I mentioned it last night. I don't really get writer's block. When I was younger I thought I did. Now I know I get more of a writer's pause. I go in waves. I write like crazy for a while, then it seems like I cannot focus well enough to compose anything without wandering off in so many directions that it becomes pointless. I've started writing several things which all fit that description. I don't bother to publish those.
I think the reason for that is simply that I make things too personal. Too emotional. Plus my thought processes are complex, so they link things in ways that become too rambling for most people to understand. Or I go the opposite way and obsess. So I repeat myself too much.
All I can really do is wait these periods out because I am still thinking, taking mental notes. Eventually they coalesce into better defined ideas which I can express in a lucid manner.
I'm also having a problem in general with my motivation. Hard to get things done when they need to be done. I hate that. Once again, lack of focus.
So I did get one or two resumes out last night. Get a couple more out today. I actually had to force myself to do that. Need to do the same with my taxes this week. BEFORE the 15th. Hmm. I guess the 16th this year.
So, last night after my last writing, she texted me with what she later said was a joke about suicide. Maybe my response came across as uncaring but it was honest. I said I love her but if that's what she wants there's nothing I can do to stop her. That's the truth. I have no control.
It's not like I can offer her any more than I do. Any inhibition in our relationship does not come from my side. Offer her more time? While I sit alone, waiting? More affection? While I sit alone, waiting? While she imposes barriers saying she does not want the relationship to be all about sex, while we have always spent more time together NOT having sex? Or hours talking online about things other than sex? It was I who said I wanted more affection, sex or no sex.
There is also the fact that over months she has gone through cycles of physical illness and then emotional depression. I've gone through one or two periods of depression since I met her. (Mostly at least in part because of frustration or loss of faith in our relationship. But I've covered that.) She has gone through depression it seems 4-5 times. In less than six months. I understand she is in an emotionally abusive situation. Yet I also see she focuses on that. She says she is happy being with me. Then appears to avoid time with me. She says she is anxious and depressed about Trump, then fixates constantly on Trump. She even picks up her cell phone while she is here to see what next thing she can read or share about him. She says she listens to me, then posts things supporting Russiagate claims. Or how Mueller will bring Trump down, after I pointed out Mueller has stated publicly that Trump is not under criminal investigation. That was only days ago.
She is addicted to depression and anxiety. There is truly nothing I can do about that. I hate seeing that because she is so intelligent. Not to mention she has read the things I have written on that very subject. Heard me say it. Watched my videos. I guess she projects it onto other people and does not realize that she is doing the exact same thing.
Any way, what it sounded like last night was like she was setting it up to avoid intimacy even more. Okay. If that's what she wants there is nothing I can do about it. When we began a few months ago, our intimacy was based on joy and lack of inhibition. Or so I thought. It appeared to give her emotional freedom. Or so I thought.
I'm not going to let myself be dragged down into depression, inhibition and anxiety. Not going to bury my needs and feelings. Not going to ignore myself. I'll do what I need to do. It's in no way meant to force or control her. It is the opposite, letting her make her own decisions. My own decisions do not have to concur. I want her to be happy. I want me to be happy. I want us to be happy together. But I deeply question whether what I want really matters.
I think the reason for that is simply that I make things too personal. Too emotional. Plus my thought processes are complex, so they link things in ways that become too rambling for most people to understand. Or I go the opposite way and obsess. So I repeat myself too much.
All I can really do is wait these periods out because I am still thinking, taking mental notes. Eventually they coalesce into better defined ideas which I can express in a lucid manner.
I'm also having a problem in general with my motivation. Hard to get things done when they need to be done. I hate that. Once again, lack of focus.
So I did get one or two resumes out last night. Get a couple more out today. I actually had to force myself to do that. Need to do the same with my taxes this week. BEFORE the 15th. Hmm. I guess the 16th this year.
So, last night after my last writing, she texted me with what she later said was a joke about suicide. Maybe my response came across as uncaring but it was honest. I said I love her but if that's what she wants there's nothing I can do to stop her. That's the truth. I have no control.
It's not like I can offer her any more than I do. Any inhibition in our relationship does not come from my side. Offer her more time? While I sit alone, waiting? More affection? While I sit alone, waiting? While she imposes barriers saying she does not want the relationship to be all about sex, while we have always spent more time together NOT having sex? Or hours talking online about things other than sex? It was I who said I wanted more affection, sex or no sex.
There is also the fact that over months she has gone through cycles of physical illness and then emotional depression. I've gone through one or two periods of depression since I met her. (Mostly at least in part because of frustration or loss of faith in our relationship. But I've covered that.) She has gone through depression it seems 4-5 times. In less than six months. I understand she is in an emotionally abusive situation. Yet I also see she focuses on that. She says she is happy being with me. Then appears to avoid time with me. She says she is anxious and depressed about Trump, then fixates constantly on Trump. She even picks up her cell phone while she is here to see what next thing she can read or share about him. She says she listens to me, then posts things supporting Russiagate claims. Or how Mueller will bring Trump down, after I pointed out Mueller has stated publicly that Trump is not under criminal investigation. That was only days ago.
She is addicted to depression and anxiety. There is truly nothing I can do about that. I hate seeing that because she is so intelligent. Not to mention she has read the things I have written on that very subject. Heard me say it. Watched my videos. I guess she projects it onto other people and does not realize that she is doing the exact same thing.
Any way, what it sounded like last night was like she was setting it up to avoid intimacy even more. Okay. If that's what she wants there is nothing I can do about it. When we began a few months ago, our intimacy was based on joy and lack of inhibition. Or so I thought. It appeared to give her emotional freedom. Or so I thought.
I'm not going to let myself be dragged down into depression, inhibition and anxiety. Not going to bury my needs and feelings. Not going to ignore myself. I'll do what I need to do. It's in no way meant to force or control her. It is the opposite, letting her make her own decisions. My own decisions do not have to concur. I want her to be happy. I want me to be happy. I want us to be happy together. But I deeply question whether what I want really matters.
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