be. However, at that moment, it meant more to me than I can express. I texted back and told her I was having a bad night but her message made it much, much better. 

There is no question I need some kind of emotional connection closer than I have had for so very, very long. Obviously, I had believed I had something like that for a while but was badly disappointed and hurt. 

Trust still doesn't come very easily for me. The fear of abandonment is still with me and probably always will be. 

It's possible I could revert to an emotional state to accept being alone, though it would not be easy. It's closing off a part of myself which is difficult to close off. 

Obviously, I don't know where anything at all is going but I do hope that things move forward and closer with this woman. Even if only as platonic friends, though I truly hope for more than that with her. 

For now, just let things go at their own pace in life. Except for the computer and the YT channel. After I get off work tonight, I have 3 nights off to work on that and a few other tasks. I have managed to get the house and yard in better condition. I need to keep that trend going. 

Strategic Withdrawal

Decided this morning it was simply best to give up the effort of rebuilding the old computer. I went ahead and spent the money for what will be a new system. A rebuild but fairly stripped down core system. Then add the memory from the existing system, which is compatible. Ordered 16 GB more memory, bringing the total to 32 GB of RAM. The new system has a 1 TB HDD, to which I am also ordering a 1 TB SSD for speed. Then I ordered a USB dock, from which I can copy files over to the main system. The old computer has a 2 TB HDD and the Dell has a 1 TB HDD. Once I properly configure everything, I can use the 2 TB HDD for storage. The new system has a 300 watt power supply, which I will switch out for the 700 watt power supply. Then I have the 4 GB video card to install. 

I can also use the dock to see if I can recover any data from old drives I still have in storage boxes at some point. 

The computer shipped the same day I ordered is, so should be here in a few days, since it's just coming from FL. Other parts will be here Sunday. The SSD isn't expected here until next Friday. I can start off by using the native drive, then clone it to the SSD when it get's here. 

Aside from that, I have changed up my coming work schedule to work on Sat nights for the time being. Since I can't see my daughter, I may as well. Going to go ahead and work 5 nights a week for the time being. Not like I have much else to do. 

For now, I am emotionally isolating myself. I don't see any social interactions going anywhere. Not much else I can do. Gym is still closed, can't go the bars, no meetings happening, no point in traveling. 

Maybe I'm getting sick or my down cycle is really hitting my emotions. In any case, I'm really tired of battling all the extremists on every side while remaining in forced solitude. 

Going to try and save up some money. Replacing what I spent on the computer equipment only comes to 1-2 nights of work. Plus I reduced monthly expenses considerably by paying off the last of my bills. 

I just have to find something to fill my time. Not like I have a garden to work on any more. No solar projects. Major wood working projects would be useless, since I'd have to move them eventually because I do not want to keep renting forever. 

Obviously, I am really lonely. Wish I had some companionship but that appears to be out of the question for now. The right companionship is difficult enough to come across in AL. So I better learn to deal with it. 

Rebuilding

A couple of days ago I finally rebuilt the old computer. Haven't booted it up yet. To do so means I have to use the monitor, mouse, keyboard, etc from the current computer. 

I also have to transfer a lot of files from the current computer to the old one, download various programs and install them, install who knows how many updates... It's going to be a long process. 

I am crossing my fingers that the processor works. I know the motherboard went out but don't know if it took the processor with it. If I have to replace that, I think I'll get a second hand processor. Basically it has to be, since the slot type is outdated for newer processors. 

If it all works as hoped, I will have a new motherboard, new power supply, 4GB video card, 16 GB RAM which I plan on upgrading to 32 and a 6 core processor. All of that should work for the video processing. 

I had technical issues because I thought I had the wrong power supply. Turns out two cables can be split, one for the CPU and one for the video card. Never seen that before. Then again, I usually use a full ATX board and this one is a mini ATX. Has all I need on it, just smaller. 

I met a woman a few days ago that I like a lot. She seems to like me as well, so I am having some hopes. Very attractive and intelligent. She is a capitalist. Chances are we may have some strong debates on that subject but I think I am likely to change her mind over time. Have to wait and see how it goes. Right now she is isolating because a coworker recently came up positive for the virus. 

Final payoff

After all these years, I have still been paying on one of my student loans. Problem is, so much has gone to interest and fees that, like many student loan debtors, it seems like it will never be paid off. 

Over time, especially the past year or so, I have paid ahead and brought the balance down considerably. Now, I am at a point where I received some extra money this month on top of reducing expenses, which has allowed my savings to grow somewhat. 

With these things in mind, I decided to take the leap. I scheduled the entire account balance to be paid off tomorrow. That will take a bit out of my savings, which makes me a little nervous in current economic conditions. However, in the long term I expect it to improve my credit rating and will leave me with extra money which can be saved. 

Since I paid off the car payment 2 years early and now paying this off, my only credit card is a secured card with a collateral account balance. This means I will finally have no outstanding debts at all except for my regular monthly expenses. 

That means it will be much easier to save money in the long term and can devote more funds to expanding exposure of my content production. If that works out, over time I will be able to reduce my nursing hours gradually to spend more time on content production. 

I have concepts regarding that which I just don't have the time for right now, such as collaborations with other Progressive people and outlets for specific projects. 

My writing and videos are slowly gaining more attention and subscribers. I'm happy for that. Means the ideas I propose are spreading. It would be nice to make a lot of money from this effort but the main goal really is spreading awareness, getting people to think, to question, to engage peacefully to enact positive change. 

Here comes the heat

I had been telling people for some time that once this virus gets into the prison, it will spread uncontrolled through 3000 inmates, security and medical staff. Our odds of contracting it, symptoms or no symptoms, are 100%. 

