Having insomnia again. Wish the gym was open so I could go work out until exhausted.
Of course I am not sure if my gf reads my blog. She may well do so. If she does, she has hidden it well. I may have seen some minor indications she has but nothing definitive. Doesn't matter. Not like anyone else reads it.
This is all about how I feel, what is on my own mind. If she reads it, then she should know I love her but I do have emotional needs of my own. I don't think my needs are unreasonable.
This past week I was down. During that time, she was offline and unavailable more than usual. Then she asked if I felt better many times over. In the end, she just wanted me to say yes. I did say yes, even when I did not. Then again, I try and tell myself I feel better when I do not. I do that emotionally and physically with my UC.
Though worse than that, it then turned into her telling me how depressed she is. So it seemed like I was expected to put my feelings aside for her. I could only manage to do that just so much. Usually I can put my feelings aside and have much of my life for the people around me. Too much.
I did that continuously for 10 years with my ex. It resulted in primary social isolation and porn addiction. Which I no longer have. But I still feel it was a better option than chronic antidepressant use or self harm. Then again, I guess that was a form of self harm, wasn't it? If I tried expressing my feelings, she was the victim. I even expressed that and again, it made her the victim. It was all about her fears, her self esteem, her needs. Mine just got buried.
I can't do that again. That was what made me spend so many years alone. I'm tired of being alone but will only pay so much of a price. I'm not into being a womanizer but I can be. Longest I've ever done that was a few months at a time. But then fell into another harmful relationship. I want to be more careful and avoid that. I would indeed rather be alone, a workaholic, than be in a harmful relationship.
Right now, I am still in depressive mode. Yes, it does affect my emotions strongly. Sometimes in odd ways. I have several articles I have written but have not published. So I can write and express myself but then I keep much of it inside.
Told my gf specific things which would help me purge this. Nothing I can do myself. Nothing I would trust anyone else with. Those things went unheeded. So here I remain. Physical pain helps me get over this. Guess that helps at the gym and why I wish the gym were open now. I won't do self harm. Not into cutting or anything like that. Maybe I need to seek other options.
In any case, I am going to give this until next Fri. If nothing changes, then I will tell her I am going to start seeing other women. Not going to shut her out unless that's what she chooses. But will not keep it exclusive any more.
Of course I am not sure if my gf reads my blog. She may well do so. If she does, she has hidden it well. I may have seen some minor indications she has but nothing definitive. Doesn't matter. Not like anyone else reads it.
This is all about how I feel, what is on my own mind. If she reads it, then she should know I love her but I do have emotional needs of my own. I don't think my needs are unreasonable.
This past week I was down. During that time, she was offline and unavailable more than usual. Then she asked if I felt better many times over. In the end, she just wanted me to say yes. I did say yes, even when I did not. Then again, I try and tell myself I feel better when I do not. I do that emotionally and physically with my UC.
Though worse than that, it then turned into her telling me how depressed she is. So it seemed like I was expected to put my feelings aside for her. I could only manage to do that just so much. Usually I can put my feelings aside and have much of my life for the people around me. Too much.
I did that continuously for 10 years with my ex. It resulted in primary social isolation and porn addiction. Which I no longer have. But I still feel it was a better option than chronic antidepressant use or self harm. Then again, I guess that was a form of self harm, wasn't it? If I tried expressing my feelings, she was the victim. I even expressed that and again, it made her the victim. It was all about her fears, her self esteem, her needs. Mine just got buried.
I can't do that again. That was what made me spend so many years alone. I'm tired of being alone but will only pay so much of a price. I'm not into being a womanizer but I can be. Longest I've ever done that was a few months at a time. But then fell into another harmful relationship. I want to be more careful and avoid that. I would indeed rather be alone, a workaholic, than be in a harmful relationship.
Right now, I am still in depressive mode. Yes, it does affect my emotions strongly. Sometimes in odd ways. I have several articles I have written but have not published. So I can write and express myself but then I keep much of it inside.
Told my gf specific things which would help me purge this. Nothing I can do myself. Nothing I would trust anyone else with. Those things went unheeded. So here I remain. Physical pain helps me get over this. Guess that helps at the gym and why I wish the gym were open now. I won't do self harm. Not into cutting or anything like that. Maybe I need to seek other options.
In any case, I am going to give this until next Fri. If nothing changes, then I will tell her I am going to start seeing other women. Not going to shut her out unless that's what she chooses. But will not keep it exclusive any more.
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