My gf came over yesterday and today. We spent some time together. Mostly watching TV and talking but intimate as well.
I calmed myself down. Had to admit to myself that the largest part of my feelings have to do with losing her. Like I said previously, I did not want to have some talk which changed everything between us traumatically. So, I have started addressing some of my feelings in a way that would be seen as less confrontational.
That leaves the door open for better communication from her and not making her feel like I am coming down on her too hard. She gets that from other places, so she does not need it from me. I have to take that into account. Still, I have to express my own feelings in some ways.
One thing is absolutely true, though she denies it. She is still having guilt about being with me. Plus her husband still hasn't figured it out yet but keeps doing things to mess with her head. I am convinced it is because he sees her being happy at times, so his control is slipping and he knows it. His method of control is to oppress her.
I never related to that at all. Then again, I've tried to make past partners happy and have an emotional conditioning to thinking good things when they thought of me. That hasn't worked out so well. Does not mean I will change it.
We will spend time together. She promises we will find ways to work our schedule when I start working. Though I have no question any long days of having sex are not going to happen.
I did state in no uncertain terms today that I am not into nothing but vanilla. Gave her credit for last week, while she had not considered that event. I just had to let it be known that a mundane sex life is not something I can be happy with permanently. Honestly, I did not say it but I'm not happy with that in the long term. Only exes that ever got the message wanted conflict, humiliation and abuse on very real levels, which I will not go along with. Not then, not now, not ever.
Went to another job interview today. Seems like it went well. The interview itself lasted for 90 minutes. So, hopefully it will lead to something. Significant drop in pay but livable for here. May have to see if I can pick up OT, which sounds likely because they seem to have frequent staff shortages. Or keep trying to pick up additional income in other ways.
Went to the gym right after the interview. Not sure if my body was unhappy from taking a week off or if I'm still in muscle breakdown. Could not reach my maximum weight levels on anything but the standing squat. Go again tomorrow and see if I do better. That will determine if it was the week off or muscle breakdown. I did not do enough today to make myself sore. I honestly think I'm still in muscle breakdown because I felt slightly sore before, during and after the workout. That's not normal for me. I did feel better after I was done but still sore.
Got some protein powder a few days ago. Have to start drinking that after each workout, at least. Keep myself from losing weight.
I calmed myself down. Had to admit to myself that the largest part of my feelings have to do with losing her. Like I said previously, I did not want to have some talk which changed everything between us traumatically. So, I have started addressing some of my feelings in a way that would be seen as less confrontational.
That leaves the door open for better communication from her and not making her feel like I am coming down on her too hard. She gets that from other places, so she does not need it from me. I have to take that into account. Still, I have to express my own feelings in some ways.
One thing is absolutely true, though she denies it. She is still having guilt about being with me. Plus her husband still hasn't figured it out yet but keeps doing things to mess with her head. I am convinced it is because he sees her being happy at times, so his control is slipping and he knows it. His method of control is to oppress her.
I never related to that at all. Then again, I've tried to make past partners happy and have an emotional conditioning to thinking good things when they thought of me. That hasn't worked out so well. Does not mean I will change it.
We will spend time together. She promises we will find ways to work our schedule when I start working. Though I have no question any long days of having sex are not going to happen.
I did state in no uncertain terms today that I am not into nothing but vanilla. Gave her credit for last week, while she had not considered that event. I just had to let it be known that a mundane sex life is not something I can be happy with permanently. Honestly, I did not say it but I'm not happy with that in the long term. Only exes that ever got the message wanted conflict, humiliation and abuse on very real levels, which I will not go along with. Not then, not now, not ever.
Went to another job interview today. Seems like it went well. The interview itself lasted for 90 minutes. So, hopefully it will lead to something. Significant drop in pay but livable for here. May have to see if I can pick up OT, which sounds likely because they seem to have frequent staff shortages. Or keep trying to pick up additional income in other ways.
Went to the gym right after the interview. Not sure if my body was unhappy from taking a week off or if I'm still in muscle breakdown. Could not reach my maximum weight levels on anything but the standing squat. Go again tomorrow and see if I do better. That will determine if it was the week off or muscle breakdown. I did not do enough today to make myself sore. I honestly think I'm still in muscle breakdown because I felt slightly sore before, during and after the workout. That's not normal for me. I did feel better after I was done but still sore.
Got some protein powder a few days ago. Have to start drinking that after each workout, at least. Keep myself from losing weight.
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