Take a breath

I am taking time to take a breath.
My intuition is on extreme alert. Not in a bad way.
I have felt forces building around me for some time now. Did not know what it was until the last couple of days. Now I know.
This coming year is going to be a major transition for me. Not a negative transition, just a transition.
Most of what I feel is more positive than I can believe for my own life. Like nothing I have felt before. 
However, transition is change. Things to rejoice and things to grieve. 
While I still need to finish both books I am working on and work more on the websites, I'm not really expecting massive response from them immediately. So I really don't know what changes/transitions may be coming. 
I would say I hope any positive change means an immediate positive change for many. Though this feels like something more personal. 
Or maybe it's all wishful thinking.
In any case, this is one of my favorite songs in life. One of the best transition songs (New year's Eve songs) you will ever hear in your life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0YwbAmCwz8

Yeah, forget that

On really thinking about it further, I decided I will not become celibate voluntarily. Not for now. It makes no sense at all to do so. It would be ridiculous to respond to being denied what I find an important part of human existence by then denying myself the same part of my existence. 

Things haven't hanged and are not going to change. I no longer speak with her about anything at all which isn't focused entirely on her. Even that would not be so bad but all of it seems to be depressing and hypochondriac. It is all about her consecutive illnesses and injuries, how her husband mistreats her, one crisis after another and how depressed she is. Always. She doesn't want to feel better, it appears. At least not emotionally. 

I can't do it any more. 

Add to it that work has been horrible. Power games and workplace politics. Past couple of weeks I have barely left work a single morning without feeling like I have been physically assaulted. 

I don't feel much like Christmas this year for obvious reasons. Couldn't afford all that much for Christmas this year, thanks to my hours being reduced for a while some weeks back, just in time to impact my Christmas finances. I did not go into debt but spent more than I intended to. Not sorry for what I did spend but mentally had no imagination or focus for people outside my immediate family and friends. 

Back to celibacy

I have decided to go back to celibacy. At this point I find it to be the best choice for me, at least for a while.

The years I spent being celibate were the most emotionally stable years of my adult life. No drama being introduced externally. Besides, if you have no expectations, you are less likely to be disappointed. 

This would be the best route to reclaiming control over my emotions and my sex life. Yes, having no sex by choice is control. Much more so than not having sex by someone else's choice. 

My gf did come over Fri morning. I got virtually no affection, absolutely no intimacy. Unless you count her feet pointed toward me as intimacy, which I don't. She talked, I basically listened. If I tried to talk, she interrupted. I told her I've had a bad week at work. She never asked for specifics or gave me a chance to elaborate. 

Today was the last day I will see her until after Christmas. Maybe until after New years. You would think that would spark some kind of emotional response from her but it didn't. Only thing that mattered was me listening to her. 

Fine, I will listen. That's where it stops. I can no longer allow myself any emotional or sensual dependency or reliance on her. Two years is enough. 

Same stuff, different day, different week, different year

No changes since last writing. Things have gone right back to exactly where they were. GF came by on Monday. She was upset because her daughter's marriage is having problems. 

The result? We had no intimacy that day. Once I said I understood her feelings, she started looking at pictures of houses. At least I got a kiss before she left. Nothing until just before she left. How ironic. 

On Wednesday, she didn't come over. She said she told me she would not be here that day. I'm pretty damn sure she said the opposite. Her daughter and her brother are coming into town and she was not sure when they will arrive. She says she will be here Fri morning.

Here's what I expect. I expect her to say she cannot make it because at least one of the relatives arrived or will arrive tonight or tomorrow morning. Once they get into town, I don't expect to see her until after the start of the new year. If I do see her, it will probably be like Monday was. 

Needless to say I am lonely and horny. If I get the chance to sleep with another woman (attractive, clean, submissive) I will definitely take it. I've had women express interest but I have declined. 

Work sucks. Politics and power games. And religion. WHY did one of them have to throw in religion? 

Been trying to pick up pace on writing again but keep getting blocked by events. Because work sucks. 

Daughter and I got the Christmas tree up this weekend. A few outside lights. I have been trying to get more done but too busy, too tired, too anxious, too depressed. I am not feeling Christmas this year. 

Got all my shopping done. Just need to wrap things and clean up now. Happy to have the shopping finished.

Top piercing seems fully healed. Lower piercing is healing well using the advised salt water treatments. I think this one may take longer because it has to form scar tissue around it because the skin there is fair thin and the area is mobile. I've tugged it more than a few times changing positions in a chair or driving. Nothing extreme but sure aware it's there at the time!

Time for some sleep. 

Here we go again

Well, since getting back with my gf, we have been intimate twice.. I think. Maybe it was only once.

Other than that, she has been sick or busy. She was going to come over this morning but had to change appointments, so it will be tomorrow instead. 

About the only subject we've talked about is her illness. Not that I don't care but at some point it gets old. 

I went last week and got the second piercing. This one is a little bit more uncomfortable because it's in a location that is prone to more friction and tension from sitting positions. It got inflamed and itching for a while. I was afraid that maybe it had become infected but there was no sign of drainage. Instead, I think it was a matter of using a cleaning solution that irritated it plus tension from sitting incorrectly. It is taking a slight adjustment. In the long run, I think I will have to use a larger gauge of jewelry than I have there at the moment. That's okay, means it will have more of an effect sensually. 

The piercings do seem to have the effect of increasing blood flow to the area. That's not a bad thing. 

My writing has slowed down a lot recently. Mostly because of continuous interruptions. Can't seem to do anything, any time, anywhere that I am not interrupted. That is all aside from the emotional disruptions I went through and the people that react emotionally without thinking critically. It becomes frustrating, angering and depressing. 

One more try

So, gf came over on Fri and convinced me that she cares about me and is sorry for how she has treated me. I agreed to give it one more try. I made it absolutely clear this is the final attempt. If it goes back to the same cycle, it's done.

I am not going to say that I am all in emotionally at this point. I have become cautious and seriously rather expecting things to change for a short while and then go right back where they were. I will be happy if things actually change for the better for good. That said, I do love her or I would not be giving this another shot. 

I am not going to be an asshole or try and sabotage anything. I am still who I am. However, this time around I am likely to be more demanding, more controlling. I honestly think she has the emotional need for that from a male partner. It's actually not uncommon and it is something I have probably just not done right in my own life, so that is my own flaw. I'm not exactly submissive but not as aggressive as maybe I should be. 

In a way, I think it sucks that this is something people focus on so much and define masculinity in that way. I am more of a cerebral person than anything else. I hate power games in general. Guess I just have to accept it and incorporate it into my behavior. Blech. 

Any way, she has promised to not cancel coming over at the last minute. To be more understanding of my schedule. The thing of swinging my sleep schedule all around the clock was genuinely making me extremely ill. I can do that in the short term but when it keeps up for months it's too much and would be for anyone. That's bad in your 20's but by late 50's it is much worse, even in top condition. 

She also promised more affection and intimacy. Those are things I actually need. She does not have the time, energy or health to be cooking and cleaning for me. Even if she did, I do those things for myself and that's not what I need from a relationship. Shared, yes but I don't need a mother figure or a maid. The idea of a woman being a servant/slave/object is only attractive to me in the short term and only when incorporated into a much larger context. It is not necessary to my self-esteem. 

So, going to see how this goes. Hopefully well and in the direction it was supposed to go in the first place.