I have to admit it to myself. I am addicted to pain.
I have been much of my life. I am just now realizing it. But like most things about me it is complex.
For the most part, I am not referring to physical pain. At least, that's not how I have interpreted it. I have put myself through a lot of pain in my life physically. Not attracted to things that do actual damage to me. But that's why I have endured extremely long hours, etc.
Mostly I have instead deferred pain to the emotional realm. Stayed in harmful relationships. Maybe I'm doing it again.
Maybe not. I do love her and dread making some decision which destroys our relationship based on an impulse or obsession while not thinking clearly. Then again, I do not want to remain because I am not thinking clearly.
No, actually I cannot say I am addicted to pain. I just refuse to let it control me. Now I have learned that even sensually, I have a high pain tolerance. Even if my body feels it, a switch in my brain turns it off and I refuse to recognize it. Right now I could actually deal with having enough pain to purge my soul and leave me exhausted. But that's not going to happen. Not unless I do it to myself at the gym. Can't do that today with a job interview Tue morning.
Maybe after the interview. The gym is next door and I plan to take my gym clothes with me.
Big problem is allowing someone to put me in pain requires the utmost trust for me. And I have only allowed one woman to do that in my life. My current gf. And my confusion about her is what is causing my pain.
Have to try and get some sleep. Go to the gym when I wake up.
I have been much of my life. I am just now realizing it. But like most things about me it is complex.
For the most part, I am not referring to physical pain. At least, that's not how I have interpreted it. I have put myself through a lot of pain in my life physically. Not attracted to things that do actual damage to me. But that's why I have endured extremely long hours, etc.
Mostly I have instead deferred pain to the emotional realm. Stayed in harmful relationships. Maybe I'm doing it again.
Maybe not. I do love her and dread making some decision which destroys our relationship based on an impulse or obsession while not thinking clearly. Then again, I do not want to remain because I am not thinking clearly.
No, actually I cannot say I am addicted to pain. I just refuse to let it control me. Now I have learned that even sensually, I have a high pain tolerance. Even if my body feels it, a switch in my brain turns it off and I refuse to recognize it. Right now I could actually deal with having enough pain to purge my soul and leave me exhausted. But that's not going to happen. Not unless I do it to myself at the gym. Can't do that today with a job interview Tue morning.
Maybe after the interview. The gym is next door and I plan to take my gym clothes with me.
Big problem is allowing someone to put me in pain requires the utmost trust for me. And I have only allowed one woman to do that in my life. My current gf. And my confusion about her is what is causing my pain.
Have to try and get some sleep. Go to the gym when I wake up.
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