Down again

So, the date was okay but in all, no chemistry. Not sure if that would change if we tried again but I don't have the time in my schedule. She was tired and I didn't feel well, though didn't say so. Wound up with diarrhea that night and the next morning. Explained why I felt shaky even before eating. Thought maybe my blood sugar was low until I drank a soda but that and food didn't change it. Not sure what that was. 

Honestly, we're too different. 

Yet I am down. Not from that but it didn't help. I'm just tired of not really having anyone to rely on but myself. No affection. I tend to focus more on sex when everything else is lacking and I know it. I think that's not too uncommon. 

GF came by yesterday to drop off things she took out of storage because of conflict with her husband, so they're not paying for the storage. I offered to let her keep her stuff here. I have room, it's no problem. However, almost the first thing she did when she got here was ask me to take her blood pressure. It was fine. That would not have bothered me except I already feel like a nurse/caregiver more than a partner and lover. 

Nobody I can talk to about my feelings. I go to work and listen to the charge nurse talk. I get ignored. Can't talk to my daughter about it. Can't find any friends I have anything in common with. It's Alabama. 

Oh, well. Been getting my energy back. I was emptying out boxes, hanging pictures and such before gf came by. Now the room where the boxes were is more cluttered than before. I'll have to keep working on it. 

Got the new microphone arm and video camera. The arm is great. The camera has such a data rate that I need a higher end video card for it to use it as a web cam. I may try using it by itself, upload the video and edit from there. Not sure how good the sound is because playing back on camera it sounded very muted but that may be because the speaker sucks. Have to record and download to computer to get an accurate idea. If the sound really does suck I may have to record audio on computer and edit that in. Or return the camera for another one. 

And here come the holidays. yay.

Interesting trend

My gf came over this morning. It was a good morning, though at one point we had been kissing when she started talking about her dogs. I just backed away and let her talk. After some minutes she realized I was not going to make any forward moves, so she did. 

So, the interesting trend. The woman I have a date with on Fri night has a heart cath today. Seems each woman I start seeing has to have a heart cath right around the time I start seeing them. Some strange karma, with all the years I spent in cardiac nursing? 

Any way, that means Fri will definitely be a platonic situation. I'm fine with that. Little bit of a bummer, to have the option removed rather than by choice. Not like I'm going to cancel, though possible she may because she may still have pain at that time. 

Over the next few days I'm going to get the YouTube channel up and running again. I need to adjust lighting, create a new digital backdrop to use with the green screen, make an intro thumbnail. Need to make a test video to check how all of it comes together. 

I also need to clean house, cut grass in the back yard and start decorating for Halloween. 

Making changes

So, the narcissist at work is gone. Two days after starting on anxiety medication, he and I had a confrontation which he started and resulted in his forced departure. During all of this, he truly displayed exactly how unstable and far over the edge he really is. It's really funny, all I had to do was point one finger at him from a distance and say, "You don't tell me what to do. You're not my supervisor." (He was not my supervisor.) I barely raised my voice at all. Numerous witnesses. Later, he claimed that I made him fear for his life. 

Damn, I need to use that finger more often!

The environment at work has slowly calmed down again. Took a few days for people to work through the tension. 

I am moving ahead with getting my YouTube channel back online. I got a new microphone, which looks better and more professional, whether it sounds better or not. I think it's about the same because the old one was good, just looked less impressive. I also bough a studio lighting set which came with 3 backdrops- white, black and green screen. Been playing around a little to learn how to use the green screen to insert the backgrounds I like. Going to design a few just for the purpose. It can come in handy for Christmas pictures, also.

I am working on getting some advertisers on the channel and website. Not really sponsors but affiliate programs. They will all fit in with the content that I produce. 

This Friday, I am off work, daughter staying at her mother's because she has a craft show she is selling her handmade plastic flowers at. They're very impressive and i think she will be able to sell some of them. 

So, that night I have a date. Not with my gf. With the woman I mentioned previously. She sounds interesting and she has been progressing in her sensual suggestions. Even said she is leaving work early that day and she will come down here to Montgomery. Obviously, there are no guarantees but if it works out right she may be staying the night. Imagine that. Actually being able to spend the night with someone. When we talk, I can get a word in here and there too. I have made it clear I am not seeking anything serious and she's okay with that. If it results in nothing but a friend I can literally talk with in two way conversation, I'm fine with that.

For so long, in spite of anything I have written, I have felt guilty for even thinking about such things. That's why I have not acted on any of it. Not feeling much guilt any more. I'm tired of being less important than dogs and spiders. 

Anxiety medication

Yesterday I went to a new doctor and, for the first time in my life, requested medication specifically for anxiety. He started me on Buspar. Only had one dose so far, so it remains to be seen how well it will work for me.

My anxiety had gotten bad enough that my writing slowed to a trickle. I am just having a really hard time fighting back against the people who are blind and apathetic to the murderous policies of the US against other countries, placing us at risk of war with other nuclear powers. Long as those voters think they may get universal healthcare, they are fine with the decimation of countries, slaughter of children and risk of war which would annihilate everything on the planet. 

To add to it, there is a nurse on the night shift who is a textbook narcissist and the most obnoxious, incompetent person I have ever met in my life. For the first time ever, I called in sick to work on Fri night to avoid working with one person. They had me scheduled to work with him in the ER. I could not do it. I have been keeping my distance from him, knowing that eventually a confrontation is coming. He has already had confrontations with others but I won't back down like they do. I'll have to be smart about it, control myself enough to force him to confront me with witnesses present. However, he has already gained a reputation. I will not instigate anything, just bide my time. He actually said he thinks I am intimidated by him. Meanwhile any confrontation with other people he has made certain happens out of my earshot. So there's no question who is intimidated. 

I'm still going weeks at a time celibate, barely heard, more of a caregiver than partner and lover. Since I said I am having a massive problem with anxiety, I have seen her less in the last 2-3 weeks than I had for months. Leaves me feeling alone. Truly alone. 

The other day, I started talking to another woman online. She is beautiful, sexy, intelligent.. and submissive. Down sides- My own emotional conflict, of course. She lives out of town but travels here on occasion. She appears at some level to be either vain or insecure. She's nice, so I am guessing the latter but could be wrong. And she is a capitalist. Not sure that one can be overcome but maybe I can radicalize her. If nothing else, at least it seems like I have made another friend. I have not delved into deep subjects much with her yet. I am going to keep talking with her and see what the future brings.