My gf came over yesterday evening and we had several hours together.
No specifics but have to say something happened which has happened very few times in my life. And never with nearly the same emotional impetus before. As time goes on, we become closer and closer. All barriers dropping.
I have said several times this is a scary place for me but I am not running from it. I do have a reflex which sparks some urge to sleep with other women but have a long history of not giving in to that with less on the line. So I will definitely not be giving in to that this time.
Hell, I have been known to tell a naked woman to put her clothes on and leave and I was in my 20's when that happened. I have a lot more self control now than then.
Plus the fact that I have a much stronger connection at more levels with her than anyone I have ever been with. Not damaging that.
She also has fear. I can hear it and see it. It will take time for that to pass. I told her last night that she will ultimately find me boring in just how little she has to fear from me. She has had men that abused her, beat her, cheated on her, insulted her, ignored her. I would not do any of that. So I will be here for her as she works through that fear.
Honestly, I expect at some point she may become angry with me as she realizes how little she has to fear. Then it all becomes a commitment, which is a different kind of fear. No external threats, only internal. Plus just the fact that some subconscious part of her will want to see how I react when angry. With a past history of abuse, I can say I will not be violent or abusive as much as I want but the question will remain present until she sees it for herself.
I think I took a step forward on that when I told her I wanted to delay our ceremony yet did not in any way step back from her. Instead, we have become closer.
This morning, I woke up aroused. Cannot remember my last dream but that has not happened since I was in my 20's. I do recall dreaming of us falling asleep together. Though I tend to think if she spent the night here there would not be a lot of sleeping going on.
I DO want to get out and start expanding my social circle a bit. Only to make platonic friends in intellectual and social movement circles. Kind of surprised there aren't more meetings about that with the election coming up soon. But it's all protests. Which I am for but do most of mine online. Try to spread knowledge and awareness without the risk of being arrested. I don't deal with jail well at all. Even if money is not an issue, I cannot stand to be locked up for any period of time.
Besides, I find spreading awareness far more effective than protests, which tend to be preaching to the choir.
Okay, I have things to do. Have to finish my CEU's for my nursing license.
No specifics but have to say something happened which has happened very few times in my life. And never with nearly the same emotional impetus before. As time goes on, we become closer and closer. All barriers dropping.
I have said several times this is a scary place for me but I am not running from it. I do have a reflex which sparks some urge to sleep with other women but have a long history of not giving in to that with less on the line. So I will definitely not be giving in to that this time.
Hell, I have been known to tell a naked woman to put her clothes on and leave and I was in my 20's when that happened. I have a lot more self control now than then.
Plus the fact that I have a much stronger connection at more levels with her than anyone I have ever been with. Not damaging that.
She also has fear. I can hear it and see it. It will take time for that to pass. I told her last night that she will ultimately find me boring in just how little she has to fear from me. She has had men that abused her, beat her, cheated on her, insulted her, ignored her. I would not do any of that. So I will be here for her as she works through that fear.
Honestly, I expect at some point she may become angry with me as she realizes how little she has to fear. Then it all becomes a commitment, which is a different kind of fear. No external threats, only internal. Plus just the fact that some subconscious part of her will want to see how I react when angry. With a past history of abuse, I can say I will not be violent or abusive as much as I want but the question will remain present until she sees it for herself.
I think I took a step forward on that when I told her I wanted to delay our ceremony yet did not in any way step back from her. Instead, we have become closer.
This morning, I woke up aroused. Cannot remember my last dream but that has not happened since I was in my 20's. I do recall dreaming of us falling asleep together. Though I tend to think if she spent the night here there would not be a lot of sleeping going on.
I DO want to get out and start expanding my social circle a bit. Only to make platonic friends in intellectual and social movement circles. Kind of surprised there aren't more meetings about that with the election coming up soon. But it's all protests. Which I am for but do most of mine online. Try to spread knowledge and awareness without the risk of being arrested. I don't deal with jail well at all. Even if money is not an issue, I cannot stand to be locked up for any period of time.
Besides, I find spreading awareness far more effective than protests, which tend to be preaching to the choir.
Okay, I have things to do. Have to finish my CEU's for my nursing license.
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