Everything has an up side and a down side. With my health improving, the up sides are obvious. The down sides, not so much.
So, as my health improves, I start dealing with the down sides.
One down side is that I become more prone to insomnia, which I'm prone to in the first place. Sleep loss has a well known list of emotional consequences documented as far back as the beginning of the written word.
The other is my libido returning. To some, this may sound like a positive. For me, not so much. My libido has been known to lead me into choices and actions which I was not so happy with later on. When my libido is at full tilt, I do not make claim to complete control over my behavior.
This wouldn't be such an issue if I had a partner who could equal my libido and actually had a sense of sensual adventure. I've had several past partners who laid claim to being able to equal my libido. However, in each case there was something else involved. Chemical prerequisites. More struggle for control than sensuality. Emotional and/or physical violence. (Which, in turn, inexorably decreased my physical attraction to them.) An always growing list of sensual limitations. Deceit. Cheating. Greed. Lack of affection. Constant blame.
It's really amazing how many emotionally unstable women I have attracted in my life. Then again, the problem may lie in my tolerance. I have been too tolerant of unacceptable behavior. Too accepting of relationships which offered little or no emotional return for me.
Funny, I've had past partners tell me at one end I was distant. At the other end I've been called needful. Honestly, I am needful. However, it has absolutely nothing to do with quantity. It has to do with quality. I find it unlikely I could ever be a swinger. Considered it. The only way it would work for me would be with a partner I was intensely emotionally bound to and it resulted in mostly shared experiences. But I still find it not likely. The fact that I am emotionally driven, rather than sexually driven is very highly evidenced by the fact that I have not dated in over 5 years (except for one coffee date which went nowhere). I am also soon coming on 5 years of voluntary celibacy. There are several past lovers here in town who would be quite amenable to helping me break that streak.
So, yes, I am needful. I am selfish. I am demanding. So demanding, so selfish, so needful that I will never accept the crap that I have tolerated in the past. I will never allow myself to be in another shit relationship. I will remain alone before I do that. I've proven I am happier being alone than being in a bad relationship. I will not be rushed. I will not be manipulated. I will not be deceived. Ever again.
But that doesn't mean I can't have some fun while I'm looking for something better than I've ver had before.
So, as my health improves, I start dealing with the down sides.
One down side is that I become more prone to insomnia, which I'm prone to in the first place. Sleep loss has a well known list of emotional consequences documented as far back as the beginning of the written word.
The other is my libido returning. To some, this may sound like a positive. For me, not so much. My libido has been known to lead me into choices and actions which I was not so happy with later on. When my libido is at full tilt, I do not make claim to complete control over my behavior.
This wouldn't be such an issue if I had a partner who could equal my libido and actually had a sense of sensual adventure. I've had several past partners who laid claim to being able to equal my libido. However, in each case there was something else involved. Chemical prerequisites. More struggle for control than sensuality. Emotional and/or physical violence. (Which, in turn, inexorably decreased my physical attraction to them.) An always growing list of sensual limitations. Deceit. Cheating. Greed. Lack of affection. Constant blame.
It's really amazing how many emotionally unstable women I have attracted in my life. Then again, the problem may lie in my tolerance. I have been too tolerant of unacceptable behavior. Too accepting of relationships which offered little or no emotional return for me.
Funny, I've had past partners tell me at one end I was distant. At the other end I've been called needful. Honestly, I am needful. However, it has absolutely nothing to do with quantity. It has to do with quality. I find it unlikely I could ever be a swinger. Considered it. The only way it would work for me would be with a partner I was intensely emotionally bound to and it resulted in mostly shared experiences. But I still find it not likely. The fact that I am emotionally driven, rather than sexually driven is very highly evidenced by the fact that I have not dated in over 5 years (except for one coffee date which went nowhere). I am also soon coming on 5 years of voluntary celibacy. There are several past lovers here in town who would be quite amenable to helping me break that streak.
So, yes, I am needful. I am selfish. I am demanding. So demanding, so selfish, so needful that I will never accept the crap that I have tolerated in the past. I will never allow myself to be in another shit relationship. I will remain alone before I do that. I've proven I am happier being alone than being in a bad relationship. I will not be rushed. I will not be manipulated. I will not be deceived. Ever again.
But that doesn't mean I can't have some fun while I'm looking for something better than I've ver had before.
No comments:
Post a Comment