She came over tonight and we talked.
When we had chatted earlier, some of the things she said made me wonder at the moment if she was saying she wanted to break up with me. It wasn't what she meant. I'm glad.
Here's the part that sounds bad. There was part of me that wanted her to say yes. Not because I want to break up with her, though. That's where the self realization came in.
I was really shocked at my own thought that part of me hoped she would say yes. I had to examine myself and figure out why.
That's when it hit home. The reason for my emotional swings. I admitted to it when I first realized I loved her. Thought I had left it behind but really I just stopped thinking about it consciously. It's still my fear of abandonment haunting me. If not outright abandonment, emotional abandonment. I've been through that too many times in my life. A person saying they love me but emotionally absent.
That kind of thing leaves you feeling alone in a relationship. So you're not free because of your own sense of commitment, yet not really in a relationship.
She did not want me to go to the discussion group because she has her own fears. Both of us have had past partners who cheated on us. Not to mention partners that were emotionally and/or physically abusive. In her case, she has been through worse than I did. Plus she is currently in an emotionally abusive marriage, where I have been alone for years. So the fear is more acute for her.
She is afraid I will cheat on her or meet someone else. I have no intention of cheating on her. I will admit I have considered it. Not to be deceptive. As an emotional buffer. Though I realized just thinking about it that I would not be able to do so. I'd feel too guilty and think of her the whole time, so may not even be able to get excited. So, she has no reason to fear that I would cheat. Not going to fall for anyone else because I won't be spending time with anyone else.
Funny. I went to where the discussion group was supposed to meet tonight. At Starbucks. I was the only one that showed up. Obviously, people in Montgomery are complete flakes. That's three times since I've been here. The first meeting I set up. The Net Neutrality protest. Now this. For the first meeting, the only one that showed up was my gf. For the rest, I've been the only one to be present.
Oh, well. Back to the subject. I am not going to cheat on her and she is not going to abandon me. We are bound to each other. That's apparent.
None of that means I would not like more time occasionally or that I do not want to hold our ceremony. But it does not seem like either is going to happen soon. So I'm just going to stop mentioning it. But when I stop talking about something it means I have surrendered that point. I no longer believe it will happen at all. Not until it does. But those are things I hoped for.
Guess I better find things to do with my time.
When we had chatted earlier, some of the things she said made me wonder at the moment if she was saying she wanted to break up with me. It wasn't what she meant. I'm glad.
Here's the part that sounds bad. There was part of me that wanted her to say yes. Not because I want to break up with her, though. That's where the self realization came in.
I was really shocked at my own thought that part of me hoped she would say yes. I had to examine myself and figure out why.
That's when it hit home. The reason for my emotional swings. I admitted to it when I first realized I loved her. Thought I had left it behind but really I just stopped thinking about it consciously. It's still my fear of abandonment haunting me. If not outright abandonment, emotional abandonment. I've been through that too many times in my life. A person saying they love me but emotionally absent.
That kind of thing leaves you feeling alone in a relationship. So you're not free because of your own sense of commitment, yet not really in a relationship.
She did not want me to go to the discussion group because she has her own fears. Both of us have had past partners who cheated on us. Not to mention partners that were emotionally and/or physically abusive. In her case, she has been through worse than I did. Plus she is currently in an emotionally abusive marriage, where I have been alone for years. So the fear is more acute for her.
She is afraid I will cheat on her or meet someone else. I have no intention of cheating on her. I will admit I have considered it. Not to be deceptive. As an emotional buffer. Though I realized just thinking about it that I would not be able to do so. I'd feel too guilty and think of her the whole time, so may not even be able to get excited. So, she has no reason to fear that I would cheat. Not going to fall for anyone else because I won't be spending time with anyone else.
Funny. I went to where the discussion group was supposed to meet tonight. At Starbucks. I was the only one that showed up. Obviously, people in Montgomery are complete flakes. That's three times since I've been here. The first meeting I set up. The Net Neutrality protest. Now this. For the first meeting, the only one that showed up was my gf. For the rest, I've been the only one to be present.
Oh, well. Back to the subject. I am not going to cheat on her and she is not going to abandon me. We are bound to each other. That's apparent.
None of that means I would not like more time occasionally or that I do not want to hold our ceremony. But it does not seem like either is going to happen soon. So I'm just going to stop mentioning it. But when I stop talking about something it means I have surrendered that point. I no longer believe it will happen at all. Not until it does. But those are things I hoped for.
Guess I better find things to do with my time.
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