Well, here it is. Two officers that work one dorm came up positive. That dorm is on "quarantine". Which, for AL means they eat at the same time and in the same mess hall as the inmates from other dorms and are released out in the yard at the same time as other dorms. But they have to wear masks. Because prison inmates are know to be compliant and have such great hygiene. Yeah, I'm sure they're all washing their hands.

Really miss seeing my daughter. I know she is frustrated being stuck at home so much. Not much I can do about it. Bought a book and gave her some money this week. Just to let her know I am thinking about her. We text once in a while through the week. 

I called my doc to ask for a refill and increased dosage of Prozac and a muscle relaxer. I didn't get a call back. So I will be out of Prozac. 

Finally got out and cut the front yard. Sure the neighbors will be happy. I still need to blow leaves once they are dry enough. Get the back yard sometime this coming week at my leisure. 

Got parts to do rear brakes today. In total, I've spent around $400-$450 on the car in a few weeks. Though once I am done I will have new brakes, new struts, new plugs, tightened or new belts, AC recharge and an oil change. Sure could not get that much for that price without doing it myself. 

I got a grow tent. A really large one. I am trying to grow plants for myself. Have enough room for quite a few. Ordered some better grow lights and a fan for it, also. The fan arrived. For now, the lights I had aren't doing badly with the reflective interior material. Took six cuttings from a female plant and they all seem to be surviving. So by now I think they should have roots. From those I can later take more cuttings and expand the number of plants. Indoor grows have pathetic output from what I've seen so far. So keeping a rotation going is my best bet. 

Obviously, not planning on selling anything. Can always reduce plants if I get a decent stock. Keep 1 or 2 in vegetative state, which allows them to grow stronger. I need to do that in the rotation, any way. They make for stronger clones. Don't have anything right now but vegetation. Bummer.

I was expecting to have company for dinner tonight. Didn't work out. She slept all day and went back to sleep. Seems like that's what all the women I know here do. And interrupt me. 

I am actively trying to find a live-in submissive. I'm not in a hurry. Definitely going to get to know them first. Worst that can happen is I get laid. 

Isolation

For a few weeks now, the US has been implementing isolation procedures, social distancing and so forth. Bars and gyms are closed. Schools are closed. I can't see my daughter because of the risk posed by the corona virus to her, with a history of asthma and the apprehension of her mother and stepfather. 

Her mother denies either she or her husband have any health issues but I am very questioning of that. Not going to say anything. It would be pointless, rude and invasive. Only reason I may do so would be if I was offering medical advice to be helpful. Unless thay ask at some point, I won't intrude.

I miss having time with my daughter. Not worth the risk to her to see her. I'm glad she is healthy but bored having to stay home all the time. She's doing home schooling again. Glad there is something to break the monotony.

Also have not seen my gf since early Feb, around Valentine's Day. Been celibate since January. She has been sick with some respiratory infection for at least 6 weeks and I cannot see her because of the virus as well. Too risky for her.

Though she has been weakly responsive online as well. Even when I know she's awake, I can send a message and don't get a response for long periods, often hours. Not like it matters. It should be obvious I have established my own emotional distance from her. I just got tired of always being a nurse, caregiver and therapist. 

I've written many times about the decreasing intimacy and affection for a very long time prior to the virus coming along. Being celibate since January was not much of a change. Being alone all the time is not much of a change. 

I am going to say I am considering seeking a live-in submissive. It would take a lot of talking to be sure we were emotionally compatible. Some of this may sound bad, like I am taking advantage of current economic conditions. I'll admit it would be true to an extent. Lots of people are in increasingly dire straits. Meanwhile a lot of relationships are breaking up as they have more close conatct with each other. I may as well see what is possible in these conditions. Not looking to impose anything on anyone which they object to. It could be an improvement in conditions for both of us. Obviously not going to seek out or take in anyone with whom it would obviously result in conflict. No drug addicts, thieves or alcoholics. Nobody with violent tendencies. It could help us both because I would benefit from having help with the housework and so forth, in addition to social/emotional needs. 

It's worth a try. I'm sick of being alone and emotionally abandoned, isolated. Tired of feeling like a convenience easily ignored. I need more, deserve more. 

I have increased production of videos and have been doing more videos than writing lately but doing a bit of both. 

Had problems with my web host. I am going to move the web site to a new host. The only resolution this one offered was a plan which cost over $30 a month, as opposed to less than $60 a year. My site does not take up that much space and paying that much makes no sense at this point. I'd be paying out a LOT more than I bring in from content. 

Potential submissive

I put out an ad seeking a younger submissive. Got a response I expected to be a prank or scam. However, the conversation has continued for a couple of days and it seems to be legitimate. 

Not going to go into details but I had to look up legality on some points. It all checks out. 

This one is considerably younger than I am. Seeking a Dom rather than taking a chance with someone potentially abusive. So she seems to understand the subject well enough to know the difference. 

One good thing is that she has time available in the mornings. Definitely inexperienced, so training would be from the ground up. That's an idea that excites me quite a bit. 

New nurse starting on the night shift at work. Very attractive. Within 2 minutes of meeting me, she complimented me on my looks. That was a pleasant surprise. Not sure it means anything but I'll take it nevertheless. 

A few days ago, I posted, "They say what you are doing on NY is what you'll be doing all year. Guess that means I will be sitting alone and celibate all year." GF said that hurt. Apparently it did not hurt all that much because nothing has changed. 

Did not see her at all for three weeks. Saw her Fri and she was still talking about her daughter's marriage. As of now I have been celibate for 5 weeks. Think it's time to call this platonic.