Having another night of insomnia. Though I am starting to feel the effects of valerian root, Benadryl and food.
My mind is working on about various things. For some reason, fixated on emotional issues I have not really focused on for quite some time. Partly from a post on CL which brought past thoughts back.
It's interesting how men even today still have so little right to their own emotions. If a man does not express or show his emotions, he is considered an asshole. However, if he does express or display his emotions, he is considered less masculine. Which is easier to deal with? Almost universally, it is easier to deal with being considered an asshole, especially when you know it is not true. (Yes, I realize there are exceptions to this rule in true assholes. However, they are the exception, not the rule.)
There have been many times in my life I have substituted sex for emotion. Why? Because it's much easier to find sex and does not involve the risk of pain which emotion does.
For 5 years now (shortly), I have been celibate. The reason is simple. I have not been willing to make a commitment which does not meet certain ideals. Not willing to abandon those ideals yet again. Looking for friendship is so much more difficult than sex or commitment.
So, now I'm again facing loneliness. Only so many options open. I am going to start going out and socializing. I am also going to start looking for a lover. Or two. Or more.
Of course, before that happens, I need to get the house and yard back in better shape. That's a good motivator to get those things done. Starting this week, getting to work on it.
On the other hand, I don't really want to get into some schedule which takes up all my time and interferes with my projects. I want to get things done around here. I would actually prefer having someone around to talk to that doesn't mind if I'm working on different things, rather than demanding all my attention. Right now, even for sex. If I had less to do and more to do it with, that sentiment would change.
Okay, everything mentioned above is in full effect. Getting to bed.
My mind is working on about various things. For some reason, fixated on emotional issues I have not really focused on for quite some time. Partly from a post on CL which brought past thoughts back.
It's interesting how men even today still have so little right to their own emotions. If a man does not express or show his emotions, he is considered an asshole. However, if he does express or display his emotions, he is considered less masculine. Which is easier to deal with? Almost universally, it is easier to deal with being considered an asshole, especially when you know it is not true. (Yes, I realize there are exceptions to this rule in true assholes. However, they are the exception, not the rule.)
There have been many times in my life I have substituted sex for emotion. Why? Because it's much easier to find sex and does not involve the risk of pain which emotion does.
For 5 years now (shortly), I have been celibate. The reason is simple. I have not been willing to make a commitment which does not meet certain ideals. Not willing to abandon those ideals yet again. Looking for friendship is so much more difficult than sex or commitment.
So, now I'm again facing loneliness. Only so many options open. I am going to start going out and socializing. I am also going to start looking for a lover. Or two. Or more.
Of course, before that happens, I need to get the house and yard back in better shape. That's a good motivator to get those things done. Starting this week, getting to work on it.
On the other hand, I don't really want to get into some schedule which takes up all my time and interferes with my projects. I want to get things done around here. I would actually prefer having someone around to talk to that doesn't mind if I'm working on different things, rather than demanding all my attention. Right now, even for sex. If I had less to do and more to do it with, that sentiment would change.
Okay, everything mentioned above is in full effect. Getting to bed.
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