Yesterday she came over and we spent a number of hours together.
I needed that badly.
Emotionally, I can move forward in this relationship. Yesterday made me feel more important to her. Which I was not feeling.
I could say it is not about sex but that would not be entirely true. To me, sexual/sensual intensity and affection are very important aspects of a relationship. Otherwise, you're not really anything but close friends and occasional bed partners. These are things you share with a partner which are not shared with the rest of the world.
Every past relationship I have had have lacked something. Either my partner was uninhibited but not very affectionate or they were affectionate but inhibited. Lots of promises but not much delivery.
I need all of it. Lack of inhibition is a sign of being truly open, truly wanting to please each other. Affection is a sign of feeling close emotionally, even when hormones are not at a heated pitch. Talking and sharing thoughts and feelings is communication. Learning more about each other. Plus we share the same intellectual capacity, so that is a level above and beyond most relationships. Neither is prejudiced or bigoted. Both care deeply about others beyond ourselves. Both have experienced abuse in our pasts. Enough to truly appreciate what we see in each other.
I hurt her feelings this weekend. She wants to have a handbinding ceremony with me. It's a Celtic ritual of commitment. I am all for it but I did tell her I want to put it off a while. Not something I want to rush into this soon. It truly means something to me.
Part of that is that I do realize what she is coming out of emotionally. Years of being in a relationship which have left her feeling alone. Now she does not. She has been fighting depression and still is, whether she fully admits to it or not. I also understand from personal experience that depression is an addiction, a habit which can be hard to break. I do not want her to come out of that, feel a closeness to me which she later finds is not really there. I involve my emotions slowly, cautiously. Even this has been faster than normal for me for decades. Crap, I've stayed single for over 12 years now and have not dated for 8 1/2 years. But once my emotions are there, they do not move backward. When the person I love does do that, it hurts. A LOT.
I did tell her I want her but I want her whole. No depression, no emotional pain, no doubt. The only way I can trust this is if she wants me as much when she feels back in balance. I do not want to do this because she fears I will walk away. Instead, it has to be because she sees I will not and I see the same in her. I know neither has that intent. Though I also know initial intentions can go astray. I know she has a strong sense of honor. I see that in her relationship with her husband. But I do not want her to be with me from a sense of honor to a commitment or promise she does not want to break. It has to be because she believes in us. The stability, not the initial emotional release and hormone rush. Yes, that would be more likely to happen with her than myself. I have spent these years alone. It would suck to go back to that but I am quite secure in doing so. In her case, she is still balancing the emotions for me and her husband. Then rushing into something else means she could later question whether she did so too soon and needed more time for just herself.
I always think in the long term. When I do not, things crash. In this case, I am thinking and feeling in the long term. I am committed to us. Completely. No turning back. Nothing on the side.
I will admit I still scan CL but that's amusement and diversion. And flagging the fake posts, which annoy the hell out of me. Guess just my OCD. Besides, I sometimes reply to people asking for advice. I have no posts up for any purpose. Oops. That's a lie. I have one up telling people how to spot fake posts. It has no other purpose.
It is funny. She knows hacking and web searches far beyond most people. She could be reading this or even have my computer hacked for all I know. That's okay. Aside from my own emotional struggle in this, there's nothing to find which I would hide. Nothing I would not admit to. And there won't be.
Still scary flying without a net. I don't give that level of trust easily because I have done so and been wrong too many times.
I needed that badly.
Emotionally, I can move forward in this relationship. Yesterday made me feel more important to her. Which I was not feeling.
I could say it is not about sex but that would not be entirely true. To me, sexual/sensual intensity and affection are very important aspects of a relationship. Otherwise, you're not really anything but close friends and occasional bed partners. These are things you share with a partner which are not shared with the rest of the world.
Every past relationship I have had have lacked something. Either my partner was uninhibited but not very affectionate or they were affectionate but inhibited. Lots of promises but not much delivery.
I need all of it. Lack of inhibition is a sign of being truly open, truly wanting to please each other. Affection is a sign of feeling close emotionally, even when hormones are not at a heated pitch. Talking and sharing thoughts and feelings is communication. Learning more about each other. Plus we share the same intellectual capacity, so that is a level above and beyond most relationships. Neither is prejudiced or bigoted. Both care deeply about others beyond ourselves. Both have experienced abuse in our pasts. Enough to truly appreciate what we see in each other.
I hurt her feelings this weekend. She wants to have a handbinding ceremony with me. It's a Celtic ritual of commitment. I am all for it but I did tell her I want to put it off a while. Not something I want to rush into this soon. It truly means something to me.
Part of that is that I do realize what she is coming out of emotionally. Years of being in a relationship which have left her feeling alone. Now she does not. She has been fighting depression and still is, whether she fully admits to it or not. I also understand from personal experience that depression is an addiction, a habit which can be hard to break. I do not want her to come out of that, feel a closeness to me which she later finds is not really there. I involve my emotions slowly, cautiously. Even this has been faster than normal for me for decades. Crap, I've stayed single for over 12 years now and have not dated for 8 1/2 years. But once my emotions are there, they do not move backward. When the person I love does do that, it hurts. A LOT.
I did tell her I want her but I want her whole. No depression, no emotional pain, no doubt. The only way I can trust this is if she wants me as much when she feels back in balance. I do not want to do this because she fears I will walk away. Instead, it has to be because she sees I will not and I see the same in her. I know neither has that intent. Though I also know initial intentions can go astray. I know she has a strong sense of honor. I see that in her relationship with her husband. But I do not want her to be with me from a sense of honor to a commitment or promise she does not want to break. It has to be because she believes in us. The stability, not the initial emotional release and hormone rush. Yes, that would be more likely to happen with her than myself. I have spent these years alone. It would suck to go back to that but I am quite secure in doing so. In her case, she is still balancing the emotions for me and her husband. Then rushing into something else means she could later question whether she did so too soon and needed more time for just herself.
I always think in the long term. When I do not, things crash. In this case, I am thinking and feeling in the long term. I am committed to us. Completely. No turning back. Nothing on the side.
I will admit I still scan CL but that's amusement and diversion. And flagging the fake posts, which annoy the hell out of me. Guess just my OCD. Besides, I sometimes reply to people asking for advice. I have no posts up for any purpose. Oops. That's a lie. I have one up telling people how to spot fake posts. It has no other purpose.
It is funny. She knows hacking and web searches far beyond most people. She could be reading this or even have my computer hacked for all I know. That's okay. Aside from my own emotional struggle in this, there's nothing to find which I would hide. Nothing I would not admit to. And there won't be.
Still scary flying without a net. I don't give that level of trust easily because I have done so and been wrong too many times.
No comments:
Post a Comment