Well, today was the end. I reached my emotional limit and broke it off with my gf.
She had said she was going to come over this morning. Then texted me around 8:30 or later, telling me she overslept. Then she had to take her meds, feed all her animals, etc. If I saw her, it would be around 11. Maybe.
I know, it sounds like I am being less than understanding. I'm tired of being understanding. I'm tired of my understanding meaning I am always alone, yet still in an exclusive relationship. I'm tired of always listening, never listened to. I'm tired of forced celibacy. I'm tired of being a nurse, caregiver, therapist and nothing else over 99% of the time. I'm tired of having expectations and plans only to have them canceled at the last minute. I'm tired of hiding the relationship, being in the shadows, hiding myself inside myself.
I told her I cannot do this any more. That she cancels more often than she shows up. That I have seen her only 3 times in the last month. 3 times last month. 3 times the month before that. That we have had sex once a month or less for over a year. I told her I will remain her friend, that I still love her but I can no longer say I love us.
Honestly, I would not have held on this long if not for my own fear of abandonment. Yet I am being systematically abandoned over time, any way. Hell, I would not have stayed in my past relationships as long as I did if not for the same reason. The difference is that I have learned from past mistakes and do not want to repeat them.
I really don't expect to meet anyone that I truly get along with as well as we did in the beginning. Not here in Montgomery. So I am sentencing myself to years, maybe the rest of my life alone. Still, it's better than being forced to be alone and continuously feel unimportant to the person who claims I am important to them.
Even if I meet anyone soon I won't be having sex for at least a week or two. I am going to get a new genital piercing today. Well, assuming I can get one done today, of course. I may go with two.
She had said she was going to come over this morning. Then texted me around 8:30 or later, telling me she overslept. Then she had to take her meds, feed all her animals, etc. If I saw her, it would be around 11. Maybe.
I know, it sounds like I am being less than understanding. I'm tired of being understanding. I'm tired of my understanding meaning I am always alone, yet still in an exclusive relationship. I'm tired of always listening, never listened to. I'm tired of forced celibacy. I'm tired of being a nurse, caregiver, therapist and nothing else over 99% of the time. I'm tired of having expectations and plans only to have them canceled at the last minute. I'm tired of hiding the relationship, being in the shadows, hiding myself inside myself.
I told her I cannot do this any more. That she cancels more often than she shows up. That I have seen her only 3 times in the last month. 3 times last month. 3 times the month before that. That we have had sex once a month or less for over a year. I told her I will remain her friend, that I still love her but I can no longer say I love us.
Honestly, I would not have held on this long if not for my own fear of abandonment. Yet I am being systematically abandoned over time, any way. Hell, I would not have stayed in my past relationships as long as I did if not for the same reason. The difference is that I have learned from past mistakes and do not want to repeat them.
I really don't expect to meet anyone that I truly get along with as well as we did in the beginning. Not here in Montgomery. So I am sentencing myself to years, maybe the rest of my life alone. Still, it's better than being forced to be alone and continuously feel unimportant to the person who claims I am important to them.
Even if I meet anyone soon I won't be having sex for at least a week or two. I am going to get a new genital piercing today. Well, assuming I can get one done today, of course. I may go with two.
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