I guess I am in a depressive state. Makes sense. I've barely been writing (by my standards for quite some time). Quit my job this week. Questioning my gf.
None of the above is without good reason. The job doesn't pay. I need something where I can earn a living. Good part is I feel far more equipped to do something outside the house than I did when I got here.
Writing seems hopeless. Period. I still do some writing and videos but slowed down a lot.
My gf still seems distant and her patterns have changed. Used to text with her all day and night on and off. Now I send her a text and it takes a long time to get a reply. Schedule has changed. Later and later again. My suspicion has gotten so bad that I had knots in my stomach tonight. Actual pain.
Part of that is also sheer intuition. My intuition is never wrong. She may not be seeing someone else. Says she's not. I brought it up in a nice way. But something is definitely going on and it's not good. Maybe she's not seeing someone else yet but spending a lot of time talking to them online.
Or maybe I am just being needful. Wanted more time with her before I start working more and it's obvious that's not going to happen. Maybe never going to happen. Just going to fade to fewer days, further apart, fewer hours each time. Never going to have our ceremony which was supposed to happen six weeks ago. If it has come up, it has been because I mentioned it. Not even tentative plans offered or suggested. Never going to have enough time for certain sensual experiences we have discussed which are time consuming.
Then again, maybe it's not me. Maybe she is consciously or subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. Would not be the first time I've seen that happen. Sometimes passively, sometimes more overtly. In that case it starts being that I could do nothing right.
No matter the case, I'm not going to keep asking for more. Just going to wait and see what happens. I'm going to be more passive. I hate being passive but it's not like I have any way to be more assertive, any way. No part of our schedule to this point has been up to me. Maybe I have been too available, too flexible, too accepting.
I need to get off the computer and phone, get some work done on the van. Get serious about finding a job. If I get the job on Tue, start working as soon as possible. Get some money back in the bank. Try and get enough together for a down payment on a house. Hopefully a new motorbike. Vacation with daughter this summer. If on the computer, need to focus more on my writing.
Once I start working, if we set a schedule and it gets broken so I wind up sitting and waiting for her to come over and then it does not happen, that will upset me. It would probably mean I turned down a shift and lost money because of it.
But part of it is sex. I am a highly sexual person in a relationship and will admit I'm not getting enough or long enough. Should I be ashamed of that? Maybe but I'm not.
Maybe I'm just not made for this kind of arrangement. It's something I do keep questioning.
None of the above is without good reason. The job doesn't pay. I need something where I can earn a living. Good part is I feel far more equipped to do something outside the house than I did when I got here.
Writing seems hopeless. Period. I still do some writing and videos but slowed down a lot.
My gf still seems distant and her patterns have changed. Used to text with her all day and night on and off. Now I send her a text and it takes a long time to get a reply. Schedule has changed. Later and later again. My suspicion has gotten so bad that I had knots in my stomach tonight. Actual pain.
Part of that is also sheer intuition. My intuition is never wrong. She may not be seeing someone else. Says she's not. I brought it up in a nice way. But something is definitely going on and it's not good. Maybe she's not seeing someone else yet but spending a lot of time talking to them online.
Or maybe I am just being needful. Wanted more time with her before I start working more and it's obvious that's not going to happen. Maybe never going to happen. Just going to fade to fewer days, further apart, fewer hours each time. Never going to have our ceremony which was supposed to happen six weeks ago. If it has come up, it has been because I mentioned it. Not even tentative plans offered or suggested. Never going to have enough time for certain sensual experiences we have discussed which are time consuming.
Then again, maybe it's not me. Maybe she is consciously or subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. Would not be the first time I've seen that happen. Sometimes passively, sometimes more overtly. In that case it starts being that I could do nothing right.
No matter the case, I'm not going to keep asking for more. Just going to wait and see what happens. I'm going to be more passive. I hate being passive but it's not like I have any way to be more assertive, any way. No part of our schedule to this point has been up to me. Maybe I have been too available, too flexible, too accepting.
I need to get off the computer and phone, get some work done on the van. Get serious about finding a job. If I get the job on Tue, start working as soon as possible. Get some money back in the bank. Try and get enough together for a down payment on a house. Hopefully a new motorbike. Vacation with daughter this summer. If on the computer, need to focus more on my writing.
Once I start working, if we set a schedule and it gets broken so I wind up sitting and waiting for her to come over and then it does not happen, that will upset me. It would probably mean I turned down a shift and lost money because of it.
But part of it is sex. I am a highly sexual person in a relationship and will admit I'm not getting enough or long enough. Should I be ashamed of that? Maybe but I'm not.
Maybe I'm just not made for this kind of arrangement. It's something I do keep questioning.
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