I suspected it the other day. Manic state confirmed. Last Wed-Thur I was awake for two days on 2 hours of sleep. Tonight I may have gotten an hour of sleep. Or may not have. Not really sure. Any way, definitely not a depressive state. In fact, I'm on a pretty good mood.
Same week I start the new job. Guess that means I will get through training really fast.
The down side to it is mostly that I get really horny. Think I finally figured out the fact that some part (not all) is that a lot of sex is about the only thing that will help me sleep. Medications will not do it. Neither will alcohol.
Just to make it better I seem to have a low level sinus infection. Flushing sinuses with saline.
GF and I talked online yesterday. She did not come over, as I knew was going to happen. She could not come up with any reason for leaving the house on Christmas which would be convincing.
She is going to come over today and we are going to talk. I did tell her we need to talk about our relationship. Threw a scare into her. Honestly, I do not feel sorry for that in the short term. I told her that the way things are going leaves me feeling emotionally vulnerable. She knows I do not say that in a good way. She was offline when I said that in PM, then I tried to take a short nap. By the time I said it I had drank an entire bottle of wine. It didn't help. I laid there and never went to sleep.
Any way, she saw it shortly after I wrote it. That's when it scared her. When I got back up, we talked. I told her I love her and am not backing away from her. That I understand how difficult her situation is. But we have to discuss what that means between us. In honest terms.
In some ways, until yesterday I may have made her feel too secure. Maybe a scare is what she needed. She is not comfortable with her husband. Feels judged for nothing. He continuously tries to control her every breath. He takes away any attempt at empowerment she makes. But she seems to be wallowing in it. She says she is happy and comfortable with me yet afraid of how she feels for me. She will not admit it but I know that makes her avoid more time with me.
And that makes me feel vulnerable. People who are scared are unpredictable. I have been in situations where someone was afraid of their feelings for me and it made them back away. Even walk away. By the time they came back my feelings changed. I just don't trust it when someone walks away from me. I cannot trust they will not do it again.
So I made it clear I want to stay with her. I know she cannot leave her current situation. Too many practical considerations involved. Made it clear I will not sit by while she has all of her self esteem trashed. I can't just sit and watch that happen to her. It's not in me to simply allow it. She told me emphatically she does not want to lose me.
So, we need to define this if we are going to move forward together. Set some ground rules, a tentative schedule. If I am rarely going to see her and only for short periods, I have to make clear I will see other women on a lesser basis. Just as a means of self protection. For myself, I cannot stand to have her here less and less, always with one foot out the door. That's just a sign that a person is trying to gain enough distance to close the door safely with no risk to themselves. I can't do it. I won't do it.
I'm realistic. I do not ask to be placed at the top of the list. But I don't care to be at the bottom. Optional. Disposable.
Same week I start the new job. Guess that means I will get through training really fast.
The down side to it is mostly that I get really horny. Think I finally figured out the fact that some part (not all) is that a lot of sex is about the only thing that will help me sleep. Medications will not do it. Neither will alcohol.
Just to make it better I seem to have a low level sinus infection. Flushing sinuses with saline.
GF and I talked online yesterday. She did not come over, as I knew was going to happen. She could not come up with any reason for leaving the house on Christmas which would be convincing.
She is going to come over today and we are going to talk. I did tell her we need to talk about our relationship. Threw a scare into her. Honestly, I do not feel sorry for that in the short term. I told her that the way things are going leaves me feeling emotionally vulnerable. She knows I do not say that in a good way. She was offline when I said that in PM, then I tried to take a short nap. By the time I said it I had drank an entire bottle of wine. It didn't help. I laid there and never went to sleep.
Any way, she saw it shortly after I wrote it. That's when it scared her. When I got back up, we talked. I told her I love her and am not backing away from her. That I understand how difficult her situation is. But we have to discuss what that means between us. In honest terms.
In some ways, until yesterday I may have made her feel too secure. Maybe a scare is what she needed. She is not comfortable with her husband. Feels judged for nothing. He continuously tries to control her every breath. He takes away any attempt at empowerment she makes. But she seems to be wallowing in it. She says she is happy and comfortable with me yet afraid of how she feels for me. She will not admit it but I know that makes her avoid more time with me.
And that makes me feel vulnerable. People who are scared are unpredictable. I have been in situations where someone was afraid of their feelings for me and it made them back away. Even walk away. By the time they came back my feelings changed. I just don't trust it when someone walks away from me. I cannot trust they will not do it again.
So I made it clear I want to stay with her. I know she cannot leave her current situation. Too many practical considerations involved. Made it clear I will not sit by while she has all of her self esteem trashed. I can't just sit and watch that happen to her. It's not in me to simply allow it. She told me emphatically she does not want to lose me.
So, we need to define this if we are going to move forward together. Set some ground rules, a tentative schedule. If I am rarely going to see her and only for short periods, I have to make clear I will see other women on a lesser basis. Just as a means of self protection. For myself, I cannot stand to have her here less and less, always with one foot out the door. That's just a sign that a person is trying to gain enough distance to close the door safely with no risk to themselves. I can't do it. I won't do it.
I'm realistic. I do not ask to be placed at the top of the list. But I don't care to be at the bottom. Optional. Disposable.
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