So, gf came over on Fri and convinced me that she cares about me and is sorry for how she has treated me. I agreed to give it one more try. I made it absolutely clear this is the final attempt. If it goes back to the same cycle, it's done.
I am not going to say that I am all in emotionally at this point. I have become cautious and seriously rather expecting things to change for a short while and then go right back where they were. I will be happy if things actually change for the better for good. That said, I do love her or I would not be giving this another shot.
I am not going to be an asshole or try and sabotage anything. I am still who I am. However, this time around I am likely to be more demanding, more controlling. I honestly think she has the emotional need for that from a male partner. It's actually not uncommon and it is something I have probably just not done right in my own life, so that is my own flaw. I'm not exactly submissive but not as aggressive as maybe I should be.
In a way, I think it sucks that this is something people focus on so much and define masculinity in that way. I am more of a cerebral person than anything else. I hate power games in general. Guess I just have to accept it and incorporate it into my behavior. Blech.
Any way, she has promised to not cancel coming over at the last minute. To be more understanding of my schedule. The thing of swinging my sleep schedule all around the clock was genuinely making me extremely ill. I can do that in the short term but when it keeps up for months it's too much and would be for anyone. That's bad in your 20's but by late 50's it is much worse, even in top condition.
She also promised more affection and intimacy. Those are things I actually need. She does not have the time, energy or health to be cooking and cleaning for me. Even if she did, I do those things for myself and that's not what I need from a relationship. Shared, yes but I don't need a mother figure or a maid. The idea of a woman being a servant/slave/object is only attractive to me in the short term and only when incorporated into a much larger context. It is not necessary to my self-esteem.
So, going to see how this goes. Hopefully well and in the direction it was supposed to go in the first place.
I am not going to say that I am all in emotionally at this point. I have become cautious and seriously rather expecting things to change for a short while and then go right back where they were. I will be happy if things actually change for the better for good. That said, I do love her or I would not be giving this another shot.
I am not going to be an asshole or try and sabotage anything. I am still who I am. However, this time around I am likely to be more demanding, more controlling. I honestly think she has the emotional need for that from a male partner. It's actually not uncommon and it is something I have probably just not done right in my own life, so that is my own flaw. I'm not exactly submissive but not as aggressive as maybe I should be.
In a way, I think it sucks that this is something people focus on so much and define masculinity in that way. I am more of a cerebral person than anything else. I hate power games in general. Guess I just have to accept it and incorporate it into my behavior. Blech.
Any way, she has promised to not cancel coming over at the last minute. To be more understanding of my schedule. The thing of swinging my sleep schedule all around the clock was genuinely making me extremely ill. I can do that in the short term but when it keeps up for months it's too much and would be for anyone. That's bad in your 20's but by late 50's it is much worse, even in top condition.
She also promised more affection and intimacy. Those are things I actually need. She does not have the time, energy or health to be cooking and cleaning for me. Even if she did, I do those things for myself and that's not what I need from a relationship. Shared, yes but I don't need a mother figure or a maid. The idea of a woman being a servant/slave/object is only attractive to me in the short term and only when incorporated into a much larger context. It is not necessary to my self-esteem.
So, going to see how this goes. Hopefully well and in the direction it was supposed to go in the first place.
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