I have to admit to myself my own hypocrisy.
I speak of other people looking for things to be wrong. Yet what am I doing in my relationship? It genuinely seems like I look for things to be wrong at times. Why? Fear. I've been through damaging relationships many times and bear the scars deeply. I'm just not willing to blindly allow more scars to be inflicted on me. So I question, I doubt.
None of that is saying my feelings or concerns are not realistic. I try and look at things as objectively as I can. I try and not attack or blame. Yet that leaves me seeming emotionally unstable. I'm no good at blind faith yet not willing to throw this woman, this relationship away frivolously. So I remain caught in the middle. I want more, need more with her. I yearn for it like I never have before. I love her like I have never loved anyone before. She is different from every woman I have ever known.
So I have to buckle down. Stop overreacting. Be open and honest. Stand my ground. She's worth it.
I've gained more weight. Jumped on the scale today and I was up to 175.6 lbs. Hard to believe. Explains why I've been sore for a couple of days. I worked my muscles really hard, made them sore enough that creatine did not help much. Being sick without knowing didn't help. Muscles get sore, then gain size and weight, trading inflammation for muscle mass.
So, my original goal was to reach 170. Then 175. Now reaching for 180. In 3 months or less, I hope to reach 190. That may not happen that quickly because I had to slow down because of work. Doubting I will go for 200 because I don't want to go so far I look like a muscled freak. All depends on how I look and feel though.
It's still mostly about health but I like what I see in the mirror now. After fighting to keep weight on and suffering through some level of muscle wasting because of my UC, I want to have more of a buffer. When your body goes into starvation mode, it consumes muscle tissue. The more muscle mass I have to start with, the better.
I have definitely reached the point where my chest is visibly larger than my waist again, so I'm happy about that. But I still want to work on my chest and arms more. I have a faintly visible six pack. Hips are larger, as is my butt. So I'm developing a more muscular shape. Who figured that would happen in my mid to late 50's? But I have a hot little redhead gf as motivation, too. She's the only one that will see it. Hopefully ever. Want her happy with what she's looking at. She says she is already but I want to keep it that way.
I speak of other people looking for things to be wrong. Yet what am I doing in my relationship? It genuinely seems like I look for things to be wrong at times. Why? Fear. I've been through damaging relationships many times and bear the scars deeply. I'm just not willing to blindly allow more scars to be inflicted on me. So I question, I doubt.
None of that is saying my feelings or concerns are not realistic. I try and look at things as objectively as I can. I try and not attack or blame. Yet that leaves me seeming emotionally unstable. I'm no good at blind faith yet not willing to throw this woman, this relationship away frivolously. So I remain caught in the middle. I want more, need more with her. I yearn for it like I never have before. I love her like I have never loved anyone before. She is different from every woman I have ever known.
So I have to buckle down. Stop overreacting. Be open and honest. Stand my ground. She's worth it.
I've gained more weight. Jumped on the scale today and I was up to 175.6 lbs. Hard to believe. Explains why I've been sore for a couple of days. I worked my muscles really hard, made them sore enough that creatine did not help much. Being sick without knowing didn't help. Muscles get sore, then gain size and weight, trading inflammation for muscle mass.
So, my original goal was to reach 170. Then 175. Now reaching for 180. In 3 months or less, I hope to reach 190. That may not happen that quickly because I had to slow down because of work. Doubting I will go for 200 because I don't want to go so far I look like a muscled freak. All depends on how I look and feel though.
It's still mostly about health but I like what I see in the mirror now. After fighting to keep weight on and suffering through some level of muscle wasting because of my UC, I want to have more of a buffer. When your body goes into starvation mode, it consumes muscle tissue. The more muscle mass I have to start with, the better.
I have definitely reached the point where my chest is visibly larger than my waist again, so I'm happy about that. But I still want to work on my chest and arms more. I have a faintly visible six pack. Hips are larger, as is my butt. So I'm developing a more muscular shape. Who figured that would happen in my mid to late 50's? But I have a hot little redhead gf as motivation, too. She's the only one that will see it. Hopefully ever. Want her happy with what she's looking at. She says she is already but I want to keep it that way.
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