Not sure why I am awake. Went to bed, went to sleep and woke up. What I'm writing now has nothing to do with that, though. Odd thing is that I had a headache all day and now that's gone. No idea what that means. Insomnia but headache is cured? WTF?
I have to admit that the relationship I am in is causing anxiety. My fear of abandonment is quite real. Makes me feel like a drama queen sometimes but it's a part of me.
If I allow my emotions free rein, put my heart into something, it is total and there's no turning back.
My way of protecting myself may not be healthy and can be quite damaging. Guess the best I can say is that I tend to rely on back-ups. I am most comfortable if I have multiple vehicles (at least a car and a motorcycle) in case one breaks down. At this point I have a computer (main not working right now), back up computer, laptop, tablet and smart phone. In addition to the smart phone, I have a VOIP phone. And so it goes with women. At least until I feel secure.
I know, in a way that sounds cold. In my younger days I can say I was not completely open about it. Now I am not completely open but never dishonest. Last time I had multiple lovers was 1992, I think. I have not promised this lady I would be faithful and she understands. It's a difficult situation with her being married. No matter the status of her marriage.
On the other hand, I have taken down my single's ads. Have not renewed (but not taken down) my CL posts in weeks. They fade into background noise very quickly. I do have a page on Fetlife but that's more to socialize with people who are also into BDSM, which is a specific subculture with rather strict rules of behavior. Swingers are accepted more openly than most of society but generally viewed as a separate group. I'm sure some beginners may fall for it but most avoid it, from what I've seen.
I do not use any form of protection with this lady. I have no diseases and rather unlikely she does, since she has been unwillingly celibate for years. If I happen to sleep with anyone else, I will definitely use protection with them. While I may not be fully actively seeking another partner, I am not closed to it.
The worst part of this is that I wish she could sleep here at least once in a while. First time in many years I have even wished for that. No, it's not a situation of only wishing for something because it cannot happen. I'm not prone to that. It's because I feel that close to her. Though I am not great company in the morning. So maybe it's better for her this way. lol!
Oh, well. I think I will seek out another lover. At least on the physical level. Ah, who am I kidding? There has to be something more than physical for me. Always. Just less than what I have with this lady. For now.
I have to admit that the relationship I am in is causing anxiety. My fear of abandonment is quite real. Makes me feel like a drama queen sometimes but it's a part of me.
If I allow my emotions free rein, put my heart into something, it is total and there's no turning back.
My way of protecting myself may not be healthy and can be quite damaging. Guess the best I can say is that I tend to rely on back-ups. I am most comfortable if I have multiple vehicles (at least a car and a motorcycle) in case one breaks down. At this point I have a computer (main not working right now), back up computer, laptop, tablet and smart phone. In addition to the smart phone, I have a VOIP phone. And so it goes with women. At least until I feel secure.
I know, in a way that sounds cold. In my younger days I can say I was not completely open about it. Now I am not completely open but never dishonest. Last time I had multiple lovers was 1992, I think. I have not promised this lady I would be faithful and she understands. It's a difficult situation with her being married. No matter the status of her marriage.
On the other hand, I have taken down my single's ads. Have not renewed (but not taken down) my CL posts in weeks. They fade into background noise very quickly. I do have a page on Fetlife but that's more to socialize with people who are also into BDSM, which is a specific subculture with rather strict rules of behavior. Swingers are accepted more openly than most of society but generally viewed as a separate group. I'm sure some beginners may fall for it but most avoid it, from what I've seen.
I do not use any form of protection with this lady. I have no diseases and rather unlikely she does, since she has been unwillingly celibate for years. If I happen to sleep with anyone else, I will definitely use protection with them. While I may not be fully actively seeking another partner, I am not closed to it.
The worst part of this is that I wish she could sleep here at least once in a while. First time in many years I have even wished for that. No, it's not a situation of only wishing for something because it cannot happen. I'm not prone to that. It's because I feel that close to her. Though I am not great company in the morning. So maybe it's better for her this way. lol!
Oh, well. I think I will seek out another lover. At least on the physical level. Ah, who am I kidding? There has to be something more than physical for me. Always. Just less than what I have with this lady. For now.
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