She is supposed to be here in a little while. After getting her hair and maybe her nails done. Not sure of the nails.
Going to be patient and see how this is going. My stomach has been in knots, actual pain. Rumbling continuously. Emotional stress and UC do not go together well.
To be honest, I have put out an ad for a bed partner. Something I don;t have to follow up on, of course. But if this goes some direction where I'm just part of a crowd or it's not heading the way we have discussed, then I am going to take other lovers. Yes, I do mean multiple. I'll use precautions, of course. It's a lot easier to tell a stranger you've never met that you've changed your mind than the other options available.
That's just an emotional buffer, a distraction, a pain killer. Because if I set my heart going this direction so seriously and it doesn't work for reasons I cannot accept, it will tear me to shreds.
If it goes another direction, I'm not sure I would even be able to keep seeing her as a lover. She's really the best lover I've ever had but so much of that is based on emotion for me that it would be extremely painful. I'm fine if that is the kind of arrangement from the beginning but once my feelings go a certain direction, I cannot just back away. Never could do that. I've tried before and know it won't work for me.
My first clue is going to be if and how she looks at me today. Because that really does seem to have changed.
Going to be patient and see how this is going. My stomach has been in knots, actual pain. Rumbling continuously. Emotional stress and UC do not go together well.
To be honest, I have put out an ad for a bed partner. Something I don;t have to follow up on, of course. But if this goes some direction where I'm just part of a crowd or it's not heading the way we have discussed, then I am going to take other lovers. Yes, I do mean multiple. I'll use precautions, of course. It's a lot easier to tell a stranger you've never met that you've changed your mind than the other options available.
That's just an emotional buffer, a distraction, a pain killer. Because if I set my heart going this direction so seriously and it doesn't work for reasons I cannot accept, it will tear me to shreds.
If it goes another direction, I'm not sure I would even be able to keep seeing her as a lover. She's really the best lover I've ever had but so much of that is based on emotion for me that it would be extremely painful. I'm fine if that is the kind of arrangement from the beginning but once my feelings go a certain direction, I cannot just back away. Never could do that. I've tried before and know it won't work for me.
My first clue is going to be if and how she looks at me today. Because that really does seem to have changed.
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