Still in a depressive cycle. This one is getting bad at times. Worst part is feeling like things are useless.
That's not me. I keep fighting. It's my nature.
On the up side, called a few minutes ago and I will orient to another facility Thur morning. That will increase my income stability. GF may not like it that it will be at a women's prison but she will have to deal with it. That comes down to whether she trusts me or not.
Where gf is concerned, I know she has been sick a lot lately. However, it's not like I am present when she is. That leaves me feeling alone and lonely. Everything I go through, illness, pain, anxiety, depression, I go through alone. There is no place I can truly turn. Affection tends to be by text. Promises go unfulfilled.
But to be honest, this is nothing new. That has been true at some level with EVERY relationship I have had in my life. At least in this case she does not try and insult me for having my own emotions. She accepts them. However, hers take precedence. Always. Especially depression or anxiety. If I express those, hers are worse. It becomes a competition. To which I concede because I'm just used to going through those things on my own. Guess it's just my karma.
That doesn't make it easy but at least I am strong enough to handle those things on my own. But if I am to be alone emotionally, what is the point? To forever be there for the other person?
If that is going to be the case, this is where I have ultimately defined past behavior. If I get nothing else out of it, then sensually I will seek out someone who at least gives me pleasure in that respect. If she is not going to be submissive, I may start seeking someone that is submissive sexually. Not doing so as yet but I may.
Learned there are a couple of bars in town that are open 24/7. They probably don't sell alcohol all hours but they are open. So I can go after work in the mornings. If nothing else, maybe some social contact? Someone to talk to once in a while? That would help. Feeling isolated is the worst part. Sex is not what I want, really. It just tends to be what is available. Not counting on much intellectual conversation. Not much interested in drinking, either. I may have one beer and then switch to soda if I get into a conversation with someone with half a brain once in a while.
Even many of my friends online are migrating toward "Blew No Matter Who". Meaning voting for corporate Demoncraps to fight Repugnicans. Both parties are nothing but corporate whores who fight against the people and in favor of war. So I am dumping them. They know better. Educating them does no good.
That's not me. I keep fighting. It's my nature.
On the up side, called a few minutes ago and I will orient to another facility Thur morning. That will increase my income stability. GF may not like it that it will be at a women's prison but she will have to deal with it. That comes down to whether she trusts me or not.
Where gf is concerned, I know she has been sick a lot lately. However, it's not like I am present when she is. That leaves me feeling alone and lonely. Everything I go through, illness, pain, anxiety, depression, I go through alone. There is no place I can truly turn. Affection tends to be by text. Promises go unfulfilled.
But to be honest, this is nothing new. That has been true at some level with EVERY relationship I have had in my life. At least in this case she does not try and insult me for having my own emotions. She accepts them. However, hers take precedence. Always. Especially depression or anxiety. If I express those, hers are worse. It becomes a competition. To which I concede because I'm just used to going through those things on my own. Guess it's just my karma.
That doesn't make it easy but at least I am strong enough to handle those things on my own. But if I am to be alone emotionally, what is the point? To forever be there for the other person?
If that is going to be the case, this is where I have ultimately defined past behavior. If I get nothing else out of it, then sensually I will seek out someone who at least gives me pleasure in that respect. If she is not going to be submissive, I may start seeking someone that is submissive sexually. Not doing so as yet but I may.
Learned there are a couple of bars in town that are open 24/7. They probably don't sell alcohol all hours but they are open. So I can go after work in the mornings. If nothing else, maybe some social contact? Someone to talk to once in a while? That would help. Feeling isolated is the worst part. Sex is not what I want, really. It just tends to be what is available. Not counting on much intellectual conversation. Not much interested in drinking, either. I may have one beer and then switch to soda if I get into a conversation with someone with half a brain once in a while.
Even many of my friends online are migrating toward "Blew No Matter Who". Meaning voting for corporate Demoncraps to fight Repugnicans. Both parties are nothing but corporate whores who fight against the people and in favor of war. So I am dumping them. They know better. Educating them does no good.
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