She went to see her doctor today. Most things looked good but she does have a UTI, which they started her on abx for.
I did tell her I want to watch less TV. Sadly, she sounded resistant to that idea. I then asked her if she wanted to keep the TV on. She finally said she knows I don't watch much TV and that we don't get much time together, so we shouldn't waste that time on TV.
That was an improvement from the way she sounded at first. But that is why I said it now via chat. I wanted to see what the reaction would be and give her time to think about it before I see her.
She said she had been sick this week. I understand that but feel like it's one thing or another. Before this it has been things interfering with time, respiratory infection, anemia, depression. If everything interferes with intimacy, then all that tends to be left is watching TV together. Not like we can go out together in public and do much. Have to maintain some level of discretion.
It's not a question, we both have health issues. She has more than I do but that cannot be helped. I understand all of that and take it seriously.
I still love her very much. I still want the relationship and future that we had discussed. However, it does not take much for my need to protect myself to kick in. With good reason, considering my "romantic" history. Some of the things we discussed are things which are natural to happen early in a relationship, at least to some degree. If they keep getting kicked down the road, then it is a natural response to start questioning, if not now, then when? If ever?
At what point do my wants, needs and feelings begin to count? Because in the end, that's what this is really about. If the answer is never, then I do know I am better off being alone. In being single and alone, there is always a measure of hope. There is the fact that nothing stops you from pursuing fulfillment of your own needs, even if in a fragmented manner. Better than keeping part of yourself closed off for good and knowing you gave up important parts of your being. Anyone expecting you to do that, tricking you into doing that, does not really love you. I've done that before and believed, truly believed that I had found someone with whom that would not happen. At this point, I'm deeply questioning that belief. It's not something I can do again. I would not be true to myself if I did.
I did tell her I want to watch less TV. Sadly, she sounded resistant to that idea. I then asked her if she wanted to keep the TV on. She finally said she knows I don't watch much TV and that we don't get much time together, so we shouldn't waste that time on TV.
That was an improvement from the way she sounded at first. But that is why I said it now via chat. I wanted to see what the reaction would be and give her time to think about it before I see her.
She said she had been sick this week. I understand that but feel like it's one thing or another. Before this it has been things interfering with time, respiratory infection, anemia, depression. If everything interferes with intimacy, then all that tends to be left is watching TV together. Not like we can go out together in public and do much. Have to maintain some level of discretion.
It's not a question, we both have health issues. She has more than I do but that cannot be helped. I understand all of that and take it seriously.
I still love her very much. I still want the relationship and future that we had discussed. However, it does not take much for my need to protect myself to kick in. With good reason, considering my "romantic" history. Some of the things we discussed are things which are natural to happen early in a relationship, at least to some degree. If they keep getting kicked down the road, then it is a natural response to start questioning, if not now, then when? If ever?
At what point do my wants, needs and feelings begin to count? Because in the end, that's what this is really about. If the answer is never, then I do know I am better off being alone. In being single and alone, there is always a measure of hope. There is the fact that nothing stops you from pursuing fulfillment of your own needs, even if in a fragmented manner. Better than keeping part of yourself closed off for good and knowing you gave up important parts of your being. Anyone expecting you to do that, tricking you into doing that, does not really love you. I've done that before and believed, truly believed that I had found someone with whom that would not happen. At this point, I'm deeply questioning that belief. It's not something I can do again. I would not be true to myself if I did.
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