Well, I was trying to be dishonest with myself in saying "all emotion aside".
If I set all emotion aside, I have no libido. Being with her awakened that part of me. But it is also what is leaving me frustrated. I'm still just trying to insulate myself. I'm disappointed emotionally. Once that part of me is awakened again, it cannot be ignored. It's part of me. I ignored that part of myself for over 8 years. I cannot be IN a relationship and still ignore it. It just does not work for me.
Leaving that part of me out means leaving me not whole. It also means that part of me does not matter. What other parts of me do not matter?
One thing is true. I still feel connected to her. Though that connection is fading because what we discussed on multiple levels has not come to be. I would even marry her. IF it turns into what we discussed. Then I would more trust in other things we discussed. For now, it all seems like an illusion. So, what is true is that if I do not marry her, I will probably never marry again at all. Why would I? If I have to think about someone else's feelings and my own are ignored, what is in it for me? Been down that road too many times. Never again.
Looked up my college transcripts today. I had copies of them. They do not include my GED credits. So I have to call about that in the morning. That would be a truly stupid thing to hold me back from starting a job.
I think I will still get more applications out in the morning as well. Just in case they want to be that ridiculous. Maybe they are not reading their own corporate rules correctly. When you have a higher form of education, a diploma or GED is redundant.
Think I am seeing signs of the infamous AL education standards here.
Have to wait and see.
If I set all emotion aside, I have no libido. Being with her awakened that part of me. But it is also what is leaving me frustrated. I'm still just trying to insulate myself. I'm disappointed emotionally. Once that part of me is awakened again, it cannot be ignored. It's part of me. I ignored that part of myself for over 8 years. I cannot be IN a relationship and still ignore it. It just does not work for me.
Leaving that part of me out means leaving me not whole. It also means that part of me does not matter. What other parts of me do not matter?
One thing is true. I still feel connected to her. Though that connection is fading because what we discussed on multiple levels has not come to be. I would even marry her. IF it turns into what we discussed. Then I would more trust in other things we discussed. For now, it all seems like an illusion. So, what is true is that if I do not marry her, I will probably never marry again at all. Why would I? If I have to think about someone else's feelings and my own are ignored, what is in it for me? Been down that road too many times. Never again.
Looked up my college transcripts today. I had copies of them. They do not include my GED credits. So I have to call about that in the morning. That would be a truly stupid thing to hold me back from starting a job.
I think I will still get more applications out in the morning as well. Just in case they want to be that ridiculous. Maybe they are not reading their own corporate rules correctly. When you have a higher form of education, a diploma or GED is redundant.
Think I am seeing signs of the infamous AL education standards here.
Have to wait and see.
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