Lonely by nature

I have a long history of being lonely by nature. Maybe a result of the fear of abandonment or along with it. No matter what, it has led to me making decisions in my life which were better not made or not allowed to continue as long as I let them go on. I've forgiven many things in my life which I maybe should not have. 

None of that is claiming complete innocence on my part. I've done things I regret, though I can say it was never with the intent to harm or hurt. I did make things worse at times by being dishonest with the desire to not cause pain. Ironically, the dishonesty was the worst offense in most of those cases. 

Any way, I have spent years alone trying to purge myself of that lonely nature but seems like that effort failed. The one thing I have taught myself is to place more value on my own emotions. 

For an extraordinary part of my life, I have put myself aside for the sake of others. From taking over the house at 9 years old, even before that not playing with my friends because I had to watch over my younger brother. I rarely spoke out or held a grudge. Started working at 12 to help buy food and pay bills while even my brothers were playing. Dropped out of school and took care of my mother when she was sick. (Full disclosure, I hated school because of the politics, violence and being ahead of my classmates.) Then through multiple relationships where my I worked multiple jobs or a lot of overtime while my partners sat on their asses too much and spent too much money. Only to be considered "not enough" by them, accused of things I was usually innocent of (or did not warrant the level of animosity), emotionally and physically attacked. On up to nursing and being a father. Even my writing generally focuses more on others than myself. All of these are means of placing others before myself.

Then into my current relationship. I can clearly state that I still love her very much and likely always will. However, I have spent untold hours and days alone. Altered my sleep schedule, lost many, many hours of sleep. Gave up on the gym months ago. Counted on her being there and wound up by myself for various reasons. Been celibate for weeks at a time. Not gotten what I want in bed. Been affectionate while her return affection stopped many months ago. Been months since she laid her head on my shoulder after intimacy. Maybe as long as a year, maybe longer. Instead, she picks up the cell phone. I've massaged her when she hurt many times, while having that returned only once. Most of all, the frequency with which she interrupts me when speaking has increased more and more over time until it just appears what I have to say doesn't matter at all. I listen over 90% of the time and can speak only on things which don't have to do with my feelings unless they pertain to her. 

Still, I'm not holding a grudge. Not angry. Just lonely and hurt. 

When this has been a repeated pattern in my life, I cannot fault others. If I am so willing to put myself aside as much as I have, it's my own fault. If I set such a standard, then others are just following those standards. Only I can change it.

So I must. Been wanting to have this discussion with my gf for a week or more. To tell her I am going to start seeing other women. Not a rejection of her. Just that I need to think about myself, since it seems nobody else is going to think of me. We had this discussion a few months ago and obviously it wasn't taken seriously. It changed for maybe two weeks and then went back to the same thing and advanced from there until I have felt like my entire being has shrunken to near non-existence. I'm just "someone there". I could be a mannequin. 

I'll give her the option whether she wants to still see me romantically or not. I still will be her friend no matter the decision, if she wants to remain friends. I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me. The one thing I will not do is change my mind at this point. 

Whether I see other women or not doesn't matter. I may spend more time alone for my writing, the gym, putting the house in order, woodworking, whatever. I just need to think about myself more with the intention of doing so. Not as a secondary decision when I wind up alone unexpectedly. No matter what, the potential is there for something better. Or maybe she will take what I have to say more seriously and things can change in the future. Once I become convinced. Not until. 

So, that discussion needs to happen later this morning. I've wanted to voice these things for a while but not in a rush, not while I was so tired I could barely think straight. I do not want to be mean or make it seem like a string of accusations. It's not meant that way. I believe she loves me but maybe not in the way she thinks she does. 

I hate the idea of hurting her but it's obvious this will not change. 

Even good stress is stress

Getting ready to move this week. Have to get some packing done today. Unfortunately my stomach is giving me hell. Have to push past it.

At work, I will be the charge nurse tonight. Nothing special about that. Each nurse on my shift has been the charge at some point. I'd rather be doing one of the camps because it means more movement. Oh, well.

I have all the services scheduled to be started at the new address. Internet, electricity, water, gas, mail. 

Truck reserved for Thur, same day I sign the lease and get the keys. 

Ordered a new sofa I wanted to be delivered. Most I've ever spent on a sofa but faux leather and two built in recliners. I was debating getting a matching loveseat, also with two recliners but decided to wait on spending the money. Plus I want to assess how well constructed the sofa is first. In any case, that gives me more furniture so the second living area won't be bare. 

I think I will refinish the top on my desk or make a whole new top after I get the wood shop set up. 

Hoping I can get the truck loaded with major items on Thur. Maybe even get them moved the same day. If not, early Fri morning. Truck is scheduled to be returned by 10 AM Fri. 

I need to get a battery for the van. Once the major items are all moved, I can get any remaining items with the van. Have to move the van, any way. Best bet for that will be taking an Uber from the house and driving the van. 

Oops! Have to restart insurance on the van for this month to do that. Not taking chances if I don't have to. 

Looks like I may have faster internet at the new place. For an extra $5 a month but up to 4x faster. 

Daughter seems to be looking forward to the move. Or at least not voicing any negative feelings. 

GF came over on Fri. Some things have been slightly better than a while. Though she is still interrupting, paying more attention to her phone than me when nothing intimate is happening. I know she likes to share her interests with me and talk about her life. Though I'm part of her life and still seem to have a low level of concern. 

Been talking with another woman. She is also intelligent, attractive and submissive. There is an attraction there. Nothing has occurred but talking. Think we make good friends, no matter what. Neither of us are the cheating type, so nothing physical is likely. 

So, all the above is positive yet stressful. I'm looking forward to the move and any other changes happening. However they play out I'll make the best of them. 

Not sure

I'm not all that sure what my body or emotions are doing right now.

Really irritable. Physical sensations are heightened to the tolerance of what I can bear. Just the sounds in a mostly quiet room put my nerves on edge. Things I should be able to ignore but can't. 

I have a feeling I may be swinging into a manic state but could just as well be sinking into a deeper depressive state, which has never gone away since I last wrote about it. 

I know I feel lonely. Yet annoyed by people at work. Then again, they all seem to be attention seeking in a passive-aggressive way. Walking around being overly inquisitive about the actions of others. As usual, few can hold a lucid conversation about anything more complex than food. 

I still think my gf is reading this blog at times. She started wanting to see me in the morning some days. Though that is still unreliable. Times change, days change. Her cell phone still has more attention than I do. I'm still rarely anything but a nurse and caregiver. 

She had a spinal block yesterday. Supposed to help her pain but she has complained of more pain since it was done. Not sure when I will see her. 

I have also had poor mental focus for a few days. Guess that's been true for a few weeks but now it's worse. Not going to finish the book any time soon. Slowed down on my regular writing.

With the heightened physical sensations, sex would be great right now. Oh, well. 

If I am heading into a manic state, it comes with good timing. Going to move next week. Got the house I wanted to rent. Much larger than the apartment and has a workshop and storage shed plus a covered deck. All appliances including washer and dryer. 

Being manic will also help with my writing, once it stabilizes.