No call about the job yesterday. Have to get more applications out today. Biggest problem is that many of the full time jobs here require every weekend or every other weekend. Or it is all evenings. Funny, most of my life I wanted all evenings or nights and did not care about weekends. So I am looking mostly for PRN work. Not a lot of that available here. They want total control. Guess that's part of what it means to live in a red state.
My gf came over a little after 4 yesterday. The talk had been of spending all day together. Along with other plans. She had to leave around 8. Her explanation was plausible. Not going to say anything against that. She has other things going on today and tomorrow but plans to come by for shorter times. Maybe a longer period on Thur or Fri.
I realize much of my writing on this has turned largely negative. I still love her and that's why it matters. If not, I would have ended it or changed the arrangement already. I have no desire to hurt her. Once you change something like that, it's difficult or impossible to regain what was lost. Because then trust is damaged. Unfortunately, some of my own trust is in question now. It can be regained but at this point I'm not even counting on it. That's the saddest part.
I'm no longer anxious or hurt. I can only allow myself to be in that state for a limited period of time.
I still love spending time with her in all ways. Including talking online. But all of that has decreased. I love making love to her but certain things we talked about show no signs of happening. So where I could make love 3 times or more, now it's only once. I please her but for me it's once. The anticipation and excitement are less. Many things I have come to accept as just fantasies in my own head. We talk about things but it's only talk. Fantasy. Illusion.
So, I am in a holding pattern on all things for the moment. Suspended animation. Cannot go forward, cannot go back. And I have nothing to say about it without making changes I am apprehensive to make.
My gf came over a little after 4 yesterday. The talk had been of spending all day together. Along with other plans. She had to leave around 8. Her explanation was plausible. Not going to say anything against that. She has other things going on today and tomorrow but plans to come by for shorter times. Maybe a longer period on Thur or Fri.
I realize much of my writing on this has turned largely negative. I still love her and that's why it matters. If not, I would have ended it or changed the arrangement already. I have no desire to hurt her. Once you change something like that, it's difficult or impossible to regain what was lost. Because then trust is damaged. Unfortunately, some of my own trust is in question now. It can be regained but at this point I'm not even counting on it. That's the saddest part.
I'm no longer anxious or hurt. I can only allow myself to be in that state for a limited period of time.
I still love spending time with her in all ways. Including talking online. But all of that has decreased. I love making love to her but certain things we talked about show no signs of happening. So where I could make love 3 times or more, now it's only once. I please her but for me it's once. The anticipation and excitement are less. Many things I have come to accept as just fantasies in my own head. We talk about things but it's only talk. Fantasy. Illusion.
So, I am in a holding pattern on all things for the moment. Suspended animation. Cannot go forward, cannot go back. And I have nothing to say about it without making changes I am apprehensive to make.
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