I deleted a couple of posts. Honestly, I went through a couple of days of emotional upheaval. Partly because of a situation I will not recount. The situation was quite real and I cannot say completely resolved yet. However, part of it was that I realized because my brain chemistry was sorely unbalanced from stopping the Trazodone.
Since then I started taking the Trazodone again but at a lower dosage. First day was okay but today I again had some brain fog for much of the day. So I will reduce the dosage even more. It does seem to help me to an extent but too much has a negative effect. If dropping the daily dosage doesn't work, I'll try a half or even quarter dose every other day. It may just have so much cumulative effect that my brain will not handle it.
As far as the real issues, it is very possible I was overreacting. Or not. Hard to say.
Barely seen my gf this past week. When I did, she arrives later and later. I only saw her Mon and Fri. Wed she hurt her arm at aerial yoga. Was in pain Thur. I understand and accept that. However, I also get a strong feeling that she is giving in to fear about our relationship. About her feelings for me. I've been through this before and it did not end well. She seems to want to hold onto her feelings for me and for them to advance. At the same time, that fear can drive a wedge between us which I can do nothing to prevent. THAT brings my own fear and need for defense into play.
I considered strongly again whether I should see other women. Ultimately decided against it. I am giving this time. I do love her. In ways I have never loved anyone. We relate to each other on levels I have hoped for (and sometimes talked myself into believing were there but were not) my whole life. Both have a strong spiritual side, including a history of witchcraft. Grew up as Christians. Same political and social leanings. Both above normal intelligence. (Damn I love that!!) Both have had to dumb ourselves down for past partners. She has been in a mostly male field for decades, while I have been in a mostly female field. Same views of love and commitment but have always wound up with partners who claimed they agreed but later revealed the truth. Both sexually abused. She is submissive, I am dominant. Both pretty uninhibited sexually and emotionally, given the chance but want monogamy. Both driven more by emotion than intellect in spite of intellectual capacity.
I do have to accept she is more emotionally fragile than I am. For good reason.
So I need to practice more patience than I have had a habit of in the past. Give her time. I know it will go one way or the other. There will be no in between. I have to accept that. So I cannot ride any middle line. I will remain all in and wait to see which direction she goes. And be ready for it. I'm strong. I can withstand it.
Since then I started taking the Trazodone again but at a lower dosage. First day was okay but today I again had some brain fog for much of the day. So I will reduce the dosage even more. It does seem to help me to an extent but too much has a negative effect. If dropping the daily dosage doesn't work, I'll try a half or even quarter dose every other day. It may just have so much cumulative effect that my brain will not handle it.
As far as the real issues, it is very possible I was overreacting. Or not. Hard to say.
Barely seen my gf this past week. When I did, she arrives later and later. I only saw her Mon and Fri. Wed she hurt her arm at aerial yoga. Was in pain Thur. I understand and accept that. However, I also get a strong feeling that she is giving in to fear about our relationship. About her feelings for me. I've been through this before and it did not end well. She seems to want to hold onto her feelings for me and for them to advance. At the same time, that fear can drive a wedge between us which I can do nothing to prevent. THAT brings my own fear and need for defense into play.
I considered strongly again whether I should see other women. Ultimately decided against it. I am giving this time. I do love her. In ways I have never loved anyone. We relate to each other on levels I have hoped for (and sometimes talked myself into believing were there but were not) my whole life. Both have a strong spiritual side, including a history of witchcraft. Grew up as Christians. Same political and social leanings. Both above normal intelligence. (Damn I love that!!) Both have had to dumb ourselves down for past partners. She has been in a mostly male field for decades, while I have been in a mostly female field. Same views of love and commitment but have always wound up with partners who claimed they agreed but later revealed the truth. Both sexually abused. She is submissive, I am dominant. Both pretty uninhibited sexually and emotionally, given the chance but want monogamy. Both driven more by emotion than intellect in spite of intellectual capacity.
I do have to accept she is more emotionally fragile than I am. For good reason.
So I need to practice more patience than I have had a habit of in the past. Give her time. I know it will go one way or the other. There will be no in between. I have to accept that. So I cannot ride any middle line. I will remain all in and wait to see which direction she goes. And be ready for it. I'm strong. I can withstand it.
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