Depressive cycle is improving. Coming out of it slowly.
GF came over last night. I was happy about it and still am. Though she had said she was going to be here around 3. Then it became 4:30. She got here after 6. Stayed until 9, so I was happy of that.
Today she says she will be here after she gets her hair done. Appointment is at 11. No idea how long it will take or what she will do after that and before coming over. Not expecting before 5. Been many months now that I've seen her before 5 unless she had to leave early.
I love her. I'm just not happy with this situation. I really want to throw myself into this relationship again entirely with only as much reserve as the situation dictates.
Had the urge last night after she left to go to karaoke at the place I checked out the other night. Decided against it. Though if something different doesn't happen today I am going to check out the 24 hours places tomorrow morning.
Yes, it has become difficult to write about how much I love her. Too much doubt and isolation now for me. It can turn around but not by anything I have control over.
I can really only control what I do other than inside the relationship. So that appears at the moment to spend huge amounts of time alone and celibate. Leaving me prone to isolation and depression. No, I do not think my depressive cycle was solely chemical by any means. Or get involved in other endeavors, of which there seem to be few options available here. Or try and expand my social circle by some means. If by necessity that includes physical contact, I've been averse to that but becoming less so. For good reason.
In the meantime, going to start getting back to the gym more. I've adjusted to my work schedule and managed to go to the gym after work yesterday morning. I just have to adjust my sleep schedule to compensate, so I'm not exhausted after work. Pisses me off they have the ab room closed and not opening for some time. I'd reduce my membership to the cheaper one if not for the tanning bed part. I may drive out to Prattville sometime and see what that club looks like. Have not yet been out to Prattville.
I am doing slowly better on some things at the gym. Finally managed to get where my chest is larger than my abdomen. Not an easy thing to do at 56 years old. I slowed down on my progress on purpose since I am working and had reached a level where I was stressing bone and ligament to the danger point. Better to take it slower. I can build muscle mass at lower weight levels. Just focus more on endurance. I still push up to near my previous limits. With no ab room, I am focusing on building chest, biceps and triceps. I've gained a lot of muscle to my legs. Or should say REgained. My legs had gotten too skinny. Now I'm happy with them again. Lats are back as they were in my early 30's. Maybe larger. Working on shoulders at home and slowly to prevent impingement. No desire to be in that much pain.
Happy to say my weight stabilized. Staying around 165. Learned I do not trust the scale at work.
So, speaking of which, I am going to the gym in a few minutes. Come back and take a bath and a nap. Hopefully see gf later. Hopefully.
GF came over last night. I was happy about it and still am. Though she had said she was going to be here around 3. Then it became 4:30. She got here after 6. Stayed until 9, so I was happy of that.
Today she says she will be here after she gets her hair done. Appointment is at 11. No idea how long it will take or what she will do after that and before coming over. Not expecting before 5. Been many months now that I've seen her before 5 unless she had to leave early.
I love her. I'm just not happy with this situation. I really want to throw myself into this relationship again entirely with only as much reserve as the situation dictates.
Had the urge last night after she left to go to karaoke at the place I checked out the other night. Decided against it. Though if something different doesn't happen today I am going to check out the 24 hours places tomorrow morning.
Yes, it has become difficult to write about how much I love her. Too much doubt and isolation now for me. It can turn around but not by anything I have control over.
I can really only control what I do other than inside the relationship. So that appears at the moment to spend huge amounts of time alone and celibate. Leaving me prone to isolation and depression. No, I do not think my depressive cycle was solely chemical by any means. Or get involved in other endeavors, of which there seem to be few options available here. Or try and expand my social circle by some means. If by necessity that includes physical contact, I've been averse to that but becoming less so. For good reason.
In the meantime, going to start getting back to the gym more. I've adjusted to my work schedule and managed to go to the gym after work yesterday morning. I just have to adjust my sleep schedule to compensate, so I'm not exhausted after work. Pisses me off they have the ab room closed and not opening for some time. I'd reduce my membership to the cheaper one if not for the tanning bed part. I may drive out to Prattville sometime and see what that club looks like. Have not yet been out to Prattville.
I am doing slowly better on some things at the gym. Finally managed to get where my chest is larger than my abdomen. Not an easy thing to do at 56 years old. I slowed down on my progress on purpose since I am working and had reached a level where I was stressing bone and ligament to the danger point. Better to take it slower. I can build muscle mass at lower weight levels. Just focus more on endurance. I still push up to near my previous limits. With no ab room, I am focusing on building chest, biceps and triceps. I've gained a lot of muscle to my legs. Or should say REgained. My legs had gotten too skinny. Now I'm happy with them again. Lats are back as they were in my early 30's. Maybe larger. Working on shoulders at home and slowly to prevent impingement. No desire to be in that much pain.
Happy to say my weight stabilized. Staying around 165. Learned I do not trust the scale at work.
So, speaking of which, I am going to the gym in a few minutes. Come back and take a bath and a nap. Hopefully see gf later. Hopefully.
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